Category: Governing the people

Downing Street was so on the front foot today they were a few steps ahead of themselves and in danger of tripping themselves up as they announced they are testing solutions to the Irish Border puzzle by imposing a border between Camden and Westminster.

“It’s going to rock,” David Davis said, making a rare public appearance away from the subsidised Common bar, “I was having a swift one with Boris, well, it was more like ten, but that’s by the by, and he got out a fag packet and was going to throw it in the bin.”

Mr Davis intervened.

“I said, Boris, I’ve got a pencil and we can solve the Irish Border solution right now and save Brexit.”

What did Boris say?

“He wasn’t really paying attention. He was eyeing up this blonde filly in a corner and wondering if he was supposed to be running to her or away from her.”

But a few shots of tequila later?

“We did it. As my brain fizzed I knew it was obvious. We needed a guinea pig to test solutions out on.”

You’ve got the entire United Kingdom as a guinea pig though?

“Yes, but we’re in danger of terminating that experiment early. We need a smaller guinea pig. Like a micro guinea pig. Or just a little one.”

So that is how you hit on the Camden and Westminster border idea?

“I should hire you. You’re ahead of the story at each step,” Mr Davis swayed, “send me your CV. Or better yet, find out if you’re related to anyone in the cabinet. It’s a lot faster to screen new employees that way.”

So what’s the first test?

“The hard border. Military installations and concrete walls and barbed wire and machine gun nests. Pretty much how we expect the Irish border to look by 2025 once the organised crime gets involved in smuggling when we’re out of the customs union.”

Won’t that make for congestion in central London?

“Maybe you’re not as smart as I thought. There won’t be any congestion if no one can move between Camden and Westminster. It will actually improve traffic flows in London.”

But the hard border won’t work.

“Yes it will. People will just go to the end of it and drive around. It’s bloody genius. We impose a border. We keep the DUP happy and life goes on as usual.”

But they won’t be able to drive around the hard border on the border of Ireland.

“Don’t send me your CV,” Davis sighed, “you haven’t even heard of boats.”

The addiction plagued people of Brexit Britain were given further reason to rejoice today as the new Brexit phone app, released today by Brexit Industries, was found to instantly cure digital addictions.

We spoke to head developer, Richard Head, to learn more about this exciting technological breakthrough.

“We didn’t design it to cure digital addictions,” Dr Head advised, “it’s actually an accident. Although with roaming charges set to return for UK citizens post Brexit, it’s probably good and timely.”

So what did you set out to do?

“We wanted to make it easier for our vast army of social media warriors to quickly respond to Brexit saboteurs online,” Dr Head said, “we figured if we gathered up all the stock responses to reasoned criticism of the Brexit strategy (using the word strategy loosely), then they could engage the app and let it do the arguing online for them. It’s a time saver, essentially.”

You mean turn every Brexiter with a smart phone into a Brexit bot?

“Yes. The Kremlin ones keep getting shut down. But if “you lost, get over it” and “I won, I can’t get over it” etc are coming off the verified phones of actual people, then that’s a nice work around.”

So the Brexit phone app is a bit like viagra? Developed initially for another purpose, but now found to have a real win-win value elsewhere?

“We’re not sure.”

Why’s that?

“Well, as it instantly turns any smart phone into a dumb phone, no one can get online to tell us how their digital addiction cure is actually working out.”

That’s evidence itself, surely?

“It is very Brexit. Lack of evidence taken as irrefutable proof. And completely self defeating. We are quite proud of ourselves.”

The outbreak of Mad Cow Disease, on a farm in Bangor, County Down, had been traced to the presence of an infective agent. Sources close to the Prime Minister describe the timing of the outbreak, which occurred during her visit, as ‘coincidental’.

The disease causes progressive degeneration of the brain, and affects the movement of an affected animal. We spoke to Buttercup, one of the infected cows.

“I was fine yesterday morning,” she mooed. “Then this woman came to talk to a bunch of journalists for some reason. I could smell the poison, but I put it down to Daisy having a dicky tummy again. Next thing I know, I couldn’t stand up!”

How long was the woman in your cowshed, we asked.

“About five minutes or so,” lowed Buttercup. “Or not. I’m a cow, I can’t tell the time.”

What happens now?

“We are going to be burned,” she said, mournfully. “About time too. I am fed up of being a cash-cow for Farmer O’Reilly, or whatever his name is. I have a right beef with him. He is just milking me dry!”

This emergency measure should prevent the spread of the disease. Nobody wants a repeat of the disgraceful scandal of 1990, in which Agriculture Minister John Gummer tried to infect his daughter with British beef. The girl sensibly refused.

Gummer’s present-day successor, Michael Gove, was asked if he would repeat the stunt to reassure today’s public. “Of course! I’ve eaten British beef all my life,” he slobbered, eyes rolling uncontrollably. “And it has had no ill effects upon me or any member of my family!” He staggered off with a most unusual gait.

Government medics confirmed that Theresa May herself is clear of the disease. “She has been examined most thoroughly, and all traces of disease repaired,” confirmed a spokesdoctor. “The procedure left her slightly robotic, but you wouldn’t ever notice it!”

An independent doctor pointed at the unregulated mess-hall at the House of Commons. “That was contracted out under Thatcher,” claimed Dr Jakob Creutzfeldt. “Ever since the Eighties, all kinds of dodgy meats have been served up. Since then, Mad Cow Disease has been endemic in the House.”

Our elected representatives, suffering from a progressive degeneration of the brain? You couldn’t make it up.

A man who has been elected to parliament, because of a comedy routine which got right out of hand, is said to be feeling better this morning after spending time with his nanny.

“I was seeing cavemen everywhere I looked,” the man told LCD Views, “not cavewomen because they are home in the cave where they should be, having cave babies. And they are to have those cave babies regardless of circumstances.

It’s their cave duty to cave God. So not them, but these scary cavemen waving about these big ugly democracy clubs.

Apparently there were tens of thousands roaming the streets of our hamlets on the weekend and without their betters permission! It’s very much my worst nightmare. Uncontrolled poor people.”

It’s believed the man has suffered from this anxiety over cavemen, or commoners as he also refers to them, ever since realising that not everyone is born with massive wealth into a chumocracy and the instinctive ability to know what is best for their inferiors.

“It’s pretty frightening stuff. All these jealous people want my silver spoon. This is why I keep it where I found it when I was born. It is my earnest hope we can get back to a time where only people born owning everything they see are entrusted to make decisions on behalf of the cave dwellers.

You know, decisions like taking away any form of support they receive out of the mistaken belief that accident of birth is a joker. Accident of birth worked out very well for me. These malcontents need to learn to have better accidents.”

So deep was the concern over the sheer number of cave dwellers who had left their caves to come out and demand their democracy behaves like a democracy, the man had to go to his safe place.

“Nanny is always there for me,” the man added, “I need her terribly much. No more so than on days when the political project I’ve put myself front and centre of in order to get even richer through creating a big calamity in the caves appears under threat.

Not only because it’s based on absolute lies, and by conning as many cave dwellers as possible, but because those lies are now being exposed before we’ve finished manufacturing the calamity! Silly Cambridge Analytica! I’m very glad my Auntie is not reporting on it.”

The man looked flushed and started to sniffle then. So we asked his nanny for comment.

“There, there Jacob poos,” Nanny said, “cavemen aren’t really real. Not anymore. There. There. Once you’ve finished your little Brexit you can start restricting their ability to vote. Won’t that be nice too?”

 

Great news today for people who like to tell it as it is with the announcement that London’s newest and tallest landmark, The Shard, is to be renamed ‘the shaft’ to honour the current Westminster parliament.

“We think a lowercase s is important to not draw attention to how deep the actually shafting is,” Michael Gove told LCD Views, “although personally I feel the building maybe a little on the short side for what we’re up to.”

The renaming ceremony is planned for the minute the United Kingdom regains the sovereignty it never lost in order to lose all the things it currently has.

“I am personally lobbying for Her Majesty to base jump off the top of the shaft at the moment of Brexit,” Michael said, “it would be the best way to atone for that hat she wore to open parliament last year.”

Tickets for the event will go on sale shortly.

“You’ll have to set up a series of shell companies and funnel the ticket money through various overseas territories and tax havens,” he added, “it’ll all be perfectly legal.”

Tickets will be gold plated and include an exciting interactive feature.

“Right now we have a crack IT team developing the software to include a hologram of Robert Kilroy Silk on each golden ticket. At the moment of Brexit you need to trigger your hologram by saying ‘shaft me’ to it.”

At that point the hologram of the famous, pioneer of television will spin up out of the ticket and pose a question,

“To share or to shaft?” Michael giggled, “if you’re backing Brexit there’s really only one answer.”

Everyman Iain Duncan Smith MP was rubbing his blue palms together gleefully today as he took a break from refuting specialist comments on subjects he knows sod all about to cut the blue ribbon at BBC central.

“It didn’t take me long to get here,” Irritable Duncan Syndrome commented,

“when they opened the door on the walk in fridge they keep me in at the Radio 4 Today studio I thought it was because Humphrys needed cheering up. But then they gave me this pair of long shears and asked if I’d love to stab truth and accountability in the face again?”

Of course he would.

“I must say I think it’s a great step forward for honest, straight talking governance in the United Kingdom, now that the BBC’s Broadcasting House is to be rechristened with a name that tells it like it is, just like me.”

The ceremony is scheduled for midday and all the stalwarts of British investigative journalism will be on hand. Dacre, Murdoch, Rothermere, Marr, Neil, Sarah Sands.

“I’m a bit surprised they didn’t ask young Isabel Oakeshott to cut the ribbon. She tirelessly campaigns for balance. It’s a vital part of the Ministry for Propaganda’s work that whenever an expert says something boring, a generalist like myself or Isabel is invited onto the Beeb to waffle a load of distracting nonsense in refute. It’s called balance.”

Coverage of the ceremony is expected to consume the BBC’s entire news agenda for several days.

“You won’t have us going after that Cambridge Anal stuff, or the spending irregularities in the Brexit campaigns, or the fact that leaving the single market throws 80% of the British economy into question, never mind the CU. At least we have Starmer spearheading the campaign now to make British passports in Britain.

I must say, on a personal note, I think it is very endearing how the Labour leadership say something to keep Leave voters chipper one day, and then something to appease the overwhelming mandate to remain in their membership.

With this sort of cynical spin they’ll do a fine job convincing people that eating out of bins is actually healthy, once they take over from our shower of a government.”

LCD Views would like to take this opportunity to congratulate the BBC on its evolution out of something that used to upset all political parties, by way of actual journalism, and into a creature that now just upsets people who like facts.

“With any luck the BBC will find some sort of irregularity with how I cut the ribbon today and they can spend the next month obsessing over their own mistake instead of covering what a cock up we’ve made of everything.”

All the best Iain. May the force be with you.

The endless ability of Number Ten to help its own has reached new heights. White sticks have been issued, free of charge, to every serving MP, regardless of their political affiliation.

To save time and energy, a job lot of white sticks was procured, from a geezer in a yellow Reliant Robin who bore a striking resemblance to David Jason.

Assessors from ATOS were called in to aid the sight tests. Candidates were asked to sit in a darkened room and read phrases as they flashed up before them. Phrases like “The Irish Border”, “Cliff Edge” and “£350m for the NHS” proved beyond all but the hardiest. However, the fact that none of them noticed the elephant in the room was the clincher.

The sessions came to an end after the first thirty MPs lacked the necessary vision. The remaining MPs were assumed to be suffering too.

Then someone realised that each fifteen-minute assessment was costing the taxpayer in excess of £75,000. Most of this money went, quite justifiably, straight into ATOS’s back pocket. But leading Tories were apoplectic that almost 10% of the money was being wasted on elephant feed and insurance against pachyderm-related mishaps.They explained that they refused even to acknowledge the possible existence of the elephant.

The conundrum remains, however. Nobody can see the elephant, yet it is still most definitely there. Who will feed it, care for it, and clean up after it? Well-meaning but one-eyed wildlife freaks, who can certainly see the elephant, if nothing else, are pressing for the elephant to be released into the wild. There it will be able to lead a free and happy life trampling ivory hunters.

Brexit is most definitely a case of the blind leading the blind. The white sticks will assist MPs to negotiate the dark days ahead. But neither blinkers nor rose-tinted spectacles can save their sight.

The Home Office was in chaste mood today as it released a list of activities that are now banned on patriotic grounds to help make a success of Brexit.

“Number one, french kissing is over,” Amber Rudd, Home Office Secretary, told LCD Views’ Dating Advice columnist, “french breadsticks are going too, as  one often leads to the other.  Sourdough will do well enough for honest British snoggers hereafter.”

But the addition of french letters to the list of proscribed activities and items caused criticism that the Home Office had not thought things through.

“Of course we have,” Ms Rudd replied primly, “we going to need a baby boom to replace all those foreign workers that are going home and taking their newly illegal activities with them.

French letters are almost certainly a French plot to undermine the great British birth rate. It’s much simpler just to ban them instead of having inspectors going around the country piercing each one individually with a pin. Even though that adds an element of surprise to unexpecting parents.”

But how does the Home Office expect to police the banning of french kissing?

“Easy. We’re going to surveil you. After Brexit you will have to apply for an “intimacy permit”. If you are successful you will be supervised during the times supervised for close contact. Some have called this a needless job creation scheme, but I refute that. We’ve already made enough civil service jobs just trying to find something sensible for David Davis to say.”

LCD Views welcomes all measures taken to encourage a greater sense of national identity for proper Brits, but we think banning french kissing is perhaps a step too far. It would have been more sensible to just retitle it as British kissing and be done with it.

“You know someone once suggested to me if we just asked the EU27 to rename the ECJ as the BCJ we could have saved ourselves a hell of a lot of expense and effort. But it’s too late now. The people had a vote.”

A new slogan is expected to accompany the campaign to raise public awareness of the ban on french kissing and letters.

“No tongues please, we’re British,” Ms Rudd nodded soberly, “that ought to do it. And if it doesn’t we’re going to have G4S detain you.”

An environmental study conducted by Cambodge University has warned that extensive political fly tipping by the UK’s governing DUP party, and their junior coalition partners the Conservatives, is now killing the long grass of British politics.

“We were shocked,” lead researcher, Professor G Election, told LCD Views, “we expected some browning in patches, as you always get that from lack of sunlight with localised build ups of dumped political problems, but what we found was extensive bleaching and die off on a scale that is unprecedented.”

But what is the cause?

“Predominately it’s the Irish Border problem. The coalition government at Westminster is simply unable to find a solution that both appeases Prime Minister Arlene Foster’s adherence to ideological dogma, regardless of the risk to the GFA, and adheres to international law. So they keep throwing the problem back into the long grass, but each time they do it’s bigger and more urgent and smothers more of the grass.”

What else did you find in there?

“Pretty much the entire Conservative cabinet is in the long grass in one form or another. This is to do with the bald faced lying that is now common practise for ministers of state. But how to fire them and keep Theresa May in office? Well, that’s a pickle for another day.”

I suppose there were other issues too?

“Yes. How not to destroy 80% of the British economy by leaving the single market. Remember the Chinese told us, in the EU the UK is a door to Europe. Out of the EU, the UK is just a door.”

What do you advise we do about it? Healthy long grass is a vital part of a functioning political life, necessary sometimes to buy time to solve complex problems.

“Well, at the moment it’s just being utilised to ignore complex problems while the government phones anyone they can think of who may know how to work magic.”

What’s your solution?

“Stop Brexit. Put all of Brexit into the long grass. The sunlight will kill it fast and it will break down rapidly. Basically it’ll become compost once it’s decomposed and the long grass will soon regrow to be used by the next generation.”

Is it that easy?

“Yes. We just say, given all the lies and the likely malign interference in the actual campaign, and the clear risk to the United Kingdom by pursuing Brexit, which is the greatest mis-managed privatisation programme of our time, we are simply stopping it. Which we can do. We’ve been told by our friends in the EU this time and again.”

I’m sure Jeremy Corbyn will bring this up at the next PMQ’s.

“Sorry. If you’re going to make jokes I’m going to have to terminate this interview.”

A report just to hand says the biggest brain in Britain will be burning the midnight oil tonight to dream up something dumb to say tomorrow.

The brain, more commonly known as Bojo the Clown, or Boris Johnson MP for Wtf, is said to be uncertain comparing Putin to Hitler will carry enough headlines tomorrow.

”He’s got to get Ken Livingstone on the blower,” distraction specialist Aded Feline told LCD Views, “if you’re going with WW2 references Ken is the master.”

It’s not clear if Mr Johnson will double down on today’s diplomatic coup tomorrow though.

”It’s a line call. Now that Russia’s greatest democrat has successfully gained re-election by beating himself he probably has little interest in keeping the song and dance improv show going with Downing Street.”

Nigel Farage and Rees-mogg did help out today by symbolising the waste and idiocy of Brexit, but it’s up to Boris to fulfil his primary function in office and capture the headline tomorrow.

”He’ll be hard at it. He’ll be reading the classics right now, absorbing none of the lessons, and preparing to deliver a winning quotation that will have the MSM swarming after him.”

It’s thought the pressure is at one of its highest levels for sometime as this shambles of a government and tits on a bull Labour leadership together take the U.K. to clusterf*ck levels not seen for years.

”This Cambridge Analytica story has everyone jumpy. Senior members from the Conservatives are all throw the shadowy, anti-democratic data mining, psyops companies. We can not have the focus on that.”

At least Boris can thank his Brexiteering colleague, leader of whatever it is that passes for an official opposition today for not asking about Cambridge Analytica at PMQ’s today.

“Bloody SNP did though. Traitors. They’re subverting the will of the people by suggesting the will of the people may have been subverted. Vince won’t stop bringing it up either. Some democrat he is.”

Good luck Boris, you’re going to need it, any day now that strong breeze is going to blow the house of cards you charge around in down.