Category: Governing the people

“Amber’s mistake was writing her lies down on paper and not on the side of a big, red bus,” professional truth talker Boris Johnson MP (for Ruin) told us this morning over croissants and flat whites so trendy they were served on plates to make them really flat.

“How is one supposed to drink these bally coffees?” Boris wanted to know, “they should serve them with a straw.”

Your mate Gove has banned straws.

“Fracking hell, that’s right. Little sod. He should ban knives. I’d sleep better.”

So tell us about Amber Rudd’s mistakes?

“Rookie errors really,” Boris says, lifting his plate of coffee up and slurping at the edge, “It’s a question of perspective really. As regards the people you’re lying to. Make it big and bold as brass. And make it vague! Don’t write it down clearly on paper with official letterheads. I’ve no sympathy for her. Pieces of paper are so easily leaked…if you’ve the right person at a big newspaper. A big bus is watertight.”

But your big bus lie was filmed. It’s there forever. Paper can be shredded.

“Written down words are really small. Like ants. You never get them all. But a suggestion, that’s wriggle room, emblazoned on the side of a moving target that will be interpreted as a promise? That’s the magic touch. Class act.”

Amber stuck it out a long time though.

“Wouldn’t you? One step away from the throne? A career of ruined businesses behind her? What’s she going to do? Go back into private enterprise? With her CV?!

Now, must dash, I have to go and prep a close family member to start leaking stuff about Javid to the papers. Got to keep the instability going. This is how I survive. This is how I prosper. One headline after another. Just think of the success he’s made of housing. Record rough sleeping. He’s primed already.”

And the country? What about the country?

“Party before country. We know it. Labour knows it. But me before party. And I am the country now. I am its face to the world.”

That doesn’t help me sleep well at night.

What are you doing about getting Nazanin Zaghari-Ratcliffe out of jail in Iran? That would be a good headline for you.

But he was already gone.

 

A group of foxes have started a parliamentary petition to have International Business Secretary Liam Fox stripped of his surname.

“We can’t stand it any longer,” one told us, while we ran along a high road in south London picking up discarded chicken bones from the gutter, “he’s an embarrassment. He’s neither sleek nor smart nor beautiful, when caught in a headlight like us. Have you ever seen him on the crest of a hill with the setting sun behind him and gone awww?

Although I guess he’ll end his days hunted into a hole in the ground. But that’s as close as the similarity gets.”

The fox went on to explain they actually conceived of the petition back when Liam Fox was fired as defence secretary for hiding that special friend behind curtains while on government business. Dishonesty is supposed to damn you, but it seems Liam was able to rise again.

“I was personally gobsmacked when he returned to the cabinet. But then Brexit, only the deluded and dumb want to be centerstage in Brexit.”

The petition has so far attracted nearly fifty thousand signatures.

“It’s not just foxes signing it,” the fox said, “humans are too. Which is nice. Normally they just chase us about so dogs can rip us to shreds. Or shout at us in the night when we’re screaming like demons and rutting underneath a bedroom window. So it gives me a bit of hope that your lot are throwing in with us on this topic. We’ll get this over one hundred thousand and get it debated in parliament. A group of owls have told me it’s a shoe in.”

But what surname should Doctor Fox have in place of fox?

“That’s not our problem,” he shrugged, “just not something from the animal kingdom. Pick something from your own world.”

You must have an idea?

“I’ll go for double glazed,” the fox suggested, “as that’s what I see when I look in his eyes. Or Liam Airmiles of course. Either one fits.”

 

An enormous quantity of lavatory paper has been requisitioned by the government. Strong, stable, and highly absorbent supplies are needed to clean ministers’ elbows.

In a move guaranteed to enrage the vitriolic press, the production of sanitary products has been outsourced to French company Gemerdeo, rather than British firm De La Pue.

LCD Views’ Whiff Of Bullshit correspondent asked Health Secretary Jeremy C. Hunt to explain.

“Once or twice a day, nature takes its course,” said Hunt patiently. “It is properly hygienic to wipe away any residue that adheres to the elbow.”

But surely you have mixed up two completely different bodily parts?

“You must be some kind of traitor to even think of contradicting a government minister!” bellowed Hunt. “Not even the BBC dares to do that any more! This interview is over.”

We sought a second opinion from the MP for Gotham City, Clarke Kent.

“Yes, Gotham City is part of my Rushcliffe constituency,” Kent confirmed. “But I think you are mistaking me for Batman!”

Easy mistake to make. Could you confirm the current lavatory situation in the House of Commons?

“It’s as if everyone has suddenly got those leather patches on their elbows,” said Kent. “It’s all the polishing they are doing with this new bog roll. But you should see the state of the toilet floor!”

It doesn’t bear thinking about. There is quite a stink arising from Westminster these days.

Are the ladies’ facilities any better, we asked MP Abbie Dianott.

“Fans have been installed in the toilets,” said Diannot, removing a clothes peg from her nose. “So that the shi… well, you know the expression. At least my elbows are so shiny you can see your face in them!”

It seems that our representatives are having difficulty distinguishing the affluent from the effluent. Freedom of movement, my arse.

Downing Street have released a photo this morning of the cabinet, taken during a special emergency meeting that discussed nothing and went all night, to prove they are unified and going in the same direction.

“There is no chance of Amber being forced to resign,” an insider told us, “no matter how much she now resembles a hard, crystallised relic holding dead insects inside that you might dig up in the ground and wonder how the bugs got trapped inside.”

The move will reassure the Home Secretary who is coming under increasing pressure to resign from her position because Ms May is physically incapable of firing anyone for lying or incompetence, especially when the lying and incompetence is the direct result of policies initiated when Ms May was in the position Ms Rudd is now.

“She’d have to fire the whole show ffs,” the source said, “if they were conditions for termination. Lying. Incompetence. It’s modern. What’s the problem? The main aim of modern politics in certain western democracies is to sell people bullshit to believe so tax havens get fatter. It’s how we do it now.”

Speculation that Ms Rudd is only continuing in post because she’s a human shield for the prime minister is flaring across social media.

“May was promoted beyond her abilities as home secretary,” our source said, “I’ve bugger all idea how she’s survived this long as prime minister. Especially with an opposition party determined to root out the red tories and other wrong thinkers in their own ranks. Deselect them! Once they’re purified they’ll come after us and that’ll be grim.”

Asked for a comment on Rudd’s position the prime minister’s office gave us this official statement,

“Amber Rudd will continue as Theresa May’s human shield until she’s so bullet ridden she can’t stand up,” the statement said, “especially as there’s a scandal a week to come now as we build on eight years of neocon greed is good politics while in office.”

Good luck Amber. We don’t mean it. We remember your opening speeches when you took over the Home Office. You were just following orders from the hard right coup leaders I suppose? One by one. Fi Fo Fo Fum.

Her Majesty’s Government is coming under increasing pressure to block a planned July visit by a famous hate preacher to the United Kingdom.

The man in question, known as David Dennison, aka Pastor Donald Trump, is due to arrive in the United Kingdom on Friday July 13th, but anti-fascist campaigners and other groups like, ‘Anyone with a sense of decency’, are said to be planning mass public protests to make the hate preacher certain what they believe of his views.

“It’s shocking that he’s leaving his church to travel to Britain in the first place,” an equality campaigner told LCD Views, “he normally only leaves his safe space, known as the golf course, to go to the toilet and tweet his insane belief system to the world about 5am every morning. The number of tweets believed to be dependent on how constipated he is from a diet of only cheeseburgers, fizzy pop, Fox News and staring at himself in the mirror.”

The insane belief system is known to involve a moveable feast of the worst of human nature from KKK and white supremacy, to legitimising sexual assault by being elected to the most important office of state on Earth, most likely thanks to assistance from organised crime figures, to encouraging racism, sexism and other forms of prejudice as a means to an end for personal profit.

Essentially he harnesses the energies of dispossessed socio-demographic groups in American society, while having zero intention of doing anything to assist them. It’s why he called himself Mr Brexit, although it could also be because of the presumed Kremlin interference in both the UK EUref and the last US presidential election.

“I guess it makes sense that he’s traveling now,” the campaigner added, “his views are so extreme, the dirty money trails swirling around him becoming so clear, it’s likely he won’t be traveling anywhere apart from a holding pen to the courthouse before the year is out.”

But why has the UK government failed to block his visit, when the potential damage to anyone close to the preacher is certain?

“Are you kidding?” a spokesman for the office of the prime minister told us, “Thames Water are terrified of what will happen if they block the visit. The sheer volume of stored urine that would be poured into the sewers of London alone is judged sufficient to overwhelm the network and flood the city.”

Public safety is clearly a concern.

“Also, it’s highly likely that Theresa May won’t still be prime minister when David Dennison lands on the UK’s shores,” they added, “so she’s basically setting up a nightmarish diplomatic trap for whoever follows her. To cancel the visa or not to cancel? It’s a nice up yours to the Queen too. May is still trying to work out how to pay her back for that EU hat. So it will give her something to smile about as she listens to her husband count their money as her PA organises to get her on the well paid after dinner speaking circuit.”

Hot on the heels of Corbyn’s slow response to the Royal Baby, the Daily Express has laid into him again. He is now guilty of not condemning foreigners for irresponsible breeding.

As Britain gears up to feed another baby born of European stock, a row is brewing. The basis of it is that Corbyn hasn’t done enough to root out Labour members who might have foreign ancestors.

As leader of the so-called opposition, Corbyn is required to take up two contradictory positions at any given time. This is necessary training to become Prime Minister. The PM herself must believe up to six impossible things before breakfast.

Protocol dictates that congratulations, however insincere, must be forthcoming. Imagine the furore had Corbyn commented before Theresa May’s programmers had finished choosing the most appropriate cliché.

The Royal Sprog’s parents, Will and Kate Oxbridge, are believed to be doing well, since there are plenty of people in the Royal household running round after them. The message from Buckingham Palace read “Nanny and baby are doing well.”

There has been much speculation about the baby’s name. Some wags have suggested he be named Jeremy. Ladbroke’s are offering odds of 10-1 for Dwayne, 50-1 on George II, and 5000-1 on Baby McBabyface.

The Duke of Edinburgh has been getting involved with typical German efficiency. “I do hope they don’t call it something stupid like Eugenie,” he reportedly said. “And I’m not a bloody German, I’m Greek!”

The Duke also disclosed that the baby had inherited his father’s hair, before being dragged off by George and Charlotte to play at being fuzzy-wuzzies again.

We tried to interview the Little Prince himself. He opened an eye, removed the nipple from his mouth, and said “I’m a newborn baby, I can’t talk yet. Now bugger orff, I’m feeding!”

Labour activists belatedly slammed the Express for failing to produce a 19 page Royal Baby supplement. The Express has retaliated by producing a 19 page supplement of pictures of Jeremy Corbyn holding babies, presumed to be foreign.

Great news for backers of parliamentary sovereignty today with the announcement that the House of Lords is to officially replace Jeremy Corbyn’s Labour Party as the official opposition in the House of Commons, after a successful pilot scheme focused on fundamental human and worker’s rights.

“We weren’t sure how the pilot would go,” Lord Such and Such told LCD Views, “we were a bit worried the old Maybot might attempt to skew the result by creating one thousand new peers.

Or that too many of the Lords would nap.

But it seems old Maybot was so busy staring at her pot plant, wondering why it was withering when she watered it personally, that she forgot to get her list of party donors out in time and ring round to see who wanted a peerage.

Oh, and it seems where their grandkids welfare is concerned, the old Lords are surprisingly alert. Probably something to do with Christmas.”

Under the changes the Lords will sit on the green opposition benches in the Commons and face Theresa May, or whoever is Conservative Party leader next week after the customs union vote this Thursday, and give her the sort of welly she’s been missing.

“You wait until Adonis cracks the whip,” Lord Such and Such said, “although we’ll probably give the job of leader in the lower house to Heseltine as that will be the biggest wind up.

No one saw this coming. Thatcher era Tory party politicians being demonstrably more concerned with the long term welfare of the man and woman on the street than this current, caring Conservative mob.”

Asked for comment to the changes, expected to be performed initially with the Queen watching in her EU hat, and later unsupervised, the Labour Party replied,

“The people had a vote, it’s not our job to protect fundamental worker’s rights in the commons. Anyway, we’ve a small meeting to attend at a town hall somewhere. Stoking the revolution. Wait until Brexit has you all broken and eating out of bins and then see if you don’t join the revolution.”

Responding for the government Amber Rudd replied,

“Who doesn’t trust us to preserve basic rights after we’ve thrown off all those irritating rights enshrined in EU laws and treaties? There’s nothing in our record in government that says we don’t really genuinely value all people.

Our hard right paymasters are also going to be pretty cheesed if the Lords don’t just read out letters from individual constituents week after week but actually attack us on all the massive holes in our armour.

If they take up Cambridge Analytica we’re totally stuffed, it potentially goes right to the top of government.

Good thing Jezza is a Brexiter and not that much interested in discovering how deep the complete and utter corruption of our electoral system has gone.

What if the Lords start demanding under parliamentary privilege that we get to the bottom of where Bank’s massive money injection came from in 2015?

The mind boggles at the threat of having an official opposition not playing some dumb “long game”, but actually tearing us to shreds as they could. Some pundits say we’d fall in a week.”

The lords were also asked to make further comment but they were too busy leaping.

Britain’s most principled politician, Saint Jeremy of Islington North, is to promise to make Brexit Day a national holiday, so he can finally get a poll lead on the worst prime minister anyone can remember.

“It’s a puzzle it is,” an aide to Saint Jeremy said to LCD Views, before rushing off to report this page to Facebook for undermining the leader, “we have the worst government anyone can remember for a long time.

It’s demonstrably cruel, it’s institutionally racist, it’s dedicated itself to economic calamity to further enrich a tiny minority of the people, i.e. Brexit, which equals Nigel Farage and his values, in case your global readership has forgotten, and Theresa May is polling better than Saint Jeremy?”

It’s a bit of a puzzle, we agree. I would have thought the centre, the left and right of it, the swing vote would have swung tectonically to Labour by now, just for sanity, just for hope? I suspect you guys would just crush the Tories if you stood against the Brexit lies rather than trying to fudge it and appeal to all sides. There is a mountain of votes up for grabs.

The polling for the smaller parties not changing much isn’t an indication that fighting Brexit won’t gain you mass support, it’s because Brexit is so huge an issue that voters are looking to one of the major parties to deal with it. The ones with the power to make an immediate difference.

“You’ve just bored me with all those words. Can I continue where I was?”

Please do.

“We potentially have the worst prime minister ever and we can’t get a poll lead on the government?

I mean, what the, there should really be a public inquiry, because we just can’t puzzle it out.

Well, we can blame the public of course. That’s one of our key psychological survival tools. Denigrate and blame anyone who dares to question any of Saint Jeremy’s policies. I learnt that from arguing with kippers online. It’s why I’m supporting Jeremy’s support of Brexit, which is UKIP.

Most of my day is spent sending messages to anyone who raises a query about Saint Jeremy by calling them a ‘centrist, yellow tory, blairite who is propping up this cruel government and you are directly responsible for what the tories do because you undermine the leader by not supporting his job’s first Brexit’.

Well, less polite than that.

I have to make it quick because I need to get my comrades to send the same message and retweet ‘blairite scum’ at them for day after day, until they’re all finally muted.

Even though that class traitor probably didn’t vote for Blair. Facts don’t matter. We’re doing populism now too. Populism and insults. It worked a treat for UKIP. It’ll get those class traitors sufficiently shamed to vote for us.”

So it’s thought that by pandering to Leave voters more and promoting a policy certain to be popular with them will help Labour finally crack. We mean, finally crack the riddle of the polls?

“It’s a no fail strategy. If we promise to make Brexit Day, the 29th of March, a public holiday, who won’t vote for us? I mean, who doesn’t want a day off?”

Jobs first Brexit policy is certainly going to enable the Tories to give potentially hundreds of thousands many days off.

“Why’s that?”

Because they’ll be searching for a job to replace the job that went first with a jobs first Brexit policy.

“Are you undermining the leader?”

NO. I’m calling for him to act like a friggin’ opposition leader and resist the racism fuelled, rights stripping neoliberal economic, asset stripping shitshow that is Brexit.

“Yellow Tory Blairite Class Traitor.”

Explain to me how Brexit is going to enable Labour to enact all those much needed policies to address social inequality and protect and regenerate all those areas of the country that are suffering and then insult me again.

“You just have to have to faith in Saint Jeremy.”

That’s not an answer.

“It’s not our fault or Saint Jeremy’s if you don’t vote for us. It’s because you don’t care about people.”

Thank you for coming. Good luck solving the riddle of the polls. I’ll give you a hint. It’s because Saint Jeremy is a Brexiter and that’s no choice because Brexit will govern all.

“Yellow tory. Getting ready for your re-tweets. You’re enabling the Tory Brexit.”

There is only Brexit. Anyone that tells you otherwise is being economical with the truth.

“See, we won’t overspend in that area!”

Or any other, if you continue to support Brexit and don’t fight for the good of everyone against the proven lies of the Brexiters.

“Immigrants are undermining the workers.”

I’m going now. Thank you for coming. Enjoy your attempt at populism.

 

The government has offered much needed clarity this morning about their guiding philosophy.

”Break first and repair later,” Irritated Duncan Table MP told a fawning and entirely imaginary Andrew Marr on his soon to be discontinued morning chat show. Discontinued because what really is the point Andrew? These days?

When Mr Marr responded,

”Oh you are just the epitome of the noble English ideal of a wise and well governing gentleman. I remember, when I was misunderstanding Churchill…”

This happened for a while and then,

”But why break what isn’t really broken? Why not just look to improve and repair where needed?”

Irritated Table Smith reached forward and touched Mr Marr reassuring on the knee and replied.

”It’s the very essence of disaster capitalism,” he replied, “you need to break systems that are well proven to function in order to cause their price to plummet.”

Mr Marr enquired, with a doff of the cap, “why?”

”So you can make an absolute killing without producing anything. Once you’ve purchased the undervalued asset due to the preparatory work to trash its cost, you stabilise it, returning it to profitability and funnel all the profits to Panama, or the tax haven of your choice. That’s if you haven’t just broken it to it’s component parts and sold them on of course.”

Mr Marr nodded approvingly and sang a short song of love to show how comfortably feathered and lazy he, Robinson, Humphrys, Neil (with aberrant, occasional bursts of enquiry when he recalls what his job is) are these days. In fact the other old chaps of what was once British journalism came out for the encore.

”Ah, so that’s the Brexit strategy too? Break entire country for the profit of a few? And luckily parliament is full of just enough useful idiots to squeeze things through. Well, for the time being.”

A home office memo leaked to LCD Views regarding proposed policy changes forcing honesty in politics reveals the changes were abandoned after ministers were warned most would be kicked out of office.

”The memo dates from just after David Cameron’s caring conservatives were unleashed to govern alone in 2015,” crack investigative reporter Rosie reveals, “due to the promise to hold an in/out referendim on whether or not to completely destroy the United Kingdom, it was apparent that lying through the teeth was going to be vital for many sitting MPs to survive the ref campaign.”

As such any changes to rules governing the behaviour of elected representatives and holding them more fully accountable when they bullshit the public like there’s no tomorrow we’re seen as an existential threat.

”We’ve seen the wisdom of accepting the advice of civil servants that most MPs would be stuffed if they made the changes and how much foresight was involved in not changing a damn thing.”

Happily the freedom to rig select committees in the government’s favour by way of obscure legislative instruments means they’re safe in that way too.

”David Davis would have been out on his ear the day he took office. Boris would have been forcibly ejected from parliament at his maiden speech. Theresa May? Christ. She also would lose her job day in and day out.”

But what have Labour to say about the revelations.

”Jobs first Brexit. Blaming migrant workers for eroding living conditions of leave supporters. Calling for article 50 to be triggered the day after the referendum. Whipping MPs in support of Theresa May at most crunch points so far in the Brexit process. They’ve a fair bit to say.”

But not all of those are lies.

”No. Some are just grossly incompetent.”

So we’re stuck with lying ministers in government till 2022?

”Not necessarily. The people can remember democracy functions best when elected politicians are held to account for their actions.

We can all change this system before it’s too late if we get serious. If enough voters demand it.

Preferably before people start digging up undeclared caches of arms in Northern Ireland. Not that I’m saying there are any. You know, hypotheticals and all that. Brexiters.

They’ll get people killed. Don’t let them get away with it.”