Fantastic news today for a country now dedicated to the wisdom of penny wise and pound foolish macroeconomic wonderstuffing with the announcement from the Palace of Westminster that they are going to save millions anally by keeping the lights in House of Come Off It! permanently switched off.

”No one is ever home anyway,” Mr Cranium, superintendent at HoC, told LCD Views,

“even when the old joint is heaving with MPs desperately voting for whatever so they can nip down to a taxpayer subsidised lunch, before all the creme brûlée is gone, you couldn’t say anyone was home, no matter how frantically the fluoro lights are buzzing.”

The cost saving measure is timely too, with MPs about to return to work (using the word loosely) after having pissed away several months avoiding their constitutionally stipulated work of careful governance.

”See how much the executive has gotten done while the lights have been off? They’ve created a whole new minister! Food security and ration app creation. And they dreamt up Chequers! They couldn’t have gotten that done stumbling around the HoC in the dark of their thoughts, bumping into each other all the time. Blowflies against window panes.”

The money saved will be put to good use too.

”Stockpiling mostly, for when the government succeeds in making a success of Brexit and Light Globe Britain strides forth onto the seas to introduce itself to puzzled heads of state wondering what the fcuk happened to the old Britain.”

And what will be stockpiled?

”Incandescent light bulbs. Mostly they’ll be suspended over the MPs’ heads to symbolise just how damn clever they were to think about appointing a food supply minister before intentionally breaking our food supply chains. That’s forward planning right there, that is. They can turn the bulbs on when they have another bright idea. We don’t expect that’ll add to the lighting bill at all.”

There has been considerable speculation about the Beluga whale that found its way up the Thames earlier this week. Now the truth has been revealed. It turns out that senior members of the conservative party are looking to set up their own means of caviar production in the event of a no-deal Brexit.

Speaking at a press conference, Theresa May said:

“Look, after Brexit, of course there’s going to be a shortage of food so it’s important that rich people can continue to enjoy luxury foods, and caviar is one of the chief symbols of that status, so naturally it’s one of our top priorities.”

A processing factory has already been put into operation to keep the supply coming.

For once Jacob Rees-Mogg was one hundred per cent behind her.

“She’s absolutely doing the right thing, enabling the rich to continue living in opulence.”

When asked if the top priority should actually be the basic necessities to feed the masses, not just a few snobs, Mr Rees-Mogg laughed and said:

“Oh don’t be silly. If a few million plebs have to die because they can’t get some meat then that’s just bad luck, but you can’t expect people like us to do without our caviar surely? That would be ridiculous. How will nanny feed me dinner if my silver spoon is ligula argento vacua.”

The conviction with which he said this left this reporter in no doubt as to his sincerity to this cause clearly so close to what passes for his heart.

Somehow still prime minister Theresa May is to offer the people a ‘People’s Vote’ on her soon to be negotiated EU deal, versus cancelling Brexit and remaining in the EU.

The shock news comes ahead of the looming Conservative Party Conference, to be held in Stirling this year, and is intended to…

”Stop Boris screwing about with the sign behind her when she speaks this year,” strategic consultant to the PM, Mr Strategy, told LCD Views.

It’s believed the offer to confirm the will of the people prior to the greatest constitutional change to the U.K. since WW2 is being done because at the end of the day democracy is the most important thing. And yes, in spite of what some curious (curious in the sense of being idiots) people seem to believe, offering the people a confirmatory vote is more democracy, not less.

”It’ll also completely blindside the dumb old trots running Labour for a while, who are just playing politics with Brexit,” Mr Strategy said, “unlike ourselves who are just running scared of some homegrown swivelled eyed sociopaths we stupidly stuck blue rosettes on. Oh, and the Russians, we’ve taken far too much of their money. You wouldn’t believe how compromised we are as a party. It’s terrifying.”

Quite what the Labour leadership will make of the offer is not yet certain, but an insider with an ear inside their ruling Council of Ministers gave us the following, off the record, quote,

”A People’s Vote, without ruling out remain, that is not in the prime minister’s gift. That is solely the preserve of Labour and other jams. We’ll sue for intellectual property theft. This completely fcuking blindsides us strategically. It’s not on. We get to stare into the maw of the political gifthorse of Brexit as long as we fcuking well please! We call the shots. The Tories are finished.”

If Labour doesn’t seize the day, or carp and diem, as JRM might say, I wouldn’t be surprised if the savage strategists in the Tory Party, who know how to cling to power (even if it’s only to make people starve), take the gifthorse away.

The steering committee at Labour’s annual conference in Liverpool has confirmed that it has allocated time for a debate as to whether seating arrangements in the main conference hall should be altered prior to any further debate on Brexit.

Committee spokesperson Loretta Beckence confirmed that the committee recognised that the Labour party is a broad church and that members have the right to disagree.

“For that reason we need to ensure that anyone opposing Jeremy’s decision to leave the European Union should only be allowed to sit at the back of the hall, preferably on the floor, bound and gagged,” she explained.

“They need to understand that their ideology of free thought and open debate is dead in the water and being forced down by the giant foot of popular historical Momentum,” she added explaining that those who failed to support the Corbyn leadership’s commitment to free speech and open debate will be purged.

“Like the half-digested Blairite scum that they are,” she added.

Labour’s shadow chancellor John McDonnell confirmed to waiting reporters that neither the debate on seating arrangements nor any debate on Brexit itself would include any discussion on whether or not Brexit should actually go ahead.

“The people have spoken, and to do anything other than implement their will on the positioning of furniture or leaving the EU, would be a betrayal of the democratic process,” he snarled.

McDonnell declined to respond to questions as to whether at the next general election he would be seeking to overturn the will of the people that signally failed to come even close to electing Labour at the last three elections in 2010, 2015 and 2017, and in 2005 elected Labour as a single party government with only 35% of the vote, the lowest vote count recorded by a winning party in a general election.

“As Chinese communist leader Humpty Dumpty so rightly put it ‘When I use a word it means just what I choose it to mean – neither more nor less’,” he sneered.

Campaigners arguing against Brexit have fought back at accusations that they are trying to overturn the result of the now-infamous referendum. They argue that Brexiters are instead trying to overturn the result of the Battle of Hastings.

“It’s the principle of it,” claims activist Russell Sprout. “As Brexiters are so keen to take us back to a rose-tinted past, how about 1066? The Norman French won, you lost, so get over it!”

Sprout explains that the UK (or its predecessors) has been governed by Europeans for a very long time. “You can’t just ignore almost 1,000 years of history,” he booms. “This country has been ruled by Europeans ever since 1066, and it is ridiculous to pretend otherwise. Conquest means Conquest!”

Brexiter Stan Dalone was not impressed. “The people had a vote!” he gammoned. “We want out, and we want out now. You can’t ignore 17.4 million people. Although you can ignore 16.1 million people, because they are liberal elitist traitors, and we don’t like them!”

“But a thousand years ago, a Frenchman shot an arrow into an Englishman’s eye,” Sprout persisted. “That means that the French won. It’s no good moaning, the result stands and I don’t care if the French cheated. You can’t argue with democracy!”

“Democracy didn’t stop in 1066!” squealed Dalone. “Democracy stopped on 23 June 2016!”

The debate was clearly going nowhere, so LCD Views sought the opinion of analyst Eva Nowt. “The truth is, the real reason for Brexit is nothing to do with democracy,” Nowt said. “It’s all about money. The argument goes, rich people are rich because they are good with money, so you give them more to look after. The poor would only squander it on rubbish like food, so they can’t be trusted with it. Brexit will help to transfer funds from the delinquent poor to the responsible rich.”

And that is, of course, exactly what the Normans did. Roll on feudalism!

The architects of Brexit were the global mega-rich. Its seeds have been coddled in Fleet Street for many years. Its midwife was Nigel Farage. But now its birthplace has been revealed. Brexit emerged, crying and spluttering, into the world in the back room of ‘the club with the twist’, the Möbius Strip Club.

The club’s former owner, Constant D. Klein, resigned instead of throttling the infant at birth, as should have been done. In the pithy words of club regular Manny Fold, Klein “bottled it”.

Möbius strippers are a unique breed. Since they are the same on the inside and the outside, there is no need to remove any clothing. In any case, they are identical up to isomorphism. If you’ve seen one, you’ve seen them all.

Möbius regulars are used to only seeing one side of an argument, and will swear that the inside of the club is the same as the outside. However, the real mischief went on in the exclusive “4D Lounge”. In that rarefied and esoteric environment, squaring the circle was not only desirable, it was compulsory.

Here, the possible and the impossible do not simply coexist, they are the same thing. Under the influence of strong homeomorphisms, Brexiters discovered that knotty problems like the Irish border exist and don’t exist simultaneously.

The contradictions became plainly projected, claims Fold. “We realised that objects could, apparently, pass through themselves” he said. “It was the answer to everything. Brexit could function continuously and compactly.”

The shadowy figure who provided the powerful transformations, known as “The Doctor in the Hausdorff”, was too busy transforming from a mug to a doughnut and back to talk to us. Homeomorphisms are dangerous in the wrong hands. Just say no, people.

This type of proposition requires rigorous proof. However, the Möbius Strip Group refuses to offer any justification. Instead, the proof is left as an exercise for the reader.

The Leave Means Leave battle bus is a topless model. It allowed jubilant fans to observe a large meaty packet and a pair of ginormous tits.

The one ginormous tit, otherwise known as Nigel Farage, was given a standing ovation simply for flopping out on to the stage. His counterpart – the left tit to Nigel’s right – is better known as Kate Hoey, who is struggling to comprehend how advocating a hard Brexit fails to endear her to her largely Remain-backing constituents.

Supporting this pair of tits was not in fact a cantilevered bra, but the packet of mince formerly known as David Davis. A man who resigned his cabinet post in order to bring himself to the same relevance as his companions, meant his appearance was largely irrelevant.

Because everyone really wanted to see the tits. “Everyone calls them a pair of boobies,” said enraptured worshipper Halle Lujah. “But to me they are the breast of Britain! My chest swelled with pride as they stood two abreast on stage. Out and proud!”

Other audience members were equally enthusiastic. “They really milked it!” gushed Mamma Ryglands. “I feel like the cat that got the cream!”

The Bolton crowd was satisfied. Many had only got on the bus in the first place because they assumed the open-top bus was going to Wigan Pier, but the spectacle of a pair of real, live tits more than adequate compensation.

One commentator described the open-top bus as an apt metaphor for a movement that is distinctly lacking up top. Farage fans described the commentator as a ‘Southern softie from Manchester’. The bus claimed to enjoy going topless as it meant lots of people climbed on top of her.

The tits talked bollocks. Henry Bolton claimed that the venue had been named after him. Numerous women in Wigan were pleased that their husbands were pestering someone else. All in all, a great success.

As conference season approaches, the Prime Minister’s position has never been less strong and stable. She is anticipating a leadership contest, and the surprise frontrunner is a chocolate teapot.

As normal, there are several other candidates. Some Tories have backed an inflatable dartboard, others a waterproof towel. The ERG is supporting the candidacy of a tetrahedral football.

LCD’s Useful Household Objects correspondent spoke to the teapot. “Britain runs on tea!” it stated proudly. “Theresa May couldn’t produce a decent brew if you gave her teabags, a kettle, and detailed instructions. I always say, if you can’t stand the heat, get out of the tearoom.”

Sovereignty is a key message. “True Brits love their sovereignty,” claimed the teapot. “If elected, I promise that everyone will be able to enjoy as much Sovereign Tea as they want!”

What about May’s infamous red lines? “Instead of red lines, I will have Blue Ribands,” said the teapot. “Biscuit means biscuit.”

The teapot revealed that May was opposed to both Hard water and Soft water. “She wants frictionless water, which produces tea even the French would be ashamed of,” the teapot commented. “Everything has been watered down far too much!”

“In addition, May tends to wilt and collapse in on herself when the heat is on,” remarked the teapot. “She is like a teabag with no leaves, useless whenever she gets into hot water.”

Glossing over the fact that chocolate and heat is also a bad combination, we asked the teapot to run the rule over its leadership rivals.

“The waterproof towel is a joke, quite honestly,” it said. “It has been around for years, yet hasn’t absorbed a single drop of wisdom in all that time. The tetrahedral football is a stick-in-the-mud, a complete oddball. And the inflatable dartboard is forever letting itself down.”

The chocolate teapot is an appetising prospect. At least it shouldn’t leave a nasty taste in the mouth.

Dominic Raab, Secretary of State for making David Davis look clever, faced heated questions this evening after his actions literally led to a sudden and dramatic worsening of the trade deficit with Germany.

”He wrote to Starmer to try and get Labour’s answers to an upcoming school quiz on Brexit and the People’s Vote,” Raab handler, Mr Baboon Handler, told LCD Views,

“You know, whether or not to destroy the U.K. and hand the bloody parts over to US neocons so Liam Fox looks good, or like, give the people a chance to just, well, not,

“And he was hoping for guidance from Mr Constructive Ambuguity? It’s nuts. Dominic’s job is almost impossible for Dominic as it is [not for most though]. I only took my eye off him for a moment. I feel so bad. I should never have left him alone with a junior civil servant and access to a printer and official paper. I didn’t follow procedure and I’m very sorry.”

But left alone Dominic was and he immediately underscored why there are strict instructions for his handling at all times.

The drafting and sending of the letter from the Secretary of State, pretty much begging Labour to tell their mortal enemies what they intend to do at the Labour conference this weekend, regarding calls for a People’s Vote on the no deal Brexit May is to achieve, just made the government look even sillier and more certain of falling any day now than usual.

”As soon as Keir put the letter on twitter importers of German made goods said sod the fancy cars and mass ordered schadenfreude. Still, it’s a good thing they did it now. After Brexit all those sniggers, grins and ha ha’s at our failure with Brexit negotiations will just rot at Dover waiting to clear customs.”

Mr Starmer is understood not to have replied officially and just made hay with the letter, as is sensible.

”What did little Dominic even expect? I doubt Starmer knows the answer himself. Not ever having a Brexit position is exactly Labour’s strategy.”

It’s understood rules for handling Raab are to be reviewed with the advice he is only now allowed access to edible paper.