Category: Governing the people

The latest addition to the political party scene has proved to be an instant hit. The Great British Cuppa Party (GBCP) has attracted voters from across the spectrum.

“I expect Nigel Farage is a bit put out,” said Betty Spysztov, GBCP founder. “Everyone at the WI and the Mothers’ Union was saying to me, I’m sick of politics, I would rather have a nice cup of tea. So the GBCP was born, and people with Brexit Fatigue have flocked to us in droves.”

This is despite having no funding, no policies and no manifesto. “It worked for Nigel,” observed Spysztov wryly.

Candidates are standing, or more often sitting, in every region. Armed with nothing more than a China tea set, a table and a set of dining room chairs, some of the more progressive candidates are also offering cake.

Nigel Farage has tried to emulate this naked populism by launching his very own Beer And Fags Party, but ran into difficulties. “We had a large take-up initially,” Farage grumbled. “But then our members’ wives told them not to be so silly, they drink too much anyway, and to have a nice cup of tea, and a slice of Battenburg, and not to argue. I had to cancel the piss-up in the brewery.”

But the GBCP has already run into difficulties. “Coffee drinkers have felt disenfranchised,” explained Spysztov. “And factions have developed. We have an Earl Grey splinter group, who are really hardcore. Already the milk-firsters and the tea-firsters are barely on speaking terms. There are purists who argue that we shouldn’t serve cake at all, although some permit biscuits, just not Jaffa Cakes. And don’t get me started on whether ‘scone’ should be pronounced ‘scone’ or ‘scone’!”

Despite all this, the GBCP is polling consistently around the 42% mark, enough to give Brussels a decent tea break during the next parliament.

Tea Leaves means Tea Leaves. Pop the kettle on, brew up, slice the cake. We’re off to Brussels.

BREAKING : The UK’s transport infrastructure is without leadership today after the man responsible for making sure the trains don’t run on time, Chris Grayling, was rushed to A&E, believed to be suffering from acute fatigue.

It’s thought the breaking point was getting interim leader of Change UK+TIG+CHUK, Heidi Allen, to not only have multiple names for one new brand, as well as a logo that looks like a draft plan for a zebra crossing, but to also put the kiss of death into their electoral chances in the upcoming European parliament elections by suggesting a ‘clean Brexit’ should be on any confirmatory referendum.

https://www.theneweuropean.co.uk/top-stories/heidi-allen-interview-in-the-house-magazine-1-6018710

“Shortly before dawn emergency services in Surrey were called to a private address after reports of a middle aged male in clown shoes collapsing,” a source inside Ashtead A&E claimed to have told LCD Views, “it’s believed he reached breaking point trying to devise a new campaign leaflet for Labour after hitting a home run with the PV free first one.”

https://www.politicshome.com/news/uk/political-parties/labour-party/news/103454/anger-labour-european-election-leaflets-fail

It’s not known how serious the man’s condition is, but our sources say medics are confident that after connecting him to an IV line, connected to a spinning bowtie that spurts water, he should recharge.

“It takes immense mental strength to ruin three electoral campaigns consecutively,” our source added, “and run them into the ground at the same time. Getting to the point where local Conservative activists refuse to campaign for the party was achievement enough. The Labour leaflet fiasco and then the massive work done for Change UK, well, anyone would be out of steam.”

https://www.theguardian.com/politics/2019/apr/19/tory-councillors-refuse-to-campaign-for-next-months-eu-elections

The individual concerned is expected to be kept under observation over the weekend, with a red nose firmly attached to lift his spirits in the hope he will make a full recovery.

“As long as sufficient sources of slapstick and clowning are kept in his environment he’ll be back on his feet and ready to lend the LibDems and Greens a hand, should they be foolish enough to reach out for one in the coming weeks.”

We wish the man concerned a slow recovery. He’s done enough for the country already. He should be allowed to rest.

Formerly fluffy headed buffoon Boris Johnson has apparently given up on ever leading the Conservative Party. Instead he has set his sights on leading the ERG.

Out will go the staid leadership of Jacob Rees-Mogg. In will come a group fashioned in Boris’ own image. No more European Research, as Boris never did any anyway. Instead, it will become the BOris Rules! Group, or BORG for short.

The BORG will then attempt a takeover of the whole of Parliament. This will happen by assimilation, as entire factions succumb to the charm of the straw-headed straw man. The BORG collective will absorb all knowledge, and become immune to all opposition.

This will greatly assist some of the current ERG’s lesser lights. Suddenly, mutton-headed gammonistas like Mark Francois and Andrew Bridgen will instead become drones. They will drone on and on, but be in possession of the hive mind. Loss of individuality and the necessity to recharge the batteries at regular intervals will be small inconveniences.

Other changes will occur. Instead of Rees-Mogg’s schoolboy Latin, BORG drones will spout cod Shakespeare, and waffle and stammer in an endearing fashion. The clowning will conceal a burning ambition to rule the Delta Quadrant, and conquer the Klingons, the Ferengi, and the Kardashians.

But the biggest target of the BORG will be the Federation, otherwise known as the EU. The BORG’s mission statement reads, ‘This is the EU of our discontent’. It is prepared to refight the Battle of Bosworth every year until the right side wins. The BORG will absorb the defection that cost the King the battle, so that treachery becomes the norm.

“A whore, a whore!” they will cry. “My constituency for a whore!”

The BORG King himself will sit at the centre of the web, pulling the strings, while dashing off another load of guff for The Telegraph. He will then unwind with a stiff brandy and a voluptuous secretary.

It will be a Titanic success. Unless it hits an iceBORG…

LCD Views can exclusively report today that little known digital television channel, Channel 4, is to premiere an expose which reveals that the entirety of British politics has been faked since 23/06/16.

“That’s actually fake news right there,” a producer at the up and coming channel told us, “the fakery really started after the Conservative victory in the 2015 GE and the passing of referendum legislation that in hindsight was clearly designed for gerrymandering and hijacking if even a narrow victory in a so called advisory poll was achieved. Oh, achieved through criminality and foreign interference by dark money and mass social media manipulation.”

But why haven’t the government acted to expose all that?

”You mean the government that’s attempting to profit from it?”

Oh. What about the official opposition? They must be bloody furious about the faking of an entire parliament just pretending to govern in the national interest?”

“You mean the ‘we respect the result of the referendum’ official opposition striving for a Brexit that um, ah, protects workers’ rights, jobs and investment?”

Are you accusing them of being in on it too? If that’s the case you should bog off and join the Tories!

”That’s a vote winning electoral strategy. Especially if you’re faking your opposition to government policy while supporting the delivery of it in principle.”

Well, at least the cross party talks on a Brexit compromise show an end to the farce. That’s mature politics.

”You’re talking about May and Corbyn sitting down to agree a deal that will destroy both of them if they do?”

Oh. We’re fcuk’d aren’t we?

”No. We have to get out and vote. First at the local elections in May. Then at the European Parliament elections late May. Then at the GE in August and finally at the confirmatory ballot on Brexit in early October.”

But who should we vote for?

”Anyone who isn’t lying through their teeth.”

Short list then!

”Currently, but if people vote for the honest brokers the list will lengthen every day.”

Fears that the cold hand of a dead premiership will be latched onto Downing Street for years to come today after PM Theresa ‘Maybe Maynot Maybot’ May declared she’s still staying to deliver Brexit, essentially declaring herself PM forever.

“And there’s not a god damn thing you can do about it,” the PM is believed to have told a meeting of the 1922 committee early this morning, “try as the completely rabid and derelict membership might.”

The meeting was an impromptu one held on the side of a cliff edge in Wales, where Ms May is holidaying over the Easter break, with senior members of the committee clinging to an uneven rock face like mountain goats.

It’s presumed Ms May hoped more than one would fall off, which given the advancing age of her party was highly probable.

”I’m here till October 31st,” May added, “because there’s Buckley’s chance of getting a deal through that salvages anything from the wreckage. This is because Corbyn wants wreckage to build a new world order on, bordered by England and powered by complete state control (got to leave the EU) to smash the temples of the moneylenders. I just want to stay in office. During October I will be applying for another extension to Article 50. And you just see if there’s enough of you left alive in December to do anything about me.”

She is believed then to have spent the rest of the meeting dragging herself lamely about repeating just one word, ‘brains’, a facility her government seems to be completely without.

We turned to our expert Doctor of politics for comment.

”The government is suffering from a condition known as Rigor Maytis,” Doctor Politics diagnosed, “it begins as a syndrome known as lame duckitis, and worsens from there. If it wasn’t for the fixed term parliament act making general elections harder to call, we probably would have cured ourselves by now.”

And whose idea was the fixed term parliament act again?

”David Cameron. The fffing muppet.”

Rumours are circulating within Downing Street that the prime minister Theresa May is terrified of Home Secretary Sajid Javid finding out that Vote Leave Broke The Law.

This follows Javid’s assertion that he could, in different circumstances, have been involved in knife crime. Instead, he has become embroiled in the biggest con the Cons have ever attempted.

Javid, it seems, is the-lights-are-on-but-there’s-nobody-Home Secretary in this respect. He still believes that Brexit is awfully lawful. And May wants things to stay that way. Ignorance is bliss, is the message coming from Number Ten. It never did Chris Grayling any harm.

LCD Views managed to speak to one of Downing Street’s Maybot programmers to get inside her AI chip.

“Her fear subroutine has been triggered,” said spokesgeek Ethan Ett-Cable. “This made her act irrationally. Her processors went into overdrive. This meant she had to make an emergency stop on the way to her Welsh holiday to download some dump files.”

Surely walking in the Welsh mountains is enough to calm anyone down?

“Yeah, but this is the Maybot,” remarked Ett-Cable. “She needs a factory reset. Fortunately Philip May knows which buttons to press.”

Meanwhile, Javid remained bullish. “Knife crime is very naughty indeed,” he explained to a group of hardened thugs in gangland. “I’m from Rochdale, so I know all about this sort of thing. We must be tough on knives, and tough on the causes of knives. To this end, I am proud to announce that, as a direct consequence of Brexit, all remaining knife factories in the UK will close down.”

This caused a ripple of interest in the room. Misinterpreting it as enthusiasm, Javid plunged on.

“We need more police and more prisons, to stop the problem after it has happened,” he claimed. “There is a fantastic opportunity for volunteer knife vigilantes to step up, and solve the problem we created when we slashed vital funding.”

The ripple was of genuine interest this time, as members of the audience saw themselves running the streets.

“We must fight knives with knives!” Javid concluded, to enormous acclaim.

You can take the boy out of Rochdale, but you can’t take Rochdale out of the boy.

https://www.theguardian.com/politics/2019/apr/15/sajid-javid-i-could-have-had-a-life-of-crime

BREAKING : LCD Views can reveal that the new series of Game of Thrones is coming under heavy fire from critics and viewers alike for a lack of imagination.

“Clearly the writers haven’t lived under Theresa May’s premiership,” any universal credit recipient, teacher, nurse, EU27 citizen in the UK, or just any voter said, “did they even bother to look across the pond to Blighty as they were story boarding this nonsense? The Ice King broke through the wall here years ago in the form of a flabby pig fancier.”

Even the political scheming in the famous television series has left people feeling half fed.

“There’s way more scheming in UK politics,” an avid fan scoffed, “even inside the individual factions that are supposed to be warring for the throne against each other. They’re doing more backstabbing and fighting against themselves.”

The unwelcome interruption of realism into the television show will lead to a surprising gain for an unexpected party however.

Our television critic had this to say :

“A double gin and tonic and don’t give me that look because it’s not even lunch time yet.”

They also addressed Game of Thrones.

“The ratings for the BBC parliament channel are already through the roof. The failure of the producers of G&T, I mean GoT, hic, excuse me…right. Oh my God. Did you put lime in Hendricks? I can’t even get a bloody slice of cucumber in here? The conditions I have to work under, I tell you, bloody appalling. Anyway, where were we?”

Game of Thrones…ffs….

“Ah yes. The producers of the Parliament channel have plans over the Easter break to jazz up old Bercow’s speaker’s chair and not with hands. The next time you hear him shouting ‘Orderrrrrrrrrr’ at the collection of white walkers, people of the forests, would be dragon slayers and multi-millionaire, career politician, pretend international socialists, he’ll be on a seat Sean Bean made famous. Rest in peace Sean, in every film and television show you ever star in, ever, amen.”

LCD Views would like to encourage the makers of Game of Thrones to try a little harder next time.

Basically take whatever batshit crazy nonsense is rattling around the heads of IDS and Rees-mogg and put some wings on it. Then you’ll have a dark, dystopian fantasy where the powers of darkness and light battle in a war convoluted by the personal inadequacies and lusts of ordinary men, i.e., the experience of the modern Conservative government and an opposition that seems too divided and inadequate by half.

Winter is here, ruling at Downing Street, and it shows no sign of buggering off. May a magical power intervene soon.

 

Questions are being asked today over the Conservative Government’s governance of the NHS.

“What’s with the reference to genitalia with the Tories?” Health analyst, Mr Big Rooster-up wanted to know, “we had Jeremy Rhymes With and now we’ve little bright eyed Matt Handoncock? Of course the ‘on’ is silent in the pronounciation, but we all know it’s there. Are we going to get someone whose name is like Bottoms next? For trend and theme?”

Good questions indeed. But this vigorously healthy publication would rather be more highbrowed and focus on the rebranding of the health service.

“Oh, the change from Department of Health to Department for Stealth?”

Yea. A puzzling change that appears to have no medicinal value for the taxpayer at all.

”That’s easy to explain.”

Please do.

”Because it’s more fitting to the way the Tories are pursuing Health and Social Care. Since they were bafflingly returned to office, after Labour bafflingly refused coalition government with the baffled Liberal Democrats in 2010. They’ve been stealthily selling off the lot piece by piece. Now we’re all distracted by Brexit it can really ramp up a gear. Then once they make a success of delivering on the will of the people they can finish it off in a fire sale. It’s just sensible policy that benefits all.”

It’s a little premature isn’t it? Changing the name will just attract attention?

“Who’s going to call them out over it? They just privatised a blood delivery service to the tune of £14m, that a charity was doing perfectly adequately for free! Ha! What a laugh. The public is so stupid.”

I think the public is getting a little cranky over it.

“Oh? Well, the government better hurry up then and spend the health budget on preparing for another No Deal Brexit Theresa May will never do, just to try and blackmail MPs into voting for her deal.”

But who benefits from all this? It’s certainly not you and me.

“Speak for yourself. I’ve friends in government. Here, would you like to buy a knee reconstruction? It’s such a steal it’s perfectly free, when you take up my offer of an extended payment term on this health service loan to pay for it.”

My knees are perfectly fine, thank you very much.

“Well, why don’t you start saving for the day they won’t be.”

Because if I need help I’ll just go to the NHS. I’ve been paying into it all my working life.

“And you’ll still be paying into it, just like now, even when it’s no longer free…”

Britons, both global and local, are being ordered to rejoice today at confirmation of a slowing of the ageing process in the U.K.

“It’s a marvel,” a Downing Street aide to Theresa May told LCD Views, “if you look at the numbers we’ve produced, Britons, on average, have gotten younger. It’s really a youth surge! And better still there haven’t been any new voters coming of age since the overwhelming mandate delivered on the 23rd June all those years ago to Brexit.”

The statistics, released today to help combat perceptions that Brexit is predominately an old person’s game, and an old Tory one at that, will bring a lot of relief to people who worry their life is ticking away too fast.

“It will also reassure people who maybe wavering at the thought of how pissed off all those millions of young people are at the government. And what future that holds for the Conservative Party once it’s loose grip on power finally slips. Oh, and at the Official Opposition who also keep spouting the tired phrase, honour the result of the frauderendum and are doing their level best to help bring Brexit about too, against the wishes of people of all ages in their membership.”

Good news indeed. We presume the new numbers were produced with scientific accuracy?

“As accurate as Steve Baker explaining how to get around an electoral spending cap!”

That is vigorous.

“Yes. Not only will these better numbers alleviate the concerns young people have over demographic disenfranchisement, but they also help combat suggestions that continuing to honour the result of a corrupted referendum years ago, is now getting just a little bit silly and we should check what people think today,

“Oh, and a little bit disenfranchising due to all the people who voted Out who have died, and all the people who couldn’t vote who have since turned eighteen,

“Oh, and all the criminal activity that has come to light since. The foreign interference the government refuses to investigate,

“Oh, and the fact that every reason for Brexit has been shown to be complete and utter bollocks with no discernible advantage for anyone but tax dodging, inheritance millionaires and right wing, human hating bastards, curiously allied with far left ‘thinkers’. Hey! Some of those inheritance millionaires must be quite young!”

What will the government due to make sure everyone is aware that no one has turned eighteen since the 23rd June 2016? We think there’s a lot of misconception out there.

“We’ll shortly be spending millions across social media, and traditional media platforms, to let everyone know that anyone who claims to have turned eighteen since the EU referendum is lying.”

What about the people who have passed away since?

“They’re also lying. If you see any of them, you be sure to report them to the police.”

“OMFG! We can go on our usual summer holiday this year!” Millions of Britons have reacted spontaneously to the news that Theresa May has ground the petrified EU27 into yet another retreat in the face of No Deal Brexit, “and not the English Riviera.”

“Costa del Sol or South of France this summer?” asked married couples, co-habiting couples, civil unions, bunches of friends, threesomes, foursomes, fivesomes and consciously un-coupled pairings attempting to recouple, who have realised that Tinder doesn’t have all the answers, and of course for new couples who realised it did.

Expedia is said to be powering up additional servers just to cope with the waves of relief. People can take a break from an island riven with xenophobia and nationalist politics and go somewhere they actually recognise.

“Easyjet are breathing easier too,” our continental break analyst says, after moonlighting temporarily as an airline analyst, “although I only know that because it’s bloody obvious.”

Being able to go to that favoured hotel, villa or campsite may not solve Brexit, but it will help reinforce to millions that Brexit is a terrible idea.

“I keep drunkenly opening up Expedia in the evenings to book the standard summer fortnight and going, bloody Brexit! and then closing the browser,” one metropolitan bubble, avocado munching elite told us, “I really want to find myself at the bar with someone not from my suburb, but a funny regional accent, trying to work out if they’re a kipper or not, while happily drinking insane Spanish spirit measures and laughing at the kids.”

Go Britons! We’re not sponsored by the travel industry, but we still say go! But don’t blame us if Boris takes over the Tories next week and crashes us all out.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g3YiPC91QUk