Category: Governing the people

Fears that the cold hand of a dead premiership will be latched onto Downing Street for years to come today after PM Theresa ‘Maybe Maynot Maybot’ May declared she’s still staying to deliver Brexit, essentially declaring herself PM forever.

“And there’s not a god damn thing you can do about it,” the PM is believed to have told a meeting of the 1922 committee early this morning, “try as the completely rabid and derelict membership might.”

The meeting was an impromptu one held on the side of a cliff edge in Wales, where Ms May is holidaying over the Easter break, with senior members of the committee clinging to an uneven rock face like mountain goats.

It’s presumed Ms May hoped more than one would fall off, which given the advancing age of her party was highly probable.

”I’m here till October 31st,” May added, “because there’s Buckley’s chance of getting a deal through that salvages anything from the wreckage. This is because Corbyn wants wreckage to build a new world order on, bordered by England and powered by complete state control (got to leave the EU) to smash the temples of the moneylenders. I just want to stay in office. During October I will be applying for another extension to Article 50. And you just see if there’s enough of you left alive in December to do anything about me.”

She is believed then to have spent the rest of the meeting dragging herself lamely about repeating just one word, ‘brains’, a facility her government seems to be completely without.

We turned to our expert Doctor of politics for comment.

”The government is suffering from a condition known as Rigor Maytis,” Doctor Politics diagnosed, “it begins as a syndrome known as lame duckitis, and worsens from there. If it wasn’t for the fixed term parliament act making general elections harder to call, we probably would have cured ourselves by now.”

And whose idea was the fixed term parliament act again?

”David Cameron. The fffing muppet.”

Rumours are circulating within Downing Street that the prime minister Theresa May is terrified of Home Secretary Sajid Javid finding out that Vote Leave Broke The Law.

This follows Javid’s assertion that he could, in different circumstances, have been involved in knife crime. Instead, he has become embroiled in the biggest con the Cons have ever attempted.

Javid, it seems, is the-lights-are-on-but-there’s-nobody-Home Secretary in this respect. He still believes that Brexit is awfully lawful. And May wants things to stay that way. Ignorance is bliss, is the message coming from Number Ten. It never did Chris Grayling any harm.

LCD Views managed to speak to one of Downing Street’s Maybot programmers to get inside her AI chip.

“Her fear subroutine has been triggered,” said spokesgeek Ethan Ett-Cable. “This made her act irrationally. Her processors went into overdrive. This meant she had to make an emergency stop on the way to her Welsh holiday to download some dump files.”

Surely walking in the Welsh mountains is enough to calm anyone down?

“Yeah, but this is the Maybot,” remarked Ett-Cable. “She needs a factory reset. Fortunately Philip May knows which buttons to press.”

Meanwhile, Javid remained bullish. “Knife crime is very naughty indeed,” he explained to a group of hardened thugs in gangland. “I’m from Rochdale, so I know all about this sort of thing. We must be tough on knives, and tough on the causes of knives. To this end, I am proud to announce that, as a direct consequence of Brexit, all remaining knife factories in the UK will close down.”

This caused a ripple of interest in the room. Misinterpreting it as enthusiasm, Javid plunged on.

“We need more police and more prisons, to stop the problem after it has happened,” he claimed. “There is a fantastic opportunity for volunteer knife vigilantes to step up, and solve the problem we created when we slashed vital funding.”

The ripple was of genuine interest this time, as members of the audience saw themselves running the streets.

“We must fight knives with knives!” Javid concluded, to enormous acclaim.

You can take the boy out of Rochdale, but you can’t take Rochdale out of the boy.

https://www.theguardian.com/politics/2019/apr/15/sajid-javid-i-could-have-had-a-life-of-crime

BREAKING : LCD Views can reveal that the new series of Game of Thrones is coming under heavy fire from critics and viewers alike for a lack of imagination.

“Clearly the writers haven’t lived under Theresa May’s premiership,” any universal credit recipient, teacher, nurse, EU27 citizen in the UK, or just any voter said, “did they even bother to look across the pond to Blighty as they were story boarding this nonsense? The Ice King broke through the wall here years ago in the form of a flabby pig fancier.”

Even the political scheming in the famous television series has left people feeling half fed.

“There’s way more scheming in UK politics,” an avid fan scoffed, “even inside the individual factions that are supposed to be warring for the throne against each other. They’re doing more backstabbing and fighting against themselves.”

The unwelcome interruption of realism into the television show will lead to a surprising gain for an unexpected party however.

Our television critic had this to say :

“A double gin and tonic and don’t give me that look because it’s not even lunch time yet.”

They also addressed Game of Thrones.

“The ratings for the BBC parliament channel are already through the roof. The failure of the producers of G&T, I mean GoT, hic, excuse me…right. Oh my God. Did you put lime in Hendricks? I can’t even get a bloody slice of cucumber in here? The conditions I have to work under, I tell you, bloody appalling. Anyway, where were we?”

Game of Thrones…ffs….

“Ah yes. The producers of the Parliament channel have plans over the Easter break to jazz up old Bercow’s speaker’s chair and not with hands. The next time you hear him shouting ‘Orderrrrrrrrrr’ at the collection of white walkers, people of the forests, would be dragon slayers and multi-millionaire, career politician, pretend international socialists, he’ll be on a seat Sean Bean made famous. Rest in peace Sean, in every film and television show you ever star in, ever, amen.”

LCD Views would like to encourage the makers of Game of Thrones to try a little harder next time.

Basically take whatever batshit crazy nonsense is rattling around the heads of IDS and Rees-mogg and put some wings on it. Then you’ll have a dark, dystopian fantasy where the powers of darkness and light battle in a war convoluted by the personal inadequacies and lusts of ordinary men, i.e., the experience of the modern Conservative government and an opposition that seems too divided and inadequate by half.

Winter is here, ruling at Downing Street, and it shows no sign of buggering off. May a magical power intervene soon.

 

Questions are being asked today over the Conservative Government’s governance of the NHS.

“What’s with the reference to genitalia with the Tories?” Health analyst, Mr Big Rooster-up wanted to know, “we had Jeremy Rhymes With and now we’ve little bright eyed Matt Handoncock? Of course the ‘on’ is silent in the pronounciation, but we all know it’s there. Are we going to get someone whose name is like Bottoms next? For trend and theme?”

Good questions indeed. But this vigorously healthy publication would rather be more highbrowed and focus on the rebranding of the health service.

“Oh, the change from Department of Health to Department for Stealth?”

Yea. A puzzling change that appears to have no medicinal value for the taxpayer at all.

”That’s easy to explain.”

Please do.

”Because it’s more fitting to the way the Tories are pursuing Health and Social Care. Since they were bafflingly returned to office, after Labour bafflingly refused coalition government with the baffled Liberal Democrats in 2010. They’ve been stealthily selling off the lot piece by piece. Now we’re all distracted by Brexit it can really ramp up a gear. Then once they make a success of delivering on the will of the people they can finish it off in a fire sale. It’s just sensible policy that benefits all.”

It’s a little premature isn’t it? Changing the name will just attract attention?

“Who’s going to call them out over it? They just privatised a blood delivery service to the tune of £14m, that a charity was doing perfectly adequately for free! Ha! What a laugh. The public is so stupid.”

I think the public is getting a little cranky over it.

“Oh? Well, the government better hurry up then and spend the health budget on preparing for another No Deal Brexit Theresa May will never do, just to try and blackmail MPs into voting for her deal.”

But who benefits from all this? It’s certainly not you and me.

“Speak for yourself. I’ve friends in government. Here, would you like to buy a knee reconstruction? It’s such a steal it’s perfectly free, when you take up my offer of an extended payment term on this health service loan to pay for it.”

My knees are perfectly fine, thank you very much.

“Well, why don’t you start saving for the day they won’t be.”

Because if I need help I’ll just go to the NHS. I’ve been paying into it all my working life.

“And you’ll still be paying into it, just like now, even when it’s no longer free…”

Britons, both global and local, are being ordered to rejoice today at confirmation of a slowing of the ageing process in the U.K.

“It’s a marvel,” a Downing Street aide to Theresa May told LCD Views, “if you look at the numbers we’ve produced, Britons, on average, have gotten younger. It’s really a youth surge! And better still there haven’t been any new voters coming of age since the overwhelming mandate delivered on the 23rd June all those years ago to Brexit.”

The statistics, released today to help combat perceptions that Brexit is predominately an old person’s game, and an old Tory one at that, will bring a lot of relief to people who worry their life is ticking away too fast.

“It will also reassure people who maybe wavering at the thought of how pissed off all those millions of young people are at the government. And what future that holds for the Conservative Party once it’s loose grip on power finally slips. Oh, and at the Official Opposition who also keep spouting the tired phrase, honour the result of the frauderendum and are doing their level best to help bring Brexit about too, against the wishes of people of all ages in their membership.”

Good news indeed. We presume the new numbers were produced with scientific accuracy?

“As accurate as Steve Baker explaining how to get around an electoral spending cap!”

That is vigorous.

“Yes. Not only will these better numbers alleviate the concerns young people have over demographic disenfranchisement, but they also help combat suggestions that continuing to honour the result of a corrupted referendum years ago, is now getting just a little bit silly and we should check what people think today,

“Oh, and a little bit disenfranchising due to all the people who voted Out who have died, and all the people who couldn’t vote who have since turned eighteen,

“Oh, and all the criminal activity that has come to light since. The foreign interference the government refuses to investigate,

“Oh, and the fact that every reason for Brexit has been shown to be complete and utter bollocks with no discernible advantage for anyone but tax dodging, inheritance millionaires and right wing, human hating bastards, curiously allied with far left ‘thinkers’. Hey! Some of those inheritance millionaires must be quite young!”

What will the government due to make sure everyone is aware that no one has turned eighteen since the 23rd June 2016? We think there’s a lot of misconception out there.

“We’ll shortly be spending millions across social media, and traditional media platforms, to let everyone know that anyone who claims to have turned eighteen since the EU referendum is lying.”

What about the people who have passed away since?

“They’re also lying. If you see any of them, you be sure to report them to the police.”

“OMFG! We can go on our usual summer holiday this year!” Millions of Britons have reacted spontaneously to the news that Theresa May has ground the petrified EU27 into yet another retreat in the face of No Deal Brexit, “and not the English Riviera.”

“Costa del Sol or South of France this summer?” asked married couples, co-habiting couples, civil unions, bunches of friends, threesomes, foursomes, fivesomes and consciously un-coupled pairings attempting to recouple, who have realised that Tinder doesn’t have all the answers, and of course for new couples who realised it did.

Expedia is said to be powering up additional servers just to cope with the waves of relief. People can take a break from an island riven with xenophobia and nationalist politics and go somewhere they actually recognise.

“Easyjet are breathing easier too,” our continental break analyst says, after moonlighting temporarily as an airline analyst, “although I only know that because it’s bloody obvious.”

Being able to go to that favoured hotel, villa or campsite may not solve Brexit, but it will help reinforce to millions that Brexit is a terrible idea.

“I keep drunkenly opening up Expedia in the evenings to book the standard summer fortnight and going, bloody Brexit! and then closing the browser,” one metropolitan bubble, avocado munching elite told us, “I really want to find myself at the bar with someone not from my suburb, but a funny regional accent, trying to work out if they’re a kipper or not, while happily drinking insane Spanish spirit measures and laughing at the kids.”

Go Britons! We’re not sponsored by the travel industry, but we still say go! But don’t blame us if Boris takes over the Tories next week and crashes us all out.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g3YiPC91QUk

BREAKING : THERESA MAY is expected to be crowned prime minister of England, and the other places (she can’t list their names off the top of her head) for the term of all your natural lives this evening in Brussels, after she successfully demands an article 50 extension of fifty years from the EU27.

“The ERG are going to lose their collective shit,” our Brussels correspondent observes, “like, out of their minds, scat all over the walls like a monkey with a runny tummy. Because as much as they sound off, not one, I mean NO ONE, wants the job of prime minister until Brexit is delivered (like the screaming child of Satan clawing its way out of the underworld). Although I expect Corbyn will be chuffed. He gets to keep sitting on the fence, always looking like he’s about to do something, till he pops his clogs. Nice. Works for both sides.”

It works for the EU too?

“Of course, this way they’re not standing in the way of a member state leaving, but if the member state is always sat looking out the door like the proverbial cat, well, they win too. Even the break clause of forty years will be acceptable to all.”

We expect this may cause some dissent amongst the ageing, and physically dying, membership of the Conservative Party?

“So what? Pandering to their type is what got the Tory party into this mess to begin with. If they don’t do Brexit younger voters will naturally ignore an institutionally racist Home Office, food banks, homelessness, income inequality, a housing market skewed to the interests of kleptomaniacs from offshore, a shafted higher education system, a demolition of youth and social services leading to increases in crime, a pathetic train service, environmental vandalism in the form of fracking while renewables are discouraged, and all the other things, it’s rather a long list. Put Brexit on top of that and the Tories are stuffed, but without it? Who cares! They’ve a bright future. Well, May does anyway.”

Surely she needs a different title then? Because this won’t be a normal premiership, it’s more like a banana republic where a president refuses to stand down.

“President? Yeah, I think we can get royal assent for that. Just think, now that she’s pulled this off, some people will go from cradle to grave with May as PM, if she lives long enough. Even Thatcher couldn’t manage that!”

BREAKING : We have common ground! Global Britons are now united and can go forward arm in arm once more.

The common ground is not around what particular form of economic suicide via Brexit to go for, while throwing precious rights and protections guaranteed by international treaties into a shredder, but rather around a sense of outrage and bafflement when looking at Westminster.

“Seriously, how the f c u k did we get so many thick people elected to the lower chamber at one time?” the overwhelming majority of Global Britons asked.

It’s a good question. An important one that needs an answer and needs that answer acted on.

“The fixed term parliament act?”

“The MPs expenses scandal that led to a clear out of experienced, but grubby, hands in 2010?”

“The snap GE called in 2017 that didn’t allow sufficient time to vet new candidates and so any old packet of mince got a rosette stuck on it?”

“Alien overlords, bored of intergalactic space travel and taking selfies with supernovas decided to just hang out and mess about with the governance of a small group of islands off the north west coast of continental Europe?”

Shouldn’t they have better things to do!

Exactly how we got to this point will be answered, over the long term, but probably not by the collection of planks currently billing the public purse in the crumbling palace by the river.

“It’s becoming just a little bit embarrassing,” a Global Briton commented, “we make a really thick decision to do something really dumb on the world stage and then entrust a lot of really thick people to do it. I can’t show my face in public anymore. It’s cringe inducing.”

At least it’s not all lost. There is also a growing catalogue of very smart MPs starting to push back and take control. But in order to do it they’re having to fight a whole world of stupid.

LCD Views would like to encourage the sharp ones to keep going. We never wanted to live in the world’s first official Idiocracy and we’d appreciate bringing it to a stop.

LCD Views can report reliably that the UK is set to ask the EU for an exceptionally long extension to Article 50 in order to undertake a public inquiry.

“It’s not an inquiry into the criminality, sadly,” our law and order correspondent reports, “but into the snack bar expenses of Mark Francois. This is a result of over 16m people signing the petition calling for one.”

Calls for a public inquiry have been growing over time, most specifically into the criminality involved in the Leave campaigns, but so far the government is disinterested. This may, or may not, be related to the fact that serving Conservative MPs will just possibly be involved and sitting on hot seats.

“To be fair, you’ve got to start somewhere,” our correspondent says, “the eventual inquiry into all the crime will be massive. It will require a new government and the machinery of government will have to be well oiled by something other than graft. It’s thought the inquiry into how many bloody Mars Bars Francois has billed the taxpayer for will be good practice for the big one.”

LCD Views would like to commend the government for acting. For some it’s a little baffling when they see reports of well compensated members of parliament billing the taxpayer for petty sums, when they themselves wouldn’t bother attempting to hit their employer up for every single Malteser.

“Fair play to Mark,” our correspondent says, “you’ve got to get your snout in the trough when you’ve the chance. And if the money wasn’t going on his sweet tooth it’ll probably just be wasted on something trivial like a nurse.” 

We can report today from the stunning landscape of self-delusion on the state of the Conservative Party.

“It hates everyone,” our Tory party insider reveals.

We know that. We don’t make up figments of our imagination, and pretend they’re sources, to state the bleeding obvious. What else have you got?

“No. Wait. It hates everyone. That now includes itself. In fact it has so much self loathing now it’s so toxic it probably can’t survive being itself, which it hates, for much longer.”

Well that’s encouraging, given that until recently it’s specialised in just hating anyone that wasn’t it.

“Yes. It’s evolved as a party. Which is nice.”

But how has it arrived at the station of self loathing?

“Choo! Choo!”

Excuse me?

“The Hostile Environment Express.”

They’re on a train?

“Yes. And it’s called at every possible stop along the way. From racist immigration policies that have ruined the UK’s reputation abroad. From privatising every possible public service, merely to funnel public money into private pockets (anyone who thinks Grayling is a failure isn’t paying attention, he’s a runaway success). From running down the NHS in preparation to switch up from constant piecemeal privatisation to handing it lock stock to US private health care. From fracking in the grip of climate crisis. From punishing sick and poor people with insane DWP assessments. From…”

I think we can stop you there. There’s so many stops on the line and you haven’t even mentioned Brexit.

“Oh, that’s the final destination. That’s where the Hostile Environment engine explodes and takes everything with it.”

So let me get this straight, if the Hostile Environment Express doesn’t arrive at its final stop we can save the country and reverse back through all the stops on the line?

“We could. But what’s more important? Saving the country or saving the Tory Party?”

Don’t you mean the nasty party? To borrow a phrase from the current prime minister who, ironically enough, has fulfilled her earlier warning as prophecy?

“Everyone has to decide for themselves. But I’d suggest if we end up participating in the EU elections and it causes the Tory Party to destroy itself, they’ve only themselves to blame. Choo choo.”

I’ll stand at the nearest station and cheer that one along the line.

https://www.theguardian.com/politics/2019/apr/06/tory-mp-nadhim-zahawi-says-joining-in-eu-elections-would-be-conservative-party-suicide-note