Category: Governing the people

MAKING MONEY EXCLUSIVE : LCD VIEWS is proud to help launch FTN’s genius new second income smartphone app for MPs!

In order to do just that we’ve asked Feather The Nest’s CEO, Mr Monee Isfree, in for a cosy fireside chat.

”I like the flames!” Mr Monee begins our interview, “I see you’re using FTN’s digital fireside app to replicate the feeling everything in the office is homely and warm.”

We certainly are. The way your app turns a smartphone into a projector and covers the walls and ceilings in fire is pure genius. We can easily see how you’ve achieved unicorn status in the gig economy in only your first year. Until the rafters fall in we’re not going anywhere.

”Nice. But I see you haven’t downloaded the latest version, released five seconds ago, that adds marshmallows on sticks to the view.”

We’ll get right on that while you tell our fascinated voting public about FTN’s new genius smartphone app for MPs.

”Thank you for the opportunity.”

Our pleasure.

”At FTN we’re always on the lookout for ways to disrupt tired democracies.”

Nice.

”That’s why we developed Golden Goose, the new smartphone app just for serving, and recently retired, MPs.”

They need all the help they can get. Being an MP is a full time job!

”Just as it should be. But how to get that second, third or even fourth income you need to make sure you leave parliament so much richer for the experience?”

A pressing question. I’m sure the record number of foodbank users in employment and families below the poverty line would like to know.

”Oh, this isn’t for them. But this is a way to let a digital disruptor in the gig economy give an MP more time to vote for strengthening punishments on welfare recipients, to give them the encouragement they need to work harder and be what they always wanted to be.”

Just so special. So how does Golden Goose work?

”It’s as easy as 1,2,3. An MP simply installs the app on their smartphone or tablet, selects the party they’re a member of and asks FTN’s wizardry to align the MP with industry lobbyists they’re most sympathetic to.”

And after that the money just rolls in?

”Straight into a bank account, potentially hidden in a complex web of offshore holdings. But don’t ask me, I just design the GUI, all that is for the accountants.”

This is really something. So if I’m from a low income family, worried about escalating costs, worried if the NHS will be sold off wholesale by the time I retire, all I have to do is become an MP and I’m set? Brexit or no Brexit?”

”That’s it. Although sadly not all MPs will use our app, we’re pretty sure a lot will and the face of our democracy will continue to change to more closely resemble the painting of Dorian Grey hidden in that loft.”

That’s it! I’m off to put myself forward for selection before the next GE. Thanks a lot Mr Monee.

”Oh, don’t thank me, thank the company who will be happy to pay you potentially hundreds of thousands of pounds a year for just a few hours work a week.”

Lovely, money really is virtually free.

“But only if you’re an MP.”

TGIF : Tory MP Johnny Merciless is reportedly injured after a fight with a Bladerunner, who operates under the code name of Ian Hislop.

It seems the fracas occurred during a question and answer session designed to determine whether or not the Tory MP is a replicant, like most currently elected to parliament, or an actual human being concerned about the welfare of their most vulnerable constituents. We include in this EU27 citizens, given the MP’s voting record on legislation designed to make their lives living hell during Brexit.

https://www.theyworkforyou.com/mp/25367/johnny_mercer/plymouth%2C_moor_view/votes

“It was when Ian asked Merciless to tell him about his mother that things kicked off,” our synthetics analyst says, after viewing tape of the incident, “it quickly became a shooting war.”

Why the question so enraged the suspected replicant is not yet clear, but it’s believed the answer lies in the phrase ‘the mother of all parliaments’.

“Mother is believed to take a dim view of the activities of her current adopted darlings,” our analyst muses, “in particular the current craze amongst the kids to have second incomes that dwarf their salaries as MPs, but require a fraction of the time commitment, while overseeing austerity and the punishment of anyone they can identify who was born into less fortunate circumstances than the majority of the MPs.”

It’s actually thought that the system for registering income earned additional to parliament’s salary should now be recorded as many MPs first salary, given the disparity in size to the MP one. Could this lead to a conflict of interests? It’s a pressing question that needs addressing.

“While I don’t know the ins and outs of the Johnny Merciless case, so I’m not commenting on that specifically, a general question needs to be asked whether or not massive second incomes are fit and proper for serving MPs? Because of the potential they create for distraction from the MP’s full time job as a representative of the people?”

https://www.google.co.uk/amp/s/m.huffingtonpost.co.uk/amp/entry/ian-hislop-johnny-mercer-have-i-got-news-for-you_uk_5cc46813e4b08e4e3482aa9e/

The Bladerunner in question seems to have emerged from the tussle less wounded. Johnny Merciless has been returned to the Tyrell Corporation for repairs and it’s assumed will shortly be back in business.

 

The latest addition to the political party scene has proved to be an instant hit. The Great British Cuppa Party (GBCP) has attracted voters from across the spectrum.

“I expect Nigel Farage is a bit put out,” said Betty Spysztov, GBCP founder. “Everyone at the WI and the Mothers’ Union was saying to me, I’m sick of politics, I would rather have a nice cup of tea. So the GBCP was born, and people with Brexit Fatigue have flocked to us in droves.”

This is despite having no funding, no policies and no manifesto. “It worked for Nigel,” observed Spysztov wryly.

Candidates are standing, or more often sitting, in every region. Armed with nothing more than a China tea set, a table and a set of dining room chairs, some of the more progressive candidates are also offering cake.

Nigel Farage has tried to emulate this naked populism by launching his very own Beer And Fags Party, but ran into difficulties. “We had a large take-up initially,” Farage grumbled. “But then our members’ wives told them not to be so silly, they drink too much anyway, and to have a nice cup of tea, and a slice of Battenburg, and not to argue. I had to cancel the piss-up in the brewery.”

But the GBCP has already run into difficulties. “Coffee drinkers have felt disenfranchised,” explained Spysztov. “And factions have developed. We have an Earl Grey splinter group, who are really hardcore. Already the milk-firsters and the tea-firsters are barely on speaking terms. There are purists who argue that we shouldn’t serve cake at all, although some permit biscuits, just not Jaffa Cakes. And don’t get me started on whether ‘scone’ should be pronounced ‘scone’ or ‘scone’!”

Despite all this, the GBCP is polling consistently around the 42% mark, enough to give Brussels a decent tea break during the next parliament.

Tea Leaves means Tea Leaves. Pop the kettle on, brew up, slice the cake. We’re off to Brussels.

BREAKING : The UK’s transport infrastructure is without leadership today after the man responsible for making sure the trains don’t run on time, Chris Grayling, was rushed to A&E, believed to be suffering from acute fatigue.

It’s thought the breaking point was getting interim leader of Change UK+TIG+CHUK, Heidi Allen, to not only have multiple names for one new brand, as well as a logo that looks like a draft plan for a zebra crossing, but to also put the kiss of death into their electoral chances in the upcoming European parliament elections by suggesting a ‘clean Brexit’ should be on any confirmatory referendum.

https://www.theneweuropean.co.uk/top-stories/heidi-allen-interview-in-the-house-magazine-1-6018710

“Shortly before dawn emergency services in Surrey were called to a private address after reports of a middle aged male in clown shoes collapsing,” a source inside Ashtead A&E claimed to have told LCD Views, “it’s believed he reached breaking point trying to devise a new campaign leaflet for Labour after hitting a home run with the PV free first one.”

https://www.politicshome.com/news/uk/political-parties/labour-party/news/103454/anger-labour-european-election-leaflets-fail

It’s not known how serious the man’s condition is, but our sources say medics are confident that after connecting him to an IV line, connected to a spinning bowtie that spurts water, he should recharge.

“It takes immense mental strength to ruin three electoral campaigns consecutively,” our source added, “and run them into the ground at the same time. Getting to the point where local Conservative activists refuse to campaign for the party was achievement enough. The Labour leaflet fiasco and then the massive work done for Change UK, well, anyone would be out of steam.”

https://www.theguardian.com/politics/2019/apr/19/tory-councillors-refuse-to-campaign-for-next-months-eu-elections

The individual concerned is expected to be kept under observation over the weekend, with a red nose firmly attached to lift his spirits in the hope he will make a full recovery.

“As long as sufficient sources of slapstick and clowning are kept in his environment he’ll be back on his feet and ready to lend the LibDems and Greens a hand, should they be foolish enough to reach out for one in the coming weeks.”

We wish the man concerned a slow recovery. He’s done enough for the country already. He should be allowed to rest.

Formerly fluffy headed buffoon Boris Johnson has apparently given up on ever leading the Conservative Party. Instead he has set his sights on leading the ERG.

Out will go the staid leadership of Jacob Rees-Mogg. In will come a group fashioned in Boris’ own image. No more European Research, as Boris never did any anyway. Instead, it will become the BOris Rules! Group, or BORG for short.

The BORG will then attempt a takeover of the whole of Parliament. This will happen by assimilation, as entire factions succumb to the charm of the straw-headed straw man. The BORG collective will absorb all knowledge, and become immune to all opposition.

This will greatly assist some of the current ERG’s lesser lights. Suddenly, mutton-headed gammonistas like Mark Francois and Andrew Bridgen will instead become drones. They will drone on and on, but be in possession of the hive mind. Loss of individuality and the necessity to recharge the batteries at regular intervals will be small inconveniences.

Other changes will occur. Instead of Rees-Mogg’s schoolboy Latin, BORG drones will spout cod Shakespeare, and waffle and stammer in an endearing fashion. The clowning will conceal a burning ambition to rule the Delta Quadrant, and conquer the Klingons, the Ferengi, and the Kardashians.

But the biggest target of the BORG will be the Federation, otherwise known as the EU. The BORG’s mission statement reads, ‘This is the EU of our discontent’. It is prepared to refight the Battle of Bosworth every year until the right side wins. The BORG will absorb the defection that cost the King the battle, so that treachery becomes the norm.

“A whore, a whore!” they will cry. “My constituency for a whore!”

The BORG King himself will sit at the centre of the web, pulling the strings, while dashing off another load of guff for The Telegraph. He will then unwind with a stiff brandy and a voluptuous secretary.

It will be a Titanic success. Unless it hits an iceBORG…

LCD Views can exclusively report today that little known digital television channel, Channel 4, is to premiere an expose which reveals that the entirety of British politics has been faked since 23/06/16.

“That’s actually fake news right there,” a producer at the up and coming channel told us, “the fakery really started after the Conservative victory in the 2015 GE and the passing of referendum legislation that in hindsight was clearly designed for gerrymandering and hijacking if even a narrow victory in a so called advisory poll was achieved. Oh, achieved through criminality and foreign interference by dark money and mass social media manipulation.”

But why haven’t the government acted to expose all that?

”You mean the government that’s attempting to profit from it?”

Oh. What about the official opposition? They must be bloody furious about the faking of an entire parliament just pretending to govern in the national interest?”

“You mean the ‘we respect the result of the referendum’ official opposition striving for a Brexit that um, ah, protects workers’ rights, jobs and investment?”

Are you accusing them of being in on it too? If that’s the case you should bog off and join the Tories!

”That’s a vote winning electoral strategy. Especially if you’re faking your opposition to government policy while supporting the delivery of it in principle.”

Well, at least the cross party talks on a Brexit compromise show an end to the farce. That’s mature politics.

”You’re talking about May and Corbyn sitting down to agree a deal that will destroy both of them if they do?”

Oh. We’re fcuk’d aren’t we?

”No. We have to get out and vote. First at the local elections in May. Then at the European Parliament elections late May. Then at the GE in August and finally at the confirmatory ballot on Brexit in early October.”

But who should we vote for?

”Anyone who isn’t lying through their teeth.”

Short list then!

”Currently, but if people vote for the honest brokers the list will lengthen every day.”

Fears that the cold hand of a dead premiership will be latched onto Downing Street for years to come today after PM Theresa ‘Maybe Maynot Maybot’ May declared she’s still staying to deliver Brexit, essentially declaring herself PM forever.

“And there’s not a god damn thing you can do about it,” the PM is believed to have told a meeting of the 1922 committee early this morning, “try as the completely rabid and derelict membership might.”

The meeting was an impromptu one held on the side of a cliff edge in Wales, where Ms May is holidaying over the Easter break, with senior members of the committee clinging to an uneven rock face like mountain goats.

It’s presumed Ms May hoped more than one would fall off, which given the advancing age of her party was highly probable.

”I’m here till October 31st,” May added, “because there’s Buckley’s chance of getting a deal through that salvages anything from the wreckage. This is because Corbyn wants wreckage to build a new world order on, bordered by England and powered by complete state control (got to leave the EU) to smash the temples of the moneylenders. I just want to stay in office. During October I will be applying for another extension to Article 50. And you just see if there’s enough of you left alive in December to do anything about me.”

She is believed then to have spent the rest of the meeting dragging herself lamely about repeating just one word, ‘brains’, a facility her government seems to be completely without.

We turned to our expert Doctor of politics for comment.

”The government is suffering from a condition known as Rigor Maytis,” Doctor Politics diagnosed, “it begins as a syndrome known as lame duckitis, and worsens from there. If it wasn’t for the fixed term parliament act making general elections harder to call, we probably would have cured ourselves by now.”

And whose idea was the fixed term parliament act again?

”David Cameron. The fffing muppet.”

Rumours are circulating within Downing Street that the prime minister Theresa May is terrified of Home Secretary Sajid Javid finding out that Vote Leave Broke The Law.

This follows Javid’s assertion that he could, in different circumstances, have been involved in knife crime. Instead, he has become embroiled in the biggest con the Cons have ever attempted.

Javid, it seems, is the-lights-are-on-but-there’s-nobody-Home Secretary in this respect. He still believes that Brexit is awfully lawful. And May wants things to stay that way. Ignorance is bliss, is the message coming from Number Ten. It never did Chris Grayling any harm.

LCD Views managed to speak to one of Downing Street’s Maybot programmers to get inside her AI chip.

“Her fear subroutine has been triggered,” said spokesgeek Ethan Ett-Cable. “This made her act irrationally. Her processors went into overdrive. This meant she had to make an emergency stop on the way to her Welsh holiday to download some dump files.”

Surely walking in the Welsh mountains is enough to calm anyone down?

“Yeah, but this is the Maybot,” remarked Ett-Cable. “She needs a factory reset. Fortunately Philip May knows which buttons to press.”

Meanwhile, Javid remained bullish. “Knife crime is very naughty indeed,” he explained to a group of hardened thugs in gangland. “I’m from Rochdale, so I know all about this sort of thing. We must be tough on knives, and tough on the causes of knives. To this end, I am proud to announce that, as a direct consequence of Brexit, all remaining knife factories in the UK will close down.”

This caused a ripple of interest in the room. Misinterpreting it as enthusiasm, Javid plunged on.

“We need more police and more prisons, to stop the problem after it has happened,” he claimed. “There is a fantastic opportunity for volunteer knife vigilantes to step up, and solve the problem we created when we slashed vital funding.”

The ripple was of genuine interest this time, as members of the audience saw themselves running the streets.

“We must fight knives with knives!” Javid concluded, to enormous acclaim.

You can take the boy out of Rochdale, but you can’t take Rochdale out of the boy.

https://www.theguardian.com/politics/2019/apr/15/sajid-javid-i-could-have-had-a-life-of-crime

BREAKING : LCD Views can reveal that the new series of Game of Thrones is coming under heavy fire from critics and viewers alike for a lack of imagination.

“Clearly the writers haven’t lived under Theresa May’s premiership,” any universal credit recipient, teacher, nurse, EU27 citizen in the UK, or just any voter said, “did they even bother to look across the pond to Blighty as they were story boarding this nonsense? The Ice King broke through the wall here years ago in the form of a flabby pig fancier.”

Even the political scheming in the famous television series has left people feeling half fed.

“There’s way more scheming in UK politics,” an avid fan scoffed, “even inside the individual factions that are supposed to be warring for the throne against each other. They’re doing more backstabbing and fighting against themselves.”

The unwelcome interruption of realism into the television show will lead to a surprising gain for an unexpected party however.

Our television critic had this to say :

“A double gin and tonic and don’t give me that look because it’s not even lunch time yet.”

They also addressed Game of Thrones.

“The ratings for the BBC parliament channel are already through the roof. The failure of the producers of G&T, I mean GoT, hic, excuse me…right. Oh my God. Did you put lime in Hendricks? I can’t even get a bloody slice of cucumber in here? The conditions I have to work under, I tell you, bloody appalling. Anyway, where were we?”

Game of Thrones…ffs….

“Ah yes. The producers of the Parliament channel have plans over the Easter break to jazz up old Bercow’s speaker’s chair and not with hands. The next time you hear him shouting ‘Orderrrrrrrrrr’ at the collection of white walkers, people of the forests, would be dragon slayers and multi-millionaire, career politician, pretend international socialists, he’ll be on a seat Sean Bean made famous. Rest in peace Sean, in every film and television show you ever star in, ever, amen.”

LCD Views would like to encourage the makers of Game of Thrones to try a little harder next time.

Basically take whatever batshit crazy nonsense is rattling around the heads of IDS and Rees-mogg and put some wings on it. Then you’ll have a dark, dystopian fantasy where the powers of darkness and light battle in a war convoluted by the personal inadequacies and lusts of ordinary men, i.e., the experience of the modern Conservative government and an opposition that seems too divided and inadequate by half.

Winter is here, ruling at Downing Street, and it shows no sign of buggering off. May a magical power intervene soon.

 

Questions are being asked today over the Conservative Government’s governance of the NHS.

“What’s with the reference to genitalia with the Tories?” Health analyst, Mr Big Rooster-up wanted to know, “we had Jeremy Rhymes With and now we’ve little bright eyed Matt Handoncock? Of course the ‘on’ is silent in the pronounciation, but we all know it’s there. Are we going to get someone whose name is like Bottoms next? For trend and theme?”

Good questions indeed. But this vigorously healthy publication would rather be more highbrowed and focus on the rebranding of the health service.

“Oh, the change from Department of Health to Department for Stealth?”

Yea. A puzzling change that appears to have no medicinal value for the taxpayer at all.

”That’s easy to explain.”

Please do.

”Because it’s more fitting to the way the Tories are pursuing Health and Social Care. Since they were bafflingly returned to office, after Labour bafflingly refused coalition government with the baffled Liberal Democrats in 2010. They’ve been stealthily selling off the lot piece by piece. Now we’re all distracted by Brexit it can really ramp up a gear. Then once they make a success of delivering on the will of the people they can finish it off in a fire sale. It’s just sensible policy that benefits all.”

It’s a little premature isn’t it? Changing the name will just attract attention?

“Who’s going to call them out over it? They just privatised a blood delivery service to the tune of £14m, that a charity was doing perfectly adequately for free! Ha! What a laugh. The public is so stupid.”

I think the public is getting a little cranky over it.

“Oh? Well, the government better hurry up then and spend the health budget on preparing for another No Deal Brexit Theresa May will never do, just to try and blackmail MPs into voting for her deal.”

But who benefits from all this? It’s certainly not you and me.

“Speak for yourself. I’ve friends in government. Here, would you like to buy a knee reconstruction? It’s such a steal it’s perfectly free, when you take up my offer of an extended payment term on this health service loan to pay for it.”

My knees are perfectly fine, thank you very much.

“Well, why don’t you start saving for the day they won’t be.”

Because if I need help I’ll just go to the NHS. I’ve been paying into it all my working life.

“And you’ll still be paying into it, just like now, even when it’s no longer free…”