Category: Governing the people

The UK’s triumphant Eurovision result has been taken, equally triumphantly, as an encouraging sign. Theresa May announced that it meant that she had to get on with it and deliver Brexit.

“The People have spoken,” recited May. “Indeed, Europe has spoken. Brexit must be done, and done as soon as possible. Then we can get back to the important business of winning song competitions.”

It’s hard to argue with her analysis. The UK’s 16 whole points is far better than the usual nul points.

However, closet examination reveals that the UK actually finished bottom of the leaderboard. “That’s not a bad thing!” argued government sycophant Rose Tinted. “It means we are the strongest nation, because we are holding all the others up!”

Tinted hinted that furious discussions were going on behind closed doors. May and Corbyn are locked in talks to agree what the UK entry for 2020 should be. May wants The Only Way Is Up, while Corbyn thinks Things Can Only Get Better is better. Unfortunately, neither Yazz nor Professor Brian Cox can be persuaded to come out of retirement, and Yazz’s band, the Plastic Population, has been recycled.

The result has further implications. David Davis argues that the result will make German car makers force Angela Merkel to change the outcome.

Chris Grayling is still wondering why, for a song contest, the word ‘vision’ is needed. “It’s a real head scratcher,” he admits, scratching his arm. “After all, you can’t see a song, can you? It’s all so difficult, so the sooner we leave the EU the better.”

Dominic Raab is busy searching for Eurovision on a map. “I know it’s here somewhere!” he exclaims, a London A-Z open in front of him. “Isn’t that near Eurotunnel? Ah! Stratford! Shakespeare’s birthplace! That’s up north somewhere, isn’t it?”

But what is to happen about Brexit? The question is left hanging. Like a Puppet on a String.

The Tories have finally, and reluctantly, joined the race to the EU election. They are so reluctant to run, that they have forgotten their running shoes, and left their kit behind on the big red bus.

Naturally, some are trying to spin this as a positive. “We only lost 1300 seats in the local elections!” gushed activist Rab Idwright-Winger. “We will lose far fewer in the forthcoming EU election.”

This is undoubtedly true. There are only 18 Tory MEPs, and the challenge is for all of them to lose their seat.

Idwright-Winger had some insight into this challenge. “There’s no chance of winning,” he admitted. “Since we have only just conceded that there will have to be an election. This is the fault of Labour for failing to capitulate to our demands to get Brexit sorted this week.”

Meanwhile the Brexit Party is in pole position, leading poll after poll. “Farage’s mob are the only ones still promising a unicorn for every family,” grumbled Idwright-Winger. “People are still falling for it, which is why we haven’t ditched Brexit, nor will we ever until power is wrenched from our cold, dead hands. The Brexit Party is a personality cult, and Farage himself is a complete cult!”

We may not have heard that last word correctly.

What do The People say? Do they want Tory MEPs or not? “I couldn’t give a toss,” said one of The People, Manny Zaniland. “Every man is an island, which sounds good but I haven’t got a clue what it means. I just want my unicorn, and I’m prepared to get very cross about it indeed coz foreigners.”

Interesting analysis there.

So it looks like the Conservative Unionist Nazi Tendency party is going to lose out to the real Nazis. They are letting Farage in by the back door, which must be a pain in the arse.

People of the UK, vote with your feet. No, actually, use the little pencil on a string.

WE’VE ALL BEEN THERE: There are credible reports this afternoon that the joint Tory Labour Party talks have broken down. This without finding a way to deliver baby Brexit.

Do not expect sources from either party to suggest that the problem was Brexit, but rather they’ll blame one another, as agreed, at the start of the talks.

“It was a time wasting exercise,” our political correspondent reports, “both party leaderships decided the most fruitful way to deal with the unsolvable issue of Brexit was to waste more time. That’s the only way to deal with Brexit. Just keep wasting time and hope WW3 breaks out in the interim and means you can finally ignore it.”

But a non-partisan source revealed that’s not right at all.

“They agreed on a lot very quickly, within the opening minutes,” the source is certain, “they agreed they both wanted to respect the will of the people, regardless of how narrow the result, how dumb the question or the evidence of illegality in the advisory referendum campaign,

“They agreed that they both had deep seated ideological reasons for wanting out of the EU, regardless of the endless evidence of harm to real people’s lives.  Or indeed what it will mean to be an isolated country in the 21st century world of regional power blocs,

“And they agreed that they needed to just give the people enough time to get bored with it all and give up and let them do it. Just to make it go away. It was all very easy.”

So what was the problem?

“They decided they had to make it look difficult. So they decided to spend several weeks binging on shows on Netflix. That’s when the disagreement started.”

Why?

“Theresa wanted to search for ‘Will of the People’, but Jeremy was adamant they should watch ‘Battleship Potemkin’ followed by ‘I Am Cuba’. But Theresa couldn’t think of a second film she wanted to watch. Without a balance they couldn’t agree to swap favourite films. So they then spent the next six weeks trawling through Netflix, watching previews, before giving it up in despair.”

Makes sense. We’ve all been there.

Theresa May, Prime Minister for Exiting 10 Downing Street, has announced her intention to step down. Many complex factors are at play, so she has asked Northern Rail to organise a timetable.

“Who better than a railway company?” says chronology expert Minnie Tanned. “They have to be able to make very big metal things roll along metal tracks without bumping into anything, and other complicated shit.”

But why Northern, when other franchises manage to avoid train crashes most days?

“Northern has a reputation for being flexible,” replies Tanned. “They are proactive and only run a train when it feels right to do so. Their timetables are advisory only.”

This sounds a perfect fit for the PM in name only. “Let me be entirely clear about this,” she grated. “I will step down when my Brexit deal is approved by Parliament, or when it isn’t. This will certainly be before, during, or after the current Parliamentary session.”

The two seem a perfect fit. May’s departure has been announced to the expectant public many times, only for it to be cancelled at the last minute due to ‘technical reasons’. Just like a Northern train.

This cosy arrangement has landed Transport Secretary Chris Grayling in hot water again. Other train operators are demanding compensation from the government because Grayling forgot to consider other options.

“I’m not even sure what a train is,” clarified a harrassed-sounding Grayling over a crackly phone line. “Isn’t it part of a wedding dress? I will be able to elaborate when I reach the office, but I’m having trouble following my map. Oooh! There’s Bavaria! That’s a posh bit of London, isn’t it?”

It’s reassuring to know that the process is in safe hands.

It is widely believed that fascists, whatever their faults, make the trains run on time. Thankfully, Northern Rail has completely failed the Fascism Test, so Nazis won’t be taking over any time soon.

TWIDDLING THUMBS : Fantastic news for anyone concerned about the ongoing governance of the United Kingdom today. Firstly, there really isn’t any, but secondly that’s because everything is now fine.

To celebrate the people who used to do stuff in the Palace of Westminster have decided to replace the lower house of parliament with a popular social media GIF.

“Bercow will still be in his chair though,” our parliamentary correspondent reports, “because he’s a smash hit. He’s the top rated programme on the BBC’s parliament channel. Mostly because he seemed to be about the only person capable of getting anything done in the house, before they realised everything was now fine.”

And there’s no need to worry about MPs suddenly getting deluged with constituency work, because everything is now fine.

“It only took nine years to turn the UK into a total basket case,” a Tory source told us, “but we’ve done it. We’ve earned our rest. We’re going to concentrate on our leadership contest now. We need a renewed vision for the future. Someone to oversee the inevitable breakdown of the actual union of the United Kingdom, now that everything is fine.”

But not everyone is happy that everything is fine.

“There’s always a few killjoys,” the Tory source shrugs, “sticks in the mud. Glass half empty types. I wouldn’t pay them any heed.”

Anyone else who may have a furrowed brow at the news parliament is now just a GIF which repeats itself constantly should consider, if this is what just deciding to do Brexit has done to parliament, before it’s even happened, imagine what it’s going to be like if the crazed bastards ever actually begin the diabolical, far right project?

To celebrate we’ve added a link below to a page just full of reassuring GIFs communicating the message that this is fine.

https://tenor.com/search/this-is-fine-gifs

Airtime is vital, ask any advertiser. Any publicity is good, even if you are a dodgy secondhand car salesman. Or leader of a populist movement.

The man, whose initials are coincidentally the same as the proto-Nazi National Front, has had another meltdown. This happened during his regular slot as a guest on the Andrew Marr Show. The minute he was gently challenged, he launched into a perfectly scripted rant about how his airtime was being restricted. Live on national TV.

The man, who hates Europe but has a French name and secured German passports for his kids, is lying through his teeth and knows it. Once a salesman, always a salesman, he will say anything to close a deal. Put simply, he is selling himself, and using Brexit as his overpriced and unreliable vehicle.

The man of the people, who rubs shoulders with the likes of Donald Trump and has a chauffeur-driven car, feels his influence is diminished. He will not be satisfied until a news crew follows him around 24 hours a day, with interviewers telling him how wonderful he is. His ego could fill Trump Tower, and his tongue could fill Trump’s backside.

The man, who is prone to crashing aeroplanes, cars and economies, works so hard that he wants to be an MP as well as an MEP. His definition of ‘work’ starts and finishes with his election. Draw your salary, insult your employer, and return to public acclaim. If he is eighth time lucky, don’t expect him to fight your corner in Parliament, either at home or in the EU. The only corner he fights is his own.

The man, who has his own radio chat show broadcast five times a week, feels his message is not getting across. His almost permanent Question Time seat, his work for US network Fox News, and regular appearances across the mass media, are insufficient to whet his appetite. Either he has a whole bag of chips on his shoulder, or else he is a truly cheap, shameless, two-bit media whore.

It’s all a load of hot airtime.

WORK EXPERIENCE : Exciting news today that Theresa May and Jeremy Corbyn have negotiated a one week job swap.

Under the terms of the arrangement, which are being hammered out at the moment by Starmer and Liddington, the LOTO and the PM will do each other’s jobs for six days, and rest on the seventh, before resuming their usual roles.

”It’s so Jeremy gets a chance to deliver Brexit,” a Labour source revealed, “and May gets to feel the worship of a proper, banging cult.”

How the swap will change the dynamics of parliament isn’t clear, as it will happen during the one week recess at the end of May.

”Jeremy didn’t want to be faced with making any actual decisions and neither did Theresa,” the source goes on, “but as neither are actually that interested in what parliament thinks, it won’t be problematic.”

There is a concern that the deal will accelerate capital flight out of the United Kingdom, but as both leaders are Brexiters, and as the Tories are now a party of ‘f*ck business’ too, most are sanguine about that especially impact.

”Jeremy will make sure the Islington North bus services are sorted out, that’s fod sure,” the source adds, “and he may even launch a land invasion of the Crimea as a cover so his advisor can met some friends face to face, before negotiating an orderly withdrawal.”

Expectations the week will see a revitalised NHS have been downplayed though, as both leaders are committed to ending FOM and so happy to shit all over the EU27 workers.

”The only real risk I perceive is May refusing to take her old job back,” the source adds, “as running a party that doesn’t completely hate your guts is going to be a giddy, one off experience.”

TWIDDLING THUMBS : Daily now the rumours, and sometimes outright calls, from the (lunatics) Conservative Party to change the leadership mount and grow. But why? We had to find out why.

So we asked.

”It’s because we’re bored,” Mike Brady, stepfather of the party and chairman of the 1622 committee (it attempts to keep the monsters in the party’s many basements) tells, “we’ve ticked off the to do list. Name one thing we haven’t completely taken care of in the last nine years?”

Poverty and wealth inequality?

”Massively increased to almost revolution causing levels. We better enjoy the warm glow of wealth transfer for a bit and hold it there.”

Climate Change?

”We’ve started fracking and cut support for renewables wherever possible. We can’t do much more without political kickback. Right now the kids are still with us. But let’s not push our luck.”

Housing?

”We’ve a nation of landlords. Millions spend the majority of their pay packets just keeping a roof over their heads. This will do until we privatise the NHS and start forcing people to sell their homes or live in squats to pay for care.”

Badgers?

”Shot most. If you see one tell me.”

International reputation?

”Everyone sees us in a new light now. First Boris now Jeremy, I mean, what more? See, you could go on and talk about the probation service and alcohol and drug rehab and school funding, but what’s the point?”

Brexit! Gotcha!

”What do you mean? The Labour Party leadership has infected itself. It’s got political Ebola now too. Dust me hands off me love, my work is done. Can I go now?”

Where to?

”I’ve got to put my feet up and decide if I’m running for party leader before a leadership contest is called too. Bit of premature political spaffulation never did anyone any harm.”

Mr Brady thank you for your time and good luck in the leadership contest. After all, it does really seem like your party’s work under first Cameron, and now May, is done.

POUNDSTORE DRUMPFS: The Tories are set to regain their reputation for strong and stable governance shortly if the plan to swap the woman fiddling while Rome burns for a clown with a bus and a megaphone comes off.

”This won’t do anything to fight the fire,” backbench Tory MP, Mr Dee Saster, told LCD Views, “fires are quite profitable if you’ve positioned yourself properly in advance, before starting them.”

The move to replace the Brexit patsy with a proper boofhead will be welcomed by many in the membership who long ceased to be functionally sane.

”We have to help build America’s empire,” the backbencher added, “now is the time for the useless idiots to strike!”

Quite how they’ll remove the incumbent PM isn’t clear, but it’s believed to involve a change to the rules of the party. This will allow them to vote again, because some now believe they made a mistake the first time. Clearly not an option that should be available to the hoi polloi.

”If we can just get that bloody woman out of Downing Street everything will be fine,” the MP went on, “old Junker won’t know what hit him when Boris swans into Brussels and lays a word salad or two on him. Backstop? What backstop? Who are the Irish again? Victory is certain.”

Queries about how functionally democratic such an event would be, with about 0.000000001% of the UK’s voters involved in it, have been dismissed.

”Haven’t the people heard they had a vote on all this years ago. It would be a travesty of the democratic process to let them vote again. They should get themselves some marshmallows and toast them on the flames.”

Sound advice.

”Yes. Just let me go long on marsh and mallows first, then enjoy the song.”

Mainstream politicians from both major parties are insisting that they are listening to the people. But, unlike the opinion of the people, their message is unchanged. Critics claim that this is a case of Institutional Deafness.

What is Institutional Deafness? LCD’s Hear No Evil correspondent went to find out.

“Institutional Deafness is becoming endemic,” claimed political expert Anna List. “It is the phenomenon of listening, then wilfully misinterpreting what has been said. It tends to affect public figures of low intelligence and few morals.”

Is it catching?

“Institutional deafness is highly contagious,” replied List. “Major hospitals across the country have put their ear departments on red alert. I fear that many of our leading politicians have already been infected.”

“That’s nonsense,” countered Con Party spokesman Livid Dadlington. “Brexit means Brexit, the people have spoken, anyone voting against Brexit has been betrayed by the betrayal narratives and is to be pitied. So we lost a few local councillors, who gives a shit? All the more reason to plough on with it!”

“I have to agree with Livid,” agreed Garry Bardiner, of the Labouring Under A Misapprehension Party. “It is our duty to help get this Con Brexit over the line, even though we know it’s selling the country down the river. The people are much too well informed now. Ignorance is bliss, as they say.”

The message is clear. A vote for either of the mainstream parties is a vote for Brexit. Therefore, voting for neither is also a vote for Brexit.

The People’s Vote people have packed it in, because a vote against Brexit is now revealed to be a vote to bloody well get on with it.

Meanwhile, the zombie that is Brexit lumbers on, a policy in search of a purpose, like an elephant who has been told to get a room.

The search is on for an enormous wooden stake, and somebody brave enough to wield it.