Category: Global Britain

LCD Views can report this morning that the people of the United Kingdom are being put to shame by chaps from overseas, after the revelation that a crowdfunding drive for a humble Mayfair crash pad has so far only attracted donations in roubles.

“This is why I mostly put my modest savings in Russian banks,” the man told us, “they’re oligenerous. The lack of a robust rule of law is very attractive too, some may say, but I wouldn’t of course. Please do stop asking why I invest sod all in the U.K. when I’m supposedly such a champion of the place! It makes my eyes water.”

We won’t ask the hard questions. Just let you have all the exposure and will to power you want, regardless of your only qualification being a silver spoon.

”Let’s not talk about my £5M Westminster crash pad either. Let’s talk about how I was denied my favoured locale. How I’m struggling to right the wrong.”

Yes, it seems the poor fellow was allegedly forced to start the crowdfunding drive after his attempts to buy a property in Mayfair failed and he had to go for the aforementioned shabby 18th century townhouse in the Westminster slums.

“It’s not on,” he says, “this is supposed to be 19th century Britain and here I am struggling to find an affordable home for my growing family.”

People who are enquiring why he seems to have so much support from overseas are just adding unnecessarily to his troubles.

“I find the best interest rates on my paltry savings is to be found in sanctioned Russian banks,” he shrugs, “I’m also probably something of a useful idiot for certain creative people who know which buttons to push.”

Is greed a good one to push?

“Oh yes, most certainly, and avarice and actually envy.”

Nice to know. So what target do you need to hit to be able to move to Mayfair?

“Oh, it’s all a bit of a distraction really. It’s a fine line between emanating enough old world ruling class spirit to get the great unwashed to tug the forelock unthinkingly, to giving off a vapour which suffocates not only those about but my own vested interests.”

Where are those interests vested again?

“Not in Mayfair, sadly.”

Where?

“Russia and other ’emerging markets’,” the man answered, “anywhere but the UK, far too many laws and regulations you see?”

We do. Happy fundraising. Next time let’s talk about seamless and frictionless corruption in emerging markets, and how best to navigate all that, shall we?

The Home Office was having to deal with the unusual sensation of praise today after a dangerous fantasist was stripped of citizenship for too much time spent abroad flying business class in pursuit of ends that are clearly damaging to the UK.

”We had to act to protect the country’s interests,” Mr Tooth Tiger told LCD Views as we rode up one of the many elevators inside The Shard building near London Bridge.

The interview took place inside an elevator in the new and already iconic London landmark as we were ostensibly there to witness a Home Office ceremony at the very pointy tops of the structure.

“Did you know that by April of 2017 he’d already clocked up enough business class air miles to reach the Moon?” Tooth asked, “by now he’s probably flown far enough to crash into the face of the Sun at public expense.”

The man himself could not be reached for comment as he was enjoying a glass of champagne on the public purse many miles above the Earth.

“You’d say his head was in the clouds but commercial aircraft tend to fly well above any cloud masses so the flight is smoother for the tax money spent.”

It seems it was a timely move on the part of the Home Office too, faced with mounting criticism for the racist, hostile environment policies designed by the unknown figure who was Home Office minister from 2010 – 2016.

“We’ve been kicking people out as fast as we can swing the boot,” Tooth said, “and this seems to be leading to some unexpected blowback. Who knew not everyone in the UK was a racist little Englander? I mean, the country overwhelming voted for Brexit. The leaders of both main political parties back Brexit. And Brexit is Nigel Farage. We thought we were on firm ground going after people based on ethnicity.”

It seems it’s a sensible move also, with the independence movement in Scotland being given fresh legs by the shambles and certainty of economic collapse of Brexit, the man in question, having being born in Scotland, will soon be an alien resident (temporarily) in the United Kingdom of England.

“He wastes money. He promotes fantasies. He’s already been fired from high office for breaking security protocols and other misdeeds to do with hiding special friends behind curtains. He’s a rotter. We’re well shot of him. Just think of the money saved on the airfares too? Money that can be spent on the NHS!”

And why were we riding in the elevator at the Shard to the very top?

“You’re here to see the fitting of the huge eye of Sauron that the prime minister has demanded be fitted to the top of the building. All the better to watch you with as we make a success of Brexit and enter the exciting possibilities of criminalising thoughts.”

 

LCD Views can report today that a well known clown of the international stage has taken things a step further by growing a Charlie Chaplin moustache while on a South American holiday.

“He was sent over there to get him out of the big tent for a few days,” our upper lip specialist says, “or he went there so other people could do some clowning on his behalf and he could claim plausible deniability due to the tyranny of distance. Choose your own reason. I’m just a moustache man.”

The moustache itself is worthy of consideration for being a classic design not much evidenced since the 1940’s.

“It takes some swagger to pull off the tooth brush,” our tooth brush expert approves, “most people would consider growing one and then realise it might make them look like Nigel Farage with a small microphone under his nose. At that point they give up. But not our man.”

Apparently South American countries do have a climate just right for growing this moustache though and that may have contributed to the decision.

“It’s due to post war migration to Argentina of some very committed ideologues who used the tooth brush as a secret symbol to recognise one another. Both more hygienic and more subtle than a secret handshake.”

LCD Views would like to say we approve of the new look, especially when the famous clown raises his arms and talks.

“It really gives you a feel of his actual potential, where he allowed to develop naturally with ever greater power.”

Will he be allowed that?

“Don’t be stupid. This is no laughing matter.”

LCD Views can claim success today in our first FOI request allegedly made by us to the Home Office with the release of papers admitting HMG has advanced plans to rename Britain just “it” after Brexit.

“It makes sense,” Steve Baked MP for Cocken-on-Womble, told us, hand delivering the papers to our floating office on a Thames’ barge in exchange for a bucket of American signal crayfish, “I’m going to hide these crayfish on the opposition benches. By which I mean where Ken Clarke and Anna Soubry normally sit.”

Wouldn’t it be better to boil them alive and eat them?

“No. The cannibalism starts post Brexit.”

So tell us about the plans to rename Britain and call it simply ‘it’.

“It will be in line with what most other nations will be calling Britain after Brexit,” Mr Baked said, “as all the brains will have leaked away by then. Mostly over to the continent, but I guess some other places too. We are lobbying to keep Britain as the official name on maps but the Royal Society of Cartographers told us to, I quote, ‘do one’, on that.”

It’s good to know at least some planning has been taking place for life after March 2019. Those tail back scare stories about Kent and food supplies have me a little worked up.

“Oh don’t let the changing of project fear into project reality upset you,” Steve shrugged, “no one left living on ‘it’ will have the cognitive capacity to understand how life has deteriorated anyway.”

LCD Views can report this morning that the population statistics for the United Kingdom have been artificially inflated to 650 million people in order to put us in pole position for future trade deals with lesser countries.

We sent a reluctant reporter along to Steve Baker, famous for bungling ill thought out put up jobs in parliament with living descendant of Vlad the Impaler, Jacob Rees-mogg, to learn more.

”Let me correct you at the start,” man of integrity Steve began, “we haven’t artificially inflated any statistics, the 650 million is now the actual, literal, word thing fact stat published by our colleagues in the Home Office.

It’s a great sign of government working together to give Little Liam and his white elephant of international trade real cred on the international stage. You should actually literally be congratulating us for our clever idea.”

But it’s bullshit.

”Oh my God, they’ve sent a child to interview me!”

Mr Baker laughed scornfully and considered terminating the interview.

”If you’re not going to buy the government line it’s going to stop us making a success of post Brexit dumpster fire Britain. You’re pathetic.”

Okay. Let’s play along. What’s the cause of the sudden jump in the UK’s population?

”It’s not sudden at all. Since the moment of reawakening on the 23rd June 2016 everyone who believes in the U.K. has been shagging like bunnies. We’re in the middle of a massive patriotic population baby boom. It’s why we can send all those foreign types home with no conceivable negative connotations at being perceived as racist.”

Correctly perceived, given government policy and even the official opposition party banging on about ending freedom of movement.

”There you go again! We’re not a racist government. Just visit Nadine Dorries on Twitter to see that. No. No. We just KNOW British born people are exceptional compared to others and we’re making sure everyone knows it.”

You’re killing the country day by day and Labour is helping you.

”After Brexit when we change all the laws you’re going to be arrested. And it won’t matter who is in charge. It might even be me.”

We’ll see about that. What’s the point of artificially inflating the population statistics anyway?

”So we can hand the Japanese their backsides in not only rugger but trade negotiations.

We have to have a larger population than the EU or we’re going to get shafted on a relative worth basis in consideration of trade deals done as a bloc of 500M+.”

This will work how?

”650 is bigger than 500. It’s basic. Just do the math and you’ll see a glorious trading future awaits.”

The “Ultimate boy”, Jeremy ‘I heart Brexit’ Corbyn, is to explain to more than one million university students why losing their birth right of freedom of movement, and being stuck on an island with men upset over ham based teasing, is all part of the “long game”.

“He’s going to do it at Glasto this year when he storms the stage again,” PR man for old Corbs, Mr Jacob Rees-mogg, told us during a morning’s beating about the bush.

“Imagine it, you’ve piled up over £50K worth of debt and there’s no jobs in the UK when you graduate. And now getting across the channel to the EU27 to find work for all that debt is a raft and paddle situation because May and Jezza together forever demanded the UK pull out of the single market. 80% of the economy. There’s clearly no way they would demand such a thing just to keep gammon faced idiots happy and voting for them?”

These are the same gammon that have been merrily screaming in CAPS ‘libtard snowflake cuck you lost get over it!!!,!,,,!!!’ all over social media for years, but now that a tag has stuck to their ideological viewpoint, they can’t handle it?

“Ironic isn’t it. Little gammon flakes.”

So tell us more about Glastonbury this year?

“Well, clearly the Corbynator is going to need an audience of young people like you find in the fields of Glastonbury to explain why losing freedom of movement and being stuck on an island with angry middle aged men and women is all worth it in the service of the long game.”

I’m sure he’s got it all worked out. I mean it makes sense. Why wouldn’t you keep whipping your MPs to either vote with the vilest and least competent Tory administration anyone can remember in order to move hard Brexit closer to reality?

“He’s moved to abstaining with the whip now. It’s very clever. Another long game play. Most voters will be so thick they think abstaining means voting against. Got to hand it to the old campaigner.”

But why not explain the benefits of losing FOM to over a million young people on television? Why choose Glastonbury?

“That’s obvious. In order to swallow it and continue believing in JC the one million plus young people will have to be completely off their collective faces on MDMA.”

Collective is a nice word.

“Yes. It goes well with farm. And that’s why we need to help Theresa May catastrophically limit the freedom of movement of everyone. Once we end freedom of movement for EU27 nationals to keep the gammon happy, who’s going to till the soils of mighty England if we let our young get away?”

Social media platforms are buzzing today with the amazing news that the government of the United Kingdom is to host a summit later this year just so smaller countries vying to join the European Union can get together and laugh at us.

“This is Global Britain Empire 2.0 in action,” Liam ‘airmiles’ Fox told LCD Views from the gold lounge in terminal 7, Heathrow, shortly before jetting off to sell more bombs to dictators, “we don’t need membership of the EU for prosperity, not while people far away are determined to bomb the sh*t out of each other, but smaller countries without highly developed arms industries most certainly do.”

So we’re doing it from a standpoint of credibility?

“Yes. We’re a proper example of why membership of the European Union is desirable in an interconnected world with massive tax dodging individuals and multinationals vying to take over countries with a reputation for rule of law from behind the scenes, just so they can undermine the rule of law and get even richer. It’s what Brexit is about.”

And what talks or classes we will put on for these lucky little start up democracies?

“We’re going to hold classes on democratic accountability, how to milk the teat of the taxpayer till it bleeds while in office and just how lucky do you have to be to have an economy that has bombs and the creation of mass refugee situations at its heart, but a dangerous amount of water separating you from the problem when it arises, while having elected an institutionally racist government. What a jackpot for the UK in the time of Tories in power. It’s going to be a fun packed summit.”

Who’s coming to it?

“Smaller countries from the Balkans and wherever else. I didn’t read the detail. We’ll include the attendees in the latest immigration statistics and deport them before the summit closes as further evidence of why getting into the EU is good. Human rights, well, it’s for others now of course.”

Global Britain on show. Stocking up on laughs to export to the world. Get in there and giggle!

LCD Views’ navigation correspondent reports this morning that the biggest spoon in the Tory cabinet has announced that the UK is to spend three billion pounds developing its own GPS satellite in a fit of pique.

“This is outrageous,” the shiny piece of cutlery told us, “I’m not the biggest spoon in the cabinet draw. Boris is. Or maybe Davis. Or maybe the prime minister. Or even the new kid Sajid, give him time. Me? You’ve seen how I took on Putin with playground chat. I’m a man. I own a spider.”

But regardless of who is the biggest spoon in a jammed drawer which features no knives or forks, UK Defence Secretary Gavin Williamson is still intent on spending three billion pounds on a satellite system that will takes years to build and be done without the cooperation of the countries we’ve just spent more than fifteen years developing the EU’s system, Galileo, with.

“I admit I stack up like a good spoon with the rest of them,” Mr Williamson mused, “you should see us playing sardines in the cupboard at Chequers. Shape is very important if you want to jam spoons into a tight space.”

He went on like this for some time.

We interrupted to ask if there were any other ways we could spend three billions pounds, perhaps by not blowing decades of international cooperation out of the water and spend the money on strained public services at home?

“And you think I shouldn’t be trusted with a knife and fork!” he hit back, “if we don’t waste money as fast as possible while delivering the best Brexit possible, then it’ll be harder to justify privatising whatever is left when we have made a success of Brexit.

What will the offshore interests funding this neocon coup say then? Seriously, just go away and shut up or I’ll insult you again.”

Mr Williamson called us up later to add,

“I”m very shiny. You should see me when I’m polished.”

LCD Views was shocked, stunned, taken aback and then given aforward by the most recent ONS figures. The construction industry in the United Kingdom appears to have more than man flu (and we know what that means) and the economy overall has slowed to, in technical terms ‘just a bit better than shit’. And don’t mention the outflow of investment. Where could it go next?

We decided to talk to one of the Francis Drake’s of our proud, buccaneering country, set free once again to privateer on the high seas, and find out what he made of it all.

He was in the middle of an important work call when we arrived, so we sat politely in a guest chair, that was interestingly very low to the floor, while our man’s was a much bigger chair. What could it mean?

“I spoke to Liam Fox and he says it’s alright,” David Davis, aka Francis Drake, said into his work phone, “we can just roll over the bar tab at the commons till next month.”

We knew it was his work phone because someone had helpfully written ‘work phone’ on some tape and then stuck that to the phone.

“No. No. There’s no chance the bar staff will refuse to serve any of us just because we haven’t settled up in months. It’s just a technical problem,” he continued, “look, talk to Liam. He knows all about this stuff. I’m too busy wrestling with old Barnier. Okay. Yes. Lock in session tomorrow night. You’re on. Be there for lunch and we’ll just push through. Ha!”

He replaced the work phone and turned to us.

“Make it snappy,” he ordered in a very boss way, “I’ve got to go to the tailor’s in ten minutes and get fitted out for asbestos underwear.”

Certainly minister. Who is your tailor?

“Some chap who’s in the process of bankrupting Boris. Now what is it?”

Well, we’re just a little bit worried that project fear is becoming project fact? And all those blithe types who decided Brexit was all great because the UK didn’t fall off a cliff immediately, as it takes time to lose momentum and fail, maybe in for a shock? You know, time and tide and all that.

“Look. Chaotic economic collapse is just Global Britain’s opening negotiating position. This is all going to plan. Brexit is supposed to be a calamity.”

I see. And what comes after that?

“We’ll mix it up with the big boys of the global economy with imagination and seamless exceptionalism. They’ll give us what we want because we’re British and everyone around the world remembers the Empire.

Now, if you’ll excuse me I’ve got to work out how I got this fork stuck in my head while I was eating lunch.”

Thank you for your time minister.

“You couldn’t give it a tug, could you? Steer clear of the pointy end.”

A woman in a position of some influence has spoken to one of our award winning political correspondents today to explain how she experienced a damascene conversion regarding Brexit.

“You are aware I’m only answering the questions I pre-approved?” she said at the beginning of the interview, “if you try and ask me anything I have not had the pat phrase pre-installed as a reply to, I’ll freeze up and then you’ll have to reboot me.”

We know. We know. It’s okay. We read every instruction manual before talking to a government minister.

“Good. Just ignore the blue screens behind my pupils if they pop up. A member of the IT staff will pop in and turn me off and on again. Now, what’s your question?”

“We were mostly interested in how you went from being a supporter of remaining in the European Union to someone who isn’t now. You spoke several times of the clear and present dangers that leaving entailed.

But then once the con artists behind Leave successfully rigged, lied, micro targeted with stolen data susceptible and credulous voters, allegedly broke election laws by funnelling money into puppet companies, and to top it all off, drove a giant lie around the country on a bus, overnight you became a Brexiter?

“The answer is very straight forward.”

Please tell.

“The moment I understood I could deport three million people, and forcibly, well, I just had to go for it,” she smiled.

So you admit to having, shall we say, every so slightly racist instincts?

“Have you seen what we’ve been up to with the Windrush generations? Oh my God! How could you even ask me that? Where have you been?”

I’ve been right here living through your time in office.

“Do you have the papers to prove it?”

I thought you were supposed to have suddenly stopped all that and become very mad at the people who started it?

“Sorry. Old habits and all that. It’s a shame really. The hostile environment is my pet ‘long game’.

Becoming prime minister on a Brexit ticket looked so promising.

I could really exercise my deep antipathy to anyone who didn’t look like they were born in an English village. Foreigners are just so suspicious, don’t you find?

Still, let’s not give up now hey? We’ve got the official opposition backing Brexit with us and committed to leaving the single market, just like us. Freedom of movement is as good as dead in the water. We may get another swing on the mass deportation wicket.”