Theresa May is well positioned to trump Boris Johnson’s big speech of yesterday when she begins her second last major addition to British oratory with the well worn classic turn “I’m not a racist, but”.

The penultimate prime minister of the United Kingdom will take the stage later today in front of letters welded to a backdrop that in the words of the designers are “strong enough to survive a nuclear blast, but maybe not the corrosive atmosphere in the conference hall, so she better talk fast.”

It’s rumoured she will also be carrying her own P45, but that is just standard, as every day she wakes up expecting to need it.

”She’s really going to stuff Boris with I’m not a racist, but, it’s the truth of course and it will hit home in the hall. Especially with the young battalion of future Tory MPs there. They’ve learned to say it with their mother’s milk.”

To underline her creditionals she will further explain her new immigration scheme.

”People smuggling. We are going to boost that astronomically as landed born to rule types import their domestic workers illegally after Brexit. Best of all you won’t even have to pay them minimum wage as they’ll be hiding from the Home Office special police all the time.”

In addition to this exciting development the Prime Minister will also promise and extension to the hostile environment policies to embrace anyone not born in a Home county.

”The go home vans are coming back too, well, assuming we can get enough proper British people out of the ration queues with the strength to drive them.”

Opportunity, but. Modern conservatism.

”And given the official opposition has also pledged to leave the single market, the overwhelming majority of voters get to be chorus.”

Now all together Global Britain, this is our government, in one voice say, I’m not a racist, but. 

“The ECB has already set aside the £120M as part of its emergency financial aid contingency for all things Brexit,” Gavin Williamson, the smallest man in a government of exceptionally small men, told LCD Views, “because they need to give us their money more than we need them.”

Quite why the English Cricket Board has been tasked with securing funding for the Brexit festival in 2022 isn’t clear, but we assume it’s patriotism.

“THEY DIDNAE HAVE A CHOICE!” Williamson explained, calmly, trying on an accent, “I said you give us the funding fanny boy or I’ll go feckin’ Begbie on ya.”

He also has a spider. It’s in a box.

”I also have a spider. It’s too dangerous for me to touch so I KEEP IT IN A BOX.”

That makes him hard.

”It gets me HARD.”

Proper timber.

We took these revelations to the EU to see what they made of them.

”It’s the kind of plucky, self reliance we expect from a Global Britain,” Donald Tusk responded on behalf of the EU27, “but just to be sure we are already setting aside a bail out fund.”

So the EU will pay for the Brexit festival even if the ECB can’t?

”We are going to have our own Brexit festival,” Tusk smiled, “and we’re not waiting for the one hundred year celebration of the partition of the island of Ireland to do it. We’re holding it on the 1st April 2019.”

But why the rush, it’s unseemly, it undermines your negotiating hand at a crucial stage.

”We’ve a lot to celebrate.”

What?

”Finally, all those fascist English Tories and deluded Lexiters stuck in their time warp will have had to f c u k off.”

The Basil Fawlty of European politics, Theresa May, is to tell the Conservative Party Conference “we’re only doing Brexit because Germany invaded Poland” later today.

”It’s an olive branch,” Jeremy Hunt, Foreign Secretary, told LCD Views as he was taking a cold shower following his own respect heavy address to the troops.

”We’ve got to butter them up so they don’t force us to make them pay for not allowing us to use the gym after we cancel our membership.”

It’s believed May will give her speech dressed as a spitfire pilot.

”She’s watched that film, what’s it called? The one about British fighter pilots in the Boer War? She’s watched that a lot. She’s even got the same mask and goggles etc that Tom Hardy wore when he played Bane. Total preparation for the role. But you know what they say, if you prepare to fail you will. We’ve done an awful lot of prep. Pass me the shampoo will you?”

But the choice of outfit has drawn criticisms from an unexpected source.

”Yes I voted for Brexit,” John Cleese told LCD Views, “like many extremely wealthy old white British men living in a California for decades, I know what is best for the Empire. But to dress like a spitfire pilot? And not Basil Fawlty? It will send mixed messsges.”

Quite how one of the kings of mocking the pretensions of British imperial nostalgia has travelled to a place of being a Brexiter is anyone’s guess. It certainly made our office incredibly sad. A hero fallen. But anyway…

”At least Merkel will know who to blame when she looks in the mirror after May’s speech,” Hunt carried on, “we’ve shown the EU nothing but respect during these negotiations. From comparing them to Nazi’s, to Soviet Russia, to threatening not to pay up our agreed financial obligations, the only thing left now is to hammer them into submission with self deluded jingoism.”

Amd we’re going to make a success of it.

A world famous child psychologist has advised the EU27 group of countries to ignore Conservative Party ministers acting out at the ongoing professional Con Artists Conference in Birmingham this week.

”They think only their immediate family is looking at them,” Dr Brit People told the EU27, “they’re used to being indulged and getting what they want. To be told no is very hard for them to process after so much spoiling. Thus, they are acting out in an attempt to force their will across the entire family. Give me what I want to shut me up. If you don’t give me what I want I’ll make your life hell. It’s painfully embarrassing. Our entire family is going to have to apologise for a long time. The longer this goes on? The more the spoilt brat is exposed in a broader social sphere? Pretty grisly.”

But isn’t the behaviour also a cry for help?

”You mean because the child has gotten itself stuck after doing something it was told not to do? And is now doubling down in the hope that just getting it to stop will take precedence over the bad behaviour?”

Something like that.

”Sometimes yes. But all children need to feel certain they understand where their boundaries are. This gives security. If the boundary is uncertain a child will behave badly to have the boundary become visible, and thus return to a state of balance. Mother is watching, the tiger hidden in the long grass won’t get me, because mother is watching.”

But what if the child has only ever had a nanny? Say, someone like Jacob Rees-mogg who famously has kept the nanny into adulthood?

”Similar principle. Although there maybe a deeper insecurity to do with who actually gives a shit about me really, formed in the early years, in the case of JRM. The age of that particular child now? I wouldn’t hope for reform. Best to just exclude from school to spare the other big kids further corruption.”

So Foreign and Commonwealth Secretary Jeremy Hunt’s outburst, in which he likened the EU to the Soviet Union?

”Oh that, that’s just because Jeremy Hunt is a…um…how do you say?”

A woman already suffering from a deep sense of self inflicted isolation has been left further troubled after all her friends changed their mobile phone numbers at once, and none gave her their new one.

”It’s her work colleagues too,” an aide to the woman told LCD Views, “every single Tom, Dick, Priti, Amber and Harry of them has changed their numbers.”

It’s said the woman in question is baffled as to why, but fears it is a coordinated attempt to undermine her at work.

”She’s your classic middle manager, rungs down in the Murdoch empire and unlikely to rise further. She takes out her frustrated ambitions on all beneath her,” the aide went on, “she’s bloody awful to work for. Won’t listen. Always coming up with half baked, nonsensical new pathways and insisting you action them, when they’ve clearly got buckley’s. It’s no surprise she’s been hit with a large scale, passive aggressive act of constructive dismissal.”

Quite what she intends to do about it is not clear, but it’s believed it will only make the atmosphere at work worse.

”She’s not the only one actually,” the aide continued, “a big blonde man who used to work with her can’t get anyone’s new number either.”

And how is he reacting to it?

”Apparently he’s barely aware. He keeps phoning the old numbers and blathering on regardless. I don’t really see what all the fuss is about, it’s not like either of them ever listen to a damn thing anyone says to them.”

The United Nations have shown solidarity with the United Kingdom, during its current metamorphosis from sensible global citizen to basket case, by recognising the U.K. as the world’s first official Idiocracy.

“It is a hotly contested field,” UN spokesman Mrs Nnited Uations told LCD View’s first world problems analyst, “You would have thought that the US, by electing a man who confessed blithely to sexual assaults as president, would have been a shoe in. But plucky little Global Britain has got its nose to the fore and scooped the accolade of first Idiocracy on Earth.”

The surge by the UK that sees it take the prize was powered by the official appointment of a minister to oversee food shortages.

“America starves its poor. The UK starves its poor. It’s neck and neck in that thanks to right wing policies, primarily fuelled by the thinking (if you can call it that) of libertarian, darwinian tossers, but to actually plan to starve your entire population?

“And to announce a minister to that end. And to expect to stay in government after? An industrialised, first world country with an interconnected and highly efficient supply chain of food, which the intention is to tear to threads at the stroke of a clock just so a bunch of currency speculators can get even richer? Wow. Now that’s a level of national idiocy that even Trump hasn’t managed, yet.”

Prime Minister Ms May is to receive a gold plated ration book later today, in recognition of her government’s achievement, and she will be asked to share it with the leader of the official opposition, as it is really a cross party effort.

“You can’t turn your country into an Idiocracy with an official opposition actually opposing the policy agenda that does it,” the UN rep explained, “but you know what they say, never interrupt an elected representative in the middle of a taxpayer funded meal. No matter how many lives will be thrown into calamity by the pursuit of Idiocracy, at least 650 bellies will always be full.”

BMW is planning to move production of the Mini to Turkey, if the government fails to secure a post Brexit trade deal that allows components to be moved in and out of the UK free of tariffs.

The German automotive giant announced last week that it is planning a one month “production holiday” at its Cowley plant near Oxford, after March 29th, in which to examine its options.

However according a mole in the BMW headquarters in deepest Bavaria, the company has no intention of restarting production in the UK and has already begun moves to lease an empty factory space at Izmir in the west of Turkey, where it plans to re-start production by the middle of next year.

“Turkey has been part of the customs union since January 1995, so there are no trade barriers, and with low labour costs and a young and well educated population, it’s a perfect base for a new production venture – unlike the UK which is full of fat, gammon-faced old people who don’t know the difference between ‘there, they’re and their’, and want everything for free,” he explained.

The move appears certain to generate strong opposition from across the political spectrum in the UK.

Anti Brexit groups have been quick to point out that manufacturers have been warning about the impossibility of maintaining complex cross border supply chains since before the referendum, and the predictability of BMW‘s decision to send Mini away from UK shores, 60 years after the first model was launched in 1959.

However others have noted a certain aptness in the planned move, given that the designer of the original Mini, Sir Alec Issigonis, was born and brought up in Izmir and had never set foot in Britain before his arrival aged 16 in 1923.

“He arrived as a refugee, penniless, with his widowed German mother,” explained UK car history expert Alvis Riley pointing out the irony, of the “fright adverts” warning of a that fear of a surge of migrants from Turkey used by the Leave campaign.

“Can you imagine a 16 year old Turkish lad or for that matter a Syrian refugee, being allowed into the UK nowadays, and for him to go on to  be single-handedly responsible for designing? one of the most iconic British brands,” he asked before answering his own question:

“Of course not, he’d have been stuck in camp in Calais, or in Turkey or Germany – because the UK refuses to accept refugees,” he laughed.

The BMW mole was able to confirm to LCD views that the irony of Issigonis‘ origins has not escaped the company’s marketing department which has already bought up the rights to a popular English tune with which to advertise the move.

“It’s coming home, it’s coming home…Mini’s coming home…..has ein zertain ring to it, don’t you tzink,” he smiled.

Theresa May looks set to finally have her genius Chequers plan accepted by the EU this week after locating Michel Barnier’s weak spot and settling on a new saavy wheeze.

”He doesn’t have any lands and titles in England,” an aide to the penultimate prime minister of the U.K. told LCD Views,

“so naturally the obvious play is to offer Barnier lands and titles in Kent. Once he sees the carrot of taking back control of a piece of England as Lord Trade Barrier of Thanet, he’ll twist the arms of the other unelected, overpaid technocrats running the EU. Chequers looked dead, but that was only because it’s complete and utter nonsense, in reality once you find your enemy’s weak spot, anything is possible, even if you don’t hold all the cards.”

As to how receptive the EU’s chief Brexit negotiator is to the offer is not yet known, as the plan is still secret.

”We’re only announcing it in the British press at the moment,” the aide said, “as we know from the vicious and deceitful covers of our anti-EU moneylaundering rules newspapers, each and every day, that no one across the channel can read English. But we thought it best to let Thanet know that Sheriff Nigel is on the way out and Lord Trade-Barrier is moving in.”

It seems unlikely Barnier will reject the offer as everyone knows an English title is best.

”Of course he’ll have to apply to the Home Office for permanent residency first, but we’ll be providing an easy to use app for him to do that.”

But what if he refuses?

”We’ve thought of that too,” the aide beamed, “if Barnier is no go we’re going to offer Varadkar the city of Dublin to rule, after Ireland leaves the EU too and comes home to British rule.”

It’s commonly believed that Britons do not understand global issues. Some Brexiters do not seem to realise that there’s a whole world out there. This is Global Britain.

The Brexiter in question, Jean Poole from South Insularity, Middle England, explained. “It’s obvious, isn’t it?” she asked. “It’s in the east, between Essex and Norfolk. It’s in the middle. Stands to reason.”

Her husband, Hartley, agreed. “It’s called the Middle East for a reason,” he said. “I don’t know why there’s always such a fuss about it, I mean the people there are a bit strange, but so what?”

LCD Views’ Wider Horizons correspondent tried to explain that it actually means the group of countries where Europe, Africa and Asia come together.

“That can’t be right!” claimed Jean. “I went to Suffolk once. You get to the edge and then there’s just sea and stuff. That’s it. There’s nothing else. You can’t go any further.”

“And they say that even that is eroding away!” Hartley chipped in. “Little England is getting littler all the time. Time to stop all the foreigners coming in, there’s less land than there used to be when I was a kid.”

Have you ever left the country, we asked.

“I’ve only left South Insularity six times in my life!” claimed Jean. “I can count them on the fingers of one hand.”

“Who would want to leave?” asked Hartley. “We are all one big happy family, and we want to keep it that way.”

“And we don’t want any outsiders,” said Jean. “That’s why we voted for Brexit. What if all the people from North Insularity, or, God help us, Church Insularity, decided to come here?”

“They say they marry their sisters!” said Hartley, darkly. “And some of them have two heads!”

Further investigation revealed that they thought Turkey was in America, Bahrain was a pub with a leaky roof, and Kuwait meant standing in a long line of people.

Alicia Silverstone has stepped into the halls of Global Britain greatness today after she did her patriotic duty and made way for Theresa May to star in the remake of 90’s cult classic ‘Clueless’, now focused on telling the contemporary story of Global Britain.

”The reboot is really a role for a method actor,” Alicia told a Downing Street news conference this afternoon, “although I could have had a swing at it in the Stanislavsky tradition, Theresa has been doing the research day in and day out. Really living the title. Hell, her and her team have pretty much written the script by inprov every day for over two years. Maybe even since 2010 if you ask some of the production team.”

And it’s not just the title of the classic that the remake will embody.

Insiders tell your go to rag for inside gossip on modern cinema that there are other striking similarities.

”Shoes and trousers. Lots of shoes. Lots of expensive trousers. Neck jewellery you could beat a rhino to death with. Nothing says power dressing like getting a neck injury dressing for work. Although between you and me, there could be love bites under those links. Hedge funds focused on short selling and profiting off people’s misery can’t get enough of our star.”

Filming is expected to wrap up by the end of the conference season this year, but we’ve heard tell the end scenes are not yet written and will definitely also be made up on the day.

”It depends on one of her co-stars, Boris. He’s been cast as a classic bully type character. He’ll only pick on people he perceives as so weak they can’t fight back. It depends on how he calculates his chances.”

Based on that, chances are, we’ll all be watching the day to day madcap activities of a clueless prime minister wearing shoes so valuable your family would be barred free school meals for years right up to New Year. Back to you John.