Category: Global Britain

Foreign and Commonwealth Secretary Jeremy Hunt was in an upbeat mood this morning as he announced sweeping changes to the country’s diplomatic service.

”Those fussy, sluggish, pointless careerists, the so called diplomats are out, and people who know how to get deals done are in,” he said as giddy as a boy in a candy store, “for too long British reputation abroad has been mismanaged by people who studied, trained and served as ambassadors, but that changes, just like the NHS changed under me, so too the FCO is.”

It seems the idea for change has long been festering in the curious little box he calls his mind.

”Look at the great deals businessmen cut with me to carve up the NHS piecemeal and look how they’re getting away with it? You think businessmen can’t make a better fist of being ambassadors? Certainly Branson will get the trade deals done. Look how he gets trains done! Better a proven British leg end than some guy no one has ever heard of who’s sweated out a decade in Angola hoping to get promoted to somewhere in the EU!”

The change will also help pave the way for the direction Mr Hunt wants to take the FCO in.

”We’ll not be bothering with nation states anymore,” he added, “we’re going to send ambassadors straight to the world’s multinationals and skip out the middlemen, with the exception of Saudi Arabia of course, they buy our bombs and help keep the party going.”

So who is picked for the plum job in Riyadh?

“Wetherspoons’ boss Tim Martin has kindly accepted my offer of the position of U.K. ambassador to Saudi Arabia. With his proven experience of getting deals done with the religious fanatics behind Brexit, he’ll get the job done. I predict before his time is up there’ll be a drive through Wetherspoons pub on every street corner in Saudi and it’ll be the ladies who are driving through them.”

Good luck Jeremy Hunt. Whenever the country needs something that rhymes with something else, you’re the one we turn to.

Theresa May, ruler of the British Empire, has slammed French arrogance today after French immigration authorities proved just how unable to recognise British value the French are, once again.

”It’s not a surprise to find our presumptuous friends across the ENGLISH Channel behaving like this,” Britain’s modern day Boudicca said (in a thoroughly statesmanlike manner), “they’ve always been jealous.”

She paused here to power stare meaningfully into the void, before continuing,

”We do not wish to get into a game of immigration tit for tat, but it would do well for all to remember what happened after we let the French ancestors of Nigel Farage into the United Kingdom.”

The timely reminder of who is better by tribal leader May was prompted by outrageous French THREATS to English tourists.

“But if the FRENCH FAIL to do the right thing by Britons, after forcing us into Brexit, we will be forced to reluctantly draw up the bridge to French nationals after Brexit. They will join a growing list of twenty seven countries who will find it very difficult to spend their money in our one great country, if they fail to give us what we ask, after forcing us into Brexit.”

It seems the particular threat that has roused the British lion to roar is the notice from French immigration officials regarding how difficult it will be for exceptional British people to gain French visas, after they’ve forced us into Brexit.

”We are well aware that the only peoples on the continent of Europe to possess a sense of humour are the British. This is evidenced by old white, rich British men who used to mock the establishment turning full gammon in their dotage, and all the way over to the subtle power chains I wear around my neck, just so onlookers can smirk.”

And what powerful chains they are, modelled after the anchor chains on the Titanic.

”To suggest Brits won’t be allowed French visas after Brexit, because of concerns Brits won’t go back home from France is to underestimate both the British love of queuing (for food in 2019) and life under universal credit (she’ll take all the credit).”

 

The Romans built an empire on it. With fuel shortages looking likely after Brexit, foresighted people are buying horses. Lord Tebbit has already been quoted as saying “Get on yer horse!”

The Prime Minister, by the grace of God (by which we mean, there but for the grace of God), is looking on the bright side of Brexit as usual. Not satisfied with longing nostalgically for the glories of wartime deprivation, she reminds us that we also survived hundreds of years of Roman occupation.

“It could be a lot worse,” she croaked, at a hastily convened press conference in an empty stable. The horse had bolted a long time previously.

“What did the Romans ever do for us?” she continued, pressing home her disadvantage. “The British people rose up and threw off the shackles of their oppressors. The parallels with Brexit could not be clearer.”

Nobody dared to point out that the Roman empire was comprehensively Vandalised, and overrun by Goths. Their habit of wearing black is the main reason the following half century was called the Dark Ages.

“The British people are both resilient and innovative!” May stated. “Horse power was sufficient for our ancestors, and it is good enough for us. Get back in the saddle and start champing at the bit!”

May bridled at the suggestion that it was all a bit, well, unnecessary. “The Anglo-Saxon people triumphed then, and they will triumph again!” she declared. “Bridle means bridle!”

The stable (which seemed strong enough) echoed to the sound of weak applause, as May sashayed clumsily through the straw to the nearest regeneration alcove.

A new official no deal notice has been rushed out, advising people to convert their garages into stables, and to stockpile hay.

And it can only be a matter of time before fox hunting becomes mandatory.

British Foreign Secretary Jeremy ‘sounds like’ Hunt has put the emerging scandal surrounding uninvestigated criminality in the Leave campaigns to bed today by asserting “not investigating crime because of political sensitivities is a way of expressing our shared values with our good friends in Saudi Arabia”.

And that’s not all.

”But we can do better,” Hunt went on, mad eyes swivelling, “after we leave the tyrannical grip of Brussels and all those meddling regulations surrounding human rights, we can switch to a net importer of high explosives and begin bombing rural Wales.”

The call to unleash the dogs of war locally, rather than more profitably far overseas where as long as it’s not white Europeans dying than we are promoting traditional British values, has raised a few eyebrows.

”What’s the foreign secretary got against an aerial campaign against Scotland?” Tom Tug-my-hat, Tory MP Kent, demanded, “And why wasn’t I consulted before the decision to bomb Wales was made? I might have decided Norfolk should get it.”

As part of the shoring up of our shared values though, Hunt has more surprises for his colleagues.

”Clearly we should stop women driving, except with a stipulated male relative,” Hunt carried on, “at least until we can work out the nationality of my wife. We should also begin imprisoning dissidents.”

Asked for a response to the foreign secretary’s comments Downing Street issued the following statement,

”While Ms May certainly entertains constant thoughts about military occupation and suppression of the non Little England regions in her realm, mass arms sales to tyrannies is a key plank of our foreign aid. We expect to export even more death by way of desperately seeking cash after we bankrupt the U.K. with Brexit. To begin importing arms would run contrary to this ethical choice.”

They added also,

”We trust our good friends in Saudi Arabia will be more discrete with their state sanctioned murders going forward so we need not worry about pretending to care and potentially losing a key customer for our military-industrial complex to Russia.”

Liam Fox was in an upbeat mood today as he searched behind any curtain he saw with the announcement that the US has officially advised the U.K. government that it will refer to the U.K. as ‘the gimp’ in any and all free trade deal negotiations.

”We will also be called ‘the gimp’ in official documents after we strike a deal,” Liam said breathlessly, “this is the special relationship making itself plain as day.”

Dr Fox flicked back another curtain.

”Unlike my own very special friend! Where is that pesky little fellow. Hide and seek is no fun Adam if you can’t be found.”

This assertion drew giggling from a curtain a few feet away. And from the way it moved we’re certain someone was hiding behind it.

“We may even have to rename the United Kingdom as ‘the gimp’ on all correspondence with everyone ever,” Liam said, skipping to the moving curtain, “which will be fine by me. We may even get to dress up when we strike the easiest deal in history!”

But whether or not the new name will go down well with the people of the United Kingdom was unclear.

”The people have spoken,” Liam reminded us, “they don’t need to speak again now that we have Henry VIII powers. Thank you parliament, you great big rubber stamp you.”

And to make sure we all get the connotations of our new nickname the US is expected to use a meeting of the WTO later this month to spell it out.

”Threatening to block our new, non-EU membership of the Global Procurement Programme is just their opening negotiating stance,” Liam reassured, “the end stance is us on our knees in a rubber mask.”

Theresa May is well positioned to trump Boris Johnson’s big speech of yesterday when she begins her second last major addition to British oratory with the well worn classic turn “I’m not a racist, but”.

The penultimate prime minister of the United Kingdom will take the stage later today in front of letters welded to a backdrop that in the words of the designers are “strong enough to survive a nuclear blast, but maybe not the corrosive atmosphere in the conference hall, so she better talk fast.”

It’s rumoured she will also be carrying her own P45, but that is just standard, as every day she wakes up expecting to need it.

”She’s really going to stuff Boris with I’m not a racist, but, it’s the truth of course and it will hit home in the hall. Especially with the young battalion of future Tory MPs there. They’ve learned to say it with their mother’s milk.”

To underline her creditionals she will further explain her new immigration scheme.

”People smuggling. We are going to boost that astronomically as landed born to rule types import their domestic workers illegally after Brexit. Best of all you won’t even have to pay them minimum wage as they’ll be hiding from the Home Office special police all the time.”

In addition to this exciting development the Prime Minister will also promise and extension to the hostile environment policies to embrace anyone not born in a Home county.

”The go home vans are coming back too, well, assuming we can get enough proper British people out of the ration queues with the strength to drive them.”

Opportunity, but. Modern conservatism.

”And given the official opposition has also pledged to leave the single market, the overwhelming majority of voters get to be chorus.”

Now all together Global Britain, this is our government, in one voice say, I’m not a racist, but. 

“The ECB has already set aside the £120M as part of its emergency financial aid contingency for all things Brexit,” Gavin Williamson, the smallest man in a government of exceptionally small men, told LCD Views, “because they need to give us their money more than we need them.”

Quite why the English Cricket Board has been tasked with securing funding for the Brexit festival in 2022 isn’t clear, but we assume it’s patriotism.

“THEY DIDNAE HAVE A CHOICE!” Williamson explained, calmly, trying on an accent, “I said you give us the funding fanny boy or I’ll go feckin’ Begbie on ya.”

He also has a spider. It’s in a box.

”I also have a spider. It’s too dangerous for me to touch so I KEEP IT IN A BOX.”

That makes him hard.

”It gets me HARD.”

Proper timber.

We took these revelations to the EU to see what they made of them.

”It’s the kind of plucky, self reliance we expect from a Global Britain,” Donald Tusk responded on behalf of the EU27, “but just to be sure we are already setting aside a bail out fund.”

So the EU will pay for the Brexit festival even if the ECB can’t?

”We are going to have our own Brexit festival,” Tusk smiled, “and we’re not waiting for the one hundred year celebration of the partition of the island of Ireland to do it. We’re holding it on the 1st April 2019.”

But why the rush, it’s unseemly, it undermines your negotiating hand at a crucial stage.

”We’ve a lot to celebrate.”

What?

”Finally, all those fascist English Tories and deluded Lexiters stuck in their time warp will have had to f c u k off.”

The Basil Fawlty of European politics, Theresa May, is to tell the Conservative Party Conference “we’re only doing Brexit because Germany invaded Poland” later today.

”It’s an olive branch,” Jeremy Hunt, Foreign Secretary, told LCD Views as he was taking a cold shower following his own respect heavy address to the troops.

”We’ve got to butter them up so they don’t force us to make them pay for not allowing us to use the gym after we cancel our membership.”

It’s believed May will give her speech dressed as a spitfire pilot.

”She’s watched that film, what’s it called? The one about British fighter pilots in the Boer War? She’s watched that a lot. She’s even got the same mask and goggles etc that Tom Hardy wore when he played Bane. Total preparation for the role. But you know what they say, if you prepare to fail you will. We’ve done an awful lot of prep. Pass me the shampoo will you?”

But the choice of outfit has drawn criticisms from an unexpected source.

”Yes I voted for Brexit,” John Cleese told LCD Views, “like many extremely wealthy old white British men living in a California for decades, I know what is best for the Empire. But to dress like a spitfire pilot? And not Basil Fawlty? It will send mixed messsges.”

Quite how one of the kings of mocking the pretensions of British imperial nostalgia has travelled to a place of being a Brexiter is anyone’s guess. It certainly made our office incredibly sad. A hero fallen. But anyway…

”At least Merkel will know who to blame when she looks in the mirror after May’s speech,” Hunt carried on, “we’ve shown the EU nothing but respect during these negotiations. From comparing them to Nazi’s, to Soviet Russia, to threatening not to pay up our agreed financial obligations, the only thing left now is to hammer them into submission with self deluded jingoism.”

Amd we’re going to make a success of it.