Category: Global Britain

British transport tzar Chris ‘failing’ Grayling was taking no prisoners this morning (because he couldn’t locate any) after his genius wheeze to spend millions creating a traffic jam was labelled a farce.

”He ordered the lorries personally with his phone using the Deliveroo app this morning,” Mrs Knowmoore Pleeeeze, Tory MP for WTF-on-Why (junior minister, Dept Transport), told us in person, “of course he closed his phone while the screen still said ‘processing order’, but that’s no reason to expect it’s anyone’s fault in government.”

Be that as it may, the failure of the famous takeaway food delivery service to promptly deliver the scores of heavy goods vehicles required has left Grayling in the unusual position of having his competence questioned.

”It’s not great,” Mrs Pleeeeze admitted, “I added an order of bacon butties and coffee to the truck order from Imperial Chinese Takeaway. I’m famished! Standing out here next to the motorway all morning with not a bite to eat. Now I know how the other half live! Really, I just want my life back.”

But does the sham in Dover today threaten other government contingencies for No Deal situations?

”You mean like the plan to use the KFC reward points app to award people with emergency medical supplies?”

Yes, that one too.

”Or the plan to have the Duracell bunny operate a treadmill to keep electricity flowing in Northern Ireland?”

Yes.

”Or the plan to call every government minister an Uber on March 30th so they can get the hell out of No Deal dodge and away to a comfy non-exec position on the board of a hedge fund that’s successfully shorted the pound and made a killing off the back of the wilfull and knowing destruction of modern Britain?”

That one sounds all too real.

At the time of going to print Deliveroo had yet to comment, but it is believed the firm will be able to escape blame due to being a food delivery service and not a short term hire outlet for lorries and trucks.

”That didn’t stop Seaborne Freight winning the catering contract for the House of Commons,” Mrs Pleeeeze added, “ahoy me hearties! Now, let’s see how that traffic jam is coming along.”

We fear Global Britain may not see its finest hour as 2019 gets into gear and begins motoring to a total, intentional standstill. 

“We have the vision,” Mr Bungle-Bung, aide to the United Kingdom’s foreign secretary, told LCD Views this morning, “if we can get a hard enough Brexit, we can become an invisible hub, a chain if you will, for the world’s money launderers and serve all the kleptocrats and tax dodgers. Join them all together and still speak English!”

You mean as opposed to the rather visible chain we are currently?

”Exactly! Too much red tape. We need to cut it away. The cash lost in paying additional lawyers and accountants currently could be much better used supporting the economies of small islands with a post box. Dastardly EU meddlers charge high tariffs on the tax avoidance schemes. Well, we’re going to take back control of rapidly shifting funds from the bottom to the top.”

Thats okay, because then it will trickle back down.

”That’s exactly what we want you to think.”

And what about the foreign secretary’s other sterling suggestion that we link all the world’s democracies?

”By costing up to autocracies? Perfect sense. Modern thinking. The kind of personally profitable self-contradicting genius you get with Brexit.”

We can be a global translation service.

”Roghtly so. At the moment, if say, a corrupt official in one country wants to speak to an even more corrupt official in another country, they’re stuck! But with a central hub in London, free of the shackles of the EU anti-tax avoidance shackles, well, we can be the world’s switchboard. It’ll boost global trade. No doubt about it.”

So Jeremy Hunt’s pitch to be PM is based on facilitating special kinds of global business?

”That’s how it reads to me. He was a remainer until he saw the personal, political gain possible in a complete flip. Global Britain. Be part of it. We should invent an app!”

Those who think the mighty intellectual power that is the current British Government is asleep with a full belly over the festive period have been proven dead wrong today with the advice coming out of Downing Street that GLOBAL Britons are to store this year’s Christmas trees for fuel in 2019.

”You’ll probably need to dry the tree in your loft space,” Mr Tufton, advisor to Theresa May told us, “ideally you’ll want the tree crisp and ready for burning by the spring when the energy wars start with the tyrannical EU.”

But what if you have a barn on your property?

”Well of course in that case store it for desiccation there. That will save on shouting at your maid for leaving a trail of pine needles through the house as she drags the tree to the loft.”

But how many meals will a dry Christmas tree provide?

”A complete fir tree of some good age should keep you going for months. Don’t forget you’ll be heating ration packs, so you won’t be using much fuel each time.”

What about eating the tree itself?

”That would definitely help combat global warming. Global Britons do their bit to fight Global Warming! By eating twigs and needles? That way we can burn more coal and keep the old, monied interests from revolting against the political class.”

A win win.

”And we can lower taxes further too.”

It all makes perfect sense.

”Of course you should probably reserve some good, stout branches for sharpening into stakes to form a defensive perimeter around your property.”

But why? Who would be attacking us?

”Boris Johnson in a second frauderendum battle bus would be my guess.”

The one and only Grate British Tory Party is celebrating the Global Britain festive period by threatening to make millions of people homeless based on nothing else but place of birth.

”We’re not racists, but,” Nazee Cumberbung, MP for Fascism-in-Government, told LCD Views’ Britain’s Shame correspondent, “but we need to send a strong message to people who came to the U.K. legally under agreed international treaties, trusting that their fellowship was valued and their skills, energies and labour were valued that they can f*ck right off now because we have a xenophobic control freak running a government that no longer, no more, allows political correctness to go mad insisting we’re nicer to one another.”

And the name of the scheme has been chosen to reflect the values the United Kingdom now wants to broadcast to the world.

”EU settled status?” Nazee smiled, thin lips sliding back across small, pointy teeth, which part to allow a forked tongue to scent the air with flicks, “what a message? Perfection.”

Why?

”You just need to run out the meaning,” Nazee’s eyes glowed, red, pulsating, like Satan’s hot testicles, “it implies these are displaced people, unsettled by choice. Itinerants. Like refugees. Volunteers who have launched themselves to the winds of fate. Those who deserve what they get. You know economic migrants. You know people who just come here to register for benefits and steal our horses. Filth. Register them. Remove them. Millions of them.”

You’re letting your mask slip.

”But it’s a red, white and blue mask that’s slipping.”

That is not reassuring at all. We’ve become the bad guys.

”Yes. And on Brexit, the government enjoys support of the official opposition. You’re either with us or against us.”

We’ve been down this path before. Only the last time we wore different hats.

”Apply today to stay,” Nazee invited again, “so we can bungle your paperwork up and detain you for deportation the Global Britain way.”

Cabinet discipline of the just in time variety today after Transport Secretary and cabinet drone, Chris ‘Failing’ Grayling, has been told he is banned from flying his toy drones anywhere near Gatwick airport.

We spoke to government heavyweight Liz Truss to find out why.

”I don’t know. No one tells me anything,” she told us, so we told her instead.

It’s because Gatwick airport, the second busiest in the U.K. was shut for thirty hours this week after Chris left one of his toy drones hovering over the airport.

”That’s not possible,” Liz defended her colleague, “Chris doesn’t know how to use his thumbs. How could be fly a drone?”

Because he’s all thumbs. Just like you. In fact, just like the lot of you.

”If he does it again I can send my dog around to bark at him?” Liz offered, deftly switching position on the subject.

Great idea.

”It’ll scare the living daylights out of his drone too.”

No it won’t.

”Yes it will. There’s a clip of me doing the rounds informing the Commons of just that.”

Well, it makes a change from droning on about pork.

The revelation that the calamity at the major transportation hub of Gatwick was caused by none other than the transport secretary himself has at least reassured a country that was starting to wonder what the hell is going on.

”We’re not cereal incompetents,” Liz chipped back in, “I don’t touch the stuff personally.”

At least it wasn’t a Martian invasion. Speculation on social media was pinning the cause of the airport shutdown on UFOs, who having decided to invade a weakened U.K. had then discovered relatively speaking they were very small, and paused midair for thought.

And it’s not the Russians.

And it’s not the terrorists.

And it’s not someone showing up just how completely friggin’ useless this government is as a way of showing what a murderous cluster of calamities any sort of Brexit will be.

It was just old Failing Grayling taking out a key piece of transport infrastructure.

Good luck getting away for Christmas holidays via the airports. If you do manage it, it might be wise to stay away until this shambling horror show of an administration has finally collapsed.

”There’s nothing we can’t screw up,” Liz added, but that, we already know.

“The United Kingdom was troubled enough already,” LCD Views’ festive correspondent, Mrs Reindeer told us this morning, “with Brexit looming it’s clear 2018 is going to be the last Christmas for the United Kingdom in its present form, unless the big fir tree of bullshit is cut down and wood chipped. But the news that Theresa May is to travel to the North Pole to renegotiate the terms of Christmas? It seems she doesn’t even want us to have a final Christmas as a family.”

Perhaps she doesn’t like the thought of people opening presents, all together, happy?

“Well, it’s clear she would ban immigrants from enjoying a proper English Christmas if she could. What have they done to deserve a share of our Christmas anyway? Especially the refugees. You know the kind, the ‘economic’ ones from the middle east escaping the British made munitions that we love to sell to people to drop on them, Christmas or no Christmas.”

They invented the religion Christmas is dependent on for existing?

“So? So they should just get to inherit the Christmas their ancestors did the hard work for, by virtue of accident of birth?”

Well, let’s not get political.

“Excuse me, that’s why you hired me.”

I didn’t hire you. I made you up in the moment I decided to had to stop binge watching “Comedians in Cars Getting Coffee” and find my children and force them to enjoy the world outside.

“I don’t think I can work here anymore.”

Let’s get back to Theresa May? That’s a subject we can unify around.

“She’s going to the North Pole to renegotiate Christmas with Father Christmas. Christmas means Christmas.”

We’re not going to get Christmas this year, are we?

“Not the kind with presents. No.”

The Brexit 50p coin has been the subject of controversy ever since it was first announced to the public, with many questioning it or making jokes about it. Now, however, it seems the Royal Mint have something to say on the matter, as the wording that will appear on the coin has been revealed.

Royal Mint spokesperson Manny May-Kerr told the assembled press this morning:

“The wording for the Brexit 50p coin has been decided on, and we have settled on a very apt quote for the subject – ‘never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups’ will be engraved around the edges of the coins.”

At this revelation, half the assembled press met the announcement with a stony silence while the other half burst out laughing.

However, the nature of the quote is not the main source of controversy.

Traditionally, British money shows off the wit and wisdom of historical Britons, but this quote was uttered by American comedian George Carlin.

Manny May-Kerr just shrugged at this, and said:

“If Brexit happens and Trump has his way, we’ll be pretty much an American colony soon anyway so we might as well get used to it.”

Another suggestion has been mooted, to instead use the old adage, “out of the frying pan, into the fire”, an expression that has been in the English language for five hundred years, and whose first English usage has been attributed to Sir Thomas More, the adviser to Henry VIII who opposed the tyrant ruler’s splitting England off from the Catholic church.

More was immortalised in the play A Man For All Seasons, and never has that description of him been more apt.

LCD Views can report that everyone needs to calm down dear over the loss of U.K. involvement in the overpriced and over-regulated EU space-phone project Galileo with news that HMG have awarded a contract to capture the satelite once it goes into orbit to a Bond villain.

”Anyone who saw the sterling work of Drax Corporation in the 1980’s documentary about its capture of a US space shuttle can rest assured the positioning of the U.K. at the technological forefront of tomorrow is stellar,” newly created Minister for Corporate Espionage, Mr Anee Tori (MP for Cockbumbling) told us during a tour of his new offices.

”The Ministry for Corporate Espionage won’t be in my mother’s basement for long,” The Secretary of State reassured us, “just until little Liam Fox’s vanity project over at DIT is wound up. We’ll move into there the same day.”

The decision to award the contract to Drax Corp has raised eyebrows though, due to the close relationship between their new CEO, Mr Jaws, and Anee Tori.

”So? We went to school together, what of it? Lots of people went to school together.”

But didn’t you serve on the board of Drax for five years before being elected as the MP for Cockbumbling?

”What of it? I intend to go back to work there after my five years is up, thanks to the fixed term parliament act, and my pension secure. I want the company to stay healthy in the interim. It’s just common sense.”

Some would say it’s a little corrupt?

”BBC journalists certainly won’t! Drax owns The Speculator and have close links to 55 Tufton Street.”

That’s that settled then. So when does the capture of Galileo happen?

”Just as soon as we can find him. Apparently no one has seen him for several centuries. He’s very good at hiding.”

Galileo is a satellite system.

”No, I’ve skimmed my briefs and it’s a man. But we’ll get him and then force him to tell us everything he knows.”

Global Britain’s children have spoken with one voice today to say how ecstatic they are about fighting to get back freedom of movement after Brexit.

The loss of freedom of movement for UK citizens (without EU27 spouses or the massive amount of cash needed to buy a second nationality, say, like a wealthy Brexiter does) is one of the main gains of prime minister Theresa May’s Brexit negotiating strategy.

“It’s mintox to the max!” A Generic-Young-Person told LCD View’s Down wit Youff correspondent,

“it’s like totally worth it. To have the only tangible benefit of the Brexit process being that UK citizens are stripped of the FOM right to about thirty countries, and dozens of countries are stripped of it in one, just so the UK’s political leaders can tell foreigners to jog on mate, Global Britain don’t like your type yeah, I mean what a win. We’re winners. Totally. We’re not racists, but…”

Other youth were also mad with joy about it.

“The EU is racist yeah,” A Lexit-Child chipped in, “it like totally bars us from letting someone from the developing world come to the UK. We have to give all our jobs to Europeans. The EU forces us to keep out people outside of the bloc. They’re just vile. I’ll be happy stuck at home watching the job I can’t do, because education is undervalued and underinvested in by the UK government, and now thanks to tuition fees, out-priced for many, I’ll be happy watching that job go to someone from anywhere but an EU country while I queue to say there is no damn way I’m picking fruit, it’s beneath me.”

Ms May is certain to be buoyed by the outpouring of support for her Brexit deal by the country’s young.

“It’s great,” A Sober-Teen said, “you read about the civil rights movements of the 60’s and think, damn, what have we got to fight for? Now, with Brexit, we can fight to get back not only our parliamentary democracy, so obviously corrupted by kleptocratic cash, but also that giant mountain of rights the old shits running both Cons and Labour took away from us as they fought to impose savage ideology on us and keep us bloody well at home to do it.”

But it’s not really a fair fight or level playing field. As it’s damn certain any millionaire backing Brexiter will just buy their kids a burgundy passport.

“That’ll just fire me up more, seeing accident of birth in action, as rich Tory kids swan off to jobs on the continent while I’m shouting ‘Dennis, there’s some lovely filth down here!’. I’m well up for it. It’s the way Britain is supposed to be. Surface appearance of equality and class system all the way underneath.”

Her Majesty’s Insane Government has issued further advice today for British citizens to follow ahead of the expected No Deal Brexit (that’s always been the goal of Brexit), which it is hoped will be the result by default of the cack-handed negotiating strategy of the current British government.

“Summer holidays,” Dominic Raab, DExEU Secretary, told a packed meeting of the Royal Seasonal Affective Disorder Society, “Brits who suffer from a lack of vitamin D, which means all Brits, need to begin stockpiling holidays on the Costa del Sol ahead of Brexit,

“Or France if you like, the south of France?

“I hear some people go there. Or Tuscany, which is on the Portuguese coast, it’s lovely this time of year. Wherever you fancy really. Just do it now because it’s not certain you’ll be able to travel to Benidorm as easily as now, next year, unless you’re a sociopathic asset stripper who’s already bought himself an EU27 burgundy passport as a contingency against Brexit.”

The advice itself was given a lukewarm reception by the English Tourist Agency, which specialises in holidays at home.

“What’s so bad with a little bloody rain?” Malcolm Kipper, spokesman for the Agency asked, “we’re building in extra capacity all over England for the boom in tourism once nobody can afford to leave home. Except we aren’t stockpiling lounge chairs and towels of course. You don’t see people fighting over a spot by the pool in England! Ha! Leave that nonsense to somewhere with sun.”

Asked to comment on the feasibility of the government’s advice, given that a holiday is an experience that can only be retained via memory and sometimes triggered by seeing a souvenir, a Labour spokesman had this to say,

“Labour will negotiate better staycations after Brexit,” Mr Fence Post MP (Splinter in Ass) said, “you’ll have the choice of either “a” collectivised farm or volunteering to hand out literature to inmates at “a” re-education facility for people who undermine the leader. The memories will easily last you the rest of your lifetime.”