Category: Global Britain

LCD Views can report that everyone needs to calm down dear over the loss of U.K. involvement in the overpriced and over-regulated EU space-phone project Galileo with news that HMG have awarded a contract to capture the satelite once it goes into orbit to a Bond villain.

”Anyone who saw the sterling work of Drax Corporation in the 1980’s documentary about its capture of a US space shuttle can rest assured the positioning of the U.K. at the technological forefront of tomorrow is stellar,” newly created Minister for Corporate Espionage, Mr Anee Tori (MP for Cockbumbling) told us during a tour of his new offices.

”The Ministry for Corporate Espionage won’t be in my mother’s basement for long,” The Secretary of State reassured us, “just until little Liam Fox’s vanity project over at DIT is wound up. We’ll move into there the same day.”

The decision to award the contract to Drax Corp has raised eyebrows though, due to the close relationship between their new CEO, Mr Jaws, and Anee Tori.

”So? We went to school together, what of it? Lots of people went to school together.”

But didn’t you serve on the board of Drax for five years before being elected as the MP for Cockbumbling?

”What of it? I intend to go back to work there after my five years is up, thanks to the fixed term parliament act, and my pension secure. I want the company to stay healthy in the interim. It’s just common sense.”

Some would say it’s a little corrupt?

”BBC journalists certainly won’t! Drax owns The Speculator and have close links to 55 Tufton Street.”

That’s that settled then. So when does the capture of Galileo happen?

”Just as soon as we can find him. Apparently no one has seen him for several centuries. He’s very good at hiding.”

Galileo is a satellite system.

”No, I’ve skimmed my briefs and it’s a man. But we’ll get him and then force him to tell us everything he knows.”

Global Britain’s children have spoken with one voice today to say how ecstatic they are about fighting to get back freedom of movement after Brexit.

The loss of freedom of movement for UK citizens (without EU27 spouses or the massive amount of cash needed to buy a second nationality, say, like a wealthy Brexiter does) is one of the main gains of prime minister Theresa May’s Brexit negotiating strategy.

“It’s mintox to the max!” A Generic-Young-Person told LCD View’s Down wit Youff correspondent,

“it’s like totally worth it. To have the only tangible benefit of the Brexit process being that UK citizens are stripped of the FOM right to about thirty countries, and dozens of countries are stripped of it in one, just so the UK’s political leaders can tell foreigners to jog on mate, Global Britain don’t like your type yeah, I mean what a win. We’re winners. Totally. We’re not racists, but…”

Other youth were also mad with joy about it.

“The EU is racist yeah,” A Lexit-Child chipped in, “it like totally bars us from letting someone from the developing world come to the UK. We have to give all our jobs to Europeans. The EU forces us to keep out people outside of the bloc. They’re just vile. I’ll be happy stuck at home watching the job I can’t do, because education is undervalued and underinvested in by the UK government, and now thanks to tuition fees, out-priced for many, I’ll be happy watching that job go to someone from anywhere but an EU country while I queue to say there is no damn way I’m picking fruit, it’s beneath me.”

Ms May is certain to be buoyed by the outpouring of support for her Brexit deal by the country’s young.

“It’s great,” A Sober-Teen said, “you read about the civil rights movements of the 60’s and think, damn, what have we got to fight for? Now, with Brexit, we can fight to get back not only our parliamentary democracy, so obviously corrupted by kleptocratic cash, but also that giant mountain of rights the old shits running both Cons and Labour took away from us as they fought to impose savage ideology on us and keep us bloody well at home to do it.”

But it’s not really a fair fight or level playing field. As it’s damn certain any millionaire backing Brexiter will just buy their kids a burgundy passport.

“That’ll just fire me up more, seeing accident of birth in action, as rich Tory kids swan off to jobs on the continent while I’m shouting ‘Dennis, there’s some lovely filth down here!’. I’m well up for it. It’s the way Britain is supposed to be. Surface appearance of equality and class system all the way underneath.”

Her Majesty’s Insane Government has issued further advice today for British citizens to follow ahead of the expected No Deal Brexit (that’s always been the goal of Brexit), which it is hoped will be the result by default of the cack-handed negotiating strategy of the current British government.

“Summer holidays,” Dominic Raab, DExEU Secretary, told a packed meeting of the Royal Seasonal Affective Disorder Society, “Brits who suffer from a lack of vitamin D, which means all Brits, need to begin stockpiling holidays on the Costa del Sol ahead of Brexit,

“Or France if you like, the south of France?

“I hear some people go there. Or Tuscany, which is on the Portuguese coast, it’s lovely this time of year. Wherever you fancy really. Just do it now because it’s not certain you’ll be able to travel to Benidorm as easily as now, next year, unless you’re a sociopathic asset stripper who’s already bought himself an EU27 burgundy passport as a contingency against Brexit.”

The advice itself was given a lukewarm reception by the English Tourist Agency, which specialises in holidays at home.

“What’s so bad with a little bloody rain?” Malcolm Kipper, spokesman for the Agency asked, “we’re building in extra capacity all over England for the boom in tourism once nobody can afford to leave home. Except we aren’t stockpiling lounge chairs and towels of course. You don’t see people fighting over a spot by the pool in England! Ha! Leave that nonsense to somewhere with sun.”

Asked to comment on the feasibility of the government’s advice, given that a holiday is an experience that can only be retained via memory and sometimes triggered by seeing a souvenir, a Labour spokesman had this to say,

“Labour will negotiate better staycations after Brexit,” Mr Fence Post MP (Splinter in Ass) said, “you’ll have the choice of either “a” collectivised farm or volunteering to hand out literature to inmates at “a” re-education facility for people who undermine the leader. The memories will easily last you the rest of your lifetime.”

Foreign and Commonwealth Secretary Jeremy Hunt was in an upbeat mood this morning as he announced sweeping changes to the country’s diplomatic service.

”Those fussy, sluggish, pointless careerists, the so called diplomats are out, and people who know how to get deals done are in,” he said as giddy as a boy in a candy store, “for too long British reputation abroad has been mismanaged by people who studied, trained and served as ambassadors, but that changes, just like the NHS changed under me, so too the FCO is.”

It seems the idea for change has long been festering in the curious little box he calls his mind.

”Look at the great deals businessmen cut with me to carve up the NHS piecemeal and look how they’re getting away with it? You think businessmen can’t make a better fist of being ambassadors? Certainly Branson will get the trade deals done. Look how he gets trains done! Better a proven British leg end than some guy no one has ever heard of who’s sweated out a decade in Angola hoping to get promoted to somewhere in the EU!”

The change will also help pave the way for the direction Mr Hunt wants to take the FCO in.

”We’ll not be bothering with nation states anymore,” he added, “we’re going to send ambassadors straight to the world’s multinationals and skip out the middlemen, with the exception of Saudi Arabia of course, they buy our bombs and help keep the party going.”

So who is picked for the plum job in Riyadh?

“Wetherspoons’ boss Tim Martin has kindly accepted my offer of the position of U.K. ambassador to Saudi Arabia. With his proven experience of getting deals done with the religious fanatics behind Brexit, he’ll get the job done. I predict before his time is up there’ll be a drive through Wetherspoons pub on every street corner in Saudi and it’ll be the ladies who are driving through them.”

Good luck Jeremy Hunt. Whenever the country needs something that rhymes with something else, you’re the one we turn to.

Theresa May, ruler of the British Empire, has slammed French arrogance today after French immigration authorities proved just how unable to recognise British value the French are, once again.

”It’s not a surprise to find our presumptuous friends across the ENGLISH Channel behaving like this,” Britain’s modern day Boudicca said (in a thoroughly statesmanlike manner), “they’ve always been jealous.”

She paused here to power stare meaningfully into the void, before continuing,

”We do not wish to get into a game of immigration tit for tat, but it would do well for all to remember what happened after we let the French ancestors of Nigel Farage into the United Kingdom.”

The timely reminder of who is better by tribal leader May was prompted by outrageous French THREATS to English tourists.

“But if the FRENCH FAIL to do the right thing by Britons, after forcing us into Brexit, we will be forced to reluctantly draw up the bridge to French nationals after Brexit. They will join a growing list of twenty seven countries who will find it very difficult to spend their money in our one great country, if they fail to give us what we ask, after forcing us into Brexit.”

It seems the particular threat that has roused the British lion to roar is the notice from French immigration officials regarding how difficult it will be for exceptional British people to gain French visas, after they’ve forced us into Brexit.

”We are well aware that the only peoples on the continent of Europe to possess a sense of humour are the British. This is evidenced by old white, rich British men who used to mock the establishment turning full gammon in their dotage, and all the way over to the subtle power chains I wear around my neck, just so onlookers can smirk.”

And what powerful chains they are, modelled after the anchor chains on the Titanic.

”To suggest Brits won’t be allowed French visas after Brexit, because of concerns Brits won’t go back home from France is to underestimate both the British love of queuing (for food in 2019) and life under universal credit (she’ll take all the credit).”

 

The Romans built an empire on it. With fuel shortages looking likely after Brexit, foresighted people are buying horses. Lord Tebbit has already been quoted as saying “Get on yer horse!”

The Prime Minister, by the grace of God (by which we mean, there but for the grace of God), is looking on the bright side of Brexit as usual. Not satisfied with longing nostalgically for the glories of wartime deprivation, she reminds us that we also survived hundreds of years of Roman occupation.

“It could be a lot worse,” she croaked, at a hastily convened press conference in an empty stable. The horse had bolted a long time previously.

“What did the Romans ever do for us?” she continued, pressing home her disadvantage. “The British people rose up and threw off the shackles of their oppressors. The parallels with Brexit could not be clearer.”

Nobody dared to point out that the Roman empire was comprehensively Vandalised, and overrun by Goths. Their habit of wearing black is the main reason the following half century was called the Dark Ages.

“The British people are both resilient and innovative!” May stated. “Horse power was sufficient for our ancestors, and it is good enough for us. Get back in the saddle and start champing at the bit!”

May bridled at the suggestion that it was all a bit, well, unnecessary. “The Anglo-Saxon people triumphed then, and they will triumph again!” she declared. “Bridle means bridle!”

The stable (which seemed strong enough) echoed to the sound of weak applause, as May sashayed clumsily through the straw to the nearest regeneration alcove.

A new official no deal notice has been rushed out, advising people to convert their garages into stables, and to stockpile hay.

And it can only be a matter of time before fox hunting becomes mandatory.

British Foreign Secretary Jeremy ‘sounds like’ Hunt has put the emerging scandal surrounding uninvestigated criminality in the Leave campaigns to bed today by asserting “not investigating crime because of political sensitivities is a way of expressing our shared values with our good friends in Saudi Arabia”.

And that’s not all.

”But we can do better,” Hunt went on, mad eyes swivelling, “after we leave the tyrannical grip of Brussels and all those meddling regulations surrounding human rights, we can switch to a net importer of high explosives and begin bombing rural Wales.”

The call to unleash the dogs of war locally, rather than more profitably far overseas where as long as it’s not white Europeans dying than we are promoting traditional British values, has raised a few eyebrows.

”What’s the foreign secretary got against an aerial campaign against Scotland?” Tom Tug-my-hat, Tory MP Kent, demanded, “And why wasn’t I consulted before the decision to bomb Wales was made? I might have decided Norfolk should get it.”

As part of the shoring up of our shared values though, Hunt has more surprises for his colleagues.

”Clearly we should stop women driving, except with a stipulated male relative,” Hunt carried on, “at least until we can work out the nationality of my wife. We should also begin imprisoning dissidents.”

Asked for a response to the foreign secretary’s comments Downing Street issued the following statement,

”While Ms May certainly entertains constant thoughts about military occupation and suppression of the non Little England regions in her realm, mass arms sales to tyrannies is a key plank of our foreign aid. We expect to export even more death by way of desperately seeking cash after we bankrupt the U.K. with Brexit. To begin importing arms would run contrary to this ethical choice.”

They added also,

”We trust our good friends in Saudi Arabia will be more discrete with their state sanctioned murders going forward so we need not worry about pretending to care and potentially losing a key customer for our military-industrial complex to Russia.”

Liam Fox was in an upbeat mood today as he searched behind any curtain he saw with the announcement that the US has officially advised the U.K. government that it will refer to the U.K. as ‘the gimp’ in any and all free trade deal negotiations.

”We will also be called ‘the gimp’ in official documents after we strike a deal,” Liam said breathlessly, “this is the special relationship making itself plain as day.”

Dr Fox flicked back another curtain.

”Unlike my own very special friend! Where is that pesky little fellow. Hide and seek is no fun Adam if you can’t be found.”

This assertion drew giggling from a curtain a few feet away. And from the way it moved we’re certain someone was hiding behind it.

“We may even have to rename the United Kingdom as ‘the gimp’ on all correspondence with everyone ever,” Liam said, skipping to the moving curtain, “which will be fine by me. We may even get to dress up when we strike the easiest deal in history!”

But whether or not the new name will go down well with the people of the United Kingdom was unclear.

”The people have spoken,” Liam reminded us, “they don’t need to speak again now that we have Henry VIII powers. Thank you parliament, you great big rubber stamp you.”

And to make sure we all get the connotations of our new nickname the US is expected to use a meeting of the WTO later this month to spell it out.

”Threatening to block our new, non-EU membership of the Global Procurement Programme is just their opening negotiating stance,” Liam reassured, “the end stance is us on our knees in a rubber mask.”