Category: Donald Trump

ONCE UPON A TIME : American President Donald Trump used a press conference in Ireland today to announce he is to start travelling with giant lego bricks to prove he can build a wall anywhere.

Initially the press conference got off to a shaky start when Trump, surprisingly appearing to be ill informed and just talking out of his ass, gave the impression he believed Ireland to be a state in America.

”Perhaps you could tell us about walls?” his host gently steered Trump towards a specialist subject, away from simple geography, and things improved.

”I love walls,” the President immediately enthused, “did you know that some even hold up roofs? Not many people know that. Others can be used to stop undesirables coming to steal your horses. I hear you want a wall here in Ireland. I’ve some lego bricks with me, let me show you how to build it. I can build a wall anywhere. I really know how to create distance between me and whoever I’m visiting.”

There was a slight delay at that point as aides to the president rushed to retrieve his giant lego blocks from one of the cars in his entourage. But soon enough the big kid was building, or at least attempting to.

”Perhaps if you place the side with the cavities on top of the sides with the round bumps?” his host assisted again, “you’ll see they fit together.”

Trump didn’t seem to like that too much.

”I’m the builder here,” he retorted and managed, with some effort, to fit two bricks together.

He was off to the races then.

”Do you want to see how high I can make it?” he asked.

”Yes please. Can you build it over your head?” his host replied.

”I can too,” Trump replied and set about walling himself up right there in the interview.

And for a moment, as the lego brick wall rose and he vanished from sight, the world momentarily seemed a little bit saner, as if he wasn’t there at all.

NO COUNTRY FOR TINY HANDED MEN : President (seriously America) Donald Trump took to Twitter today to express his shock at finding only two old ladies live in England.

”Not many people know this,” POTUS tweeted, “but let me tell you, because no one else will tell you, England is not what they want you to believe. The fake news won’t tell you. Only two old ladies live in England. The capital of Limey Land is empty.”

Trump went on to reveal he’d discovered that even the two old ladies inhabited no go zones.

”It’s like they say on FOX. You can’t go anywhere. And if you do, there’s nobody there anyway. Sad. So sad. They let so many illegal immigrants in everyone left. Even the ILLEGALS!”

Responding to the tweet thousands of people attempted to explain that there are millions of people living in England, but 45 is so despised no one is allowed within blocks of his presence. Except for the two old ladies, and they don’t have a choice in the matter.

Theresa May because she was stupid enough to invite him over in the first place, and the Queen because a curious definition of duty implores her to entertain whoever the occupant of No 10 is stupid enough to invite over, should that person be a deplorable like Donald Trump.

But all was not lost for Trump.

”The really old lady has lots of gold. So much gold. You never seen so much gold, unless you’ve been lucky enough to ride in my lift. I’m going to sell her chicken,” he added, “just the greatest chickens. So clean. So, so chlorinated. And then I’ll build a wall around the old ladies and call the really old one’s home Trumpingham Palace. So much harm. I’m pure ham? Who knew!”

We knew Donald. We already knew.

His visit continues and while it does the people will continue to be kept out of view.

DUMBING DOWN : SHOCK new statistics from the Brains Faculty, University of Life, released this afternoon reveal the average IQ score in the U.K. has suffered its biggest drop in a single day since Donald Trump visited last year.

“After he left last year the average score, which is usually 100 but was down to the low 50’s during the visit, bounced right back up again,” Professor Zombie explains, “We’re just praying the sudden drop to the 40’s is explained by Donald Trump once again setting foot in the UK.”

But critics have been quick to point out a flaw in the methodology behind the IQ crunching, as the average IQ in the USA has not significantly increased with the departure of POTUS.

“That’s because of their gun laws, day in and day out mass shootings and no actual ability to do anything serious to stop it, and the drive to introduce deeply regressive laws pertaining to women’s rights, but none whatsoever targeted at all the medievalist, religious freak men that salivate over making it harder for anyone to get an abortion, except their mistress. So even taking the man child out of the equation can’t significantly inflate the figures.”

But what are the likely long term affects of the UK becoming dramatically thicker, on average, for even a few days?

“There should certainly be a noticeable spike in support for Brexit,” Professor Zombie shrugs, “mind you I’m doubtful of our own figures myself and wondering if I’m too dumb to do the calculations anymore.”

Why the self doubt?

“I live in a country that believed it was smart to invite Donald Trump over for a state visit to begin with,” he adds, “oh, and is still committed to delivering on the will of the people from three years ago even though the advisory poll has been shown to be full of criminality and broken promises and is almost guaranteed to mean the end of the NHS. None of that seems very clever to me. I think we’ll just keep the score down in the 40’s for a while. At least until the UK wises up again.”

FOX TV ROTS THE BRAIN : The world’s largest spoiled brat arrived in London today in order to throw a tantrum lasting several days on the other side of the famous transatlantic pond.

Reacting swiftly to the news of the over indulged, orange faced muppet’s arrival, the Mayor of London, Sadiq Khan, sensibly placed a crack team of Oompa Loompas on high alert.

“Even now the Oompa Loompas are reworking the lyrics to Mike Teavee’s song, as that’s felt to be the most appropriate one from the Roald Dahl Guide to Dealing with Sociopathic Toddlers.”

We should say now how thankful we are for the existence of that famous song book, as we’re about to reproduce lines from it heavily, with some modifications to suit.

And to get a sense of how the Oompa Loompas are going, we spoke to one of the team.

“We’ll be ready by the time the cheeto faced shitgibbon goes ape in a burger store,” the diminutive powerhouse said, “the most important thing we’ve learned, so far as giant toddlers are concerned, is never, NEVER, NEVER let them watch FOX News. Or better still, just don’t let the idiot child near a television set at all.”

And what about Donnie Drumpf?

“He’s a rotten egg. And you can see why. He sits and stares and stares and sits hypnotised by FOX, until he’s essentially drunk with all the shocking, ghastly fake news junk.”

So how do you see it playing out with Donnie? Will he make it to the end of his London tour without the intervention of your crack team?

“No chance. He’s already flinging scat about on Twitter towards the Mayor of the city hosting him,” the Oompa Loompa observed, “it’s clear his senses are rotted in his head. His imagination is stone dead. He’s clogged and cluttered in the mind. He’s essentially dull and blind and can no longer understand reality from his fantasy, fairyland.”

So you’ll be rolling him away any minute? Or carrying him away if he shrinks as much as Mike Teavee did?

“He can’t really shrink anymore than he has though. Have you seen his tiny hands? If he can’t get his hands on the NHS he’ll throw a major tantrum. That’s when we’ll be singing our song. And it’ll serve him right. Oompa Loompa, do-ba-dee-doo, I’ve got a perfect puzzle for you.
Oompa Loompa, do-ba-dee-dee,
If you are wise you’ll listen to me.
What do you get when you guzzle down Fox…”

Good luck Oompa Loompas, you’ll be getting the call to song any moment.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pvS3j8VtanM

STAMPED, SIGNED, SEALED AND DELIVERED : The US Postal Service has announced today that it has narrowed the choice of photo for the 45th Presidential commemorative stamp down to four images of the current US president.

“It’s a little controversial,” a source at the postal service revealed exclusively to LCD Views, “as one of the images still in the running has the 45th President of our great (again) country topless and with an animal.”

The final selection will be made after a public ballot and it’s thought the design team at the postal service are hopeful people will go for one of the more traditional images, ie, fully clothed and without an animal.

”I personally think we should have kept the selection in house,” the source added, “we should have learned from what happened when the limeys asked the people to name that boat, Boaty McBoaty Boatface, or whatever it was, and then they had to over rule the public and simply call the boat Trevor.”

But learn lessons from across the pond, before their own public vote, it appears the US didn’t, and now a half nude president could be on a letter arriving at your house later this year.

”I’m also not happy that both Kim Jong-un, MSB and that big baby blimp were eliminated prior to the public vote. Any of them would have done to symbolise the 45th presidency.”

Voting runs until the end of the month so head along and cast your ballot.

But what happens if the 45th President is finally impeached while the stamps are still in circulation?

”Well, it won’t change who is president unless the impeachment is successful, it’ll still be the guy with the horse.”

OUT OF SIGHT AND OUT OF MIND : The US navy has responded to the recent order from the White House to conceal the identity of the USS John McCain.

“Seriously? If the order came from the White House than it came from the so called Commander in Chief,” an unidentified source at the Yokosuka base in Japan told LCD Views, “haven’t those idiots ever heard of hoods? We know Donald has a lot of friends who like wearing a certain kind of hood, much to our embarrassment. Surely it would be easier in future just to hood Donald, but not a hood with eyeholes.”

Horse blinders were also suggested to protect the big orange snowflake’s precious little ego. Perhaps just a simple blindfold would suffice?

“Or he could stay home. That would save us all a lot of face. Keep golfing until your impeachment. Or set him up a Truman Show type world? He can be president in there. The ratings would be so, so big, no one has ever seen ratings that big.”

The Truman Show solution to the Trump presidency is a decent one and would be worth however much it costs.

“Do they even think about the impact on the morale of the men and woman serving on that warship? They have to be hidden from sight? This is modern America? We can’t even show our face now.”

But POTUS was not immune to concerns over the feelings of the serving men and women. In particular those serving on a warship named after a veteran who famously endured suffering while serving that his privileged background could have prevented, had he allowed it to.

“Donald is having to rest, now he’s thought about it,” a White House source revealed, “the thought of what his thin skinned, vindictive narcissism may have done to the those serving under his command? It’s caused his bone spurs to flare up real good. People should think about that, the next time, before they casually bite back.”

Plans to cover the entirety of the Statue of Liberty in a giant shawl until Trump has left office are also under consideration, because there’s nothing about the famous lady and what she symbolises that doesn’t upset the old orange fart.

LOST IN THOUGHT : Twitter is coming under renewed lobbying today to increase Donald Trump’s tweet character limit from 280 to 280K characters, so he never leaves his toilet again.

”He’ll go in tomorrow morning as usual in the small hours to start tweeting insanities at the world and just never come back out,” leader of the campaign, Mrs Grammer told LCD Views, “we reckon if he’s baited with a pro-Obama story just before he goes inside the little room that’ll be it. Game, set and match.”

In order to really bait the hook the team behind the campaign are working on hacking into the FOX ‘news’ channel to run the Obama puff piece through Trump’s only outward gazing window to the world.

Twitter itself is tight lipped about the proposal, with rumours circulating that they’re inclined to say no.

”Trump is good for business,” Mrs Grammer acknowledged, “and with another president, having such an infinite view into their mind would be amazing. Say Abraham Lincoln? Although he was famously shy of social media channels, not setting up any of them. With Trump it’s a different story. Every tweet is a clear argument to just get that lunatic out of office, but still he stays. For now.”

LCD Views would like to commend the team behind the initiative. It’s about time someone took action to distract the mad baboon and make the world a safer place.

But if by some chance Trump does finish the giant tweet in his lifetime, we’ll be sure to retweet it.

ALL THAT GLITTERS : Donald Trump is reported to bee “unrepentant” and “on the toilet with a smart phone” today after keen eyed Twitter followers spotted a glaring error inn his early morning tweet pardoning disgraced 1960’s businessman Auric Goldfinger.

Its believed the decision too pardon the megalomaniac businessman came after Trump watched an olde documentary on Goldfinger’s 1960’s scheme to corner the gold market.

”It’s the shared love of gold that did it,” a Trump analyst commented, “although initially dismissive over the absence of tower blocs in Mr Goldfinger’s property portfolio, Mr Trump was drawn to the panache with witch he manages his global empire, his keen eye four hiring the wright people for the job, and of course the company he keeps.”

Butt the decision too announce the pardon on Twitter was when the trouble started.

”If you try hard you can make mow sound like now, if you squint when you speak,” a Trump fan defended the president, “and lets me fare, for a Trump tweet is was goodish on the speling and grammer frontage.”

Why Trump’s attention was drawn to Goldfinger at this time isn’t entirely clear, but it’s believed to do with rising tensions in the Golf and how speculators turn to gold in times of crisis.

All that said, as Mr Goldfinger was convicted in absentia by a British court, it’s knot even kleer if POTUS has the jurisdiction to pardon him.

”I don’t think that really matters,” our analyst observed, “So long ass the GOP back Trump, the legality of the decision isn’t under question. Mr Goldfinger played a clever hand when he mentioned in a recent press interview that he thought Trump steaks were the bestest, he only flies Trump Air and he will be sending his children to Trump university. Flattery will get you everywhere.”

At the time of writing Trump was attempting to locate and hire Goldfinger’s former head off security, Odd Job, because he really likes his hat.

AIRPORT SECURITY: Urgent questions are being asked of just how lax the security at JFK International Airport, New York, is after the Statue of Liberty was spotted boarding a plane to Charles de Gaulle Airport, France.

No less (because you can’t get less) than President Trump was at the forefront of a twitter storm after photos of the famous statue began appearing all over social media.

”She was in a real rush,” a fellow commuter told LCD Views, “she shoved my Jean out of the way and took our place in the check-in queue. I was going to say something, but then I saw her expression and thought it’s probably best to let it go.”

How exactly a 93m statue holding a flaming torch was allowed to proceed through check-in, security and then to the boarding gate and onto the Air France flight is uppermost in the questions demanding answers.

”It’s because she’s famous,” Jean’s husband reckons, “you can do pretty much anything you want if you’re famous. People just let you do it.”

And Jean’s husband’s theory seems a likely reason for the blatant failure to stop a giant, enraged metal woman with a flaming torch from boarding the flight. Mostly because of who said something similar during their presidential campaign.

”Do you fault the good lady?” the statue of Winston Churchill, on College Green, posted on its twitter account, “I’m packing my bags too and heading for the continent. I’m done with obvious thieving, lying, useless idiot chancers being given currency in our political establishment. I’m off to seclusion to write about the dangers and plan the resistance.”

At the time of going to print the French government was tight lipped and refusing to comment. But already on Twitter photos are appearing of a monumental green woman standing next to the Eiffel Tower like she’s just minding her own business…

Donald Trump’s ego has often been compared to a mountain, but his latest move has proven that to be true in a very literal sense, as he has just signed an executive order to have his face carved into Mount Rushmore.

The announcement was made last night. In his statement to the press he said:

“Look, it’s time we updated some of our national menthol – uh, menu – uh, tourist places to be more in tune with modern times. Washington, Jefferson, Lincoln, Roosevelt, sure they were OK presidents back in the day but we’ve had better since then. Hey, you’ve got the bestest one of all right here right now, and it’s time we updated Mount Rushmore to reflect who’s the best president ever.”

When asked if he was planning to add his face from scratch or replace an existing president, he answered:

“Doing it from scratch would take too long, so we’re putting my face in place of Abe Lincoln’s. There’s a lot of good reasons for this, for starters he’s the one that I’m most like, and for another, someone tells me he was president before Roosevelt but comes after him on the cliff, and that’s just silly. So really putting my face over his would neaten the whole thing up so that the faces are in order.”

The fact about Lincoln being president before Roosevelt but depicted after him on the cliff may be the truest thing Trump has ever said, although even then he’s only using it to justify his own ego.

Rumours are unconfirmed that he plans to replace the other presidents’ faces with images of his own family, and even rename the monument Mount Trumpmore.

The original Mount Rushmore took fourteen years to sculpt. Given the complexities of the redesign, not to mention the legal issues, the resculpt may not be finished in Trump’s lifetime, making this project all set to be the biggest waste of time and money in the history of the world.

In another unconfirmed rumour, the engineers tasked with this project are apparently going to take their time in the initial design phase, and not authorise any physical sculpting on the cliff until Trump is absolutely 100% happy with the proposed likeness.

After all, nobody in their right mind really wants to ruin a national monument.