Category: Donald Trump

The news wires are fizzing this evening with news of a historic, if brief, encounter of the culinary kind after a trio of aliens landed on the White House lawn, but left immediately after seeing what was on the menu.

“President Donald Trump seemed very pleased to see the aliens,” our White House correspondent reports, “and even rushed outside to greet them. Anything to alleviate the boredom of being all alone at home, due to his government shut down, with only secret service personal there to guard him.”

It seems the guards aren’t talking to Mr Trump due to missing their pay cheques and the famous attention seeker is starting to feel it.

”But in spite of Mr Trump’s warm, if slightly frantic, open hand of whatever he thinks is friendship, the aliens weren’t staying for long.”

The aliens, named locally by extraterrestrial researchers, as Zaaarg, BLaaarg (silent B) and Carafe (it means something else where they come from) had expected to dine with the individual research said was leader of Earth, but they weren’t expecting to eat what greeted them on arrival.

”Imagine travelling millions of light years to reach Earth, anticipating a momentous meal as two alien cultures get to know each other, only to arrive and find there’s just trash on the menu? No wonder they turned right around and went back home.”

But it wasn’t a White House stuffed full of cold Big Macs that put Zaaarg, BLaaarg (silent B) and Carafe (it means something else where they come from) off staying to dine.

”It was Donald Trump,” our correspondent informs us, “the aliens customary way of making contact with a new world is to eat the brain of the most powerful chief, but there was no way they were (in Blaaarg’s words) dining on junk food like that.”

And besides, it’s not like there would have been enough to go around anyway.

There have been many denunciations of Donald Trump from many sources since he took office, but the latest one has to be the most galling yet.

The latest country to speak out against Trump is Cloud Cuckoo Land. Their president, a Ms Hedda Parse, gave the following statement to the assembled press last night.

“On behalf of the entire population of Cloud Cuckoo Land, I hereby state that Mr Trump is a fantasist, believing in things that are completely impossible with unfounded optimism, as typified by his obsession with a border wall. Castles in the air are our job!”

The source of this denunciation is particularly striking, given the general nature of Cloud Cuckoo Land’s inhabitants.

“It has long been held,” Ms Parse acknowledged, “that we, the people of Cloud Cuckoo Land have our heads, quite literally, in the clouds, and are blind to some harsh realities, and some of our citizens can be said to justify that claim, I admit. However, each and every one of us is a hardened cynic in comparison to Donald Trump. He never considers the actual effort required to carry out his ideas, or the consequences of these same ideas.”

Mr Trump responded in his usual manner, that is to say by tweeting angrily about his denouncers:

“FAKE NEWS ALERT! The people of Cold Turkey Cloud are just a bunch of sissies who have done nothing to make the world a better place. Sad!”

At least we assume that Cold Turkey Cloud was meant to be Cloud Cuckoo Land.

Mr Trump then tweeted:
“We’ll see how optimistic they are when we nuke the clouds they live in.”

Mr Trump has apparently already authorised an actual attack on the clouds, scheduled to commence next week.

We assume that the nebulous empire will in future be known as Mushroom Cloud Cuckoo Land.

Mass hysteria and mass eye bleeds are reported AROUND THE WORLD as a photo of how Elvis Presley looks now hits social media and causes so much harm to the delicate balance of the Western Hemisphere it’s uncertain as we go to print how long it will take to restore.

”Wise men say this photo is the last thing the world needs now,” LCD Views icons correspondent reports, “the photo of Mr Presley, presumed deceased by a percentage of the global population since sometime in the 1970’s, and not by lunatics, has immediately hounded fans like a dog.”

The photo itself has only emerged in the last couple of hours and is causing people to not be able to help falling out of love with a figure once assumed untouchable.

”It’s certainly going to make for a blue Christmas in the Presley household, regardless of who is present,” our icons correspondent continues, “it can only be hoped blue snowflakes start falling the next time the resurrected Elvis “the pelvis” makes a surprise public appearance, so as to obscure camera lens and spare the world a repetition of a sight no one needs to see, as it’s enough to quench even the hottest burning love.”

But even as we go to print suspicious minds are asking if this image of a giant arse isn’t actually the famous rocker but the current president of the United States, Donald Trump, who with all due modesty recently compared himself in his dangerous, dementia revealing ramblings to Elvis Presley?

”If that is the case than I can only say the photo of 45rpm has been released by Mr Trump’s own people in an attempt to distract from today’s Manafort revelations and the increasing likelihood of the current occupier of the White House doing the jailhouse rock.”

 

Donald Trump has much in common with the common man. For example, damp weather makes his joints hurt. This is not an unusual occurrence in a man of 72, but, on this occasion, Trump claimed that rain causing pain in his infamous bone spurs meant he had to cancel a visit to a French cemetery.

As normal with Trump, nothing is quite the way it seems. One Twitter user reminded the POTUS that his bone spurs had healed. “The pain is where they used to be,” Trump tweeted back. “Phantom pain is worse than regular pain. I hurt worser than everybody else. Sad!”

The White House attempted to explain the no-show by asserting that Marine 1, the presidential helicopter, was unable to take off due to bad weather. Melania allegedly confirmed that this is not the first time that Donald couldn’t get it up.

Disgruntled former White House staff have suggested that the real reason for Trump’s absence was vanity. “His hair melts when it comes into contact with water,” said former aide Lou Slipps. “Seriously. He looks like there’s custard on his head. And his fake tan runs when it rains, like mascara when you cry.”

The fact remains that Donald Trump, the president who is unable to handle an umbrella, failed to attend the ceremony. Oddly, he managed to overcome his pain barrier to attend another ceremony 24 hours later, with no complaints. Even more oddly, Vladimir Putin was present at this subsequent event. It seems like Trump dare not snub his boss.

However, President Macron was pleased with the presence of his guest. “Donald eez zis very funny man,” Macron said. “’E told us ‘is life ‘istorie over, ‘ow you say, brunch. My Eenglish eez being not so good, because ‘alf ze time I sought ‘e was talking ze gibberish!”

Donald Trump. Just the man to rain on your parade.

We’re used to Donald Trump being very lavish when it comes to spending money on himself, especially other people’s money, that much is well known. But his latest indulgence for once has a practical benefit.

His latest tailoring bill includes several items made with asbestos.

In a recent development, he has decided that he requires asbestos incorporated into all his trousers and underwear.

“It was a great decision and a necessary one,” he told the press. “My pants used to catch fire at the darnedest times. Usually when I was in the middle of a speech. So I called my tailor and said to him these pants you’re making for me a defecating – I mean defenceless – I mean defec – uh, they don’t work. They keep catching fire and they shouldn’t do that. I need want pants that won’t catch fire and I need them now.”

It was no exaggeration, as his tailor recalls Trump made the call sans pants.

“It was a surreal moment,” recalls tailor Will Dressham. “He was calling me and ordering me to make him some new pants right there and then. And he had absolutely nothing on downstairs, it had all just burnt away to nothing. Apparently all his pants had done the same thing, so he told me his people were going to pick me up to work on new fireproof pants for him. They just came and took me away and wouldn’t let me leave until I’d designed and made some pants for him that were guaranteed not to catch fire when he was talking.”

Mr Dressham managed to resist the temptation of pulling an emperor’s new clothes style prank on him, because he knew Trump would not let him get away with it.

“I had to put a lot of asbestos into them. I had to get the asbestos especially woven into usable threads, and it wasn’t easy. I first tried infusing regular pants with a small amount of asbestos, just enough to fireproof things usually, but they still burst into flames when he started talking. Fortunately for me I warned him beforehand that this was a first attempt and that we’d prepared a standby fire crew. I told him I’d up the percentage of asbestos in his pants until it worked. I had to make them entirely out of asbestos in the end but we got there, fireproof pants.”

The story doesn’t quite end there however. As Will Dressham continues:

“He still hasn’t paid me for the job. That guy owes me thousands of dollars for all the man hours and materials I put into this. I have a wife and family to support! I’m suing his fireproofed ass off if he doesn’t pay!”

Mr Trump’s response:

“He should have made them softer. These pants may be fireproof but they’re very rough, especially in certain areas.”

Certain small areas no doubt.

“I will deal with him, one way or another.”

Mr Dressham was last reported to be undergoing a change of identity and emigrating.

Donald Trump has signed a few eyebrow-raising executive orders since taking office, but this latest one is the most random yet.

His latest executive order is to change the name of the state of Alabama.

At a press conference he explained his decision.

“Look, Alabama is a great state, almost as great as South Carolina, but it’s just got the worst name, you know? It’s named after Allah and Obama – and you can’t get a worse combination than that, I should know. I’ve had the governor of Alabama calling me ever since I took office, begging me to have the state’s name changed, he’s been saying to me Donald, you’re the greatest president in the history of America, so you’re the one man who can do something about this stupid name our state has, can you please rename it? I’ve had a lot on my plate, you know, a lot of golf to play, a lot of attacks to make on Crooked Hillary and so forth, but it’s always been there in the back of my mind. Finally I have managed to make the time to do this, and the state of Alabama is no more.”

So what has it been renamed to?

Trump was quick to answer.

“It’s goodbye Alabama, hello Donaldchrist. It used to be named after Allah and Obama, so why not change that by giving it the best name in the world, naming it after myself and Jesus, who would really have approved of the name by the way. He would have loved what I’ve done with the place. Jesus would have said to me Donald, you know what, you’re the next Christ. And I’d have told him yes I know, I’m carrying on your good ideas and correcting your bad ones, you know what I mean”

Yes Donald, we know exactly what you mean.

Trump continued:

“Because Jesus did get a few things wrong, he was way too soft on people of different faiths. He should have annihilated those Muslims when he had the chance. If he’d done that, I’d be having a much easier time now as president, let me tell you. If the bible had said, and lo and behold, Jesus smote and smote until not a single Muslim was left standing, well, that would have been amazing.”

It would indeed have been a clever trick for Jesus to wipe out a people who didn’t come into existence until over half a millennium after the events described in the bible.

As for Alabama, or rather Donaldchrist, the new name will take effect on Thanksgiving Day, when AL will become – you guessed it – DT.

Our thoughts and prayers go out to the good people of that state.

Since taking office, Donald Trump has signed a lot of eyebrow-raising executive orders, but this latest one has to be the most shocking yet.

Last night’s press briefing confirmed that he had signed an executive order banning all forms of satire in the U.S.

“Satire is fake news,” he said. “And we should start punishing it severely, as with all fake news. This ban will affect satire in any way, shape or form. TV, newspapers, internet, anything. Anything mocking the president of the United States of America will get a mandatational – uh, no, menstruational – uh, no, mental, that’s it, a mental 45-year prison sentence.”

We think he meant mandatory, but the word he settled on was probably more fitting. Oh well, many a true word is spoken in jest so they say.

He was also quick to deny rumours that he was following the example of the king of Saudi Arabia, who had announced a similar ban just the day before.

“I am not copying him,” Trump insisted. “If anything, I gave him the idea, I just had some golf to play before I got round to announcing mine.”

Unfortunately for Trump, this ban will not be applicable on satirical sources outside the U.S. – and most Western leaders have laughed at his request that they send anyone mocking him to America to stand trial.

“He is a public figure,” Canadian prime minister Justin Trudeau commented. “He must be prepared to put up with some ridicule, it comes with the territory.”

Almost all European leaders have condemned Trump’s move on the same grounds. The only exception is Theresa May.

US president Donald Trump announced Monday that he had forced Saudi Arabia into humiliating concessions in return for continuing to receive US arms shipments following the murder of Saudi journalist Jamal Kashoggi in Istanbul.

“Just spoke to the King of Saudia – he denies everything, which is fine, but I forced him to take on full responsibility for White House press relations,” announced US President Donald Trump, adding that the Saudis had even promised to supply all their own “rogues”, and bone saws.

“That’s the art of the deal folks, you play tough, you win bigly concessions,” he smirked, confirming that as a result he would of course be firing all his press spokespeople, and as a result was eagerly anticipating a sea change in media coverage of his presidency.

“Fake news CNN, Washington Post and New York Times should take this as a heads up, if you get my drift,” he winked.

From now on, he explained, he was expecting media coverage to be “all peachy”, and less “impeachment”.

Saudi Journalist Jamal Kashoggi has not been seen since he entered the Saudi consulate in Istanbul last week.

Turkish sources have alleged that he was murdered in the consulate grounds and his dismembered body removed in boxes and flown back to Saudi Arabia.

While Saudi officials initially insisted that Kashoggi had left the consulate voluntarily, subsequent reports have suggested he may have been victim of a “rogue operation”.

Commenting on her recent receipt of a presidential tweet bearing the simple message “You’re fired!”, now former White House Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders was sanguine.

“Given the nature of recent events I choose to view my sudden involuntary change of career trajectory as a positive,” she explained.

“It’s certainly not something I’m going to lose my head over,” she added, cracking a smile with the sincerity of rigor mortis on the the face of a dead Yemeni child.

LCD Views can report this morning that extensive laboratory testing carried out overnight on the toilet paper stuck to Donald Trump’s sole has shown it to be far cleaner than his soul.

”It was just an ungodly mess,” Professor Seint Petyr of the Hades Institute for Judging People told LCD Views,

“in all my years of work, both in the field and in the lab, I’ve rarely seen some two-ply paper which was inadvertently dropped on the floor rather than in the bowl in this condition.”

The Professor showed us a series of slides at this point. We have chosen not to reproduce because we are a clean and hygienic publication.

”How the paper managed to remain intact and stuck to the shoe of the serial draft dodging, misogynistic tax evader is anyone’s guess. We can’t even guess and we’re experts! So once we set to comparison of the paper and the soul of the dog whistling racist, white supremacy advocating president who somehow still made it into the Oval Office in spite of being on tape confessing to serial sexual harassments, well, we had to hold our noses. Nothing really prepared us for what we found embedded in the crinkles and folds of Donald Trump’s soul. Quite amazing. I doubt even the strongest bleach will remove the accumulation of hate peddling, self serving shit that adheres there. External fire may burn it off, but would probably result in the destruction also of the underlying substance. And then think of how efficient the ventilation will need to be.”

Given the devastating results of the analysis, we thought it only fair to allow the paper itself comment.

”I couldn’t believe it,” the toilet paper that was stuck to the President of the United State’s shoe said, “I don’t know how much Soros paid the numerous aides and security accompanying the president not to mention to him he had me stuck to his sole before he was filmed? But I would hazard a guess at nothing at all. They presumably just keep quiet and tried not to laugh out loud,

”I mean if you were one of that big child’s minders who had to constantly contend with his tantrums, wouldn’t you?”