Category: Donald Trump

We’re used to Donald Trump being very lavish when it comes to spending money on himself, especially other people’s money, that much is well known. But his latest indulgence for once has a practical benefit.

His latest tailoring bill includes several items made with asbestos.

In a recent development, he has decided that he requires asbestos incorporated into all his trousers and underwear.

“It was a great decision and a necessary one,” he told the press. “My pants used to catch fire at the darnedest times. Usually when I was in the middle of a speech. So I called my tailor and said to him these pants you’re making for me a defecating – I mean defenceless – I mean defec – uh, they don’t work. They keep catching fire and they shouldn’t do that. I need want pants that won’t catch fire and I need them now.”

It was no exaggeration, as his tailor recalls Trump made the call sans pants.

“It was a surreal moment,” recalls tailor Will Dressham. “He was calling me and ordering me to make him some new pants right there and then. And he had absolutely nothing on downstairs, it had all just burnt away to nothing. Apparently all his pants had done the same thing, so he told me his people were going to pick me up to work on new fireproof pants for him. They just came and took me away and wouldn’t let me leave until I’d designed and made some pants for him that were guaranteed not to catch fire when he was talking.”

Mr Dressham managed to resist the temptation of pulling an emperor’s new clothes style prank on him, because he knew Trump would not let him get away with it.

“I had to put a lot of asbestos into them. I had to get the asbestos especially woven into usable threads, and it wasn’t easy. I first tried infusing regular pants with a small amount of asbestos, just enough to fireproof things usually, but they still burst into flames when he started talking. Fortunately for me I warned him beforehand that this was a first attempt and that we’d prepared a standby fire crew. I told him I’d up the percentage of asbestos in his pants until it worked. I had to make them entirely out of asbestos in the end but we got there, fireproof pants.”

The story doesn’t quite end there however. As Will Dressham continues:

“He still hasn’t paid me for the job. That guy owes me thousands of dollars for all the man hours and materials I put into this. I have a wife and family to support! I’m suing his fireproofed ass off if he doesn’t pay!”

Mr Trump’s response:

“He should have made them softer. These pants may be fireproof but they’re very rough, especially in certain areas.”

Certain small areas no doubt.

“I will deal with him, one way or another.”

Mr Dressham was last reported to be undergoing a change of identity and emigrating.

Donald Trump has signed a few eyebrow-raising executive orders since taking office, but this latest one is the most random yet.

His latest executive order is to change the name of the state of Alabama.

At a press conference he explained his decision.

“Look, Alabama is a great state, almost as great as South Carolina, but it’s just got the worst name, you know? It’s named after Allah and Obama – and you can’t get a worse combination than that, I should know. I’ve had the governor of Alabama calling me ever since I took office, begging me to have the state’s name changed, he’s been saying to me Donald, you’re the greatest president in the history of America, so you’re the one man who can do something about this stupid name our state has, can you please rename it? I’ve had a lot on my plate, you know, a lot of golf to play, a lot of attacks to make on Crooked Hillary and so forth, but it’s always been there in the back of my mind. Finally I have managed to make the time to do this, and the state of Alabama is no more.”

So what has it been renamed to?

Trump was quick to answer.

“It’s goodbye Alabama, hello Donaldchrist. It used to be named after Allah and Obama, so why not change that by giving it the best name in the world, naming it after myself and Jesus, who would really have approved of the name by the way. He would have loved what I’ve done with the place. Jesus would have said to me Donald, you know what, you’re the next Christ. And I’d have told him yes I know, I’m carrying on your good ideas and correcting your bad ones, you know what I mean”

Yes Donald, we know exactly what you mean.

Trump continued:

“Because Jesus did get a few things wrong, he was way too soft on people of different faiths. He should have annihilated those Muslims when he had the chance. If he’d done that, I’d be having a much easier time now as president, let me tell you. If the bible had said, and lo and behold, Jesus smote and smote until not a single Muslim was left standing, well, that would have been amazing.”

It would indeed have been a clever trick for Jesus to wipe out a people who didn’t come into existence until over half a millennium after the events described in the bible.

As for Alabama, or rather Donaldchrist, the new name will take effect on Thanksgiving Day, when AL will become – you guessed it – DT.

Our thoughts and prayers go out to the good people of that state.

Since taking office, Donald Trump has signed a lot of eyebrow-raising executive orders, but this latest one has to be the most shocking yet.

Last night’s press briefing confirmed that he had signed an executive order banning all forms of satire in the U.S.

“Satire is fake news,” he said. “And we should start punishing it severely, as with all fake news. This ban will affect satire in any way, shape or form. TV, newspapers, internet, anything. Anything mocking the president of the United States of America will get a mandatational – uh, no, menstruational – uh, no, mental, that’s it, a mental 45-year prison sentence.”

We think he meant mandatory, but the word he settled on was probably more fitting. Oh well, many a true word is spoken in jest so they say.

He was also quick to deny rumours that he was following the example of the king of Saudi Arabia, who had announced a similar ban just the day before.

“I am not copying him,” Trump insisted. “If anything, I gave him the idea, I just had some golf to play before I got round to announcing mine.”

Unfortunately for Trump, this ban will not be applicable on satirical sources outside the U.S. – and most Western leaders have laughed at his request that they send anyone mocking him to America to stand trial.

“He is a public figure,” Canadian prime minister Justin Trudeau commented. “He must be prepared to put up with some ridicule, it comes with the territory.”

Almost all European leaders have condemned Trump’s move on the same grounds. The only exception is Theresa May.

US president Donald Trump announced Monday that he had forced Saudi Arabia into humiliating concessions in return for continuing to receive US arms shipments following the murder of Saudi journalist Jamal Kashoggi in Istanbul.

“Just spoke to the King of Saudia – he denies everything, which is fine, but I forced him to take on full responsibility for White House press relations,” announced US President Donald Trump, adding that the Saudis had even promised to supply all their own “rogues”, and bone saws.

“That’s the art of the deal folks, you play tough, you win bigly concessions,” he smirked, confirming that as a result he would of course be firing all his press spokespeople, and as a result was eagerly anticipating a sea change in media coverage of his presidency.

“Fake news CNN, Washington Post and New York Times should take this as a heads up, if you get my drift,” he winked.

From now on, he explained, he was expecting media coverage to be “all peachy”, and less “impeachment”.

Saudi Journalist Jamal Kashoggi has not been seen since he entered the Saudi consulate in Istanbul last week.

Turkish sources have alleged that he was murdered in the consulate grounds and his dismembered body removed in boxes and flown back to Saudi Arabia.

While Saudi officials initially insisted that Kashoggi had left the consulate voluntarily, subsequent reports have suggested he may have been victim of a “rogue operation”.

Commenting on her recent receipt of a presidential tweet bearing the simple message “You’re fired!”, now former White House Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders was sanguine.

“Given the nature of recent events I choose to view my sudden involuntary change of career trajectory as a positive,” she explained.

“It’s certainly not something I’m going to lose my head over,” she added, cracking a smile with the sincerity of rigor mortis on the the face of a dead Yemeni child.

LCD Views can report this morning that extensive laboratory testing carried out overnight on the toilet paper stuck to Donald Trump’s sole has shown it to be far cleaner than his soul.

”It was just an ungodly mess,” Professor Seint Petyr of the Hades Institute for Judging People told LCD Views,

“in all my years of work, both in the field and in the lab, I’ve rarely seen some two-ply paper which was inadvertently dropped on the floor rather than in the bowl in this condition.”

The Professor showed us a series of slides at this point. We have chosen not to reproduce because we are a clean and hygienic publication.

”How the paper managed to remain intact and stuck to the shoe of the serial draft dodging, misogynistic tax evader is anyone’s guess. We can’t even guess and we’re experts! So once we set to comparison of the paper and the soul of the dog whistling racist, white supremacy advocating president who somehow still made it into the Oval Office in spite of being on tape confessing to serial sexual harassments, well, we had to hold our noses. Nothing really prepared us for what we found embedded in the crinkles and folds of Donald Trump’s soul. Quite amazing. I doubt even the strongest bleach will remove the accumulation of hate peddling, self serving shit that adheres there. External fire may burn it off, but would probably result in the destruction also of the underlying substance. And then think of how efficient the ventilation will need to be.”

Given the devastating results of the analysis, we thought it only fair to allow the paper itself comment.

”I couldn’t believe it,” the toilet paper that was stuck to the President of the United State’s shoe said, “I don’t know how much Soros paid the numerous aides and security accompanying the president not to mention to him he had me stuck to his sole before he was filmed? But I would hazard a guess at nothing at all. They presumably just keep quiet and tried not to laugh out loud,

”I mean if you were one of that big child’s minders who had to constantly contend with his tantrums, wouldn’t you?”

Donald Trump is a name that has been attached to several titles over the years, mainly in the fields of business and politics, but now it seems he’s going to try adding another string to his broken bow, that of standup comedian.

When asked why at a press conference, he replied:

“It’s simple really. I got up and started telling some jokes at the UN, and they all cheered and applauded. And then it hit me – if they want to laugh at my material, then let’s get them to pay to hear it. So I’m gonna take it on tour.”

There have been some questions raised over the jokes he would be telling. No previews were available unless people wanted to pay $45,000 upfront – which nobody did – but rumour has it Trump’s material would make Bernard Manning look positively PC by comparison. Certainly it is hard to imagine Trump punching up when he takes so much delight in punching down.

The name of the show will be President Of Laughter – assuming his spelling is corrected, as he held up a draft tour poster saying “PREZZYDUNT OF LAFFTER”.

The tour is going to start in the US, but there is talk of a few select international venues. On this side of the Pond, comedian Frankie Boyle had a recommendation.

“He should come to Glasgow and play the Empire. When they talk about comedians dying on stage there, they mean it very differently to the rest of the world.”

Well, we hope he draws the crowds he deserves. Who knows, if all goes well America could give him the same reaction they eventually gave Bill Cosby.

Americans woke gripping their cells in shock this morning after President Donald Trump accidentally sent a picture of his cock to everyone in America.

”He was supposed to just send a standard text messge saying ‘This is just a TEST DO NOT PANIC, yet’ to everyone to test FEMA’s new emergency messaging service,” keen White House observer Mr Raincoat (LCD Views US) wired from across the pond,

“But it seems as with everything else, except worsening wealth inequality via tax reform, he didn’t listen.”

The image, described by many who received it as “initially confusing and then horrifying”, appeared to have been taken in a small, tiled room and with a smart phone.

”It’s a great advert for Viagra,” Mr Raincoat observes, “medical science really can work wonders these days.”

Although after horror, laughter was generally next, as one of President Trump’s hands was also in the image.

”The cock is clearly small,” Mr Raincoat says, “but given it’s only about half the size of the hand, also well known to be strangely undersized, it does help explain a few things in terms of 45’s erratic and bullying behaviour in his private life and since becoming President. Still, at least he didn’t text out the nuclear launch codes.”

It’s believed follow up tests will now be undertaken, hopefully without images.

”Mike Pence is expected to send the follow ups in the weeks to come as he’s likely to be president pretty soon following the flipping of Manafort,

”Although that said, he maybe running with Trump for asylum in the nearest Russian embassy too, depending on what all the rats have told Mueller.”

Toad Hall was rocked by a fresh scandal last night as a mystery individual released an anonymous statement to the Riverside Times, blasting the current owner of Toad Hall, Mr Toad, accusing him of gross instability.

The article details Mr Toad’s obsession with motor cars, claiming that he has a dangerous driver. This is borne out by verified statistics that he has crashed seven cars in a matter of months, all through speeding, of which three put him in hospital.

Mr Toad has reacted to these claims in what has by now become his customary manner, on twitter. He issued the following tweet on the subject:

“Me, crash motor cars? Fake news. I’m the safest driver you’ll ever meet. And fast – so fast, I’ll drive you home after lunch and you’ll be there safe and sound before it starts digesting, poop-poop!”

The identity of the alleged mole has not been confirmed, but the chief suspects are Mr Badger, Mole and Ratty.

All three had something to say on the matter. Mole told the press:

“It’s disgusting. The story comes out that there’s a mole in Toad Hall and straight away everybody assumes it’s me just because I’m a mole. Well, yes, I am a mole, but I’m not the mole, I’m not that kind of mole!”

Badger shrugged his shoulders and said:

“I don’t know or care who it is, what he’s saying about Toad is perfectly true, so I’m 100% behind him. Toad is unfit for the high status he has been accorded, and needs to be taught a lesson.”

Ratty meanwhile said:

“We’ve all tried getting Toady to relax, but every time he hears a car horn, he gets an adrenaline rush. We’re considering taking drastic action.”

The remaining suspects are all weasels, who have been behaving in a rather shifty manner of late. There is rumour abound that some of them have been talking about taking over Toad Hall, but this rumour is as yet unsubstantiated. In any event, it looks like the next few weeks could very well land Mr Toad in hot water.

President Donald Trump has underlined in bold his reputation, already in italics, for business acumen today with his tweet announcing he has listed the White House on famed app AirBnB.

”So, so, so many rooms. Just the GRATEST ROOMS,” 45 tweeted early this morning, “All FRSHELY PAINTED in red, white and blue paint. Great prices. To DIE FOR PRICES.”

The motivation for listing the White House is believed to be obvious.

”The President’s credit rating is plummeting faster than his poll rating after he didn’t miss the latest opportunity to trash a veteran,” seasoned White House watcher, Mr Pepper, told LCD Views.

“It’s believed even sanctioned Russian banks may soon decide he’s too big a risk to launder money through and just stick to shoving it all in the London property market.”

This has led to concerns amongst the Trump family about how to pay for what will soon be an avalanche of legal shit breaking across their door stoop.

”In the series of tweets advertising the rooms in the White House for short term rent via AirBnB, Trump explains most of them are empty rooms anyway.”

Just the most boring rooms to sit in. National security meetings. Environmental planning. Economic management.

”They give me the ZZZZ’s,” Trump joshed, “and I don’t mean the ZZ Tops! I fall asleep in these rooms all the time if I don’t get a DIET COKE fast enough. So if I can sleep in them, why can’t everyone?”

If the move is successful there are further plans to place a TRUMP Tower sign across the famous White House and just turn it into a proper hotel in the brand.

AirBnB haven’t commented yet on the listing, although they are understood to be under pressure already by whiny, little snowflakes over Trump’s extensive list of the types of people who will not be allowed to book a room.

”Everyone is making money off me being bored to death in the Oval Office. Why can’t I do it to? It’s the only reason I wanted to get elected! And you never know you’re luck. If you stay in one of MY SPECIAL ROOMS…I may just visit you in the night.”

LCD Views can report this morning that man of the people Nigel Farage has issued a statement denying ever having met President Donald Trump.

In the statement, written in Cyrillic and read out aloud via a translator on Mr Farage’s hourly BBC bulletin, the champion of British democracy attempted to squash suggestions he was personally known to the forty fifth president of the United States of America, who appears to be having some minor legal issues.

Why Mr Farage had someone else read out his statement and didn’t personally do it is not clear, but is presumed to be related to him frenetically packing a bag and trying to book a flight to anywhere.

We spoke to a world renowned psychologist who specialises in adult male relationships, coincidentally focused on organised crime and conspiracies in international statecraft, to learn more about the attempt to create distance.

”Nigel is working on the tried and tested formula of treat ‘em mean and keep ‘em keen,” Doctor Whatthefuckisthisdoyouhaveitinamedium? told us via a secure Skype connection,

“he believes that Mr Trump will be in need of friends right now. Nigel is also in need of friends. He’s hoping that by allegedly publicly lying about his alleged work as a go-between in an international kleptocratic, fascist conspiracy to turn the U.K. and USA into countries with feudal systems of government focused on money laundering and far right politics it will lead to Mr Trump reaching out to him to shore up his own position as the long arm of the law encircles Trump ever more tightly. Although it’s more likely Trump is just going to throw Mr Farage and anyone else he can think of under a bus as he spirals down insane into the pit he’s spent a lifetime digging.”

What you’ve said Doctor is mostly a jumble of nonsense except for the ending. Do you think it’s feasible that when the long arm of the law has finished encircling Trump and holding him tight the fingertips will brush Nigel’s shoulders?

”Highly probable the nails will dig right in actually,” the Doctor replied, “and grip and drag Nigel down wailing and screaming into a legal abyss focused on treason along with certain other prominent Brexiters.”

You can already see the mini-series on TV.

”Yes. Which is nice, because otherwise it would have been the face of Big Brother.”

We would like to personally wish Mr Farage luck and hope his butt checks aren’t currently clenched so tight as to cause him injury.