“I didn’t think such savagery was humanly possible,” a traumatised Donald Trump told reporters, via interpreter, today, “but he just took it all. Everything that means anything to me. All I love. My heart is in pieces. It’s hard to see a way forward. That plate of hamburgers was irreplaceable.”
It’s not believed the trauma will impact Donald Trump’s ability to govern, something he resolutely refuses to do anyway, but it is believed making good the loss could add to the already astronomical US debt, and not in a way that pleases the international coterie of sociopathic billionaires and kleptomaniacs that installed Trump in office to begin with.
”Anyone, anyone at all who saw anything please come forward and contact the police,” 45 added, now weeping in front of reporters,
“as he ran away with my burgers he shouted ‘Rouble! Rouble!’, I’m not sure what it meant?
”but to you Mister Hamburglar, on no account take those burgers across the border with Mexico. I’ll pay any ransom you demand. I’ll even collude with you to defraud the American people democratically, and deny it later, but please, please do not hurt my babies.”
But while the vicious break and enter, and theft, has clearly left POTUS bereft, keen observers have other theories.
”If only the FBI hadn’t bungled the investigation into Hilary’s emails none of this would have happened.”
What’s Hilary’s emails got to do with the actions of the Hamburglar?
”You’re part of the deep state conspiracy too. I knew it.”
But there is a more credible explanation.
”It wasn’t the fictional Hamburglar,” our financial correspondent says, “it was a repo man sent by McDonalds after Trump stiffed them on payment of last week’s big order. If he doesn’t settle up they’ll be sending Ronald McDonald himself around next to saw the head off a horse and shove it in his bed.”