Category: Democracy

A scientist studying alternative dimensions has revealed in the current one under the microscope Theresa May’s Tory government fell seconds after Labour opposed Brexit.

”The alternative reality we have labelled ‘sane’,” Professor B Offin told LCD Views, “our own we currently call ‘F*cking Insane’.”

No surprises at the names chosen then, but what drew you to search for ‘sane’?

”A fairly common feeling,” the professor replied, “for a few years now I’ve been waking up each day and one of my first thoughts when considering our current country and world is ‘you have to be kidding me?’. I decided to do something about it.”

So what have you learned from studying the dimension of the sane?

”That the hostile environment created by the institutionally racist ruling Conservative party only survives because the official opposition, led by Jeremy “principles” Corbyn, is labouring under the delusion they have to back Brexit for various reasons of party first self interest and sod all to do with democracy.”

Interesting. What is the connection?

”Have you forgotten Brexit poster wannabe fascist ruler Nigel Farage’s ‘Breaking Point’ poster unveiled on the day Labour MP Jo Cox was butchered in the street by a far right terrorist?”

No. Never will. I was shocked that wasn’t a major turning point in the EU referendum campaign. That atrocity is Brexit to me. It’s why I resist Brexit however I can. That and many other reasons. I’m ashamed it didn’t resonate with everyone.

”Yes. In the dimension of ‘sane’ it took them a while to wake up to it also. That you can’t be both a principled politician and support the inherently racist and deceptive and ultimately murderous agenda of Brexit.”

So that dimension’s Jeremy Corbyn finally dragged the cobwebs of ideological obsession off his mind and resisted Brexit and toppled the hostile environment Tory government in seconds?

”No. Not Corbyn.”

Then who?

”David Lammy after he beat Keir Starmer in the leadership election that occurred after Labour failed to make significant gains in the May 3rd local elections, because Corbyn was wedded to Brexit.

Of course in ‘sane’ the Momentum activists are still blaming people like you who won’t bow to the lie of Brexit out of a cultish devotion to a messiah figure.”

Oh, so sane is ahead of our dimension in more than one way, but not all.

”Yes. But if we act fast we can catch up. It’s that or Global Britain is going to be a bloody small and much disliked place ruled by the powers of hate.”

Television and crime lovers are in for a treat as BBC flagship programme ‘Crimewatch’ is to film a special feature on all the horrible shit the House of Commons has been allowing to happen for years and now the perpetrators are in the spotlight.

“Boris clearly is a wanted man in connection with mass vandalism of cultural life in the U.K.,” presenter Nick Ross, who is returning to film the special, told LCD Views, “also for various criminal violations relating to bus driving. But most of the Commons is charged with pursuing the criminal destruction of the country with Brexit.”

But he’s not alone on the lamb?

”No. Pretty much the entire cabinet is featured as suspects wanted in connection with democratic vandalism and other charges.

A lot of them for just being themselves.

Gavin Williamson for the crime of being promoted beyond his abilities.

Jeremy Hunt for alleged money laundering, on top of slowly and steadily privatisating a national treasure. So mass theft of a public possession.

Michael Gove for theft of a human shell in which to carry out his harmful alien schemes.

Amber Rudd for everything the Home Office is doing. Crime growth. Mass fear, breaking of trust regarding how to treat humans. The list is pretty long. Immigration policy is pretty much a protection racket now.”

We understand Jeremy Corbyn is featured too?

”Yes. Violations of the trade description act as it applies to an official opposition leader. That’s a serious one. He’s supporting Brexit, the criminal reduction of the U.K. for asset stripping. I mean, what the actual…”

But surely Iain Duncan Smith has to feature as public enemy number one?

”He does.”

What crime is he alleged to have committed?

”The crime of being himself,” Nick said, “oh and for impersonating a wheel of cheese. The recreation of that crime is my personal favourite.”

A man has been left stunned after a time traveller appeared late last night in his study and gave him a book from the future.

“Keir is to spend the day with friends recovering,” Mr A Friend told LCD Views, “he wasn’t overly shocked by the appearance of the space suited visitor from the year 2065, but he was rocked by the contents of the book the time traveller gave him.”

It seems the book, ‘Footnotes in 21st Century British Political History’, was intended as a gift.

“It’s uncertain what the motivation of the time traveller was,” Mr Friend said, “Keir is a little worried that behind the warm smile, the handshakes and the stories about how your house will flush the toilet for you in 2065, there was also a cautionary message.”

The suspicion appears to have been roused by Keir discovering he is written about in the book.

“When the time traveler said, wink, wink, you’re in the book mate, Keir was thrilled and he eagerly opened the tome anticipating a fat chapter on his service as British prime minister from 2022 to 2033, but it wasn’t there! He was shocked.”

Well, what was there?

“Just a paragraph. A few lines about being part of the official opposition that enabled the hard right Torykip destruction of democracy in the United Kingdom in the service of far right tax dodgers, which triggered the actual dissolution of the country itself.”

But that’s not fair, Brexit is a Tory project.

“It is certainly that,” Mr Friend nodded, “but according to ‘Footnotes of 21st Century British Political History’, Jeremy Corbyn three line whipping his MPs to ensure Article 50 was triggered is viewed from the future as a dereliction of duty almost as bad as David Cameron running as fast as he could the moment he realised he’d broken everything.”

Almost?

“Almost,” Mr A Friend nodded, “it seems Keir allowed himself to be carried downstream in the flow of Brexit. The people in the future believe he should have turned around and fought the poo logs flowing to the waterfall cliff edge. You know, stuck by his principles and beliefs like an elected representative is supposed to do.”

That’s a shame. He probably hoped for a more sympathetic place in history.

“People choose their destinies.”

So where does the time traveller live now if the United Kingdom has dissolved? The Republic of Scotland? Ireland or Wales? England?

“No. England is a distant memory spoken about in fables now. The time traveller said he was from the Kingdom of Kent.”

LCD Views is proud to say we have played our part in the search for the missing United Kingdom parliament by successfully campaigning for the Palace of Westminster to feature on the entire country’s milk cartons.

“We had to do our bit,” Orange Searchlight told a late night editorial meeting at the Fudge and Fark, “it wasn’t enough to just shout from the sidelines anymore, we had to scream silently from recyclable cardboard dairy products too.”

Critics at the red tops have seized on the campaign as blatant self promotion, claiming there is no genuine concern for missing British democracy.

But they are wrong. They are traitors. They are enemies of the people.

A freephone number has been included on the inside of the carton so that anyone who spots British democracy can alert the relevant authorities immediately.

“You would have thought with the Cambridge Analytica revelations, coming after all the proven lies of the Leave campaign, the very fact the only people pushing for calamitous structural change to the United Kingdom and its place in the world being proven ideologues, and just well, all the tax dodgers and neo-fascists wanting Brexit would have been enough for parliament to stop pretending it’s run away and come home,” Green added,

“but apparently not. And now we have a prime minister using a long running and incredibly brutal conflict over identity in the middle of England to further tax dodging? Seriously? If parliament won’t come home of its own accord we will have to campaign for the people of the United Kingdom to start using their eyes and ears and find it.”

No reward is being offered for locating parliament because having a functioning, representative democracy is reward in itself.

“Just look at the countries that either lost one or never had it,” Green adds, “and stop buying the f*cking Daily Mail, Telegraph, Express and so on.”

Indeed. Keep your eyes open. You can drag democracy back to the Commons, kicking and screaming if necessary.

A woman has told LCD Views that she is just going to do whatever she likes now.

”At least until my time in office runs out,” she said, pressing the nails of her left hand so hard into her right she left a mark,

“and oh, I suppose, given how little tax my husband’s company has paid for years, I guess I’ll do whatever I like after too. We’re very rich. Even Brexit will not likely negatively impact on our choices overly much. Which is nice. Because Brexit is going to be an economic disaster. Ha!”

And what about right now?

”I’m dropping bombs right now,” she replied. “bit of the old moral outrage and a bookended event.”

You’ere talking about striking chemical weapons dumps in Syria?

”If you like,” she replied, clenching her teeth so hard you could actually hear one crack, “chemical weapons aren’t like other weapons that Assad and Putin have been using to butcher civilians.

This is why people protest against attacking chemical weapons delivery mechanisms and not the mass bombing of civilian areas.”

It’s rather convenient for you right now too.

”Yes.

The less time spent discussing Jeremy Hunt’s little flat fiasco the better. And don’t get me started on Jaguar.

We are supposed to be able to bribe our way out of the mass negatives of Brexit with patriot cheques and threats.”

Let’s stick to Syria then?

“Thanks. Once you’ve blown up some chemical stuff you can dust your hands off and say job done and go back to just selling bombs to tyrants. You know, the moral high ground.”

You’ve certainly on some sort of high ground, looks more like a precipice to me.

”It’s okay,” the woman replied, “I’ve a parachute just like many of my colleagues on both sides of the floor in parliament. No matter how crap we are at government currently.”

Your hands bleeding. Do you want a band aid?

”Not quite finished yet,” she said, digging her nails in some more, “how do I get out of this office again?”

TASTY BUSINESS : Boris Johnson MP (not especially PM) is on the way to a new home underground in the desert after a dung beetle made a successful lost property claim.

”It’s incredibly reckless,” Professor Wish Thought told LCD Views, “quite how the dung beetle expects to drag the bubbly, blonde haired improv artist of British politics into its home is anyone’s guess. I expect considerable damage to the carefully crafted, subterranean dwelling. The oxygen supply will be threatened just for a start as Mr Johnson is currently operating at the level of one big oxygen thief.”

But presumably the staff at the Home Office wouldn’t have processed the dung beetle’s claim if it wasn’t valid?

”Oh, the claim by the dung beetle certainly appears in order,” Professor Wish advised, “it says it lost Mr Johnson on a night out while he was just a small turd, and he just kept rolling about unguided in chumocracy crap and is now of course the mountain we see in operation daily.”

How are the staff at The Telegraph taking the news?

”Shrug is the most prevalent emotion,” Professor Wish, “although none of them can match the hollers and hoots of joy being heard from 10 Downing Street.”

LCD Views commends the timely actions of the dung beetle in reclaiming the giant, mobile ball of bullshit it lost and expects governance of the United Kingdom to improve as a result.

More beetles are being sought to claim other senior members of British politics, to remove them from positions of responsibility and roll them away unharmed to a new life in obscurity. Claims will be processed any time for the day or night.

The Conservative Party has hit back against ridicule over its decling membership by saying it intends to extend voting rights to boiled hams and gammon before next general election.

”This is to compensate for the anticipated loss of traditional voters that could have been expected to swing back to the Conservatives as a result of Brexit if it wasn’t for Jeremy “the principle” Corbyn saying some rather fruity things about migrants and wages,” Michael Gove told LCD Views, “and not firing frontbenchers unless they’re anti-Brexit. My wasn’t Barry “the bollocks” Gardiner lucky.”

It is certainly a bold electoral strategy and presumably designed to attract less criticism than the attempted gerrymandering of constituencies.

”It can be said to be a fair winner takes all change,” Mr Gove said, “as every party can appeal to the boiled and the tinned meat demographic with as much salt in their campaigning as they can get away with. And I’m quietly confident my party can out bigot the others.”

Asked for comment on the change, tin of ham, Mr B Iffer was pleased.

”Since UKIP has become irrelevant with both major U.K. political parties having adopted the totally non-racist agenda of Brexit, I’ve been struggling to work out who I will put an inky cross next to at the next election.”

B Iffer’s comment only provided fuel for critics of the change though.

”See, they’ve been voting already,” Mr L Centrist-Dad told us, “this is just a PR move that will fool no one who has been paying attention to British politics and it’s slow and steady descent into nationalism and idiocy.”

Mr L went on to suggest some kind of mechanism for holding lying ministers to account when the executive was too weak or self interested to would be more useful.

”That’s supposed to be the ballot box,” he sighed, “but with so much of the media dominated by tax exiles and neither Cons or Labour leadership being overly concerned, it seems, about voter manipulation I am a little worried about where we’re headed.”

The gammon is too. They don’t think we’re being ugly enough.

“Get your tin opener out and get out to vote,” Mr Gove added, “personally I think spam is going to choose wisely when the time comes. Don’t you?”

A group of friends with shared interests are happy to have longer in their current venue for their war party.

”It was looking a bit like we needed to find somewhere else to party,” one of the old men said, “like the Korean Peninsula maybe? But happily our current hosts have decided to let us stay longer.”

This is good news, with neighbours of the alternative venue pre-emptively expressing concerns about the anticipated noise of the revellers.

”I’ve a few personal problems right now,” the old man added, “so having somewhere to drop tonnes of bombs helps me face each new day. Unfortunately, a recurring condition with bone spurs stops me getting onto the dance floor personally, but I’m happy to be the DJ all night.”

But what about the others?

”I have a constant need to appear strong and stable at home,” they said together, “snap!”

The woman involved is especially pleased.

”Most people don’t know this, but I have some elections coming up soon, so showing how I can be trusted to mix it up with new moves is timely. It’s also especially good for one of my government’s key industrial strategies.”

Exportimg high explosive death to the world’s tyrannies?

”Boom!” She replied, “you know it!”

And the other fellow?

”I can’t spend all my spare time bareback on horses,” he confided, “the weather needs to be just right. So having a war party some distance away is magnificent. It gives me a chance to show what a good party planner I am. People will line up for my services. I was a little worried a few years back that I wouldn’t get invited, that an international coalition of people whinging about how the party was getting out of hand would close it down prematurely. But that didn’t happen and now I’m on the big stage again. Which I appreciate.”

Numerous friends and acquaintances of the three are also keen to get involved.

”So long as we’re sure to agree the playlist in advance,” the friends chimes, “there’s no reason we can’t potentially keep this party going on and on. The alternative is stopping it and we don’t see that as being in our interests.”

Momentum social media activists have reacted calmly to breaking news this morning of a new centre left political party.

”Do I look bothered?” F Uming told LCD Views class traitor correspondent, “we’re so left we’re so right about everything. As only we represent the people, except for anyone who doesn’t agree with us, you know scum, why would I be bothered?

People who disagree will be re-educated sooner or later. They don’t need a voice as it’s inconceivable they could have any legitimacy.”

F Uming had to stop for a moment to retweet “yellowtorytardenabler” five hundred times at someone sharing news of the new party with a positive spin on it.

So you don’t see a new centre left force in British politics as a threat?

”Only Blairite traitors would vote for them, so what’s to worry about? A rich man’s party only for the rich. Tory enabling scum.”

But some would suggest Jeremy Corbyn is enabling Theresa May’s neocon chums to push through Brexit, in spite of the unceasing evidence of the damage it is causing and will cause? You know, the long game? Is not serving our democracy.

And this is why they will not vote for Corbyn’s Labour, precisely because they believe Brexit will hurt the most vulnerable the most?

”Let’s get one thing straight. Brexit is a Tory project. Corbyn three line whipping his MPs to vote for article 50 before any preparation or real analysis of the impact was done is leadership. He dropped May right in it.”

He votes with the Tories every crunch point…

”Blairite.”

But.

”Blairite scum.”

I didn’t support the Iraq War. And I’ll save you some time, I didn’t support any of the damaging policies brought in from 2010 and believe the bankers should have been held to account for the financial crisis.

”Yellow Tory.”

You’re not addressing my concerns.

”Insulting you is how I win and means you’ll vote for us.”

No. Not when I see your leadership assisting the government in reducing the country and living standards and supporting what I believe is the tax dodger’s dream of Brexit.

Not to mention all the broken promises, lies, suspected voter manipulation wrapped up in Brexit. Also the risk to peace long term on the island of Ireland.

“Tory class traitor.”

And, given that we know half the country, and likely more if you consider polling of people who didn’t vote in the EUref of 2016, don’t want Brexit, shouldn’t the job of the official opposition be to give them a voice?

”You’re a libtard Tory shill,” F Uming won the debate, “I knew it from the moment I saw you. Blairite.”

How will Corbyn afford his social policies, which by and large most centrists and left of agree with, with Brexit?

”I’m still saying Blairite.”

That isn’t an answer.

”Of course it is. Labelling someone who questions the leader a ‘Blairite’ is the way I win every debate online. It’s how we’re going to triumph and create utopia, because who won’t vote for us? We’re so bloody sure we are right. You however, by disagreeing with me are making people homeless.”

You’re not winning me over.

“You don’t matter. Get that into your thick yellow Tory head. We are going to win. At least on Twitter once everyone who disagrees with us has blocked us and we can only talk to ourselves.”

F Uming, thank you for your time.

”Blairite.”

The once-respected BBC has sunk to a new low. Once admired worldwide for its impartial and rigorous programming, it has been reduced to serious discussion of the flat earth theory.

LCD’s Round Things correspondent, Dennis Ball, investigated the likely impact on Global Britain.

“The BBC has sunk to a new low,” Ball began. “Against an astrophysicist, they balanced the panel by including a conspiracy theorist, a woman who thinks the Earth balances on the back of a turtle, and Nigel Farage.”

Things went downhill after that.

“The astrophysicist was shouted down, because she hadn’t personally flown around the earth in a spacecraft,” Ball explained. “Plus she was a vegan, so obviously a subversive and not to be trusted. Meanwhile, the turtle lady was allowed to spout any old idiotic bollocks she liked, without challenge. The conspiracy theorist, when asked to justify his assertions, triumphantly replied, ‘Prove the Earth isn’t flat!’, and described a rim around the edge of the Earth to stop us all falling off.”

What about Farage?

“Oh, there’s a new BBC directive that ensures that Farage appears on the BBC at least once a day,” said Ball. “He proposed creating a rim around Britain to keep our fish away from the EU.”

Ball spoke to the BBC’s Director of Political Output, Craven Acquiescence.

“The BBC must consider many factors,” claimed Acquiescence. “But mainly the licence fee. The government has threatened to sell the BBC to Murdoch for 50p the moment we broadcast something that challenges Brexit. By doing exactly what we’re told, we are preserving the integrity of the BBC for future generations.”

“Explain the contradiction,” demanded Ball. “Doing what you’re told, and preserving integrity? How does that work?”

“Sorry, I don’t understand the question,” replied Acquiescence. “Excuse me, I have a puff piece on Boris Johnson to get ready for Newsnight.”

Ball concluded that Mr Craven Acquiescence has no bollocks. Or, at least, flat ones.