Category: Democracy

The developers of the new console game ‘Wolfenstein : Brexit edition’ have revealed in a sneak preview to LCD Views that every end stage boss in Brexit is a Farage.

“It explains why most levels end in a bar with the player’s avatar hurling empty pint glasses and full ashtrays at a computer generated Nigel,” head developer Mr Wonder told us, “although there are various other lower order servants of the hard right, servants of lies with allegedly dodgy money trails to cover over, that you have to defeat as you go.”

Katie Tosskins. Arron Spanks. Jacob Grease-ogg and many other figures that remind people of someone they may have seen spouting absolute bollocks on a BBCQT also feature.

“But every level has a Farage. Until the very end boss in the game. But there’s plenty of fun as you go. One Nigel you have to crash a light aircraft with. Another you have to defeat him by pretending you’re going skinny dippy with him at Brighton, but then not jumping when he does. But listen to me waffle, I’m giving away spoilers!”

And who’s the very end boss?

“You’ll have to play and find out, it’s either Putin or Murdoch or a hybrid of both.”

But campaigners against democracy in the United Kingdom, UKIP, and members of the ERG in the Conservative Party have criticised the game developers.

“All the foot soldiers are UKIP members,” a local UKIP party organiser told us, “I mean. I remember my grandkids playing the original game in the 1980’s and the baddies in that game were all of a certain political persuasion. I’m not sure what the game developers of the modern game, Brexit edition, are trying to say?”

Asked to respond to that Mr Wonder said, “it’s okay. We’re definitely not trying to demonise Brexiters, or we would have made a new version of DOOM instead. We’re just reflecting modern British life at the moment, the plethora of useful idiots being used by dark powers. It’s what all creative people do. Anyone who is offended needs to have a look at who they’ve made their master and what agenda they’ve signed up to.”

News is leaking out today of war inside the Conservative cabinet over who gets to be face of the party’s official campaign beer.

“We decided we couldn’t compete with Labour and the Liberal Democrats and the Greens and SNP and well, everyone, in the social media game so we thought we’d produce a beer,” said head of campaign strategy, Richard Head from Head, More Head and Serve, who are handling the Conservative’s local election campaigning, “it was supposed to be small beer. But it’s turned out to be as difficult as organising a piss up in a brewery for our clients.”

Surely that had have been anticipated? Can you name one area of life in the UK they haven’t screwed up?

“Don’t ask me about all that. I’m just here for the highly paid job. Although I’m being paid through a series of shell companies offshore. But don’t print that. I’m sub-contracting to the contractor who has the contract and well, it’ll all end up in property in Mayfair anyway.”

So what’s gone wrong?

“Nothing. I own several apartments already. Which I refuse to rent out.”

No, what’s gone wrong with the campaign?

“Oh. Sorry. Well it seemed a bloody simple idea.

Blowhard Beer – Proper British Beer. Drink some Tory and spit.

Great slogan. Easy to swallow and just as easy to say.

We mocked up some poster designs under the heading “Order Order”, as it is expected to also help fund the Tory party from sales of Blowhard now their business donors are deserting them over that little SM and CU sex scandal thing, or whatever it is, but…”

But it seems when it came time to pick the cabinet member to be the face of Blowhard was when the trouble started.

“Hammond was clearly right out. Although he was a bit annoying. He kept getting his calculator out and pointing out how many cases of Blowhard we’d have to shift to turn a profit. But we could just ignore him like Theresa told us to do. No. It was Boris and Davis that caused the problem as they both felt they were the most qualified to front the campaign.”

It seems the issue came to a head in the cabinet meeting yesterday when both men turned up dressed as beer bottles, having been privately reassured by Theresa May they had the job.

“I think she wants to fight and for it to go public,” Richard Head said, “she can’t bring herself to sack Boris. She’s hoping a drunken public brawl with Davis might kill two birds with one stone.”

Blowhard will go on sale regardless in the next few days.

“We do have an alternative,” Dick reassured, “we can always call it Scapegoat and put Amber Rudd on the label whether she likes it or not.”

LCD Views can report today what is potentially the greatest benefit to come when Brexit collapses under the weight of its own horror and stupidity being famous medieval noble Jacob Rees-mogg temporally fleeing the country.

“He is threatening to get into his time machine and return to the 14th century,” LCD Views’ chief political analyst reports, “most people believe he is from the 19th century, but that is factually and provably wrong.

He’s actually a minor noble who left the 14th century after the peasant’s revolt and the failure of laws like the statute of labourers and laws against enticement etc. Essentially he was disgusted by the gaining of rights by the poorest in the community. It was not an uplifting experience for him.”

But why did he come to the 21st Century?

“He was aiming for the late 1930’s,” our analyst says, “but he didn’t take into account changes to the Gregorian calendar enacted by Pope Sixtus in the 16th century and he overshot by a few decades.”

That answers how, not why?

“Oh, because his attempts to lobby Edward III to crush freedom of movement for farm serfs, little better than slaves at the time who had to ask the lord of the manor for permission to leave the farm, failed and he surveyed his ‘time orb’ and saw some really exciting things happening in 20th century Europe.

He thought his best chance to fulfil his mission, why he left the Borg cube, to totally subjugate an entire population and take their resources and assets and rights away lay in the 20th century.”

Hang on, the Borg?

“Yes. You will have seen the 1996 documentary on them presented by Patrick Stewart.”

This does make a lot of things clearer. So we can rid ourselves of space alien, medieval peasant crushing, minor noble Jacob Rees-mogg merely by stopping Brexit?

“It will be just another tangible benefit of stopping Brexit. It’s either that or lose freedom of movement, consulate protection from dozens of countries, the NHS, farming sector, high tech manufacturing, international reputation, mass investment and a bunch of other stuff, like being a member of a bloc of democracies big enough to finally start to take action against the tax havens that are using populism and manipulation of voting to protect their greed.”

What’s tax evasion and everyday people’s rights got to do with it?

“Oh, that’s what the Borg feed upon.”

Britain’s political equivalent of Einstein anti-matter confirmed today that she and her chums have “almost finished our experiment to see what it takes to destroy as many U.K. businesses as possible.”

The reassurance came as the ruling party, voiced by the Maybot, but programmed by a dark and merciless trio of Murdoch, Rees-mogg and Foster (not Jodie, the other Foster) ruled out remaining in the definite customs union, or the indefinite, the as yet to be defined by Jeremy “unicorn whisperer” Corbyn, or any other form of customs union which may involve an unpalatable degree of sanity and economic certainty for manufacturing in the UK. As the clock ticks down to doomsday in the U.K.

”It’s vital that everyone understands the lunatics are still in control of the asylum,” the Maybot told LCD Views, “the cuckoos are still flying over the nest. The barbie is still just as short of sausages as it was yesterday and the china shop will not stop being trashed until every plate, every saucer, every bowl of economic competence in the 21st century is smashed to smithereens and on the floor. It’s how either 1% will get richer or the tricky commies will have their decades long desired revolution on the back of disaster forcing revolutionary social change.”

So that dealt with the weekend rumours of a u turn.

”There is absolutely no chance of a u turn from my government,” the driverless driver of the government confirmed, “and you know me when I make my mind up!”

Business welcomed the clarity, especially the Japanese who have placed 40% of their EU investment in the U.K. because of our membership of the EU.

To make their statements clearer we translated it, “we’re almost fed up warning you and we’re about to up stakes and go.

And no, we can’t be bribed as easily as some. We think long term. Something clearly the U.K. does not do since the overwhelming advisory mandate to trash yourself without relent.

And yes, maybe your MSM should report the flow of jobs and investment across the channel that’s already happening and will only accelerate if you stay on your current path. We will be turning it into a flood because we are sane.”

Asked to respond to the government’s determination to destroy British business the party of workers released the current statement,

”We still support the government’s determination to destroy jobs in the U.K. because jobs are the enemy of the workers.

Anything we say one day that sounds differently we are always careful to contradict the next. We are building a fudgberg. Have a taste.”

LCD Views commends the ruling parties of coalition for their clarity and trust a parliament will sooner rather than later put a stop to the travesty governance has become in this United Kingdom.

Downing Street is to get back ground it’s been losing to the Windrush scandal and today’s money laundering nightmare, oh and the nearing to collapse of most public services, by rolling out vans telling remainers to “piss off and live in the EU if you love it so much”.

“It’s standard PR work to shore up our base,” Mr F Arce told LCD Views, “especially with the local elections coming up in a couple of weeks in large metropolitan areas. If we don’t remind people just how bigoted a government we are, how unwilling to compromise and discuss differences, then they might get the wrong idea and vote UKIP again.”

It’s believed the move is a timely one, as there is just the faint whiff of a lack of legitimacy building around an administration that seems to turn everything it touches into first grade cow manure.

“We are caring conservatives,” Mr F Arce explained, “we just only care about ourselves and our rich donors. People should remember God put the hoi polloi on earth to be milked till the grave for the benefit of a small number of ‘elite’.”

But surely the use of vans is a bit contentious given all the coverage currently being given to the ‘hostile environment’ policies of former Home Office minister Theresa May?

“We need to get the message across quickly that anyone who relies on facts is a danger to this government,” Mr F Arce explained, “and a danger to the identity politics of anyone so stupid they still support Brexit.”

Mr F Arce we wish you luck.

“Thank you. But just to be clear, the decision to roll out these vans now was taken by the next Labour government. We’re only putting it into action now because we calculate if we target a much less vulnerable group now everyone will think we’ve learned Labour’s lesson for their mistake in the future now.”

Great news today for fans of rebranding exercises with the announcement that 10 Downing Street has been renamed ‘the city of the dead’ to honour all the skeletons now tumbling out of the Tory closet.

“It was actually my idea before they dumped me out of the back of a van on the M4 last year,” N Timothy Twat told LCD Views, “pretty much everything the government does is my idea. It’s why it’s all genius.”

In order to help people better understand the change the 10 Downing Street gift shop is to start selling postcards with desert and stone themes for less than the alleged price of a brown paper bag containing a bribe to avoid being investigated by tax officials.

“They need to get some camels on the street quickly,” N Timothy Twat said, “and maybe a day of the dead theme carnival dance, which will be a good way of getting past all the skeletons that are tumbling out of the closet. Show everyone how much we embrace the errors the previous government made and how we are fixing what Labour broke between 2010-2016. I’d also like to focus more on hanging things onto our junior colleagues in government during the coalition years. Momentum people salivate at that because they’re so terrified people will fact check and vote Libdem. You can see what an unrestrained, eyeball gouging, human hating mess government was until 2015 now.”

Other measures to best make advantage of the skeletons that are so numerous now in the closet of the prime minister and her colleagues is to invite school groups into 10 Downing Street to play.

“Play with the skeletons,” N Timothy Twat says, “sardines anyone? Go on squeeze in. Just mind the broken femurs, they can be a bit pointy when you’re trying to make room for a money laundering scandal on top of a racist immigration policy, the kind of which national socialists of the 1930’s would have been proud to applaud.”

A scientist studying alternative dimensions has revealed in the current one under the microscope Theresa May’s Tory government fell seconds after Labour opposed Brexit.

”The alternative reality we have labelled ‘sane’,” Professor B Offin told LCD Views, “our own we currently call ‘F*cking Insane’.”

No surprises at the names chosen then, but what drew you to search for ‘sane’?

”A fairly common feeling,” the professor replied, “for a few years now I’ve been waking up each day and one of my first thoughts when considering our current country and world is ‘you have to be kidding me?’. I decided to do something about it.”

So what have you learned from studying the dimension of the sane?

”That the hostile environment created by the institutionally racist ruling Conservative party only survives because the official opposition, led by Jeremy “principles” Corbyn, is labouring under the delusion they have to back Brexit for various reasons of party first self interest and sod all to do with democracy.”

Interesting. What is the connection?

”Have you forgotten Brexit poster wannabe fascist ruler Nigel Farage’s ‘Breaking Point’ poster unveiled on the day Labour MP Jo Cox was butchered in the street by a far right terrorist?”

No. Never will. I was shocked that wasn’t a major turning point in the EU referendum campaign. That atrocity is Brexit to me. It’s why I resist Brexit however I can. That and many other reasons. I’m ashamed it didn’t resonate with everyone.

”Yes. In the dimension of ‘sane’ it took them a while to wake up to it also. That you can’t be both a principled politician and support the inherently racist and deceptive and ultimately murderous agenda of Brexit.”

So that dimension’s Jeremy Corbyn finally dragged the cobwebs of ideological obsession off his mind and resisted Brexit and toppled the hostile environment Tory government in seconds?

”No. Not Corbyn.”

Then who?

”David Lammy after he beat Keir Starmer in the leadership election that occurred after Labour failed to make significant gains in the May 3rd local elections, because Corbyn was wedded to Brexit.

Of course in ‘sane’ the Momentum activists are still blaming people like you who won’t bow to the lie of Brexit out of a cultish devotion to a messiah figure.”

Oh, so sane is ahead of our dimension in more than one way, but not all.

”Yes. But if we act fast we can catch up. It’s that or Global Britain is going to be a bloody small and much disliked place ruled by the powers of hate.”

Television and crime lovers are in for a treat as BBC flagship programme ‘Crimewatch’ is to film a special feature on all the horrible shit the House of Commons has been allowing to happen for years and now the perpetrators are in the spotlight.

“Boris clearly is a wanted man in connection with mass vandalism of cultural life in the U.K.,” presenter Nick Ross, who is returning to film the special, told LCD Views, “also for various criminal violations relating to bus driving. But most of the Commons is charged with pursuing the criminal destruction of the country with Brexit.”

But he’s not alone on the lamb?

”No. Pretty much the entire cabinet is featured as suspects wanted in connection with democratic vandalism and other charges.

A lot of them for just being themselves.

Gavin Williamson for the crime of being promoted beyond his abilities.

Jeremy Hunt for alleged money laundering, on top of slowly and steadily privatisating a national treasure. So mass theft of a public possession.

Michael Gove for theft of a human shell in which to carry out his harmful alien schemes.

Amber Rudd for everything the Home Office is doing. Crime growth. Mass fear, breaking of trust regarding how to treat humans. The list is pretty long. Immigration policy is pretty much a protection racket now.”

We understand Jeremy Corbyn is featured too?

”Yes. Violations of the trade description act as it applies to an official opposition leader. That’s a serious one. He’s supporting Brexit, the criminal reduction of the U.K. for asset stripping. I mean, what the actual…”

But surely Iain Duncan Smith has to feature as public enemy number one?

”He does.”

What crime is he alleged to have committed?

”The crime of being himself,” Nick said, “oh and for impersonating a wheel of cheese. The recreation of that crime is my personal favourite.”

A man has been left stunned after a time traveller appeared late last night in his study and gave him a book from the future.

“Keir is to spend the day with friends recovering,” Mr A Friend told LCD Views, “he wasn’t overly shocked by the appearance of the space suited visitor from the year 2065, but he was rocked by the contents of the book the time traveller gave him.”

It seems the book, ‘Footnotes in 21st Century British Political History’, was intended as a gift.

“It’s uncertain what the motivation of the time traveller was,” Mr Friend said, “Keir is a little worried that behind the warm smile, the handshakes and the stories about how your house will flush the toilet for you in 2065, there was also a cautionary message.”

The suspicion appears to have been roused by Keir discovering he is written about in the book.

“When the time traveler said, wink, wink, you’re in the book mate, Keir was thrilled and he eagerly opened the tome anticipating a fat chapter on his service as British prime minister from 2022 to 2033, but it wasn’t there! He was shocked.”

Well, what was there?

“Just a paragraph. A few lines about being part of the official opposition that enabled the hard right Torykip destruction of democracy in the United Kingdom in the service of far right tax dodgers, which triggered the actual dissolution of the country itself.”

But that’s not fair, Brexit is a Tory project.

“It is certainly that,” Mr Friend nodded, “but according to ‘Footnotes of 21st Century British Political History’, Jeremy Corbyn three line whipping his MPs to ensure Article 50 was triggered is viewed from the future as a dereliction of duty almost as bad as David Cameron running as fast as he could the moment he realised he’d broken everything.”

Almost?

“Almost,” Mr A Friend nodded, “it seems Keir allowed himself to be carried downstream in the flow of Brexit. The people in the future believe he should have turned around and fought the poo logs flowing to the waterfall cliff edge. You know, stuck by his principles and beliefs like an elected representative is supposed to do.”

That’s a shame. He probably hoped for a more sympathetic place in history.

“People choose their destinies.”

So where does the time traveller live now if the United Kingdom has dissolved? The Republic of Scotland? Ireland or Wales? England?

“No. England is a distant memory spoken about in fables now. The time traveller said he was from the Kingdom of Kent.”

LCD Views is proud to say we have played our part in the search for the missing United Kingdom parliament by successfully campaigning for the Palace of Westminster to feature on the entire country’s milk cartons.

“We had to do our bit,” Orange Searchlight told a late night editorial meeting at the Fudge and Fark, “it wasn’t enough to just shout from the sidelines anymore, we had to scream silently from recyclable cardboard dairy products too.”

Critics at the red tops have seized on the campaign as blatant self promotion, claiming there is no genuine concern for missing British democracy.

But they are wrong. They are traitors. They are enemies of the people.

A freephone number has been included on the inside of the carton so that anyone who spots British democracy can alert the relevant authorities immediately.

“You would have thought with the Cambridge Analytica revelations, coming after all the proven lies of the Leave campaign, the very fact the only people pushing for calamitous structural change to the United Kingdom and its place in the world being proven ideologues, and just well, all the tax dodgers and neo-fascists wanting Brexit would have been enough for parliament to stop pretending it’s run away and come home,” Green added,

“but apparently not. And now we have a prime minister using a long running and incredibly brutal conflict over identity in the middle of England to further tax dodging? Seriously? If parliament won’t come home of its own accord we will have to campaign for the people of the United Kingdom to start using their eyes and ears and find it.”

No reward is being offered for locating parliament because having a functioning, representative democracy is reward in itself.

“Just look at the countries that either lost one or never had it,” Green adds, “and stop buying the f*cking Daily Mail, Telegraph, Express and so on.”

Indeed. Keep your eyes open. You can drag democracy back to the Commons, kicking and screaming if necessary.