Category: Democracy

After months of speculation following repeated denials by both parties, His Satanic Majesty, Mephistopheles, Prince of Darkness –  better known to all as Satan, has confirmed that self styled “Brexit bad boy”, Arron Banks, IS his son.

“He’s being ridiculed as “the spawn of Satan” anyway, so I decided it was time to come clean. Which is more than I did with his mother,” admitted the Prince of Darkness speaking to reporters outside his west London home.

Admitting that he could remember little of the night in question, Beelzebub explained;

“It was one of those 60s love-ins in Ladbroke grove. Frankly I was off my tits , putting it in anything that moved – and quite a few that were past moving..” he smirked adding that the DNA test was conclusive so there was no point denying paternity.

However he explained that while he may be Banks’ father, that doesn’t mean Arron necessarily takes after him.

“His mother named him Arron, after “Aaron’s rod” – but it’s not just the spelling she got wrong,” explained “The Man with the horn and the tail”, pointing out that in “the old man department”, Aaron’s old man isn’t in the same league as his old man’s..

“It’s not just Trump that has tiny hands . And just look at him. If I had a face like Arron I’d transplant my own soul into a dog and teach it to walk backwards,” grimaced Old Nick.

“And as for that Brexit thing…” he whistled turning his eyes upwards to the to the heavens before realising his mistake and, more red faced than usual, turning them downwards again.

“If I’d wanted to disembowel the UK economy and roast it over the fiery pits of hell, I’d have continued the Blitz in 1940 and sent in the storm-troopers,” explained the evil one, adding that Banks links to Russia are another thing he has troubled getting his horned head around.

Pointing to the continuing revelations that Banks had conspired with Moscow to fiddle the Brexit referendum, Mephistopheles, explained that:

“Who in their right mind would want to cuddle up to that,” he shuddered adding that being the antichrist, the angel of darkness etc, is not as easy as it used to be.

” I mean, Putin – he’s the epitome of pure evil. I know when I’m beat…do you think there’s a market for nine circles of hell …Complete with planning permission, and no heating bills to pay ?” he asked.

As the inner circle of Emperor Ming the Merciless collapses from within, so it would seem, with senior advisors quitting their positions, Emperor Ming has assured the citizens of planet Mongo that there is nothing to worry about.

Addressing the crowds, the emperor announced:

“People of Mongo, have no fear. Your emperor is still your emperor, and my leadership is as strong and stable as ever. Now is the time you must all get behind me as my loyal slaves, because your choice is between my strong and stable emperorship and the unrealisable fantasies of Flash Corbyn.”

When asked what is to be done about the planet Mongo dying from lack of resources, Ming replied simply, “we shall invade Earth. We shall use our special secret weapon, the Brexit Missile, to bamboozle them into submission.”

This drew cheers from one small swathe of the population, from whom the odour of pork was strongly detectable, but the rest of the crowd remained cynical. On test performances, the missile had exploded in the faces of anyone who set it off – including the recently-departed David Klytus and Boris Kro-Tan, who both resigned their positions within hours of each other yesterday.

Rumours that the emperor had had Flash executed in the gas chambers had been circulating since the morning, but Vince Vultan of the Liberal Hawkmen shouted out, “Corbyn’s alive!”

Flash’s girlfriend, Dale Abbott, has also confirmed this, and was reported to have said on seeing him alive, “Flash, I love you, but we only have three hundred and fifty million hours to save the world!”

Saving the world from Emperor Ming’s Brexit Missile would be tough enough even if they did have as long as Ms Abbott claimed. In point of fact they only have fourteen hours to save the world, making the job even harder. We wish them luck.

The United Kingdom’s new Foreign Secretary, Jeremy Hunt (MP for Real Estate), has been forced to deny planning to buy luxury flats off alleged US-Russian mafia bagman Donald Trump in a ceremony planned for this Friday.

”So what if he is?” an aide to the UK’s new international face told LCD Views, “if a man can’t leverage his position to prepare for a life outside of public office, what’s the point of being a taxpayer paid leader?”

Good questions.

The Friday 13th ceremony is to be held on a rocky promontory that hits out from one of Trump’s numerous Scottish golf courses.

”They’ll both be fancy dressed for the occasion,” the aide reveals, “Jeremy in an old world costume fitting for the ceremony and Donald in fetching 40’s military garb.”

During the sale and purchase a magical box will be opened that holds the plans, and keys, to numerous high spec flats which are under construction in North Korea by the Trump foundation.

”There ceremony is bound to be very impressive. Sound and light Fx will be used to give it some dazzle and a lot of military will be present.”

The military will be a new private security force that President Trump has hired as a personal bodyguard.

Accusations that spectators will be bussed in to make it look more impressive have been denied.

”Oh no, they’ll be brought in at gun point.”

Anyone attending is requested to try and remember the moment in vivid detail, because it’s likely Mr Hunt will forget the purchase of the flats almost immediately.

”But whatever you do, don’t look at the actual ceremony,” you’re advised, “or you’re face will melt off.”

Boris Johnson has broken a vow of temporary silence, taken out of respect for resigning colleague David Davis, to say he now expects to be prime minister by Friday.

”Fibble fobble bamdanglelowstringachapabanjo!” Mr Johnson said, while lumbering about the pavements this morning in active wear.

”Stringfellow gosh! Bosh! RIP! Star spangled jock straps! What ho!” he added, which was interpreted as a farewell message of respect to David Davis.

It’s believed Boris expects to be prime minister by Friday as a result of high profile Tory party MPs publicly expressing support for the Maybot following Davis throwing in the towel.

”It will be best if he makes his leadership play sooner rather than later today,” Tory party insider, Ms Pure Evil, told LCD Views on the condition of anonymity.

To respect that request we have used an actor to voice the rest of her statement.

”Boris has to move swiftly. The greater the clear and obvious nature of Brexit becomes, the less his chance of grabbing the top job. He needs to set aside thoughts of party and think about what’s in his own best interests. That’s my advice right now. What does change at DExEU mean for you Boris? Forget the country. You already have.”

If Mr Johnson manages to find space in the back of Ms May and plunge in that knife he’s held quivering just over her vertebrae for so long, it will mean he will be hosting Donald Trump during his hide ‘n seek tour of Britain.

”Johnson being US slang for a cock, and I don’t mean a male chicken, it would be more fitting if he were prime minister when Trump arrives,” the insider added, “that way we’ll have a pair of Johnsons on display together, hitting their balls about on one of Trump’s alleged mafia money laundering golf courses and everyone will just feel better.”

Your country needs you to get a move on Boris, just not necessarily in the same direction you want to go.

Esther McVey was said to be celebrating in style this evening after inadvertently misleading her way into pole position on the Tory party list to replace Theresa May as prime minister of Little England.

”She’s just smashed it off the scuffed spot and into the back of the net,” an aide to the DWP minister told LCD Views, the sound of rare champagne corks popping in the back ground.

”I can’t talk for long. Esther wants us to conga.”

It seems while most Tory MPs have been putting someone else’s house on Boris “the bully bullshitter” Johnson or Jacob “how they hell did Mr Hyde build a time machine” Rees-mogg to take the premiership when Ms May finally snaps with her internal build up of tension and bile, there’s been a dark horse.

”If you can drive already poor people into deeper penury, and potentially shorten their useless lives from sheer stress and Kaftaesque bureaucratic nightmares,” the aide said, from somewhere in the conga,

“whoop! Whoop! And you can double down by ‘inadvertently misleading’ parliament about an indepdent report on what a shower of pain you’re overseeing…”

(A break in the line there. We can hear the stamping of feet and what sounds like heavy panting.)

Hello? Please finish your statement so we don’t have to make up the rest of it like we’ve already made up the start.

”Sorry. Esther wanted a piggy back to the oysters. You should see this spread! She’s very confident.”

It sounds like quite the impromptu celebration!

”You’d never afford it on universal credit! It’s a good thing we were raised with Conservative values!”

A shower of pain you’re overseeing?

”Ah yes. She’s brilliant. Inadvertently misleads parliament and then a battery of Tory MPs no one had heard of are forced out all over a sympathetic BBC to spin about how you have to take her word for it, it was an accident!

“And straight face in parliament after she’s forced to correct a completely misleading take on official record and refusing the compiler of said report’s calls until he publicly shamed her. She’s perfect,

“Number 10 here we come. If she can demonstrate use of a shredder to protect influential party members when sex scandals are discovered, the competition are screwed.”

Esther McVey all the way! Do not take that enthusiasm as inadvertent support for McVey, like most, we wish she’d take her ‘inadvertent statements’ and go away.

The hostile environment was back in full swing protecting the people of Britain from people today with the announcement that the Home Office has been instructed to hand control of the University of Reading to President Donald Trump University (conglomerate), North Korea.

”We had to act,” Home office minister, Mini-May MP told LCD Views, “what with the outrage amongst the gammon electorate following the university’s deeply insensitive attitude to the feelings of bigots. Those are the only votes that matter now. Can you imagine Brexit Britain giving scholarships to asylum seekers? It’s a Code Pineapple Slice PR emergency.”

And act fast the government has.

It is understood that the Vice Chancellor of Reading has already been removed from their post by a private security owned by G4SS and a temporary wedge of smoked ham given control of the campus.

”This is only until Trump can appoint the relevant member of his family to bring the tiki torches and bedsheets to Reading. It’s not permanent. The ham doesn’t have a long shelf life in this heat.”

Other changes expected following the takeover by Trump will be honorary degrees for the entire Trump family and the serving Conservative cabinet at Downing Street.

”Jeremy is looking forward to finally being a right Doctor Hunt,” Mini-May beamed, “and the name of the university will now be ‘Trump University of Reading and Didcot’, as that’s going to be more accurate.”

Fees for the students will change too.

”Trump will personally assess how hot each student is and that will determine how they pay, as there are, as you know, especially for young blonde women, other means of exchange in Mr Trump’s eyes. The future of lower education in Reading is now in small, but safe hands.”

We understand the BBC have asked Nigel Farage for comment on the change, as they do about everything, but he couldn’t give it immediately, as his head is still too far up Donald’s arse.

Serially unelectable, far right headbangers’ political party UKIP has announced that it fears that migrant children may seek to use cave systems to sneak illegally into the UK.

In a tersely worded statement, issued only hours after UK caving experts helped locate 13 Thai schoolboys lost in a cave system in south east Asia, UKIP alleged that the :  “current outpouring of sympathy for dark skinned foreign children in caves, is a cunning plot by the leftist metropolitan intelligentsia to undermine UK immigration policy and destroy control of are borders”

UKIP confirmed that it had dispatched vigilante hit squads to Derbyshire to monitor known entrances to Peak District cave systems “just in case”.

Further teams have been sent to South Wales in response to unconfirmed reports of “men with black faces and suspiciously broad, white grins” emerging from holes in the ground “singing in an incomprehensible foreign language”, the statement added.

Speaking to LCD Views a spokesman for UKIP’s vigilante potholing division, Jane Wheal issued a stern warning.

“We believe that child terrorists armed with pick axes and Davy lamps may seek to exploit our porous geology and even disused mine workings to enter the country illegally,” she said, adding that UKIP fears that these “ticking human time bombs” are being aided by underground leftist political groups.

“We have concrete evidence, repeated by three people on twitter with resolutely English surnames,  that London Mayor and known Trotskyite Muslimist, Sadiq Khan, has links with radical caving organisations and may even be a member of an underground “urban explorer terror group”.

“Let’s face it, he’s in charge of the London underground and has access to all the tunnels into, out of and through the capital,” she explained, adding that faced with the UK being swamped by “foreign troglodytes”, UKIP was in favour of establishing tunnel links with white former British colonies such as Australia and new Zealand.

UKIP, she explained, has set up a working group, code-named “Operation Ostrich” to examine the feasibility of rerouting the Channel Tunnel to Sydney.

“Since we’ve kicked all the “flat earthers” out of the party, we are unanimous that the geology supports the plan. It’s simply a case of excavating the right route ,” she said confirming that whenever a new hole is dug the UKIP leadership will be sure to look closely into it.

Separately, UK Prime Minister Theresa May has denied reports that her government has agreed to house unwanted migrant children from the US in unoccupied UK cave systems.

“A request was made but rejected as absurd – obviously those we haven’t stuffed full of violently radioactive nuclear waste will be needed to house the millions of people expected to be made homeless by the “Post Brexit economic collapse” ,” sneered a Downing Street spokesperson.

“It would achieve nothing if I resigned over Heathrow expansion plans, except for making masses of people really happy,” Foreign to the Truth Secretary Boris Johnson explained himself this evening, while about as far from the Palace of Westminster as the embodiment of a bull in a china shop could get.

The rapid departure of the foreign secretary, famous for declaring he would lie down in front of bulldozers to stop the expansion of Heathrow, was further explained by some keen observational insight.

”He’s a complete and utter bullshit artist devoid of any integrity whatsoever who will just see spending masses of taxpayers’ money for a trip to Kabul, involving vast spend on security, just so he doesn’t have to keep his word to his constituents, as a jolly good laugh at the expense of the proles,” explained someone so galled and so serious we won’t quote them again.

He does have the backing of the prime minister though, no stranger to dishonesty herself, who said of Boris’ buggering off,

”At least tonight I can sleep without worrying about that blonde machine of disgrace smothering me in my slumber.”

Before adding,

”Boris is the epitome of Global Britain,” or something so similar we almost gave up trying to take the piss out of all of this altogether because where do you go when the PM is so blatantly writing satire as sound bites to attempt to avoid a reckoning with truth? Her daily grind epitomised.

”We trust once the shovels bite the dirt in the ceremony at Heathrow someone of suitable rank and status will be available to do the deed,” the PM further added.

”And if Boris does in the end decide to break the habit of a life time, keep his word, and lie down in front of the bulldozers, we trust it will be tonight and in Kabul.”

Master Bater, a chief Tory whip, was in an upbeat, if exhausted, mood today after successfully forcing enough potential Tory rebel MPs to cave by use of the Tory ultra violence, project fear film “JC4PM”.

“They crumble faced with just the outside chance of that old commie placard holder taking high office,” Master Bater told LCD Views during a tour of the ConHQ dungeon, “it’s not even really brainwashing, more just showing them what keeps them awake at night. Which is just as well, my palms are sore enough from the day to day work of slapping and beating members to keep them in line behind the old Maybot as it is.”

In the dungeon we were allowed to see many of the chief tools used by the whips.

“See this row of old cinema chairs here? And that screen set up over there. Mind the projector. Yes. Yes. Come around the front. Take a seat if you want.”

We declined the offer of a seat. The restraints on the arms looked like they could hold the strongest in situ.

“We put grievance Grieve in this seat. Captain Morgan in the one next to him. And a few others. Restraints at wrists, calves and foreheads. Force the eyelids open and just let the movie play.”

In the movie a Corbyn lookalike goes through the various duties of a modern British prime minister.

“The actor playing Corbyn followed May closely for a few weeks, to really learn what it takes to be the UK’s prime minister in the age of Brexit. You know, party before country, ideology before rationality, cynical appeals to various voting demographics, smooth and orderly choking off of economic viability, say xenophobic stuff about foreign workers. It doesn’t actually matter who is prime minister. The day to day activities will be the same. With the exception of course that Jeremy Corbyn as PM would raid the City of London’s coffers with McDonnell. But under May we’re content to let it all slowly flow away to EU27 countries without anyone really noticing. Rees-mogg will tell you how to set up in Dublin, just get him on the blower.”

How long does it take to force a rebel to cave in, faced with JC4PM?

“Dominic fell to his knees just seeing the chair and being told what we were going to show him. We still strapped him in for good measure. But about ten seconds normally does it,” Master Bater shrugged,

“except for Ken Clarke, we had him strapped down here for a week solid and he just laughed and laughed. He told us after serving under Thatcher there’s sod all we can put on the projector to cause him to buckle. His internal movies from the 80’s are more terrifying than any cinematic masterpiece we could knock out, whether it features a giant dildo or not.”

LCD Views can report a stunning blow against the elites today as Jeremy B.C. (Brexit Corbyn) confirmed he is to table an amendment when the EU Withdrawal Bill returns to the Commons on Wednesday, to abolish Lords.

“This meaningful vote issue Lords keep bowling at the Commons is just not cricket,” he said, looking up from hoeing a patch of weeds out of his allotment, “see these daisies? You’ve got to get them when they’re young. No good cutting through the stem. Got to get under and get them right out of the soil before they grow or they’ll just spread banners contradicting the thoughts of the captain everywhere. I can’t play on a pitch with that sort of variation in its behaviour.”

Details of the bill are still scarce, as Labour hierarchy try and word it so it can be interpreted as aligning with everyone’s beliefs all at once, but in reality it’s just an exercise in wasting time, as the fielders will be in the same position at the end of the exercise.

“The elites are the only people who watch cricket,” B.C. went on, “think of the resources that could be used to better educate our children in the glory of padding up and defending for the whole innings of parliament? Let your opponents run themselves out.

Or better still, every time the bowler is about to release the ball, just abstain from facing it and walk off the pitch. Signal to the dressing room you need a drink or some tape for your middle finger. Whatever. Just run the clock down so every game ends in a draw.”

But sharp eyed critics have been quick to point out B.C. isn’t calling for a total abolition of Lords.

“There’s a clause in the bill, probably Starmer’s suggestion to ingratiate himself with B.C., that allows cricket to continue, but only so far as it pertains to gardening. You know, when the batsman wastes time pretending to tap down uneven patches with his bat, but more often than not it’s just another way of abstaining from facing the ball.”

There is no suggestion of demolishing the bastion of inequity that is Lords cricket ground though.

“Jeremy will have doors and a balcony fitted to the space age media centre,” a Labour insider said, “so at next year’s Jezzfest he can stand on the balcony and wave benevolently to the crowd that will be bused in to celebrate his divinity. Throw out jars of homemade jam. Carrots he grew by hand. That sort of thing. A food first Brexit. Lords is a great venue. When we’re holding our rallies inside it the stands will stop us witnessing the rioting the Tories created outside.”