Category: Democracy

Downing Street made the announcement today. Unable to decide the status of EU citizens residing in the UK, or UK citizens residing in the EU, the government has instead simply decided to abolish citizenship completely.

“It’s too complicated an issue for my pretty little head,” tweeted media whore and neocon apologist Chloe Westley. “If you need to be an expert to understand it, then it can’t be very democratic.”

Westley is well known for her provocative tweets and frequent television appearances. Being young, unelected and Australian, she fits the profile of a loyal, democratic Brit perfectly.

Westley works for the Tax Payers’ Alliance, one of about a dozen so-called “think tanks” based coincidentally in the same property. Equally coincidental is the fact that these “think tanks” all promote a hard-right agenda. Chloe’s job is to draw the rage of the sensible, intelligent enemies of the state, who think that Brexit is a humungous pile of poo.

These “think tanks” have a disproportionate effect upon government policy. They are transparently funded by dark money to achieve shadowy ends. Ignore them and they squeam and squeam and squeam until the government is sick of them and adapts its policy accordingly. Chloe is like a squeamish Brexiter’s wet dream.

Subverting democracy is simple, which therefore makes it democratic.

Ditto abolishing British citizenship.

“I’m surprised this hasn’t occurred to us sooner, to be honest,” said Downing Street rent-a-gobshite Tom Foolery. “The idea is such a simple one. All men are equal! It’s democratic because it treats everyone, regardless of their origin or home, in the same way.”

The European Commission defines active citizenship as ‘Participation in civil society, community and/or political life’. “Which is why we have to get rid of it!” claims Foolery. “It comes from Europe. EU bad, UK good.”

And the 66m stateless ex-citizens? “Democracy was decided, once and for all, at the referendum,” repled Foolery. “Democracy is a return to feudal values and Merrie England. Democracy is a matter of simple obedience. Democracy is working all the hours God sends to put food on your overlord’s table. You had a vote, now shut up and accept the consequences!”

It’s that simple. Democracy is what we tell you it is.

A defiant Labour Party rocked the government today with its call for “a” No Deal Brexit instead of “the” No Deal Brexit on offer from Downing Street.

”What do we want?” Keir Starmer demanded, white flag in hand, as he rallied the troops outside the locked gates of Downing Street.

”An official opposition party worth the f*cking name!” random passers by responded.

”No. We want “a” No Deal Brexit,” Keir shouted back, waving his flag, “not “the” No Deal Brexit on offer by our colleagues in government.”

Keir was alone in his protest because Jeremy was asleep, Tom was polishing his Facebook account and the rest of the party was either wringing its hands over whether or not to split, or wondering how much more support they could garner by further infighting over anti-semitism, and which MPs they should boot out for various other, unrelated reasons to do with having actually been electable once.

The timing of Labour’s brawl with itself is important, as it provides a classy symmetry with the Tories unending brawl with themselves over how racist they can make the U.K. before the union fractures and leaves some thing called Little England looking like a cyst on the European rump.

When asked by one of the constables on guard at the Downing Street gates what the difference was between “a” No Deal Brexit and “the” No Deal Brexit, Mr Starmer froze for a few seconds.

”I just say what they tell me to say so Seamus doesn’t organise my local party to de-select me.”

But our exhausted political analyst was able to supply some details.

”Sod all. We all still starve slowly and no one likes us internationally anymore, which makes our life really much harder because we’ve thrown away all our leverage and shat on the goodwill of our allies.”

Wow! I know which No Deal I want!

”It’s actually a real puzzle why Labour have offered their version of No Deal now. Especially as the government are now trying to not publish the horrifying details of what no deal means. You’d think if Labour really wanted to take government they would go full in opposition to Brexit, to defend the most vulnerable, and watch the Tories crumble like a vampire exposed to sunlight.”

Why don’t they oppose the Tories at their weakest point?

“You’ll have to answer that for yourself.”

But now that there is a mountain of evidence of the negative to come from Brexit, lies, criminality and external corruption from overseas powers?

“You’ll have to answer that for yourself.”

Come on Labour, we want “the” official opposition party back. You can smash this toxic shitshow in Downing Street by smashing Brexit.

Why are the Labour leadership determined to float downstream with all the corrupt Tory MPs and assist in making Farage’s vision for the U.K. a reality?

Why are they doing it?

”You’ll have to answer that for yourself.”

Winston Churchill has long been venerated as being Britain’s Greatest Prime Minister. But now that crown is slipping because he sought European alliances. Uneasy lies the head that wears a crown.

Churchill has been slammed by pro-Brexit Conservatives, because he proposed close ties with Europe after World War Two. “How dare he make overtures to the enemy Germans!” thundered David Campbell Bannerman from his modest mansion in 1945. “Fraternising with the enemy is very bad indeed. Even thinking of talking to a German is tantamount to treason!” Uneasy lies.

“Churchill is and was a traitor!” continues Bannerman. “He betrayed his country, himself, and most importantly the Conservative Party!” Churchill left and later rejoined the Conservative Party, just as Bannerman did. No wonder Bannerman is part of Leave Means Leave. Uneasy lies the head that shares a loyalty.

Churchill foresaw and proposed a Council of Europe to maintain peace. “Absolute poppycock!” roars Bannerman. “Who wants peace? The Frogs and Jerries refuse to fight us any more, so we must leave the EU immediately to start a war and show them who’s boss. Pow! Pow! Wham! Smash! Boom, boom, boom, boom! I think that General Campbell Bannerman has a nice ring, don’t you?” Uncaring lies the head that wears a tin hat.

LCD contacted Prime Minister for the next twenty-four hours (probably), Theresa May, for comment. “The PM distances herself from Mr Bannerman’s comments, and from everything else,” said her gobshite Di Semble. “She has weightier matters on her mind than one rogue MEP stirring up trouble and undermining her position, whatever that is. She will try very hard not to let it distract her from avoiding the issues.” Uneasy lies the head that bears a clown.

The matter will be swept under the carpet, along with other trivia like lying MPs, fraudulent referendum campaigns and institutional racism. Uneven lies the carpet that covers a multitude of sins.

The Churchill who wins wars is a hero, and the one who prevents them is a traitor. It’s that uneasy.

The taste of Satan in love is set to ooze across the waters of the mighty river Thames with the announcement that Steve Bannon is to wed Kate Hoey and Nigel Farage in a Thames cruise threesome extravaganza.

”For some reason people have gotten it into their heads that Bannon is moving to Europe to both escape Mueller and to start a cohesive far right project designed to destroy civilisation as we know it. You know, finish off what those well tailored chaps started in the 1930’s and 40’s,” an aide to Bannon told us via a ouiji board.

But apparently that’s not true?

”Well, it’s sort of true,” the aide said, “as once this vile threesome gets together it will almost certainly open a portal into a dimension so full of cockwomble fascist idiocy I doubt the Ghostbusters will be able to stop the reign of nightmares, men or women doing the busting.”

Will there be a gift register so fans can throw their excrement at the threesome?

”Oh yes! Anything from WW2, well one side in particular. White bedsheets. Tiki torches. Offshore tax avoidance schemes. Subversion of democratic institutions through mass indoctrination of the non-critical thinking. Oh and if you don’t have a lot to give, just give your conscience and moral compass.”

Any special treats planned for the big ceremony?

”Blood sacrifice and the mass servitude of children,” the aide said, “oh and fish. A hell of a lot of fish.”

What will the fish do?

”They’ll be thrown into the Thames by the bucket full dead. As that’s the way Nigel likes it.”

Will there be TV coverage?

”BBC and Fox News are co-producing the coverage. Because that’s how we roll in the U.K. in the grip of historical amnesia.”

Sounds fantastic!

“And wait until you hear how the three are spending their honeymoon.”

Do tell?

”In David Cameron’s Shepherd’s Hut shed.”

Why there?

”Because he’s the gutless twat that started it. Sadly he can’t be there for ceremony, as he’s now living in Nice.”

Nice.

”No. Nice.”

LCD Views reports today with a complete absence of shock that the celebrated British patriot, Will of the people, has been found floating face down in the Thames by the Palace of Westminster, central London.

”Shortly before 6am this morning concerned and sharp eyed members of the public alerted the emergency services,” a Met spokesman told us on the record, and later on CD and cassette, blue-ray and MP3, “after sighting a bloated, corrupt, shimmering shape floating in the River Thames, near to the houses of parliament.”

While initially there was little concern, as many similar shapes have been witnessed floating past Westminster for several years now, it was soon apparent all was not well.

”We are accustomed to fishing out fudgebergs from the Thames,” the spokesman continued,

“and it is accurate that our water born services were slower than usual to respond, thinking the object was likely a Downing Street press release regarding the so called Chequers agreement,

“Or a Labour six point test bubble of extreme cynicism treating the electorate en masse as idiots, or even, Farron and Cable attempting to explain while they decided to go to the pub early rather than vote against the government last night.”

But it was none of these things?

“However as a search and rescue vessel drew slowly alongside the object it was revealed to be noted con man, and powerful political magician, Will of the people.”

Are the police treating the death as suspicious?

”Numerous serving, and recently ex cabinet ministers, have issued statements already claiming the death was clearly suicide,” the spokesman said,

“but it is very likely murder most foul and we urge everyone to lobby the living hell out of their MP to force the authorities to declare the ill gotten gains of the culprits void and to drag said culprits before any relevant court of law.”

A number of high profile resignations have given rise to the change. After David Davis and a large number of his underlings resigned, odds have shortened on their successors lasting the week.

Unconfirmed rumours have it that the Department has installed a revolving door to facilitate the frequent changes.

It all adds up to a department failing to do its job. It is far too busy exiting the government to get on with exiting the EU.

An unexpected Brexit dividend has been revealed. The revolving door has been hooked up to a generator, so the Department now runs on green electricity.

An insider’s view was provided by longstanding DExEU staff member Shakey Tallabout.

“I’ve been here for over a month now,” said Shakey. “So many people have come and gone in my time. Good people. I run the ‘who’s next?’ sweepstake. The last six winners have left before they could collect their prize!”

Every day is a rollover week here, he continues, adding that employees are expected to roll over too.

“So we have officially been redesignated as the Ministry for Resignations,” Shakey explained. “The chap in charge of getting new stationery printed started this morning, and has already resigned over the inherent contradictions. ‘Resigning is what we do best,’ read his letter to Theresa May.”

The once coveted Employee of the Year award has been downgraded, says Shakey. “It became employee of the month, then employee of the week, the day, the hour and finally employee of the minute. Most awards are made retrospectively.”

Many believe that the Department is as redundant as its employees. A common cry is, just get on with it and leave. Leave means leave. So do it. Simple. It should only take five minutes. Ignore the bullying EU and the traitorous remainers. Cut and run. Freedom from rules, from red tape, from global influence and respect.

You voted for it. Unless you didn’t, in which case you don’t count. It’s the Will of the Putin… I mean, the People.

After months of speculation following repeated denials by both parties, His Satanic Majesty, Mephistopheles, Prince of Darkness –  better known to all as Satan, has confirmed that self styled “Brexit bad boy”, Arron Banks, IS his son.

“He’s being ridiculed as “the spawn of Satan” anyway, so I decided it was time to come clean. Which is more than I did with his mother,” admitted the Prince of Darkness speaking to reporters outside his west London home.

Admitting that he could remember little of the night in question, Beelzebub explained;

“It was one of those 60s love-ins in Ladbroke grove. Frankly I was off my tits , putting it in anything that moved – and quite a few that were past moving..” he smirked adding that the DNA test was conclusive so there was no point denying paternity.

However he explained that while he may be Banks’ father, that doesn’t mean Arron necessarily takes after him.

“His mother named him Arron, after “Aaron’s rod” – but it’s not just the spelling she got wrong,” explained “The Man with the horn and the tail”, pointing out that in “the old man department”, Aaron’s old man isn’t in the same league as his old man’s..

“It’s not just Trump that has tiny hands . And just look at him. If I had a face like Arron I’d transplant my own soul into a dog and teach it to walk backwards,” grimaced Old Nick.

“And as for that Brexit thing…” he whistled turning his eyes upwards to the to the heavens before realising his mistake and, more red faced than usual, turning them downwards again.

“If I’d wanted to disembowel the UK economy and roast it over the fiery pits of hell, I’d have continued the Blitz in 1940 and sent in the storm-troopers,” explained the evil one, adding that Banks links to Russia are another thing he has troubled getting his horned head around.

Pointing to the continuing revelations that Banks had conspired with Moscow to fiddle the Brexit referendum, Mephistopheles, explained that:

“Who in their right mind would want to cuddle up to that,” he shuddered adding that being the antichrist, the angel of darkness etc, is not as easy as it used to be.

” I mean, Putin – he’s the epitome of pure evil. I know when I’m beat…do you think there’s a market for nine circles of hell …Complete with planning permission, and no heating bills to pay ?” he asked.

As the inner circle of Emperor Ming the Merciless collapses from within, so it would seem, with senior advisors quitting their positions, Emperor Ming has assured the citizens of planet Mongo that there is nothing to worry about.

Addressing the crowds, the emperor announced:

“People of Mongo, have no fear. Your emperor is still your emperor, and my leadership is as strong and stable as ever. Now is the time you must all get behind me as my loyal slaves, because your choice is between my strong and stable emperorship and the unrealisable fantasies of Flash Corbyn.”

When asked what is to be done about the planet Mongo dying from lack of resources, Ming replied simply, “we shall invade Earth. We shall use our special secret weapon, the Brexit Missile, to bamboozle them into submission.”

This drew cheers from one small swathe of the population, from whom the odour of pork was strongly detectable, but the rest of the crowd remained cynical. On test performances, the missile had exploded in the faces of anyone who set it off – including the recently-departed David Klytus and Boris Kro-Tan, who both resigned their positions within hours of each other yesterday.

Rumours that the emperor had had Flash executed in the gas chambers had been circulating since the morning, but Vince Vultan of the Liberal Hawkmen shouted out, “Corbyn’s alive!”

Flash’s girlfriend, Dale Abbott, has also confirmed this, and was reported to have said on seeing him alive, “Flash, I love you, but we only have three hundred and fifty million hours to save the world!”

Saving the world from Emperor Ming’s Brexit Missile would be tough enough even if they did have as long as Ms Abbott claimed. In point of fact they only have fourteen hours to save the world, making the job even harder. We wish them luck.

The United Kingdom’s new Foreign Secretary, Jeremy Hunt (MP for Real Estate), has been forced to deny planning to buy luxury flats off alleged US-Russian mafia bagman Donald Trump in a ceremony planned for this Friday.

”So what if he is?” an aide to the UK’s new international face told LCD Views, “if a man can’t leverage his position to prepare for a life outside of public office, what’s the point of being a taxpayer paid leader?”

Good questions.

The Friday 13th ceremony is to be held on a rocky promontory that hits out from one of Trump’s numerous Scottish golf courses.

”They’ll both be fancy dressed for the occasion,” the aide reveals, “Jeremy in an old world costume fitting for the ceremony and Donald in fetching 40’s military garb.”

During the sale and purchase a magical box will be opened that holds the plans, and keys, to numerous high spec flats which are under construction in North Korea by the Trump foundation.

”There ceremony is bound to be very impressive. Sound and light Fx will be used to give it some dazzle and a lot of military will be present.”

The military will be a new private security force that President Trump has hired as a personal bodyguard.

Accusations that spectators will be bussed in to make it look more impressive have been denied.

”Oh no, they’ll be brought in at gun point.”

Anyone attending is requested to try and remember the moment in vivid detail, because it’s likely Mr Hunt will forget the purchase of the flats almost immediately.

”But whatever you do, don’t look at the actual ceremony,” you’re advised, “or you’re face will melt off.”

Boris Johnson has broken a vow of temporary silence, taken out of respect for resigning colleague David Davis, to say he now expects to be prime minister by Friday.

”Fibble fobble bamdanglelowstringachapabanjo!” Mr Johnson said, while lumbering about the pavements this morning in active wear.

”Stringfellow gosh! Bosh! RIP! Star spangled jock straps! What ho!” he added, which was interpreted as a farewell message of respect to David Davis.

It’s believed Boris expects to be prime minister by Friday as a result of high profile Tory party MPs publicly expressing support for the Maybot following Davis throwing in the towel.

”It will be best if he makes his leadership play sooner rather than later today,” Tory party insider, Ms Pure Evil, told LCD Views on the condition of anonymity.

To respect that request we have used an actor to voice the rest of her statement.

”Boris has to move swiftly. The greater the clear and obvious nature of Brexit becomes, the less his chance of grabbing the top job. He needs to set aside thoughts of party and think about what’s in his own best interests. That’s my advice right now. What does change at DExEU mean for you Boris? Forget the country. You already have.”

If Mr Johnson manages to find space in the back of Ms May and plunge in that knife he’s held quivering just over her vertebrae for so long, it will mean he will be hosting Donald Trump during his hide ‘n seek tour of Britain.

”Johnson being US slang for a cock, and I don’t mean a male chicken, it would be more fitting if he were prime minister when Trump arrives,” the insider added, “that way we’ll have a pair of Johnsons on display together, hitting their balls about on one of Trump’s alleged mafia money laundering golf courses and everyone will just feel better.”

Your country needs you to get a move on Boris, just not necessarily in the same direction you want to go.