Category: Democracy

CRYSTAL BALL(OT)! : Downing Street is determined to be on the front foot in interpreting the results of the upcoming EU elections, Thursday 23rd May, and has announced what the vote will mean/meant already.

”Every vote cast is a vote for Brexit,” a Downing Street spokesman, Mr B Ullshit, told reporters today, “regardless of which box is ticked, it’s a vote in favour of Brexit.”

It’s believed the thinking behind the announcement is to give people confidence their voice will be heard when they cast their vote.

”The British people have already decided, several years ago now, and nothing that has happened since can be allowed to unstuff that box. Not that there were any irregularities at all in June 2016. Whatever made you think that?”

In support of Downing Street, Bazza ‘the wonder’ Gardiner, mirrored the statements.

”We all knew immediately that the mass swing to the Liberal Democrat’s and Greens in last week’s local elections was a cry of despair at not having seen a Jobs First Brexit delivered. Similarly the few votes cast for UKIP were done so to urge them not to keep supporting another public vote. We can see by just looking at the numbers the British people want us to get on and finish Brexit. By this reasoning it’s clear right now what the result of the upcoming elections will mean. All votes for Labour are votes for Brexit. But more so, for a special customs union that will give us a veto over EU trade deals once we’ve left. We’re going to deliver on it.”

But while weighing in to support the government and the official opposition’s initiative, pro-EU campaigners have criticised Downing Street for not going far enough.

”Why don’t they just pre-mark the ballots for us? That way voting will simply be a ceremony of tuning up and having one’s name crossed off and then walking away.”

We suggest they don’t keep saying that or they’ll give the government and their allies on the opposition front bench ideas.

BOY IN A BUBBLE : LCD VIEWS has heard today the encouraging news that a fully grown man who can’t use a knife and fork (on health and safety grounds) wants to be the next Prime Minister of England.

“Clearly little Rabid won’t be prime minister of Scotland, Wales, NI or probably even Cornwall,” an occupational health specialist, claiming to work in the man’s household, told LCD Views, “he appeals only to English nationalists. And to be frank, geography isn’t his strong point. He’s only recently worked out Britain is an island, bless his little cotton socks.”

The revelation of the little go-getter’s desire to bag the top job in Blighty was revealed as a result of a bizarrely fawning special on him in The Times (it used to aspire to be a newspaper).

“We thought it best to hold the interview between Dominatrix and his wife in the family’s kitchen,” the occ health worker revealed, “so the interviewer could get a feel for what it’s like to live a life composed entirely of spoons. Safety first is our motto, except on the economy, civil liberties, immigration policy, manufacturing, services, the rise of far right politics, international reputation, trade, the environment, the NHS, wealth inequality and poverty or any other policy area where allegedly being easily manipulated by neoliberal American billionaires poses a risk.”

But why is the famous librarian (you may recall a photo famously shared on social media a while back) making his play to be PM now?

“Because David Davis told him too,” the assistant shrugged, “David and Rabble are like two peas in a pod. They both serve ideology over national interest, they both had the job of negotiating Brexit and they both quit when the going got too tough. Davis’ speciality is bailing out on projects. He’s coaching Ridiculous to carry on his work. Expect Raging Rabble to drop out of the race to be PM. Partially because there isn’t actually an official leadership contest going on and he will have exhausted himself by the time there is one.”

We wouldn’t be so sure. It’s not only the discovery of Dover that Raa-raa-rasputin-lover-of-the-Russian-queen has going for him. He also worked out that people using food banks just have cash flow problems. But if you want to get really cranky with the energetic little trier, Schona Jolly wrote it all down a while back:

https://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2018/jul/11/dominic-raab-ideologue-rights-eu-brexit

And lastly, what obstacles, apart from common sense, stand in the way of Raab’s rise?

“Common sense doesn’t stand in the way of Raab becoming PM,” Raab’s assistant said, “as the Tory party is plainly right out of that quality. I expect the biggest threat is Uri Geller. Raab is a spoon after all, as well as a Brexiter. He’ll find himself tied in knots by Geller before he gets to Number 10.”

HARD RIGHT FLOPS : An extensive survey of the local elections results from last Thursday has nailed down why the party of government, and also the official opposition, UKIP, saw its voteshare collapse.

“They’re not pro-Brexit enough,” Professor Paid Piper says, “traditional Brexit supporting voters in the shires and counties have seen through it.”

And voters have good reason to be furious with UKIP. In spite of being the party of government, and also the official opposition since 24th June 2016, they’ve failed to deliver on their promise to turn the U.K. into a total burning pit of despair.

”They’ve made strides at making the U.K. an international pariah,” Professor Paid Piper notes, “pretty much everyone internationally is now finding ways to shaft us, from small countries to the large ones. Delivering a so called WTO Brexit would be the coup de grace. But so far they haven’t done it.”

So voters turned to the Liberal Democrats and the Greens to punish the party of government and official opposition for not delivering Brexit yet?

”Yes. That’s what the results tell us. The Libdems and Greens boxed very clever in the lead up to the locals. Neither party mentioned Brexit at all. This left millions of furious voters free to decide what their Brexit policy was and vote for it. OUT and out now seemed to be the perception.”

Well at least with Nigel Farage standing as a limited company with secret offshore donors, and no actual policies, in the EU elections, Brexit backers will be able to vote for a party that traditionally promotes Brexit, as opposed to UKIP.

”We will have to wait and see. It’s going to be an almighty struggle between Fuhrage, Libdems and Greens to get that pro-Brexit protest vote so evident in last week’s locals.”

As Vince Cable and Caroline Lucas repeatedly say, a vote for either of their parties is a vote to just get on and Brexit.

AUTHORIATIVE GUIDE : LCD Views feels compelled to provide three things quickly, here and now.

1. An analysis of yesterday’s local election results, as informed by the insights of BBC political journalists.

2. A re-analysis of the 2017 General Election results, in light of what we have learned from 1.

3. A guide to how to vote in the European Parliament elections on 23rd May, taking what is now known from 1. and 2. Indeed in any future election, should we be lucky enough to have one. Not that we can work out why we would, as the people had a vote, so they don’t need another. Ever.

1. Yesterday showed a dramatic revival of the Liberal Democrat vote and a welcome surge for the Greens, whose main agenda is not important as climate change is a hoax and we’ll all be fine, even after we’ve cooked and eaten the last sodden polar bear. Still, it’s good to have the colour green for our graphs.

Also a mass spike for Independents. But analysing that is too hard for the BBC at this stage, so it can’t be important, so we will also ignore it here.

Make no mistake about what occurred yesterday.

Voters slapping the Conservative Party of government and abandoning the official opposition Labour Party in waves, this was a pro-Brexit vote evidenced by millions of voters displaying their rage by voting for pro-EU parties.

Voters are inherently passive aggressive. This is how they send a message. By punishing a party they show they want the party to hit them harder. It’s not rocket science. It’s democracy rocket science.

It’s obvious. Next time you witness a shattered glass jump off the floor and reform on a table you will see why.

Ask any taxpayer funded, politcal expert.

It’s blindingly obvious that voters now vote for the parties they most disagree with. This will only continue. Up is now down. Clear is now mud.

This was a victory for Labour’s Brexit fudge and the Tories toxic “F business” shambles. Expect them to double up on efforts to get Brexit delivered now people have sent a clear message they want that, by voting for parties with opposing manifestos.

2. In light of what we learned in the local elections yesterday we must now re-visit the general election result from 2017.

Anyone who voted Conservative in that GE did so in support of Labour’s opposition to austerity and to force the Tories to renationalise first jam making, them trains, but jam first. Today. Not tomorrow.

Voting for Tories is the way to force them to work with our international partners to force Amazon to pay tax, rather than strip the assets off elderly people to pay for Amazon not paying tax.

Anyone who voted for Labour did so in furious opposition to Jeremy Corbyn’s leadership (using the term loosely) and because they wanted strong and stable leadership under Theresa May to continue. Indeed, they voted Labour expecting to increase the Tory majority in government.

Lots of Labour voters were bloody surprised when voting for Labour didn’t strengthen May’s hold over parliament and result in an instant “we hold all the cards” Brexit crash out. No one voted for Labour believing they were really anti-Brexit and just playing mind chess on a plane mortals can’t access, but the magic grandfather (and his friends with curious links to the Kremlin) can.

So that’s clear now too. We’re sure Norman Smith will be along soon to say he’s worked it out. Probably after reading this article.

3. Taking what is now apparent from 1. and 2. when you enter the booth to cast your ballot on May 23rd do the following,

If you want a No Deal Crash Out WTO Brexit NOW vote Liberal Democrat, Green, SNP, Plaid or any of the other pro-EU parties.

This will send another message to Labour that they need to firm up their support for any Brexit. And get Brexit delivered so you will vote for them again. John McDonnell is listening. Message will be received.

But, if you want to stop Brexit in its tracks, so this attempt to destroy progressive politics is halted and prevent the U.K. becoming a feudalist-capitalist economy where you die if you can’t pay for healthcare, then you must vote for Nigel Farage. That is the only way Labour and Cons will see they must stop with their conspiracy and halt Brexit.

At worst voting for Farage will get you a people’s vote on any Brexit deal Lab and Con cook up.

There. Learn your lessons well and the next time you shower, do it in the toilet with your clothes still on.

Thank you. Spread the word. We have received a message yesterday and received it with our fingers firmly in our rears, because that’s where our ears are, because they’re attached to the sides of our heads, and that’s where are heads are.

BREAKING CONS : Seismologists working at the Institute for Predictive Karmacology, Boston (not Massachusetts) are predicting a karmic avalanche of epic scale to begin breaking over the Conservative Party from Thursday this week.

”Everyone expects them to get f c u k’d,” Professor Local Elections told LCD Views, “and so do we.”

The cause appears to be a tectonic whirlwind that the largely completely deranged idiots running the party have been sowing in the ballot substrate of the country for several years. All to keep hedge funds and racists happy, often at the same time.

”They really have excelled themselves,” the professor continued, “they’ve over promised and under delivered to Brexiters, although given what any Brexit will do to the U.K., this maybe a blessing for the party in disguise. But just to ensure no one is happy with them, they’ve completely ignored and spat at their own progressive voters (using the p word very loosely). Not many seem to know this, but there are actually a sizeable amount of Tory supporting, pro-EU voters. Well, there used to be.”

How large the scale of the karmic avalanche will be is not clear.

”Well, the lowest measure on the scale is epic and it gets worse from there,” Professor Local continues, “and when you consider universal credit and the slashing of funding to councils and the systematic ruination of so much of the social fabric of the country, yeah, the needle will be high on the dial.”

In addition to that, with just days to go before polling the party has pulled out a complete weapon in the press today.

”With prospects in the local elections already grim for the Tories, having Damian Green, who had to resign over porn on his Westminster laptop, in the press today suggesting the dementia tax is still a great idea, is really the icing on the cake ahead of polling day.”

Friday should be fun this week as the rocks and rubble, mud slides and avalanches cover many local Conservative associations under many feet of debris. No one is planning on a rescue.

Union means Union. Except when it doesn’t. Obviously there’s good and bad on both sides.

The woman who, mysteriously, is still Prime Minister is having an argument with both Nicola Sturgeon and herself. How dare you threaten our precious Union, the debate begins.

“Och aye Jimmy, we are sick of ye Sassenachs telling us what to do,” replied Sturgeon. “We want oot, and we want oot the noo!”

“No, you can’t do that,” Good May replied. “Let me be clear about this: we are stronger together. Besides, we need your oil to prop up our corrupt economy.”

“Why are ye so intent on leaving the EU then?” asked Sturgeon. “I see a wee contradiction there. Ye are kicking us in the Trossachs!”

“We voted to leave, we must respect the result of the referendum, 80% voted for Brexit parties,” recited Bad May. “It’s democracy, and without democracy the country is basically fucked.”

“The UK is a good Union,” explained Good May. “But the EU is a bad Union. 4 nations good, 28 nations bad!”

“Ooo, boke boke!” mimed Sturgeon, pretending to stick two fingers down her throat. “Pass the sick bucket. Enough with the Orwellian bullshit. Man, ye make me want to greet!”

“But you mustn’t split the union,” May persisted, arguing with herself now. “It would mean enormous constitutional change. There are all sorts of other practical considerations. I don’t think you’ve thought this through properly!”

The position is quite clear. England wants Scotland to Remain, so it can Leave. Scotland wants to Leave, so it can Remain.

“Must leave the Union. Can’t split the Union,” repeated May, on an endless loop. She sat in the corner of the cell which her own mind had created, hugging her knees, and swaying from side to side.

Outside, the vortex of contradictions she had inadvertently created waited patiently to consume her.

Meanwhile, Sturgeon is planning to annexe Berwick-upon-Tweed. In a final statement, she declared “I’m going to rebuild Hadrian’s Wall, and make England pay for it.”

David Cameron, the once and never-again Prime Gammon Minister, has finally had his greatest achievement recognised. He has been awarded the inaugural Tory Without A Thought (T.W.A.T.) award.

The accolade was hotly contested. Many Tories, both parliamentary and lay, were expecting (with no little justification) to be in the running. But in the end, there was only ever going to be one winner. Cameron, the man who is the root of all Brexit, swept all before him. Twat!

“I’m most delighted, indeed overwhelmed,” stammered a dishevelled, half-naked Cameron at the door of his shed, as he received his trophy from Danny Dyer. A sound of contented grunting floated through the open doorway. “You held that stupid vote, just to shut your sodding party up, and it unleashed a shitstorm like a herd of giant woolly mammoths OD-ing on laxatives,” replied Dyer. “Twat!”

“I never imagined it would be Dave!” wheezed Young Conservative Jerry Attrick, 83. Attrick’s lack of imagination, he imagined, would have made him a front-runner. “Everyone down the George And Dragon always calls me a twat when I explain why Brexit is going to be great for Britain. I was expecting the award, instead of that useless chinless wonder. Twat!”

In fact, the list of nominees was enormous. According to some sources, 17.4m names were on the initial list. Unfortunately for many of them, only members of the Conservative Party were deemed eligible for consideration.

The disappointment elsewhere was tangible. Piers Morgan tweeted: “So I’m not as much of a T.W.A.T. as David Cameron? I must be doing something wrong!” The large number of respondents taking the mickey must have warmed his bitter, insecure little soul. Twat!

Chris Grayling tweeted: “I was fully expecting to win the T.W.O.N.K. award today, never mind, can’t win them all!” Truly a Tory With Out Noticeable Knowledge. Twonk!

The last word goes to second-placed Michael Gove. “Normally, people just look at me and think, twat!” he said. “Always the twatsmaid, never the twat.”

David Cameron is the Tory Without A Thought. Probably in perpetuity. Twat!

LCD Views is hearing that grassroots Tory campaign groups are boycotting campaigning in the upcoming European parliament elections because the European parliament is unelected.

“Everyone knows it’s an unelected tyranny of Eurocrats who would collapse without our pounds and shillings,” Mr K Ipper, Chairman of the Little-on-England Conservative grouping, told LCD Views, “the elections don’t happen. They’re a hoax. They film them in the same hanger used to fake the moon landings. Anyone who claims to be an MEP is an actor. They’re all paid and in pounds. Except for Farage who is actually from the plant Zaarg-9 and was sent to expose the unelected tyranny.”

So you’ll be staying at home then?

“No. I’ll be campaigning for either UKIP or The Brexit Party and helping to expose the elections as faked,” Mr K Ipper replied, “I’m just not sure if I want to support a party that has [mind bogglingly] made it necessary to explain to [emotionally insecure men] people once again that rape jokes aren’t [and never are] funny, or the party Farage has co-opted in the hope UKIP will now make him look like a moderate. It’s a tough choice.”

But surely given that the EU parliament, real or faked, will make decisions that directly impact on the UK means we should be involved? If we’re not at the table, we’re just a meal to be served up to the world’s major powers?

“You need to believe in your country more sunshine. The big players will happily go along with whatever we decide and double their paperwork and cost to also sell into the EU. We’ll set the standard once we’re free. We’re exceptionally”

But doesn’t the fact we can simply leave the EU say that we’re already ‘free’, just that the cost of freedom maybe isn’t worth it? And yes, we’re exceptional. We’re doing amazingly with food banks and lack of investment and loss of jobs. Any Brexit will make us even more exceptional. Oh and encouragement of racism and xenophobia, an insane Home Office, and an almost phobic streak in our government to avoid public votes, we’re certainly exceptional since the EU ref in 2016.

“Traitor. I won’t be dropping off any campaign literature to you.”

That’s a shame. I’d like the opportunity to post it right back without a stamp.

Foreign Secretary Jeremy C. Hunt insisted today that exercising democracy, by voting in the EU elections, would be undemocratic. Hunt was speaking at a doomed trade summit in Japan, where his attempts to tell them how business should be done have been dismissed as ‘Huntsplaining’.

Hunt is keen to use his Japanese, so it is possible that his comments have lost a little in translation. Our interpreter, Asumi Dunno, suggested that he only does it to show off to his Japanese wife (or is she Chinese? Or Korean? Even she isn’t sure these days).

“I think he just after hanky-panky,” explained Dunno. “His Japanese very good, but he making silly mistake all the time. Silly woman think it sexy.”

What has Hunt been saying about democracy?

“He say, don’t let people vote,” said Dunno. “People voted to not be in EU, so people can’t vote in EU election. England must leave EU very very soon or his party up shit creek without paddle. People very cross, he say. People will be angry if England stay in EU. There will be big fight, he say. I think he speak testicle.”

He’s talking bollocks, you mean?

“In Japan, we say he speak with his belly cut open,” she explained. “Liar liar pant on fire, yes? People already voted. Never vote again. Democracy only happen once, in case people change mind, he say. In Japan, we say evil cause, evil effect. Evil campaign, evil policy. It very wrong. It very toxic in England.”

Why does he think exercising democracy is so undemocratic?

“I assume he don’t know,” said Asumi Dunno. “He make no sense. He say, no to bad EU, very bad indeed, but we still want EU trade deal. He say, democracy is good, but more democracy is not democracy. He batshit crazy.”

It is true that Jeremy C. Hunt is the best Foreign Secretary since Boris Johnson. And if that’s not a recommendation, I don’t know what is.

https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-politics-47933511

UKIP have spent more than a penny today with their new look flag projected onto the White Cliffs of Dover, launching their EU elections campaign.

The re-designed party flag has been got up in time to help tell the unelected MEPs that make decisions together about the EU, in a parliament, to bog off! Just like every time UKIP MEP’s get elected to the unelected, unaccountable EU.

”We need to distance ourselves from Farage’s new party too,” someone claiming to be a party insider told LCD Views, “we’re the natural home for neo-fascists, racists in general and just plain credulous idiots. Not Nigel, the splitter, Farage’s new outfit. We take advantage of people shafted by Westminster politics. We started it!”

The new look flag is raising eyebrows though, for the addition of a urinal toilet, when there are so many other fitting symbols to choose from.

”We aim to flush the U.K. away,” the insider clarified, “away from Brussels. Then pick up our EU pensions, paid in Euros, and laugh at the bank as Sterling goes down the toilet. It’s pretty obvious what the flag means. Just don’t ask me why it’s yellow and purple because I’ve never worked that bit out.”

For supporters of the party too it is a nice twist that will help defend them against accusations they’re going even further right under Batten’s leadership.

”It’s not a right turn, how can it be? Toilets have an S bend. So it’s more like we’re coming back around on ourselves, carrying all our same old shite with us.”

So that settles that then. Let’s hope on May 23rd it’s UKIP that is flushed away.