BOY IN A BUBBLE : LCD VIEWS has heard today the encouraging news that a fully grown man who can’t use a knife and fork (on health and safety grounds) wants to be the next Prime Minister of England.
“Clearly little Rabid won’t be prime minister of Scotland, Wales, NI or probably even Cornwall,” an occupational health specialist, claiming to work in the man’s household, told LCD Views, “he appeals only to English nationalists. And to be frank, geography isn’t his strong point. He’s only recently worked out Britain is an island, bless his little cotton socks.”
The revelation of the little go-getter’s desire to bag the top job in Blighty was revealed as a result of a bizarrely fawning special on him in The Times (it used to aspire to be a newspaper).
“We thought it best to hold the interview between Dominatrix and his wife in the family’s kitchen,” the occ health worker revealed, “so the interviewer could get a feel for what it’s like to live a life composed entirely of spoons. Safety first is our motto, except on the economy, civil liberties, immigration policy, manufacturing, services, the rise of far right politics, international reputation, trade, the environment, the NHS, wealth inequality and poverty or any other policy area where allegedly being easily manipulated by neoliberal American billionaires poses a risk.”
But why is the famous librarian (you may recall a photo famously shared on social media a while back) making his play to be PM now?
“Because David Davis told him too,” the assistant shrugged, “David and Rabble are like two peas in a pod. They both serve ideology over national interest, they both had the job of negotiating Brexit and they both quit when the going got too tough. Davis’ speciality is bailing out on projects. He’s coaching Ridiculous to carry on his work. Expect Raging Rabble to drop out of the race to be PM. Partially because there isn’t actually an official leadership contest going on and he will have exhausted himself by the time there is one.”
We wouldn’t be so sure. It’s not only the discovery of Dover that Raa-raa-rasputin-lover-of-the-Russian-queen has going for him. He also worked out that people using food banks just have cash flow problems. But if you want to get really cranky with the energetic little trier, Schona Jolly wrote it all down a while back:
https://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2018/jul/11/dominic-raab-ideologue-rights-eu-brexit
And lastly, what obstacles, apart from common sense, stand in the way of Raab’s rise?
“Common sense doesn’t stand in the way of Raab becoming PM,” Raab’s assistant said, “as the Tory party is plainly right out of that quality. I expect the biggest threat is Uri Geller. Raab is a spoon after all, as well as a Brexiter. He’ll find himself tied in knots by Geller before he gets to Number 10.”