Category: Brexit

“pssst, pssst Liam over here…………”

“What is it Boris, i’ve got to catch another flight to sign a fictitious trade deal with Narnia. So i don’t have much time. You know how big T wants daily trade deal success reports and things have been a bit thin on the ground of late”

“Look, look ! Look what i have bought. I saw one in Farage’s gaff and i said at the time……oh, how… i want one of those.”

“What is it Boris?”

“It’s a Brexit bed, Liam.”

“Well that’s what the picture on the front of the box shows and now all we have to do is put it together….you and me. You said you could sign a trade deal in two weeks and being a doctor, you will have the qualifications to be able to have this made up in a jiffy.”

“Where did you get it from Boris?”

“From Idea out on the outskirts of the EU. They have loadsa stuff when you walk around their massive shop. Except this one seems to have arrived in a big cardboard box.”

“Are their any instructions Boris?”

“Pah!….we don’t need instructions Liam. Look, we have the picture on the front, how hard can it be? Ah, here comes Jacob he can give us hand”

“What oh…..what are you up to Johson minor and friend? You do know the big T can give you a detention for fraternising in groups of two or more. Big T has become a bit paranoid of late, with thoughts of fellow Westminster MPs hatching ideas of a coup.”

“Jacob, we have the magic Brexit bed and we need a hand to put it together, perhaps if you read the instructions, as you are such a stickler for checking Hansard.”

“Oh i don’t do instructions dear boy, I have a man to do that. But I am intrigued with the Brexit bed. It looks big enough for all of us to lie in it. Boris what are you doing?”

“Quick, quick, here comes Anna Soubry and Dominic Grieve. Everyone quick, stand in front of it. I don’t want her and Dominic to get sight of our special prize.”

Hello boys, what do you have there?

“Nothing that you would understand Anna,” said Jacob, “this is male talk.”

“Dominic, that looks like the Brexit bed that Barnier was talking about. Remember, he said that there was a manufacturing problem and that Brussels could not give it a CE mark as it was inherently faulty. Something about when you lie in it, you can’t stop yourself from lying.”

“I am already drafting an amendment to make Boris stay in this bed forever,” reassured Dominic.

“Oh, Boris…..you have to go and buy one of them, didn’t you? As I recall, Farage had one and he passed it on to Donald Trump as a presidential inauguration present.”

Popcorn corns have been a popping overtime in the popcorn production facilities.

Finally the time has come to find out the details of what is meant by a seamless border, the boundary of no boundaries.

Politicians have taken to trawling epic tomes of Quantum Mechanics literature to ascertain the true nature of Schrödinger’s border; a simultaneously entangled superposition of no a border and no border.

Zen masters, who hold the secrets of one hand clapping and unseen trees falling have been asked to solve the ultimate koan riddle, how many checkpoints makes a seamless border?

The answer to the great unanswered of how to peel away Northern Ireland from the South, leaving one in Europe the other in the U.K., without a border.

The great logician Boris Johnson managed to hint at a solution, with just cameras, something akin to the London congestion charge scheme.

But hopes were dashed when the word “border” dropped out of those hapless lips towards the end of his meditation.

With the religious extremist DUP propping up May’s government vehemently opposed to Northern Ireland having any status other than that of the brexited U.K. and Sinn Fein remembering the troubles again at the thought of a split Ireland the situation appears entirely intractable.

So here we are, at the stage in Brexit negotiations, where it’s time for politicians to stop with the empty PR speak and nail the solution down in precision legalese.

Embittered and disenfranchised ‘remoaners’ across the country have stocked up on the poppy stuff in anticipation of the rush of schadenfreude from watching the whole edifice collapse like the 1937 Hindenburg zeppelin disaster, engulfing is all in one great conflagration.

It won’t be pretty, but hey when you’re handcuffed to a bus careering off a cliff, you may as well enjoy the ride.

*grabs first handful of popcorn* 🍿

An announcement was made today that the symbol, mascot and emblem of Brexit shall be a unicorn. Members from across the Brexit spectrum, or “Brextrum”, hailed the decision as a momentous breakthrough.

LCD’s Mythical Beasts correspondent spoke to committee member Izzy Teck.

“This is the greatest breakthrough since the announcement of blue passports!” she boasted. “Unicorns will form the basis of all our marketing, publicity and policy-making.”

Ms Teck disclosed that the decision had been unanimous, with 52% voting in favour and 48% against. The committee has spoken, and the will of the committee shall be carried out regardless.

“In the name of unity, committee members were drawn from all major parties,” Ms Teck continued. “Conservatives, DUP, and Nigel Farage. Oh, and a random Labour chappie to fulfil some positive discrimination bollocks.”

Surely, though, other suitable candidates for the symbol of Brexit were discussed?

“Well, yes, we had to consider all options,” mused Ms Teck. “Dragons were rejected as being too Welsh, leprechauns too Irish, and Nessie too Scottish. We had to find a British beast.”

Surprisingly, the chimera was also rejected. An unlikely mish-mash of a creature representing implausibility, its appearance is an omen of natural disaster.

“The description ‘natural’ disaster was the reason,” stated Ms Teck. “Brexit is a wholly artificial disaster.”

So, the unicorn, beloved of teenage girls and other fantasists, was chosen.

“Who doesn’t love a unicorn? They are hard and yet soft, strong and stable-dwelling, have magical properties, and are completely fictitious,” she said, counting off the points on her fingers. “A perfect Brexit emblem!”

We await St George, riding upon a unicorn, to utterly defeat Johnny Foreigner and get our country back.

It only remains for a moaning remoaner to point out that the unicorn is in fact a heraldic emblem of Scotland. Scotland, which is considering secession from the UK in order to remain part of the EU. But why let facts get in the way of a good story?

Great news for visitors from Europe to London, and outside of the capital, with the announcement that Westminster village idiots, we mean residents, are holding a week long “Brexit Fudge Fights On Ice” festival.

The impromptu celebration is to make best use of the polar vortex gripping the United Kingdom.

LCD Views sent its political sports correspondent along to experience the first day of the action as the Thames ices up.

“I’m standing here in sight of Big Ben, who does not appear to be looking at me, watching as the stalls and bandstands are set up on the slowly freezing Thames, alongside Westminster Palace,” Rosie Searchlight reported,

“I’ve have my skates on and I have a sense of wonder as I watch the teams from numerous political parties carry their fudge pucks out onto the ice, so they can engage in the new ritual of Brexit fudge fighting.”

It’s uncertain who is currently favourite to win the inaugural title of “Fudgebergers” for 2018, but the field is certainly competitive.

”The Conservafudgers have been the early table leaders, having overtaken the UKIPfukkers by way of an aggressive player and policy transfer strategy the moment the league turned professional.

But lately the Corbybergers have made running up the table with very clever use of the definite and indefinite article.”

It’s believed this strategy is either a genius new play that will have the opposition so baffled they will either have to reverse their previous winning game plan of ‘set fire to it all and watch it burn laughing’, or potentially find themselves in the relegation zone before the end of the season.

“Other potential problems for the Conservafudgers are rumours their owners, DUP.inc are considering cutting their losses, out of a concern that the new owners of the SFudgers may demand entry to the Brexit Fudge Fights.

The new managers of SFudgers can probably sell it to the local clubs that make up their league, across the Irish Sea, that it’s worth for a time, just to see the look on the faces of the other teams in the league. But people better versed in Irish leagues should be consulted before anyone places a large wager on that.”

This action on the ice will certainly warm up the hands and faces of the spectators gathered to watch.

“The only note of caution is to be sure you don’t get any of any team’s fudge puck in your mouth. Definitely don’t swallow if you do. Wash your mouth out immediately.

The Thames may have been cleaned up in recent years, but the pucks are composed of a recipe involving apple pie aspiration, nationalism, insanity and just, well, shit due to the fact that whoever tops the table at the end of the season will have to accept whatever cup the largest trade bloc on Earth decides to present it.”

Downing Street has been rocked today by the discovery EU officials can understand Brexit announcements made in English.

”Theresa May has requested the Cobra committee summoned to an emergency meeting at Downing Street,” Ben Bradley MP, head of Cobra told LCD Views.

”I was going to anyway, because after exposing Jeremy Corbyn as a spy chief the other day, I thought it’s time to set the ball rolling on the John McDonnell Soviet era Soviet hedge fund scandal, so I guess we’ll have more than one thing on the agenda.”

It’s believed the group have assembled at Downing Street, but have yet to discuss how to react to the alarming ramifications for the Brexit policy agenda.

”We’re waiting for the prime minister to get out of the toilet,” Ben explained, “this shock has set her bowels right off, I don’t mind telling you via twitter.”

Quite how the government will react to this ghastly surprise is anyone’s guess.

”I think we should hide for a while,” Ben Bradley MP advised, “we can lay low for a few days and then release about three hundred tweets in foreign  languages to confound the EU. French. German. Spanish. Italian. Finnish. They’ll be stumped if they only know English.”

Other suggestions are to use the discovery to our advantage in the unravelling negotiations.

”We can weaponise this,” Boris Johnson chimed in, “We can start shouting in RP. Just to make sure they really get the message now we’re aware the fumblestanglers have been swotting up on the mother tongue.”

At least we can be sure of getting answers that way.

”I think Jamie Oliver should take over,” Ben Bradley MP added, “punish him for being a remoaner. And, and this is the key bit of my strategy. He doesn’t have a twitter account and he only speaks in mockney.

There is not a snowflake’s chance Barnier and Tusk will cotton on to our porky pies if they’re served up with some lubbly jubbly.”

Good work Ben, let us know how Cobra gets on today, allegedly democracy needs libel and lies, oh, and retractions of libel and lies.

As the Brexit negotiations continue to get ever more farcical, one new consequence has come to light, concerning the deportation of certain individuals with non-British names, including, ironically, part-time UKIP leader Nigel Farage.

Home Office spokeswoman Dee Portham had this to say on the matter:

“After Brexit goes ahead, we will be deporting certain individuals whose names are a bit foreign sounding, including Mr Farage, whose name is French.”

When asked for comment, Mr Farage spent an entire episode of Question Time calling it an outrage, peppering his descriptions with several choice words that it’s best not to repeat in polite conversation. We spoke to him after he’d calmed down a bit (but not a lot), and he said:

“It’s an outrage. It’s totally and utterly ridiculous. Deport me because my name isn’t British? Why, Nigel is as British as roast beef and football hooliganism!”

Unfortunately for him, his surname comes from the Huguenots of old France. That’s what the fuss is about.

“That’s ridiculous. Throw me out because of that? That was centuries ago! Why should I have to suffer for that? I can’t go and live in France, it’s full of foreign Johnnies.”

Well, foreign Jeannies in this case, but I wasn’t going to quibble.

The French government have also responded to this, with an official from the Ministry for the Interior, Didier Ever, making the statement:

“The people of France have no desire to grant residence to such a man as that. We do not want him getting too amicable with Marine Le Pen and breeding a new race of bigots.”

Mrs Portham has offered him a way to remain in the UK.

“He can always change his surname by deed poll to something more British sounding. He could change it to Farridge if he wants to keep the essence of his original name. Or he could change it to Smith or Jones or anything he chooses.”

Mr Farage was less than thrilled at the prospect.

“Change my surname? Are you joking? Why should I have to do that?”

As the only other way to avoid this would be to cancel Brexit, it looks like Mr Farage – or potentially Mr Farridge – has quite a decision to make.

In the light of a cold dawn this morning the Angel of the North began its first journey in twenty years, and one that has the residents of Gateshead at turns anxious and at twists enraged.

The noise of the busy A1 was temporarily drowned out by the sound of the Angel groaning as cranes lowered chains around its wings, klaxons sounded to keep spectators clear and a giant, mechanised bolt cutter sliced through the metal roots of the modern megalith as if they were butter.

“They got little statues over there, don’t they? Why the hell do they need to take our Angel as a hostage? What’s wrong with giving them Big Ben?”

This was just one of the many questions asked, as early bird motorists pulled onto the hard shoulder to watch the removal of The Angel of the North.

The move is a symbolic one that Westminster has high hopes for and has been planned in secret for months.

“By offering about the only useful thing the north has produced since it mismanaged its steel and coal industries in the 1980’s,” Jacob Rees-mogg MP for North East Somerset began, from a safe distance away, in North East Somerset,

“to Brussels for the remainder of the Brexit discussions, will, I believe show just how serious we are to trade away anything of worth in the regions of the United Kingdom, in order to make me even richer and more powerful. Set potentia ex chao.”

But the move has not been greeted with unalloyed enthusiasm in Gateshead.

“We weren’t even consulted,” another motorist said, “what if Brussels don’t give it back? We voted leave to bring back control, not to give away our jewels.”

This is of course why the residents of Gateshead weren’t consulted.

“In the normal course of events this move would have been subject to lengthy public consultation,” Jacob continued, “but these aren’t normal times. And I would suggest the good people of this country should adjust themselves to the notion of wise rulers making decisions on their behalf going forward, for quite some time. It actually makes me quite emotional, on a personal level, it’s beginning to feel like the Statute of Labourers was never undone.”

But what if the Brexit negotiations fail to reach agreement? What if Brussels refuses to return the Angel?

“That will best return full sovereignty to the people of Britain,” Jacob Rees-mogg MP advised, “it’s a small price for Gateshead to pay to empower Westminster. Now if you do not mind I’m going to watch the Angel of the North fly and about time it finally did too.“

Plans to dynamite Arthur’s Seat are also underway.

Capto et popcorn.

Theresa May has declared that the inevitable climax of Brexit is to be postponed for an indefinite period. This open-ended ‘transition period’ will, presumably, be strung out for as long as she can manage it. Westminster insiders are describing it as a Tantric Brexit.

In this scenario, the act of Brexit will, to an uncritical observer, continue unabated. However, the participants are actually working to ensure that they stay engaged for a much longer time than would normally be expected. The trick is to remain strong and stable during the entirety of the process.

LCD Views’ Inappropriate Innuendo correspondent spoke to insider Pat Mybottom. “Tantric Brexit means that the UK gets shafted for as long as possible,” she stated. “It’s more of a coming together than breaking up. We will maintain the deep and special relationship with the EU.”

What are the implications for the UK? Is this a good deal, or a bad deal?

“It’s a big deal, and that’s all that matters,” retorted Mybottom. “Tantric means Tantric. It’s a boy job and a girl job, and we are getting on the job… I mean, getting on with the job in hand. A job in the hand is worth two in the bush. Theresa May is very clear about this. Anything less would be a blow for the UK.”

We also spoke to Tantric expert Mr Sting, a much-loved popular musician. “Let me first quash rumours that I have re-recorded one of my greatest hits as ‘Can’t Stand Losing EU’,” he said. “Nor ‘Brexit In A Bottle’ or ‘Fields Of Wheat’. Although I may do so at some point in the future. Deferred gratification is very much my personal philosophy.”

But will the UK and the EU have a cigarette afterwards, or will the UK shamefully slink off home with its knickers in its handbag? Time will tell.

Chuck Norris, MP for Hard, has thrown himself bodily into the debate over what the United Kingdom will look like after Brexit today, to everyone’s delight.

“It won’t be the United Kingdom anymore for starters,” Mr Norris said, “You can see it unravelling already, if you’re paying attention. I anticipate by 2025 the United Kingdom (formerly known as by then) will have devolved back to about the Anglo-Saxon era of warring kingdom. That will rock. I’m going to be a king in real life as well as the cinematic imagination.”

Mr Norris went on to say that he believed he needed to get involved in the debate because he could help people to prepare themselves for future conditions.

“There won’t be a lot of fresh food about, that’s a given. But there will be a lot of tinned food hidden away in homes. This is perfect for the cunning and agile and wantonly violent, when required.”

Mr Norris explains his thinking more fully in the latest update to the bestseller ‘Post Brexit Survival Guide : How to thrive in a Mad Max dystopian landscape”.

“You can use tinned goods as weapons,” He explains, “They aren’t just for eating, that is the last resort if you’re hunting party returns empty handed for several days.”

He says the best way to use a tin of baked bins initially is to listen for approaching strangers,

“Wait concealed around a corner. When they turn the corner, KAPOW!, sock it to them in the throat with a tin of tomato soup and you can take whatever they are holding. If you have twine you can tie their wrists while they are unconscious and you have a field worker for your desperate attempts to grow maize.”

And that’s not all.

“If the harvest is bad you can repeatedly beat the person you dislike the most in your community to death with only one tin, using the methods illustrated in this guide. The whole community can sacrifice them ritually in this way on the Aztec style altar you will have built by then with stone scavenged from the burnt out shell of Westminster. To be honest, I can’t wait. It’s making me a little hard, I don’t mind tell you. And I’m hard enough already.”

Mr Norris does ad one note of caution however.

“Stock up on can openers now. You need to be prepared. There won’t be any manufacturing to speak of after Brexit, so go to the shops right now and buy about five hundred. You can capture more from weaker people as you go. Good luck and good eating.”

Chuck Norris, MP for Hard, has thrown himself bodily into the debate over what the United Kingdom will look like after Brexit today, to everyone’s delight.

“It won’t be the United Kingdom anymore for starters,” Mr Norris said, “You can see it unravelling already, if you’re paying attention. I anticipate by 2025 the United Kingdom (formerly known as by then) will have devolved back to about the Anglo-Saxon era of warring kingdom. That will rock. I’m going to be a king in real life as well as the cinematic imagination.”

Mr Norris went on to say that he believed he needed to get involved in the debate because he could help people to prepare themselves for future conditions.

“There won’t be a lot of fresh food about, that’s a given. But there will be a lot of tinned food hidden away in homes. This is perfect for the cunning and agile and wantonly violent, when required.”

Mr Norris explains his thinking more fully in the latest update to the bestseller ‘Post Brexit Survival Guide : How to thrive in a Mad Max dystopian landscape”.

“You can use tinned goods as weapons,” He explains, “They aren’t just for eating, that is the last resort if you’re hunting party returns empty handed for several days.”

He says the best way to use a tin of baked bins initially is to listen for approaching strangers,

“Wait concealed around a corner. When they turn the corner, KAPOW!, sock it to them in the throat with a tin of tomato soup and you can take whatever they are holding. If you have twine you can tie their wrists while they are unconscious and you have a field worker for your desperate attempts to grow maize.”

And that’s not all.

“If the harvest is bad you can repeatedly beat the person you dislike the most in your community to death with only one tin, using the methods illustrated in this guide. The whole community can sacrifice them ritually in this way on the Aztec style altar you will have built by then with stone scavenged from the burnt out shell of Westminster. To be honest, I can’t wait. It’s making me a little hard, I don’t mind tell you. And I’m hard enough already.”

Mr Norris does ad one note of caution however.

“Stock up on can openers now. You need to be prepared. There won’t be any manufacturing to speak of after Brexit, so go to the shops right now and buy about five hundred. You can capture more from weaker people as you go. Good luck and good eating.”