Category: Brexit

SOWING AND NOT REAPING : Fantastic news today for British voters worried about the sinking standards in public life with the release of the exhaustive list of MPs willing to take responsibility for the calamity that is Brexit.

“It’s not just Brexiters, famous Lexiters were also asked to step up to the plate, given that their plans were almost indistinguishable from Brexiters, just spun as more cuddly,” a Westminster correspondent told LCD Views. “And their validation of the concept of departure from Europe was, and remains, as batshit crazy as the Brexiters. Just more confusing, given all the rights membership conferred on people just because they were people. And not because of their bank balances.”

It’s understood no less a man than Prime Minister Boris Johnson decided to compile the list after the news finally reported some negative blowback from the campaign he championed, and not just the news in Europe.

“Mr Johnson was the first to hold the blank paper in his hand and think about signing it,” the correspondent continues, “before passing it along to the next MP.”

The aim of the list is to promote the idea of salary sacrifice among MPs to help towards the increasing costs of hiring HGV drivers.

“Basically it’s about wealth redistribution from the people who stuffed up the country to the people who somehow have to cope with that. You can guarantee the Brexiters won’t know how to fix what they’ve broken. They didn’t know what it was they were breaking in the first place.”

The list will be published on all major news sources so Brits can see MPs set up to the plate in meaningful ways and attempt to make amends for the calamity they’ve delivered.

“It’s an oven ready list,” the correspondent confirms, “may as well just set fire to the paper now and be done with it.”

RIDE ‘EM IN RIDE ‘EM OUT : Fantastic news for heavy goods vehicle drivers in the United Kingdom today with the release of a new study by the world famous Institute For Self-Administered Injuries.

“The Institute has studied the HGV driver crisis in the United Kingdom and made some exciting projections,” Professor Robert Cat told LCD Views. “If you like spending long days stuck in traffic on the country’s smart motorways being a HGV driver is only going to get more rewarding.”

The big bucks do appear to be coming to a line of work which for years has been treated as an afterthought by everyone, even the businesses who rely upon the drivers, and their customers.

“Pay inflation in the sector will soon bring the salary and conditions to where they should have been,” the professor notes. “Which means exciting choices to be made at the checkout for British consumers. Do I buy the food or do I save up for another day?”

And it will apparently get even better for HGV drivers as the months pass.

“Brexit isn’t working, that’s obvious,” Professor Robert agrees. “But we have to embrace it anyway until we have a sufficient supply of politicians ready and willing to kill it. Right now in Brexitannia we’re much like a drunk at a BBQ who can’t light the fire spraying it with petrol, spraying himself with petrol, spraying the space around the BBQ with petrol, before throwing a match at the petrol. Once you’ve gone that far there’s only one way to go. But if you’re a HGV driver who wants to make the big bucks it’s time to make hay.”

But like all, hay is a seasonal product and the seasons change.

“Get the cash now,” the professor advises, “because once the Brexit BBQ fire reaches our faces we won’t be doing too much shopping. There won’t be anything much to shop for.”

SEEING IS BELIEVING : The decision of the great British public to abandon reality and the 21st Century together is looking pretty bloody stupid these days. More so each day. Happily reality is still of no interest to the Prime Minister.

Fantastical thinking will tell you that the apparent and accelerating failure of the Brexit project is not because it is inherently shit, otherwise the Official Opposition would clearly oppose it. More so given that now the Lexiters no long run the party it is solely a fascist Tory project.

To get ahead of the inevitable Labour pivot, once some genius works out why they’re always polling 10 points and more behind the government, regardless of what happens, ever since they voted for Johnson’s Oven Ready Brexit – thus handing the government open slather to write the Brexit narrative, Johnson is acting now.

“We’re launching a new mass publicity drive to urge Britons to believe in Brexit harder,” a 10 Downing Street source tells LCD Views. “We hope to convince those stubborn realists that don’t believe at all to add their auras to the power well and make Brexit a success. It won’t happen on its own account, as it’s an insane project.”

Accompanying the billboard and social media campaign will be a tutorial on how to infect yourself with dancing sickness, and additionally how to punch yourself in the face. Two key strands of the Brexit belief system.

“We’re ready to deny food riots are happening too,” the source adds. “But just to be well ahead of those the PM is choosing which foreign country to go on holiday too when Priti Patel is given free range to crush the starving multitudes into the dirt.”

Believe HARDER in Brexit. Embrace Brexit HARDER. If you don’t you’ll only notice the lack of food and other goods faster.

REWARD FOR EFFORT : Alleviating news this week that Boris Johnson’s trade genius Liz Truss has been ordered to award prominent Brexiters with even more public cash expenditure.

The overwhelming majority of nostalgia freaks who could never grasp the value of Union with the EU27 have already been ennobled, which is nice, and now they’re being given additional ways to spend their retirements.

“We’re sending them all around the world to talk up trading with the United Kingdom,” a small parasite that lives on the apple discarded in one of Ms Truss’s desk drawers told LCD Views. “Botham, Hoey and the rest of the list of shame are going to go about the world carrying the new variants we produce with our herd immunity experiments and bring back trade for Blighty.”

It’s believed the envoys, who demonstrably know nothing at all about trade, because they’re Brexiters, will serve to big up Blighty and lead to a wealth of trade. At least until the internet is invented.

“It’s hoped one of them will find Eldorado,” the small parasite explains, “and be able to bring home fully stocked supermarket shelves. Nando’s with chicken. McDonalds restaurants with milkshakes. Beefeaters with beef. So on like this. It’ll solve those Brexit teething problems.”

The other driving force for it is the same as that behind Mr Johnson’s trade dinghy.

“Mr Johnson also knows sod all about trade. He bases his policies on a fetish for imperialism and not realty. The trade envoys fit neatly into that.”

But some are not entirely impressed. Surprisingly they’re not all overseas, and the long suffering functionaries that will have to entertain our clueless heralds.

“We can’t even stock our supermarkets, but sure let’s send Beefy to Australia to explain to the Aussies that we’re a trading powerhouse. That makes perfect sense.”

Perfect Brexit sense. Which means it’s nonsense.

WORLD FIRSTS : The good and loyal people of Hartlepool have been selected for a cannibalism trial by 10 Downing Street.

The decision to “test drive” eating other people in the town was taken to reward them for electing a Conservative MP in the recent by-election, and blaming the Labour council for it.

“Mr Johnson wants to level up the country and reward those areas especially which have shown loyalty to him, but which he doesn’t personally intend to visit anymore,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “The people of Hartlepool will have the freedom to decide how they select who gets eaten. We suggest the traditional technique favoured by shipwrecked sailors of drawing lots. But it will be at their discretion. Perhaps survival of the fittest would be more fitting for Brexit Britain.”

To ensure the success of the trial the town will be surrounded by military assets. This has caused some dissent within the Conservative Party with several MPs concerned it will only worsen the HGV driver crisis.

“This could backfire on us,” Pingle Bumblebum, MP for Blue Rosette, told LCD Views. “People waiting for their supermarkets to get deliveries will have to wait longer while army drivers are diverted to form a cordon around Hartlepool. I’m not sure if it’s been fully thought through.”

The exact recipes the Hartlepoolians should use when cooking one another aren’t yet clear. It was thought that livers could be cooked with fava beans and accompanied by a nice chianti, but there are supply side issues on both.

“The pingdemic means that the drivers who would usually have taken the fava beans and Italian wines to Hartlepool are currently self-isolating driving HGV’s in EU27 countries. We recommend that people go ahead and forage herbs from local verges.”

It’s not recommended that anyone tries just eating their neighbours ‘tartare’ as “why miss out on a chance to level up your British summer by failing to BBQ.”

If the scheme is successful in reducing the demand in Hartlepool supermarkets it will be expanded across the country.

“People voted overwhelmingly to endanger their food supplies in the 2016 referendum,” Pingle Bumblebum added, “this is just the natural consequence. We’re not going to do anything else about it. If I were you I’d practice sprinting now, before your town joins Hartlepool.”

KEEP ON TRUCKING : Fantastic news for Global Citizens of Global Britain today after the worsening HGV driver crisis was solved instantaneously.

The answer has been staring us in the face,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “Everyone has been carrying on as if the shortage of drivers wasn’t related to Brexit. That it was caused by the ‘pingdemic’. Of course it’s entirely the fault of Brexit and Brexiters. All we had to do once we realised that was look to Brexit traditions for the answer.”

The traditions of Brexit are of course now rich, repetitive, repetitive and repetitive. The actual legal change to the UK’s relationship with the supplier of much of its food and labour did finally introduce newness, by involving the real world. Now that consequences are here Global Britain has to adapt to them.

“We’ll adapt to them by remembering the truths of Brexit. Namely that the EU needs us more than we need the EU. This is obvious, because we’re British.”

It seems this enduring truth will be the solution to the driver crisis and it will be rapid.

“We’re still going to train some local drivers at speed and hope the haste doesn’t result in headline worthy fatal crashes,” the source continues, “but we’re also going to send a strong message to those 10’s of 1000’s of absent EU HGV drivers. Nando’s needs its chicken. You need your groceries. We’re going to sort it.”

In the coming day a cabinet minister will be chosen by lottery to talk directly to the workshy Europeans.

“We’ll simply remind them they need us more than we need them. They’ll come flooding back across the Channel. After they’re been detained by the Home Office for an indeterminate amount of time they’ll be detained at an inland border facility in Kent. Next they’ll be fined for failing to get a Kent Access Permit. Following that they’ll be charged hundreds for LFT’s they get for almost nothing at home. When that’s all completed it will be a simple matter of sending them to a British farm to wait for next year’s crops to be harvested. It couldn’t be simpler.”

RECEIVED WISDOM : The BBC’s domestic news desk is in a bullish mood today as it defends a recent spate of authoritative articles on the struggles faced by British businesses.

The main issues appear to be supply side with incoming goods from the European continent interrupted by a mysterious force previously unknown to business. Plus millions of EU27 nationals completely refusing to come back across the Channel in spite of the Home Secretary “fluffing their pillows for them and folding over the ends of the toilet roll like a fancy hotel does”.

Recent difficulties in the Suez underscore why it would have been better if the British attempt to operate the vital shipping lane “pragmatically” had succeeded. Still there does appear to be a new magic working to undermine the British economy.

“It’s a spell. Someone is casting a spell,” an imagined insider, coordinating propaganda between Downing Street and the BBC, told LCD Views. “We’re going to have to bring back witch burning to solve it. Rees-mogg is beside himself in anticipation. It must be an exceedingly strong spell too. What exceptional force can overcome Britishness?”

It is further reported that Downing Street is demanding the BBC report the problems from emptying supermarket shelves to closure of Nando’s accurately, just to be “careful with the language so as not to provoke alarm in the general populace”.

Hopes the British Army could be brought in to locate and destroy the “wizard, warlock, witch or coven” casting the spell have been dashed as they’re already overstretched driving HGV’s and ambulances.

“What I would say to whomever is casting the spell is just stop it,” the insider adds. “You’re only hurting yourself in the long run. Just cancel the spell and release the HGV, NHS, farm and building workers from the cave you’ve imprisoned them in and we can forget all about it.”

In the interim the word “witchcraft” will be used to explain the perplexing problems, except by the World Service, where hope survives even as the Tory worms eat at the woodwork.

CHARGRILLED SOVEREIGNTY: Famous piri-piri chicken franchise Nando’s alarmed many when it took the decision to close dozens of British outlets today because of a mysterious lack of chicken.

Clearly there are no suggestions that Brexit is in anyway involved in the supply side crisis. Everyone knows it is the so called pingdemic and how it especially favours EU HGV drivers and hospitality workers. The fact of Northern Ireland and Republic of Ireland stores being unaffected is a mystery for tomorrow.

“I blame the Home Office,” a grilled chicken analyst told LCD Views. “The Home Secretary is rumoured to have personally demanded the NHS app was made especially sensitive for close contacts who are EU27 nationals. That special message just for them telling them to get out or I’ll come for you, digitally signed by Ms Patel only worsened matters.”

While it’s reassuring for the nation to know that Brexit has nothing whatsoever to do with the chickens missing in action, the famous chain is taking action to rectify the situation and reopen stores.

“I’ve heard they have consulted with government who has threatened to nationalise and then liquidate the business if they do so much as suggest Brexit is involved,” our analyst continues. “Happily though Brexit can actually ride to the rescue with just some minor changes to the menu.”

The changes are said to be replacing chicken with sovereignty.

“Brexit sovereignty is world beating. It lets you push around foreigners across the Channel. It’s essentially a magic spell that bends them to your will. But it can also be worn, used to heat your home, replace spur of the moment short breaks overseas, student exchange programmes and even cooked then served as piri-piri chicken. It’s an amazing substance.”

There is only one potential snag to the solution and that’s the price.

“People will adjust to the cost of sovereignty. Once you get used to paying through the nose for a limited range of choices you’ll be thanking Boris Johnson for chargrilling our trading relationship with Europe.”

CHAMPAGNE GOVERNMENT : Prime Minister Boris Johnson has sent a fire ship straight into the anti-Brexit fleet today by appointing a new Minister for Brexit Benefits.

Questions have been asked for some time why an entire new ministry has not been established by Johnson’s government to manage the sunlit uplands, given Brexit is such a roaring success the Official Opposition dare not talk about it. Today Mr Johnson has answered those questions with characteristic flair.

“The new Ministry will have all the budget,” a spokesman for 10 Downing Street told LCD Views. “Whatever is left after we’ve rewarded our donors will go straight into the Ministry. This will help the NHS in particular by providing certainty over its future.”

The Minister itself is not a surprise as it is just an empty wine crate Mr Johnson left in the corner of his office after lunch yesterday.

“He’s called it Franklin, just so people have a handle for it. But there is no handle because it’s an empty wine crate. Not just any empty box though, it’s got Pernod-Ricard Perrier-Jouet stamped on the side.”

The portfolio of the new minister is not thought to be too exacting and should be easily managed by an inanimate object.

“The Minister will be going through the contact lists of the cabinet and appointing a diverse range of Tory MP linked figures to the staff. In spite of the current drive to get back into the office they will all work from home. This is because there will be no work to do.”

This is because there are no Brexit benefits.

“To say there are no Brexit benefits is a lie. If you’ve backed it politically you’re making hay right now, which is a surprise given the sun refuses to shine, not just this summer, especially on Brexit.”

GRIN WHEN YOU’RE WINNING : 10 DOWNING STREET is putting itself firmly behind this nation of shopkeepers today with a new drive to encourage voters to spend their Brexit bonuses.

For some time it has been a source of confusion to 10 Downing Street why Brits aren’t rushing into the shops and rushing home with some unique bargains. It’s certainly true that Mr and Mrs Johnson are doing their part to aid the economic recovery by spending the money of donors. But ordinary plebs who have to spend their own money also have a job to do.

“Hardly anyone is dying each day now from the pandemic,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “We’re looking to plateau at a 100 completely avoidable fatalities a day without counting up what that means each month. So there’s no reason not to crowd into your local shops with the people who no longer wear a mask.”

Although the warm words are welcome and will certainly cause a boost to high street takings, some may need more encouragement.

“We are disappointed that some retailers aren’t doing everything they can to boost the economy,” the source continues. “The usual range of goods may occasionally be missing from shops due to a spell cast by an ancient Babylonian witch, but that should force innovative new British made product lines.”

In particular 10 Downing Street appears to be thinking of souvenirs. Which is fitting as this is a unique period in the history of the United Kingdom.

“You‘re going to feel pretty silly when all you have to hold as a momento of this time is the ration book you’ll be getting from Boris Johnson this Christmas,” they advise. “When you could have also bought one of those cardboard shelf fillers from Sainsbury’s. This is where supermarkets need to think outside of the box, even if the box was once filled with fresh fruit and veg and is now filled with cardboard.”