Category: Brexit

LCD Views has the breaking news today that a fiendish plot by unelected, traitorous, disconnected, elite, metrocrat bubble, rye bread eating, centrist, libtard, treason craving, leader undermining, rough sleeping causing, negotiating hand tying, ignorant, arrogant, undemocratic, avocado smashing, FRENCH champagne drinking, remoaniacing remainers to sabotage post Brexit diplomatic relations between London and outlying counties has been exposed.

“People began phoning the emergency services around dawn,” a spokesman for the prime minister told LCD Views, “they saw millions of people out alongside the M25 with shovels and crowbars,

“They were clearly up to no good at all. They’d ringed London like a viking army of legend. And some of the beards! So many hipsters. The alarm was escalated rapidly to the highest levels of government.”

But Ms May was busy choosing her neck chain for the day, an especially fat and powerful bit of chain to overpower Merkel in their meeting later, and there was a considerable delay before action was taken.

“She just assumed at first Grayling was getting on with infrastructure work,” the aide explained, “which was odd, as that is one thing he never does,

“When she realised that wasn’t the case, she just assumed it was McVey and the DWP putting lazy, benefit cheats to work. Any busy work will do. So long as it means they miss their latest assessment and get kicked off Universal Credit. That’s how the system is designed to work. We’ve targets to hit. Don’t get in the way of the target, you’ll get shot! ha!”

But this also was incorrect?

“Yes. The time lag taken to summon Cobra almost allowed those traitorous Londoners to get away with it! There’s many immigrants in London you know. A lot of EU27 nationals too. Ms May sees them all the time. She knew they’d be up to no good, because they’re foreign. Ms May can spot a foreigner at fifty yards.”

But what has Ms May done? We’ve been out along the M25 and they’re still digging furiously at the side of the road. It looks like the entire M25 is being upended onto its side to form a wall around London! They seem to want to keep all the potato headed kippers out!

“Oh, it’ll will be alright. May has gone into the Temple Brexit and summoned the will of the people from the depths of fascist hell. Once she has harnessed the power fully in her hands she will channel it into a parliamentary instrument, which doesn’t need oversight or approval from MPs, and zap all those sabotaging remainers to dust. You know, internment camps for wrong thinkers. Labour leaders are well up for that too. Don’t go undermining the leader by pointing out the obvious, cynical, populist crap he’s spouting when he should be acting like an opposition and tearing down the most vile and duplicitous administration anyone can remember!

“G4S is looking at a post Brexit boom almost as big as the tax dodging industry. Get in now before the stocks boom,

“The M25 will soon fall flat again and everyone will still be able to access London for the food rioting in the spring of 2019. Londoners will not be allowed to build a wall, even though those greedy bastards can probably pay for it.”

We’ll that’s a relief. I’ve got my pitchfork already. Democracy must not be allowed to be subverted.

“Except by lying, corruption, fraud, foreign interference, cynical promises on buses and evasion of parliamentary scrutiny.”

Quite.

Brexit is failing. Every day, it seems, brings another nail to hammer into its coffin. Boris starts swearing. The EU refuses to capitulate. Gove rips policy documents up. This may be terrible news to those of us who look forward to a peaceful and prosperous future, but there is good news. Our last summer within the EU is a scorcher, and it is being caused by social media users getting hot under the collar.

Every news item is accompanied by a chorus of sneering remainers (they’re upsetting Farage), saying “we told you so, but you wouldn’t listen!” and “But, but, I thought that Brexit means Brexit!” and other unjustifiable and narky comments.

This has generated so much heat that the usual British rain clouds have gone on holiday.

Bet Aroffin is typical. “Yes, I voted remain,” says Bet, smugly. “I wanted harmony and security, and to be part of a powerful yet benevolent superpower. The idiots in charge are making a gammon’s ear of things, so now I feel safe to exude smugness and shout ‘Twat!” whenever I like.”

The “I didn’t vote for this!” brigade are angry too, and their fury at being betrayed increases the temperature further. Especially as tens of thousands of automated social media profiles are directed in to support the kippers and battle it out in threads with remoaniacs.

“I have been let down, like a tyre,” quips changeling Flo Tingvote. “I just wanted to go back to the good old days, you know, the three day week, power cuts and only three channels on TV. And fewer immigrants. Mind you, Mr and Mrs Pancholi next door are really nice. It’s the other ones who need to go.”

Heat is being generated across the spectrum. In a busy cafe, Hammond Pineapple puts down his copy of the Sun and wags his finger. “I’m sick of it all!” he shouts, his face colouring. “Kick out the illegals, close the border and tell the EU to eff off. It’s as simple as that, why don’t they get it?”

Why do you want Brexit so much?

“Why?” screams Pineapple, his temperature rising. “It’s not about why. I’m sick of being dictated to by a faceless body in Brussels. It’s like being in Russia. I would prefer slavery!”

That might be the first bit of good news this government has had in a long time.

The long, tortuous, calamitous process of EUxit from the United Kingdom has revealed the EU to be the slow boiling frog of European politics.

No more so than today with yet another patient warning from leading nationalists in the superstate governed from Westminster, calling on the EU to get its act together.

”It’s time for the EU’s games to cease,” Junker and Barnier, Merkel, Macron and Tusk, were warned in a joint letter by Theresa May (referred to across the channel by various ways of saying Mother) and David Davis (referred to as timber).

The letter, on official House of Commons paper, was left on the luggage rack of a Eurostar carriage, so there was no doubt about the EU getting the message about the British position.

“For too long consensus on rules, as a mechanism for allowing dozens of countries to operate in unison, have stymied the process of EUxit from the United Kingdom,” the warning continued,

“it will simply not be possible, however charitable the spirit at Downing Street, for May to agree the terms of the EU’s departure if they continue to refuse to smash it out over tequila shots with David Davis in the back room of a private member’s club, before shoving all the boring stuff aside and bringing in the lap dancers.”

The warning is a timely one and it is hoped that the EU will finally come to terms with the relative power difference between themselves, a struggling trading bloc, and the might of the British Empire.

A spokesman for the greatest Conservative prime minister of the period in British history between 2016 – 2019 has denied the farseeing administration is now the definition of insanity.

The spokesman agreed to talk to LCD Views, but only on the condition we did it while standing on the edge of a Dover cliff with a fish on our head, and importantly, one leg dangling over the edge into the air and a stiff British breeze to our back.

”Mind the gusts,” they advised, “some are pretty gusty. You could be blown over.”

We agreed to be mindful and declared ourselves ready for their statement, while wondering how long the fish would stay fresh in this heat.

”Just because we keep taking big slabs of cake and smearing them down a unicorn’s horn before jamming the unruly animal on a Eurostar so it can be sped to Brussels,” the spokesman declared, “where it will be ritually slaughtered by facts in the hands of some rules based system, doesn’t mean we’re nuts. It means we’re persistent. It means we’re stable. If at first you don’t succeed try, try and try again.”

They tottered some as a gust gusted.

But surely as news breaks that Theresa May is running around her cabinet holding yet another cherry picking piece of paper, titled VOTE FOR MY BLOODY DEAL and begging her vegetables to back it, it’s looking more likely that the prime minister and her cabinet of millionaires aren’t listening to a damn thing the EU, and reality, or much of the public are saying?

”Shush now. Mind the seagulls. They’re eyeing up that fish. You could get pulled over. Don’t say another word or you risk tying the prime minister’s hands.”

But she’s already handcuffed them with a set of manacles made out of barbed wire with her red lines.

”Now you’re being unpatriotic! Get behind Britain and push!”

The EU laid out their position long ago. It hasn’t changed. Dozens of countries can only work together if they agree on rules.

“Rules are for the weak! How do you pull off a con of the asset stripping magnitude of Brexit by obeying rules?”

Clearly not by obeying electoral ones.

They stamped their foot and a spray of dirt was picked up by the breeze as the cliff edge crumbled a little.

Don’t you think you should step back from the edge? Before it’s too late?

”You just wait and see. We will keep repackaging proposals that the EU has already rejected until they get fed up and realise…”

They realise what?

”They need us to go away more than we need them.”

You’re insane.

”And you’re standing on the edge of a cliff with a dead fish on your head. What’s that make you?”

Ready for an interview with Nigel Farage?

“The mores fires raging OUT OFF CUNTROL!!,!,!! in Yorkshire are a remainiac plot to undermine May’s negotiating hand,!!!,,!” a leading Brexiter claimed on social media today, as fires rage north of the Watford gap.

”Is not a coin incident!” they added, going on to reassert that fires burning across the news and the landscape have been started deliberately by unpatriotic remoaniacs “working for Junka and Sorros to create a won world government.”

”They wunt too get rid of proper British patriot voters,” the account added, when faced with query as to their geographical accuracy.

It seems the explanation that the unusual heatwave gripping the country has dried the landscape of many moors out so much they are tinder dry and prone to combustion; is not cutting any mustard with Brexit backers.

”to convenicement bye half.”

And this particular account wasn’t alone in their confusion or opinion.

”Roger Moore was a leave voter! They are trying to silence him with fire!” @incomprehensibleBrexit69 posted on Twitter, to a following of Russian automated accounts.

These have been diminishing steadily, as most are being re-tasked to follow and attack #FBPE accounts on twitter with claims they hate leading Brexiter Jeremy Corbyn.

This is seen as a way to shore up support for the Labour leader and engender even more division in U.K. politics ahead of our complete international isolation following Brexit and the destruction of our internet by a Putin internet “A bomb” test run.

Good luck lighting your home and buying food after Brexit.

The claims about #FBPE motives are a doubly effective measure when Corbyn’s genuine supporters follow up with the killer recruiting cry of “f*ck off and vote Tory then!”.

Asked how the landscape fires will impact on the hypothetical result of a hypothetical people’s vote on the Brexit deal, the BBC’s polling expert said the following,

”It’s undoubted that support for Brexit amongst the dense populations of the Moore’s, Moors and more has not changed significantly since Her Majesty’s Government began pursuing the overwhelming mandate delivered by the British people for national renewal by Brexit,

”These fires, which polling suggest were indeed started by avocado smashing Londoners by a ratio of two to one, are obviously a remainiac plot to subvert the will of the British people, including the mass urban centres on the Moors,

”It will not be successful, according to our disinterested survey of support for Brexit since half the country went up in smoke. The vast majority of real and Kremlin created Britons just want the government to get on with it.”

So there you have it. The cuntry is burning and we aim to make a success of it! And no remain plot is going to stop us!

UK prime minister has informed Football’s international governing body FIFA that she expects England to be awarded the world cup, whether or not they manage to progress through the knockout stages and win the final.

May rounded on FIFA executives Friday after they warned her that her government’s intransigence over the question of just who qualifies to play for Ireland and Northern Ireland was jeopardising the future of talks over England’s continued membership of the Geneva based footballing cartel.

“World Cup means world cup. The English people have spoken, and what they’ve said is that they want to win, and now that Germany has been eliminated, and we’ve beaten Belgium to second place in the group we don’t see why we should have to kick any more balls when we should just be celebrating,” she said claiming that by failing to accede to their wishes was putting lives at risk.

“Thousands of  gammon faced English patriots with unfeasibly large bellies have spent everything they have to watch a victorious England team parade the cup around Moscow. Unless FIFA agrees to show more flexibility you will be risking both their lives and the lives of innocent bystanders swept up in a drunken orgy of violence, profanity and public urination,” she warned,.

FIFA spokesman, and former head of the Scottish FA, Abe McAbe warned that a “huge and serious” gap continues to exist between England and the other 211 member associations, none of whom agrees with May’s position, that England should be given what they want now, just because they happen to want it.

“Frankly, just because a bunch of fat red faced old twats get drunk and sing “two world wars and one world cup, doo-dah”, doesn’t entitle you to win the world cup again,” he explained pointing out that there remained serious unanswered questions of how England managed to win the thing for the first time in 1966.

“Instead of just demanding the cup on a plate, Mrs May should go out and find herself a Russian linesman who can deliver it up for her…” he winked pointing out that with the UK about to crash out of the EU she wouldn’t have to wait long to repeat the immortal mantra of..

“They think it’s all over…. it is now…” he smirked.

However, a spokesman for the Russian FA, Vladimir Offsaydovitch denied that his organisation would have anything to do with match fixing, least of all to benefit England.

“Red shirts are not everything, and in any case the so called Russian linesman Tofiq Bahramov was actually from Azerbaijan, which is now an independent country, so why don’t you speak to their FA,” he said.

Commenting on the stand off, former UKIP donor and serial Russian embassy dinner guest L, Ron Bankovitch commented that Football was a game of two halves and that whatever the result looked like being at half time could easily be changed.

“After the right bets have been placed and , a call made to my good friend Vladimir, of course,” he winked, a cheeky grin playing around his grossly distended bank balance.

Police have released a photo this morning of a criminal duo responsible for stealing the future of millions of young Britons.

“Look at this pair of fraudsters,” Detective Rights comments, ““She is acting pretty much solely out of a bizarre and deep seated loathing of foreigners. She wants to take away any rights they have in the U.K. and she’s a prolific thief at that.

“He is just an idiot.

“Thick as a packet of mince. I don’t know how they’ve gotten away with it for so long. The sheer volume of rights they’ve nicked and piled up in their central London hideout is mind boggling.”

But getting away with it they have been.

”And for too long. We’ve been on their trail for a couple of years, but wherever we get close to fingering their collars they melt away. I’m concerned they have some very wealthy backers. People in a position of power and influence who are prepared to turn a blind eye to the mass theft so long as they get something in return.”

But can they be stopped?

”Of course they can. Unfortunately the man tasked to stop them isn’t up to the job. Old timer. Serving it out till his pension. More concerned with jam making than doing his job. Oh and squabbling with his family. The public are going to have to step up.”

What should people do?

”Be vigilant. Stay alert. The criminal acts are performed much like pickpockets. They target the blithe, the unaware, the distracted. Before you realise they’ve nicked your wallet and walked away into the crowd.”

And what’s your advice to young people?

”Mass, peaceful protest. Fill the streets. Don’t give this pair of chancers a space to operate in. And older people too. Their future is being stolen too. Get out there. You put enough people on the street often enough, you’ll scare the devil out of the entire gang.”

British rodents, most of whom have lived in our island nation since the end of the ice age, are preparing to leave the country en masse, should the UK fail to agree a post Brexit trade deal with the European Union.

“It’s a sad day – many of our member groups have been here since long before the first two legged vermin set foot on the island,” said Hammy Hamster, spokesman for “Rodentia”, the umbrella group representing disparate rodent species throughout the UK.

Standing outside Rodentia’s headquarters, on the riverbank, flanked by his assistants Squirrel Nutkin, Ratty the water vole and Mrs. Tittlemouse, Hamster explained that the difficult decision had been reached by a majority vote of all participating rodent chapters, following news of the imminent departures of Airbus Industries, BMW and the entire UK financial services sector.

“We hear constantly of ‘the best laid plans of mice and men’, but trust me this fuck up is entirely human,” he said explaining that Rodentia’s mice chapter knew which side their bread was buttered on.

“They’re sticking with cheeses…French cheeses. .hallelujah !,” he punned.

In fact, he explained support for the mass abandonment was close to unanimous.

“Our rat chapter was strongly in favour,” he said pointing out their long time symbiotic relationship with the bankers, brokers and commodity traders within the square mile of the city of London.

“Indeed, without them to measure ourselves by, what are we?” asked rat chapter head , Roland Rat, tipping back his cap and giving a wistful twitch of his whiskers.

Hamster conceded though that support from all chapters of Rodentia was not unanimous with the squirrel chapter irrevocably split between the smaller native red grouping who fully support Rodentia’s move, and the rival grey extremists who have never fully adapted to British rodent customs and who favour forming a new nut trading alliance with their  North American relatives.

“However it’s wrong to assume all immigrant species support subversive extremist groups,” explained Hamster pointing out that the entire population of European pet hamsters, British ones included, can trace their ancestry back to a single pair who migrated from Syria in 1930.

” Steve Jobs, Paul Anka…Bob Marley….hamsters. Syria isn’t all ISIS, civil war, and refugees ,” he added.

Responding to Rodentia’s warning, leading Brexit campaigner and life member of the BBC’s question time panel, Nigel Farage was typically dismissive.

“This is just another typical example of rats deserting a sinking ship,” he sneered, quickly correcting himself by pointing out that obviously as “any fule kno” – “the ship isn’t actually sinking, and if it is, it couldn’t possibly be my fault.…haha…”

Countering Farage’s criticism Hamster offered a scathing response.

“Frankly, my members are fed up with cheap speciesist hate speech of this nature. Perhaps in the past the odd rodent may have deserted a ship which was sinking – as would any sane creature – what do you think we are, lemmings?” he asked.

 

The Ministry of Health was in an ecstatic mood today as a study of the most recent Brexit possibilities promised to carve billions off the cost of treating obesity and type something diabetes by way of a new lean, mean Britain.

“It’s going to save the NHS a bistro of cash,” an aide to Health Secretary, and Forgetful Property Developer, Jeremy Hunt told LCD Views, “and these savings can be reinvested into luxury apartments.”

The savings are expected to be made soon after the United Kingdom crashes out of the European Union in March 2019.

”It’s a tangible benefit of Brexit,” the aide continued, “it’s a shame the British people in their much lauded wisdom didn’t see fit to gift Ms May an overwhelming majority at the June 2017 general election or we would have already crashed out and gotten all skinny.”

But the spoils are already being fought over in a cabinet fast gaining a reputation for squabbling like kids over a round chocolate ball, unaware it’s actually a turd coated Brussels sprout.

”Michael Gove is claiming the food shortages to come should be seen as his doing in charge of DEFRA, and the failure to ensure adequate food stocks ahread of Brexit, but that’s just a load of old cobblers, as Brexiters are most likely even now investing heavily in food commodities.

And anyway, he was always a Brexiter, whereas Jeremy Hunt has undergone a conversion on the back of realising how greedily hedge funds are going to tuck in.”

The DWP is set to enjoy the food frenzy too as proper British starvation promises to end the persistent problem of work shyness in the disabled and terminally ill.

”Once the middle classes are hungry and using their sharp elbows to outbid each other for tins of beans down at the food banks the lazy poor will have no choice but to get out and pick that fruit. It’s a right Brexit dividend.”

Runours that Weird Al Yankovic has been approached to record a celebratory charity version of his famous 80’s classic “Just Eat It” are yet to be confirmed.

“It’ll be great if he does,” the aide said, “he can record it at Abbey Road studios before Corbyn’s disaster socialists sweep to power on the back of the hunger, rioting and poverty they’ve abstained so hard for. Then we can nationalise both Abbey Road Studios and Weird Al and make him record ‘Where’s Jeremy Corbyn?’ for the B side.”

Remember kids! As we embrace the possibilities of Brexit with seamless imaginations a bad meal is better than no meal. Just eat it.

The latest edict to come from the Downing Street bunker has a familiar theme. The three wise Brexiteers are refusing to see, hear or say anything negative about Brexit.

See No Evil, also known as Jeremy C. Hunt, has been all over the media recently. Presented with the forecasts from business leaders, fearing an economic downturn, Hunt refused to see the point. “These ‘siren voices’ need to stop luring us onto the rocks,” he said. “Pay no attention to sirens. When air raid sirens sounded during the Blitz, did the plucky Brits rush like cowards into bunkers and the London Underground? Of course not! They stood defiantly in the streets and deflected the bombs by sheer force of the British Dunkirk Spirit!”

Hunt was also embarrassed, as yet another broadcaster mistook his middle initial for the first letter of his surname. “It’s Jeremy C. Hunt, not Jeremy C… well, you get the picture,” he moaned.

The mantle of Hear No Evil is worn by Jacob Rees-Mogg. Nothing negative about Brexit manages to permeate his eardrums. His frequent presence on the radio enables him to exercise this talent. Contradictions flow from the man like water from a tap. “Lowering taxes will help the economy grow!” he waffled recently. “This means everyone earns more, well everyone who matters anyway, so this means a higher tax take which means the NHS is safe in our hands! No, raising taxes is not an easier way to achieve this, it’s just plain wrong!”

His company’s recent relocation to Ireland – to the EU, in other words – suggests that Mr Rees-Mogg ain’t as deaf as he makes out.

Boris “I can’t believe he’s not been sacked yet!” Johnson completes the triumvirate. He will Speak No Evil about Brexit, but plenty of evil about everything else. He once promised to lie down in front of the bulldozers, like a slightly less credible Arthur Dent, to prevent Heathrow’s third runway being built. However, Boris managed to be in Afghanistan to avoid voting. The bullshitting bully dodged the bulldozer bullet in Kabul.

Mr Johnson’s unequivocal comment was “F*ck Heathrow!”

There remains a long-standing vacancy for the fourth wise Brexiteer, Do No Evil.