Category: Brexit

“I hadn’t quite understood the results of blowing your feet off with a shotgun,” Dominic Raab told a rapt audience last night, “But I still insist the UK blow its feet off with a shotgun, because of the significant savings to be had on socks and shoes.”

The insistence on the chosen course, in spite of new discoveries (that very many people already knew) is certain to bolster the UK’s negotiating hand with the tyrannical EU.

”They know we mean business,” Raab continued, “who wants to mess with someone so determined they’re prepared to chop off their negotiating hand with a meat cleaver? Barnier dresses well. He’ll be terrified of the potential dry cleaning bill should any of our blood splatter get on his suit. Right now he’s begging Chancellor Markle to demand she uses her family connections to have Prince Harry accept the EU’s surrender.”

Of this Raab looked certain. He was a little more contrite during the closing stages of his address though, when he revealed some recent discoveries to the audience, expecting them to be just as surprised as he was.

”Bears shit in the woods. Did you know that? Not many people know that. The Pope IS catholic. The sun also rises. Oh, and most shocking of all, the U.K. is an island! Pretty much floored me that, when I realised it.”

He went on for some time after, explaining the possibilities for booming trade with the rest of the world, after Brexit, just as soon as we discover if the rest of the world is also an island, or not.

The speech concluded he stepped triumphantly from the lectern and caught a glimpse of his own reflection in a mirrored surface.

That was when it happened.

”Who the hell are you?” Raab demanded of the thuggish looking stranger in the mirror.

When the aggressively stupid interloper just mimicked him, Raab threw the first punch, both of them at once.

Doctors report he is expected to recover, after hand surgery, he’ll still be a wanker, and happily there was no facial damage, because his head was wedged securely in his arse.

Fake knews broadcaster C4 is to be charged with the knew crime of “betraying the will off the people” after deliberately revealing the will of the people live on a little C4 chat show last night.

”Of course it doesn’t matter what the people now think,” Barry Gardiner MP, UKIP, told LCD Views, “the people decided what their will was a few years back and it doesn’t matter if their will has dramatically altered because we’re determined to assist Theresa May’s (MP – UKIP) government implement the will of the people from when it was fixed in stone by a thunderbolt from God.”

The shock revelation of the change in attitude of the people of the U.K. doesn’t matter because it wasn’t assessed in the right way.

”Was there mass data crime in the latest Survation poll of 20,000 people? Well above the 5,000 required for scientific rigour? Was there undue foreign influence? Was there millions funnelled into the campaign from shadowy overseas backers determined to see the break up of the EU for their own kleptoimperialist motives?”

Apparrently not, it was a poll conducted in the Standard manner without the above.

”Then it doesn’t count. Not that campaigns influence people’s decisions anyway. Just ask my boss John McDonnell (MP – UKIP) or our trumpeter Owen Jones (MP – UKIP). Crime should pay. Especially if you’re fantasising about taking government with Henry VIIi powers in the midst of economic calamity and want to bring everything conceivable under total state control. For the many you understand. C4 shouldn’t be standing in the way of the people by revealing what they think based on several yearsnew evidence.”

And Mr Gardiner (MP – UKIP) wasn’t alone in his frank assessment of C4’s betrayal of the people.

”I’m changing the law today, with Henry VIII powers,” David Gauke (MP – UKIP) phoned in especially to tell us, “it was nice of parliament to vote through the EU Withdrawal Bill and make itself irrelevant. Slackers. Ha!”

But betraying the will of the people by revealing the will of the people becoming criminalised isn’t the only change coming in immediately, thanks to Henry VIII powers.

”We’ll also probably be making mass, secretive foreign donations to U.K. political campaigns entirely legal,” the minister (UKIP) clarified, “that way people who buy influence in our once great democratic institutions can be sure of getting what they wanted. Oh, and the change will be retrospective, just in case any of my colleagues find themselves in the shit as little Banksi gets hung out to dry.”

All across the land today potatriotic cooks and dodgy accountants working for dodgier politicians, the kind of work that makes you hungry, are celebrating with the latest update to the Brexit cookbook.

“When you’re deciding the fate of an entire continent you have to eat right,” David Davis, recently demoted from Head Chef to Commis Chef, said, “you’ve got to eat brain food. As much brain food as you can stomach. Mmmm brains. Brains.”

And what food could be brainer than modern micro-electronics?

“Exactly, and this diet has added security benefits,” Davis explained, “because no mobile phone is more secure than one that’s been in a microwave for ten minutes circling around on high power.”

Are these dessert recipes or entrees?

“Good question, we haven’t decided that, we’ve been so busy working on which sauces to baste and drizzle and drench the phones in, and just how high the power needs to be, that we hadn’t decided what course they are. Bit silly of us. But we’re more big picture people, the detail is for others. This will allow chefs all across the UK to get creative.”

So the Brexit cookbook is not just cannibalism related now?

“No! Isn’t it marvellous. We’re so smart! In fact these recipes will likely extend the lives of family pets.”

How so?

“Well, before you eat fido or Mr Chips, you can work through that collection of old mobiles you’ve got in a drawer in the study.”

It sounds to us that post Brexit food supplies are now more secure than ever.

“You just leave it to us. Right now our top secret team is working on a microwave big enough to hold the entire ERG. Once we step inside no one will know what we’re talking about. The noise of the microwave oven in operation will drown out our words. And our spinning in circles will make it impossible for lip readers!”

I trust you with our country’s future. And remember, as the brains behind Brexit the cookbook say, when you’ve finished cooking your books, why not fry your phone!

Nigel Farage was in a forgetful mood today when he used his famous LBC Breakfash show ‘Bring Back the Fash’ to deny knowing Arron Banks.

“I’ve never met him. I’ve never heard of him. Frankly, and I want to make this perfectly clear, I don’t know who you are talking about. I don’t even have car insurance. So why would I know this man I don’t know? I get chauffeured everywhere anyway, as it helps pay the bills of the hardworking man in the street.”

He paused, the sound of a man wringing the sweat out of a shirt collar could be heard, before Nigel ‘potatriot’ Fuhrerage went on,

“The only bankski I know, and everyone who’s been paying any attention at all to my efforts to stand up for the average man in the street knows this, the only bank I know is the one my EU MEP salary is deposited in. Which is not paid in roubles,

”Which is a laugh, when you consider how little actual work of representing the people of Thanet I do in the undemocratic, fully elected parliament of the EU. And is a complete scandal since they docked half my salary for misuse of funds.”

The clarification by Nigel of who he does and doesn’t know was timely, given that his presumed close associate Arron Banks is now under investigation by both the NCA and the FCA.

”The last time Arron and I spoke, completely by chance, as we’ve never met, I told him Arron, you keep using that curious cash supply of yours to target Tory MPs in their actual seats, the establishment will get you. Remember you’re more disposable than a used nappy full of corn and shit. Don’t push your luck. But he wouldn’t listen as he assumed that just winning the EU ref with dirty tricks immediately gave us superpowers the kind any far right coup assumes. But it’s not over damn it, May bottled the election last year and oh, let’s not talk about it, I’ve some shredding to do and I’m going to do it live on air all day.”

But he did have one piece of advice for the man he’s never met.

”Whatever you do, don’t tell them we’ve ever met,” Nigel pleaded, “I’ve enough trouble as it is with Mueller breathing down my neck.”

The Brexit can has been kicked down the road many, many times now. However, this has two major consequences. One, the government is running out of road. Two, the worms are beginning to emerge.

One of the biggest, juiciest worms is Arron Banks. He is under investigation over his Leave.EU referendum campaign overspending. You can almost hear the documents being shredded, like a Banksy painting, at Leave.EU HQ. Many others are being hurriedly incinerated. This has already been dubbed a ‘bonfire of allegations’.

There are many worms tied to Banks’ tail. Like shady Russian connections, organised crime, disorganised crime, and a severe dose of digital Tourette’s splashed all over social media.

Banks loves democracy. His shady organisations helped to sway the Brexit vote, in true democratic fashion. He fervently applauds the unreliable referendum result. Banks is also behind a campaign to deselect democratically elected MPs with whom he disagrees. Democracy lover Banks supports rich, unpleasant, unelected bureaucrats using their influence to undermine democracy.

The government is worried that, once opened properly, all the worms could come out of the can, and that would be the end of Brexit. Brexit Secretary Dominic Raab expressed surprise today after discovering exactly what the contents of the can were. “I know there were worms inside,” he whimpered. “But I never expected the contents to come out! That’s not how cans operate in my experience.”

Raab also expressed surprise that the can, having been kicked long, hard and often, was showing signs of wear and tear. “It is a Titanic tin,” he moaned. “Completely unbreakable.”

“We did try to tell him,” commented campaigner Artie Culfifty. “Unfortunately, our comments were dismissed as Project Fear. We were informed that the tin, which would never open in any case, was actually full of spaghetti.”

Nobody loves me, everybody hates me, I’m going to the garden to eat worms. Or spaghetti.

Great news for lovers of money today with the announcement from Her Majesty’s Government that they are to use nano-technology when designing new coins and notes from now on.

”It’s so people can see their money devaluing in real time,” Mrs Bi Metal, a spokesman for the Royal Mint, said, “although at first we were a little dubious, when the design spec came down from the treasury, but we soon realised tiny, tiny robots can do anything. Just look at how they’ve been used to replace the brains of Brexit Tory MPs like Chope and Bone on the Executing the U.K. select committee? Just one nanobot for the two of them!”

The trial of the revolutionary technology will be run with the release of the celebratory Brexit 50 pence pieces, planned for release next year.

”I don’t mind saying the design process was challenging,” Mrs Bi Metal admitted, “at first we were supposed to design a celebratory pound coin, but then May kept talking and the pound losing value and the goal posts narrowed to 50p. We feared by the time we had chosen a slogan for the coins it would be ten or five pences, and that’s when the robotics idea hit.”

But it won’t just be the actual denomination that will fluctuate in your pocket or purse, the message on the coin will also change daily.

”You lost get over it. We won we can’t get over it. Should I be a rouble? All the classics will be up on the coin. They’ll change each time the value changes.”

This sounds like warnings of a cashless society were over rated, with such exciting new coins coming down the line?

”Oh, I wouldn’t say that, it’s doubtful by the time we’ve crashed out of the EU that anyone much will be able to hoard something as impressive as a fifty pence piece! We’ll be well on our way to being a cashless society by then!”

News in the soft papers and here at the coarse international news media superpower seems likely to finally wake up stubborn leavers to just how crap their position will be in post No Deal Brexit Britain.

“Pinching one off will not be risk free,” our bathroom specialist, Mr White Tiles, advises, “forget the insulin shortages, forget the lack of radioactive materials for medical procedures, or that your heart medication will be in a customs queue from Calais to Reading, it’s those precious rolls of soft, and sometimes scented, paper that you’re really going to miss.”

The advice comes on the back of the revelation that the United Kingdom holds a stockpile of only one roll per citizen, with the rest imported in a just in time sequence from across the ENGLISH Channel day in and day out.

And in what promises to turn all guts to jelly, transport supremo Chris “failing” Grayling is going to be responsible for keeping your bottom wiped.

”The Daily Mail is of course anticipating a boom in sales,” Mr White Tiles continues, “as remainers stock up on the best alternative to rolls of paper in Labrador puppy packaging.”

The Express and The Sun likewise see a massive surge of sewer journalism turning into actual sewerage as the No Deal goal of the multi-billionaire, tax evading Brexiters comes to fruition.

”Laxative suppliers are downbeat though,” our correspondent continues, “the future is not smelling of roses for everyone, in spite of the pre-referendum assurances from walking, talking, permanently clogged human colons such as Fartage and Bum Buxom Boris. With everyone shitting themselves the moment martial law is imposed in April to ensure the cabinet maintains their own supplies of big roll.”

Best advice we can offer is to start stocking up on tabloid journalism now and probably leaves, lots of big leaves.

”Not nettles though,” Mr White Tiles adds, “unless you want to distract yourself for a while from the shit for brains idicoy of Brexit by rubbing the prickly little bastards on your ring.”

Sums are not the Conservatives’ strongest point. This mean – not to say average – bunch are so divided into different fractions that nothing they say adds up any more.

The least numerate of all the government departments is, naturally, the DExEU. Every impact assessment, every prediction, every confident pronouncement gives the same impression. That of a reluctant eight year old doing his maths homework.

LCD Views sought the opinion of number cruncher Algie Braic. “They really are a few beads short of an abacus,” he sighed. “It’s lies, damned lies, as they say. Most of the time they seem to be picking random numbers out of thin air. It’s a tombola Brexit now.”

This is quite apt, as everyone in the country has effectively bought a ticket, in the expectation of winning the jackpot. Naturally, first prize had already been awarded to the organisers

“The examples of a poor head for figures are many,” Braic continued. “From mythical amounts painted on to the side of a bus, to fantastical trade deals and promises of greater funding for our public services. I’ve got their number!”

Not to mention the “95% complete Brexit”, which, according to Guy Verhofstadt, means “0% complete”.

It’s not just the government. The BBC equated 700,000 People’s Vote protesters with 1,200 Leave Means Leave activists. All those zeros must count for nothing.

Factor in all the crazy economics sponsored by the ERG, and you get the irrational situation in which every negative is a positive. Good news if you have an overdraft, but it does not bode well when the Treasury is scrabbling behind the sofa for loose change.

“I’ve tried to figure it out,” says Braic, scratching his head. “But it boils down to the fact that this government regards zeros simply as placeholders. Like most Tory MPs, in fact.”

Ultimately there is only one fact to bear in mind. 73.9% of all statistics are made up.