Category: Brexit

Brexit is driving business away. Morgan, the epitome of British eccentricity on four wheels, is moving its base of operations to Germany, along with both employees and the company dog.

Brexit advocates claiming the haemorrhage of motor manufacturers is down to reduced demand for diesels are clutching at straws. It’s all a load of hot airbags.

The loss of Morgan could not have come at a worse time. The economy is (fuel) tanking, and Britain is closing down.

Morgan boss Morgan le Fay explained the situation. “We have been based in Camelot, like, forever,” she stated. “But our market is worldwide these days, and we can’t wait for Jacob Rees-Fucking-Mogg or whoever to build a wall around the country’s wealth before we consider the impact. I call it thinking outside the gearbox.”

What we don’t understand is, why go to Germany of all places.

“Want me to spell it out for you?” demanded le Fay, waving her wand in a threatening manner. “They are the best engineers in the world. I am tyred of arrogant, untalented Brits who need to get a grip.”

You could go to Ireland?

“I suppose we have the green credentials,” mused le Fay. “But we don’t like the backstop. We call it a handbrake.”

After all other options had been exhausted, Morgan is opting for Germany. “A real advantage is that our best customers are relocating from Britain to the EU,” explained le Fay. “The smart money is getting away from Brexit, so the smart cars are leaving too.”

But it’s a rocky road. Some promising trade deals have stalled, and others never got out of first gear. For example, le Fay pointed the finger at her reckless nephew, Sir Gawain Williamson. Sir Gawain, despite his heroism, recently blew a head gasket by destroying a potential deal with Japan by calling them ‘slant-eyed Nips’.

Not such a big wheel after all.

LCD Views can report today on the broken news that an entire country has acted like the infamous ‘Florida Man’ after shooting itself in the economy but failing to realise until almost three years later.

”Reports indicate that the United Kingdom was in the process of changing the scat covered pants of the governing Tory Party in 2016 when it accidentally shot itself through the economy, the dignity, the credibility, the humanity and even the official opposition party, but didn’t realise.”

The United Kingdom says it fell down after the changing of the pants, or EU ref 2016, but didn’t notice it had shot itself as it was on a high dose of dark money funded propaganda.

”It didn’t help that both the governing party and the leader of the official opposition failed to realise the country had shot itself,” the story continues, “and even after noticing the blood draining from investment and jobs both main sides of the U.K.’s politics then denied it was shot.

”It’s only when the UK’s main parties went through a sudden change of number of MPs that they seemed to notice the bullet holes in both of the country’s knees.”

Whether or not noticing that the country has shot itself will cause either party to credibly change again is open for speculation.

”The politics of the U.K. is averse to seekinf medical attention however,” the story continues, “as they’re is just so much friggin’ corruption and crime involving major political forces, it’s feared any attempt to dress the gaping wounds could lead to arrest.”

Primed patriot Theresa May is to forcefully rebut claims she’s an unemotional, self centred, job devouring sociopath controlled by disaster capitalists wilfully burning the U.K. to the ground for profit later today when she addresses the country.

“I can’t keep my job if you don’t lose yours,” Ms May will address a country on the brink of economic and civil collapse, “and as your leader I am the one the Martians will want to talk to when they bring their inter-galactic war against the Lizard Men of Zaasrth 9 to Earth.”

Asked what she will tell the Martians about how the U.K. functions and its form of governance, she had this to say, “I can’t keep my job day to day unless thousands of pathetic little peasants, scurrying about like ants on a parched and burning land, lose theirs.”

It’s May will go further this evening in her speech, requesting voters now come forward and offer their own job to be thrown on the bonfire of Brexit, which now burns on College Green.

”You should bring marshmallows to toast. Your job is bound to have a high combustion temperature and burn rate, due to its emotional importance to you. Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha!”

Whether or not anyone will be able to force Ms May to bring her meaningful vote back again more quickly and stop this idiotic destruction of the lives of the citizens she is supposed to care for, is anyone’s guess.

”Don’t look at Labour to help,” Emily Thorny-berry responded for Labour, “we’re too busy trying to bully Anna Soubry, now she’s turned against May. It’s the way we roll. The most incompetent and confused official opposition you can find. Isn’t it a hoot? I’ve still got my job. Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha!”

Give up your jobs Britons so Theresa May can keep hers, before she comes and takes it away anyway.

Brexiters are getting more gung-ho about a No Deal Brexit every day. Cheerful wartime metaphors are the order of the day. We’ve survived worse, we’ll pull together. That sort of crap.

Meanwhile the mask has slipped so far that there is no longer the slightest attempt to disguise the lies. Brexiters now admit that Brexit is a self-inflicted national disaster and expect us to applaud.

LCD Views spoke to Brexiter bigmouth Lee Vingona-Jetplane about this latest pronouncement. “The British are at their best under conditions of great hardship,” boasted Vingona-Jetplane. “No Deal Brexit will create the conditions under which the true British spirit can emerge.”

It’s well known that people of any description pull together in times of strife, but is it worth destroying the economy simply to evoke misplaced nostalgia?

“Absolutely!” declared Vingona-Jetplane. “While the plebs are busy foraging for food, nobody will notice me and my chums buggering off with all the money.”

This phrase ‘self-inflicted’ bothers me. How many times has this country wrecked itself voluntarily?

“Many, many times,” replied Vingona-Jetplane. “It’s in the Conservative Party constitution. Why else would we privatise everything that moved? Or drag the country into wars, or impose a three day week? Every time it’s an opportunity for party members to profit, so where’s the harm?”

Vingona-Jetplane disclosed that he was so dissatisfied with his own party, which persisted in trying to reconcile Brexit with reality instead of just getting on with it, that he was thinking of setting up his own party.

“Yes, a proper Brexit for the few, not the many, party,” he said. “And no, I’m having nothing to do with that ghastly Farage character! Despicable chancer, trying to muscle in on our territory.”

We will get through it. We always do. So long as there are enough wage earners left to support Conservative party members, all will be well.

LCD Views can report that Theresa May and Jeremy Corbyn are expected to confirm later today they will sit together now in the House of Commons, after every single other MP left their parties.

“We will offer strong and stable minority government,” May will tell assembled reporters, while Corbyn nods along, “and continue to work together to deliver Brexit.”

It’s believed Mr Corbyn will add, once May has finished with a slogan (currently being drafted),

“No amount of proven lawbreaking in the 2016 referendum, no amount of suspect foreign interference, and definitely not the endless daily media cycle of mass job losses can shift my Labour Party from respecting the result of the 2016 advisory referendum.”

The trickle of MPs leaving their respective parties began earlier in the week, but rapidly turned into a flood, as even Brexiters broke away to sit as independents, as well as MPs assumed to place party loyalty above all else.

We asked our hard pressed political analyst what he makes of the situation.

“It’s the Brexit, stupid,” he said, somewhat impolitely, “it’s all about leaving unions that leverage your personal clout under some delusion that being more isolated makes you more powerful. It’s rotted away at our politics so deeply that now it’s in the individual psyches of MPs. They’re all leavers now, even of their own parties.”

No one is sure what colour May and Corbyn will choose to brand their grouping with, as blue and red make purple, and that’s already taken.

“Oh, UKIP will let them use purple, so long as they remain committed to Brexit.”

We would like to wish May and Corbyn luck as they take their seats in the House of Commons together as the last two MPs respecting the old politics of the main parties.

No Deal Brexit preparations are proceeding according to plan. The plan in question may be better described by the phrase ‘No Plan’. And who better to deliver it than the dunce and future king, Chris Grayling?

The latest bright idea to emerge from the swamp between Grayling’s ears involves transportation of goods. Once the beloved No Deal happens, and the ports seize up (hurrah! Global Britain!), essentials will have to find alternative routes into the UK. Grayling proposes airlifting fresh produce from the EU. Contracts are being drawn up with British success story Flybmi.

After all, following in the wake of ferry companies with no boats, why not airlines with no planes?

Aviation expert Heath Rowe gave LCD Views his thoughts on the matter. “Small operators have a struggle on their hands,” he explained. “To survive, they generally have to offer something uniquely desirable, or come under the umbrella of a larger, more successful organisation. Otherwise they tend to go tits up. It’s the Brexit business model.”

But I thought we were talking about a success story?

“In Chris Grayling’s head it probably is,” said Rowe. “Just like Brexit. No, Flybmi has just gone bust, leaving plucky Brits stranded in the wicked EU. We can only hope that hundreds of volunteers with tiny aircraft of their own will effect a rescue.”

So Grayling’s plan is just a poorly executed ruse to trick The People into thinking he is looking after them, with a gratuitous reference to the Dunkirk Spirit thrown in for good measure?

“Yes,” replied Rowe. “Even giving Flybmi an alleged £14m sweetener didn’t help, although I gather Flybmi”s boss has just purchased another yacht.”

BMI’s other niche venture, bmibaby, has also vanished from the stratosphere. From having a high BMI, it has slimmed down to nothing.

Something’s in the air. Unfortunately it isn’t Flybmi.

Tory rent-a-gob Quentin Letts is to assist the government later today by launching a new initiative to get the UK ready for Brexit.

‘Dumbing Down For Britain’ will focus on misrepresenting as many modern day realities as possible in the hope no one can see the woods for the trees as we leave the EU.

“I”m personally super chuffed,” Mr Letts told LCD Views via a translator (we don’t speak prat), “and I’ll be launching the initiative by misrepesenting Switzerland’s borders with other European countries. Ps, don’t mention Schengen, whatever that is. Ha! Hoot! Cash or cheque?! What ho!”

To kickstart the excitement Quentin will be joined by Tory MP for Screwsbe Daniel Kawczynski.

“Daniel is going to tell everyone about bananas and how the Americans wouldn’t let us have any for decades after WW2, forcing ordinary hardworking British veterans to give them all to the Hun!,” Quentin added, “he will then go on to prove that we can grow all the bananas and citrus we need tariff free in the Outer Hebrides. Take that Brussels!”

And alongside these two lightweights in the game, there will also be the man most likely to call for another edition of the Doomsday Book to be compiled post Brexit.

“That’s right! Old Moggy has asked his nanny if she will let him attend so he can tell everyone about the five star conditions in the concentration camps built by the Brits doing the Boer War. They were really more like those mega-hotels you find on the Costa del Sol than camps. We had a lot of trouble getting the bloody Boers to go home after we’d freed them from their mineral wealth. Just ask Moggy!”

Once the initiative to dumb down Britain has been successful it will be followed up by a nationwide IQ test.

“Anyone with an IQ greater than a packet of mince will be asked to leave and then deported,” Mr Letts let slip, “take that remoaners! Millions of you will be going on a one way trip across the English Channel!”

Car crash means car crash. But as the Road To Brexit runs out and over the cliff edge, the big red Brexit bus rolling at a snail’s pace is about to break records for all the wrong reasons.

The People voted for this, even if they didn’t really. So nobody wants to take responsibility for pressing the brake. If nothing changes, gravity will win. That’s the gravity of the situation.

The Guinness Book of Records is on hand to record the historic anticlimax of Brexit. The government is all mouth and no trousers. In true contradictory Brexit fashion, the limpest of limp governments is going to deliver the biggest shafting of all time.

The bus rolls, inexorably, towards the end. The crash is approaching, and despite the lack of speed, promises to make a 47-vehicle pile-up look like a heap of Dinky toys. The drop is so close now, that even staunch, hardline ERG members are starting to think it’s squeaky bum time.

LCD Views spoke to Norris McWhirter’s spiritual heir, Mark McConquest. “This is already the slowest car crash of all time, and it hasn’t even happened yet!” declared McConquest. “It’s crashier than the 2008 financial crash, and longer drawn out than Jose Mourinho’s tenure at Manchester United.”

Disaster specialist and record chaser Holden McCarlsberg was also on hand to deliver a verdict. “I’m always on the lookout for bigger, better, longer things,” he said. “The UK and the USA are like, USA: Here’s my latest idiocy, UK: Hold my beer. I’m constantly crossing the Atlantic. I have more air miles than Liam Fox!”

Eager beavers are on hand with pencils, to record the exact moment of disaster for posterity. “Well, we no longer employ beavers,” McConquest conceded. “They just chew through any writing equipment we give them. And lemmings just run ahead impatiently. So instead we have installed a speed camera to record the instant that the brakes are applied, too late, and the UK careers over the edge like Thelma And Louise in super slo-mo.”

Jacob Rees-Mogg has already described this particular car crash to be ‘Rather uplifting’. He is in pole position to star in the reboot of the Oscar-winning film classic Crash.

It’s about bloody time too! For too long the price of steak has been sky high!

LCD Views would like to be the first to applaud the work of the Secretary of State for Lowering Food Standards (and the rest) Doctor Liam Fox after a leaked report detailed the details of the conditions he’s expected to agree to in order to secure a post Brexit FTA with the USA.

Pink slime, that mega efficient way to get all the protein, hormones and antibiotics any person needs is to be classified as steak, because a single digit percentage of the contents was once placed in a room near a field with a cow.

“It’s amazing what food scientists can do,” our food analyst, Mr A Nal Syst comments, “apparently the team that invented pink slime was actually working on how to use beef as a weapon of mass destruction, and they succeeded!”

Other exciting changes to standards coming our way involve chicken.

Chicken. The boring old hen first introduced to the UK by the Romans. It’s getting a long needed makeover.

“No more than 52% of any poultry by-product can’t be a tumour, benign or malignant,” Mr Syst says, glancing through the leaked report, “that’s some mean concession little Liam has secured. And the lip, ass-hole and intestinal tract component of any chicken themed food product will be capped at 98%. That means we are guaranteed of a base level for actual meat. Wrap your laughing gear around that Brussels!”

But what about the concerns on the UK’s farmers with convoys of US container ships heaving with pink sludge and chicken cancer steaming our way?

“I recall an interview with Owen Paterson, that genius of international trade and agriculture, some time back on Radio4, that stalwart of what was once journalism, who said they’ll just have to focus on selling a high quality cut of British beef to China. Job done. Dust off your hands. Pop a cork.”

Get ready to turn to cannibalism Britons! At least that way you’ll be reassured what you’re eating is actually meat!

Labour is to revise its Brexit policy downwards today, with Jeremy Corbyn expected to give a press conference in which he will ditch his long held call for a Jobs first Brexit, moving his position to a “Not one job left Brexit!”.

The move is to take into account the endless stream of news articles daily about major employers upping sticks and moving out of the UK, taking jobs, investment and tax revenue with them, and is believed will get Labour ahead of the Brexit curve.

“It’s a visionary switch, which will take the heat off the Labour leadership failing to respond to the overwhelming evidence piling up that Brexit is a criminally influenced, political project of an internationalist clique of hard right feudalists that will catastrophically screw the UK back into the employment rights of the 14th century, prior to the black death,” our political analyst says, “it’s getting harder and harder to be a JC fan nowadays,

“It’s not helped by red Tories continually digging up videos from Corbyn’s time as a backbencher saying fruity things about the EU at regional rallies,

“his willingness to work with the government multiple times to push Brexit further down the clock, most famously when he three line whipped his MPs to trigger Article 50 and start the clock running down when no one had a plan,

“and don’t even consider looking at his parliamentary voting record on the subject, you may get the suspicion that a new kind of politics is very much an old kind. Especially if you take into account the fact that he and McDonnell and several other backbench Labour MPs in 2011 voted with all the Tory Brexit head cases to call for an IN/OUT EU ref, years before Cameron actually delivered one.”

It sounds to us like you’ve been brainwashed by the Tory MSM to criticise Jeremy.

“It sounds to me like you’re not paying attention to reality. Although I’ll grant 99% of your headlines attack the Tories. Millions of us would throw our lot in and back Corbyn, if he only fought Brexit, which we can all see is doing massive harm to the country and basically undeveloping the UK before our eyes. It will make all of Labour’s other excellent policy goals unachievable.”

You’re just obsessed with Brexit.

“You’re bang on with that.”

Why?

“I’d like my children to have food.”