Category: Brexit

BACK TO THE FUTURE : A comprehensive study by the Faculty of Futurology, Alfred is Great University, Wessex, has found that the United Kingdom is set to devolve back into warring Anglo-Saxon kingdoms, thanks to Brexit.

“We’re not sure if even stopping Brexit will halt the dissolution of the union,” Professor Ecgberht told LCD Views, “you see they had an independence march in Cardiff on the weekend? A massive one up in Glasgow the weekend before, that went largely unreported in the England centric MSM. It’s only a matter of time until the Cornish independence movement kicks off again. The English politicians down in Westminster, squabbling over whether or not we should have Lexit or Brexit, really have fucked the pooch, so far as unity of the UK is concerned.”

But while no one who bothered to do even the simplest bit of research in 2016 prior to the referendum is surprised at the movements in the different nations of the UK, it’s a bit of a surprise to learn the acid of Brexit is eating even into the fabric of England itself.

“If you were in one of the big cities of England, you know the type, the metropolitan bubble, and you have numerous friends and relatives from EU27 states, you’ve watched them go through hell thanks to a joint desire of Labour and Conservatives to end Freedom of Movement for their own twisted ideological aims. Are you going to stand for that? Added to your own loss of rights and freedoms with Brexit? Sod that. Go indy. It’s the way forward.”

As the study mostly focused on England, it’s uncertain if Scotland, Wales and Northern Ireland will go further than separate countries and back into kingdoms or clan controlled areas, but there’s no question about England.

“A lot of the English hate themselves now. Why would they not want to leave England, but stay in England? And what do you do when searching for a new identity? You look to your roots. So it’s Anglo-Saxon all the way. That is not all bad, it certainly proves the people who turn out each weekend to stage re-enactments of famous battles from the Dark Ages were right to do so.”

Whether or not the Scandinavian countries will seek to invade and settle afterwards is not yet clear.

“Well, just don’t build your best churches on islands off the coast of Norfolk, that would be my advice,” Professor Ecgberht adds.

SPHINCTER SAID WHAT : Two major English political parties that are determined to make Brexit happen have been sure to tell voters it will be their fault if Nigel Farage’s Brexit Party does well in next week’s EU elections.

“Don’t look at us,” a spokesman for the Conservatives told LCD Views, in an exclusive, invented interview,

“just because David Cameron lost his mind in 2014 and promised an IN/OUT EU referendum on the vaguest of questions, relevant to the complexity and scale of the issue, because he didn’t have the guts to face down the lunatic fringe, it’s not our fault if Farage’s limited company does well next week.”

Similarly a source from Labour had this to say,

“We’re telling you, if you don’t vote for us, a party that has a commitment to deliver Brexit on our website, but instead vote for Nigel Farage, whose only perceivable political reason for existence is Brexit, then it’s your fault if he does well,

“Not ours for aligning with him on principle over Brexit, but your fault for being so bloody confused by our triangulation and fudge that you’ve given up and decided to vote for the Liberal Democrats, Greens, Plaid, SNP or god help it, Chuka’s new group.”

It’s important that both the governing Conservatives, a party that now only exists to attempt Brexit, and the official opposition Labour Party, a party that refuses to oppose the Conservatives on Brexit, remind everyone that if Farage’s far right party does well, it’s their fault for not voting for a different party that is also committed to the far right project of Brexit.

Is that clear? It’s not their fault. It’s yours. Any suggestion that maybe they should grow a pair of balls and fight Farage on the validity of Brexit is an attempt to undermine the leadership, both of them.

HELP ME HIDE : UK’s lead Brexit negotiator, Olly Robbins, is to beg Barnier for political asylum later today as he heads to Brussels under the pretence of re-negotiating the political declaration tacked onto the end of May’s Brexit Withdrawal Agreement.

“Ms May has packed him off again in the hope he will come back with some classic continental fudge,” our Brexit analyst, Puff the Magic Dragon, says, “it isn’t concerning the deal she’s agreed with Brussels, it’s about making the political declaration attached to it so vague the current Conservative government, or any future Labour one, can pretend it meant exactly whatever it is they need it to pretend. While protecting workers and business investment. As the country burns to the ground.”

But while Ms May may have sent Olly off on that understanding, with Keir Starmer nodding approvingly behind her, and Nosferatu nodding approvingly behind Starmer, a leak suggests Olly Robbins has perhaps an entirely different agenda.

“He’s a good rapport built up over the last couple of years with Barnier,” Puff the Magic Dragon comments, “for a long time now they’ve sat in a Brussel’s room together, overlooking the dragon statues in the park outside the EU commission building, reminiscing about when the UK was sane. And Barnier has said something like,

‘I’m so sorry you’re having to do this my dear Olly, it’s all insane’ and Olly has replied, ‘Tell me about it, it’s nuttier than a bag of nuts being sold at a nut convention by a squirrel with a nut fetish back at home. Sometimes I just wish there was somewhere I could go and hide. I can’t tell you how much I like coming here and talking with people who aren’t lunatics. I just wish I could stay’. And then they get down to trying to make the British position sound in anyway connected to life on planet Earth.”

We suspect Robbins will be granted asylum in the EU and we can say if he is it will cause us to boil over with envy.

Good luck Olly. One day this will all be in your past. Just like the United Kingdom on its current trajectory.

FOR GOD’S SAKE SOMEONE SANE TAKE THE WHEEL!

The leaders of the increasingly irrelevant “main” parties have agreed to stitch up a Brexit deal. This patchwork policy is not being lovingly hand crafted. It is being cobbled together under duress, and looks likely to fall apart almost immediately. It’s a stitch up.

There are strings attached, naturally. Labour members want another referendum, and are looking for a blanket agreement.

The attempt to pull the wool over our eyes is failing too. Both May and Corbyn have laid down red lines, picked out in scarlet wool, which the other may not cross. The result, inevitably, is full of holes.

In any case, the materials being used are threadbare. There are no sunlit uplands, there is no extra money for the NHS, free trade deals are proving hard to strike. Brexiters are feeling needled.

The promise of independence has led to the country going cap in hand to beg for more time, and will have terms and conditions imposed upon it by bigger and more powerful nations. The rhetoric has proved to be warped (and wefted).

Brexit is in tatters. All that is left is rags: manifesto promises, which as a rule are not worth the paper they are written upon; and the referendum, which is distinctly frayed around the edges.

So this is how it will unravel. Pick at any one of the many loose threads, and watch it fall apart. May’s government is coming apart at the seams, and Corbyn is a useless, crochet-y old sew and sew.

Can they knit together a fracturing country? Can May pin the blame on Corbyn? Not while May concentrates on the far right, and Corbyn on the far left. There is nothing in the centre of the patchwork to cover their arses.

Luckily, nobody will buy it. The material swing away from Brexit parties shows that the future lies with embracing life’s rich tapestry.

It’s a stitch up. Brexit has torn the fabric of society. It’s the Emperor’s New Comfort Blanket.

SUDDEN IMPACT : LCD Views has been out and about today into the swirling smoke and burning cinders to interview the last two dinosaurs, who survived a massive comet strike on Thursday.

“I expected it to hit,” the tyrannosaurus shrugged, “I knew it was coming. I’ve been essentially demanding it arrives for nearly three years. So the mass extinction of my smaller colleagues? I was braced for impact. It’s why I went away to Wales. It was about as far from ground zero as I could get without going hiking in the Alps.”

And what about you? We asked the ageing, slow moving brontosaurus.

“It’s a great foundation to build on. I fully expect brontosauri to rule the entire landscape. We’re going to build right in the centre of the screaming crater of fire. Stubborn old herbivores like myself aren’t afraid of digging our heels in. In fact our entire policy to outwit the carnivores has been to let them call down the comet and destroy everything, thus clearing the way for the ruminants to rise.”

So neither of you see any negative in the mass extinction event? No message from the universe, none at all?

“Oh clearly there’s a message delivered by the cosmos by way of the comet,” the tyrannosaurus exclaimed.

“I was just about to say what she said,” the brontosaurus nodded along.

It’s curious to see two such varying ancient creatures singing from the same hymn sheet.

What’s the message you received?

“That the universe wants us to breed more dinosaurs!” they chorused, “what else could it be? Oh, and to use the same comms officer going forward to speak for both brontosauruses and tyrannosaurs. This won’t damage either of our brands at all.”

Well, that’s a surprise, we thought the universe smashed a comet into the Earth to tell the dinosaurs to sod off the scene and let the green and yellow striped mammals rise.

The referendum result. The last even vaguely valid reason to Brexit is under threat. Not from contradictory evidence this time, it is a victim of its own success. Naturally, the government has stuck its fingers in its ears and gone “La la la”.

£350m a week for the NHS? Exposed immediately as a lie. Millions of migrants swamping the UK because Turkey is about to join the EU? No it isn’t, and we can control migration perfectly well as it is. Take back control? Yes, let’s go and beg the EU for an an emergency Brexit extension or two. June 30th? Pretty please? No? Oh OK then, 31st October if you insist.

Yes, it’s all gone so well. But, whatever else, we will always have the referendum result.

Naturally, this suits Nigel ‘No Manifesto’ Farage right down to the ground. “We voted for Brexit, and I will deliver Brexit!” he told his latest rally, an audience of several old folk, their dogs, and the entire BBC Current Affairs team. “No other promises to get in the way, just Brexit, and then I will write the manifesto later to reflect what actually happens, and claim that I just ‘lost’ it!”

“There is no way we can consider an inquiry into the referendum,” explained Brexit apologist Finn Gersinthetill. “That would mean reconsidering the whole rationale of Brexit, and Brexiters don’t do introspection.”

But what if the referendum was corrupt, illegally run, and voters were targeted with dark money advertising after their online data was fraudulently abused?

“That would mean admitting that Brexit is nothing but a massive con,” replied Gersinthetill. “So Brexit would have to be cancelled, and we would all look like numpties who couldn’t organise a piss-up in a brewery.”

It’s well known that the referendum was a complete farce.

“All the more reason not to waste time and money on an inquiry!” said Gersinthetill triumphantly. “So long as it isn’t official, we can pretend it’s all OK until it’s over.”

They think it’s all over? It should be, but we are currently playing extra time…

BREAKING : In a blow to Nigel Farage’s co-opted Brexit Party, ahead of the EU elections, the Night King has declined an offer of candidacy, stating the other candidate’s views are “too extreme”.

But it’s not only Anne Widdecombe’s views on everything from reproductive rights to prison reform that were a turn off.

”The lack of a manifesto is also deeply troubling,” the King of the undead said, “you just know this mob of zombies will be after bringing back the death penalty and I’ve already got my hands full on that score. Why won’t they declare their beliefs ahead of a ballot? That hardly seems like the decision of a group who are claiming to be democrats. Blind vote. Get out of here!”

Additionally it seems concerns over how the Night King’s possible association with the Brexit Party will be spun have played a part too.

”They heard my army is also called the ‘White Walkers’ and they were on the phone, expecting me to lead some prize idiot march of English nationalists down to London? No thank you. That’s not my scene at all. Bigoted muppets.”

But what about standing as an independent?

”I’ve already been selected to stand for the Conservatives in Scotland anyway. I just wasn’t planning on going public until I’ve finished my current run in Game of Thrones.”

But that party is almost exactly the same as the Brexit Party or UKIP these days. It doesn’t make sense.

”It does if you look at the average age of the membership,” the Night King smirked, “a lot of them already have one foot in my army as it is.”

The Conservative 1922 committee will meet later today to tear up the leadership rules of the party and scribble down new ones in a bid to oust Ms May.

“It’s the only way to solve Brexit,” said a fuming backbench MP who clearly has no idea that the problem with Brexit is actually Brexit, “I’m not worried about all the cruelty to poor people and foreigners, I voted for May expecting more of that, and to be fair she has delivered, but not on Brexit, which of course is the only way to finish what she started. So we need to get someone even more insane into the top job.”

The rule change itself is really necessitated by Jacob Rees-mogg and the other ERG hedge fund servants ballsing up their no confidence vote last December, when they realised to their horror that Ms May was too much of a control freak to actually do No Deal, the ultimate, immediate loss of all control.

“If we had a proper Brexiter in Downing Street and not a bloody remoaner we’d be watching the poor fight over stale bread by now while counting the profits of shorting sterling,” the backbencher seethed, “this is intolerable. But we have a plan. Trump.”

Once the rule change is approved the next leadership challenge will be possible by early June.

“We’re going to televise it,” the backbencher advised, looking happier, “and Trump is going to judge the competitors for next Conservative Party leader in an Apprentice style format called ‘The Brexprentice’. It’s a total vote winner. And it will ensure that the right candidate gets the job, as only true believers in Brexit will be allowed to take part,

“And because the people won’t get a vote in this special, it’ll be democratic in the way we have redefined it since 2016,

“It’s hard to see how else we can help our special friends across the pond get stuck into the greatest concentration of private assets in the UK, people’s homes, just as the demographic that owns them is reaching a stage in their lives when they’ll need healthcare the most. It’s a win win. We’ve cut down the magic money tree now let’s slaughter the healthcare cash cow.”

Who will you vote for in the Tory party Brexprentice leadership special? Don’t answer that. You won’t get to vote. Brexit Britain is the plaything of the Brexiters and Lexiters and no one else.

BREAKING : News wires are humming with the news that May’s Government and Corbyn’s Labour are resuming talks today confident of agreeing a plan to make their Trojan Brexit fly through parliament.

”I’m terrified,” a senior source inside the government delegation told LCD Views, “I’ve got to go and see the PM shortly to get my new orders and God only knows what new insanity she will have dreamt up while on her Easter holidays. She’s really not someone who should be left alone for extended periods with her own thoughts. She could come up with anything. The only guarantee is that it will be batshit.”

Similar concerns have been expressed on the Labour side.

”I’ve got such big splinters in my backside,” a big thinker told us, “we’ve been sitting on this giant fence post for so long now, slowly swivelling in circles so everyone thinks we’re on their side. I’m actually worried about getting sepsis. When I complain I’m just told, the leader has a master plan, just hold on, keeping turning and showing everyone a friendly face. The time to strike is soon. But any Brexit enables the far right. I really don’t know what I’m doing. I guess I just have to have more faith in the leadership.”

While the aides maybe worried we have it on good authority that between them May and Corbyn can run down the clock for some time yet.

”We’ve got a plan,” an even more senior staffer told us on the condition of anonymity, “we’re going to put Brexit into a giant wooden rabbit and wheel it inside parliament. There’s no way we can fail. This latest Brexit scheme is totally going to fly.”

Downing Street extended its near perpetual state of panicked lockdown for Easter Sunday after questions were raised by receivers of its Official Brexit Easter Eggs.

“Mashing them up with fortune cookies was a nice touch,” a member of the Labour negotiating team, still pretending to search for a Brexit compromise with Downing Street commented (off the record – May’s team is also pretending – off the record also), “I especially liked the little note inside my egg that said ‘Jobs First Brexit means Jobs First Brexit’. The personal touch. May isn’t known for that. It’s improved the mood considerably. And the next egg also contained an inspiring quote, ‘If Lexit is what you seek you should choose Tory Brexit’, so all up a nice gesture.”

But it was when Downing Street took the charm offensive to the general public that things turned sour.

And it wasn’t May dressed as the Easter bunny that caused the problem.

“All the people chosen to receive eggs were pre-approved to ensure they would shout ‘Egg means Egg!’, or some other inanity, and be really chuffed. But it seems somehow a journalist not working for a Tory rag got hold of an unopened egg. That’s when the trouble started.”

The journalist, who we can’t name, apparently opened the big egg to find a slightly smaller egg inside, then another slightly smaller egg and so on. And in the last little egg was the note ‘Brexit – from Russia (and certain Americans) with Love’. On the back of that was a request for how a campaign donation should be paid via wire transfer.

It’s like the Brexit Easter Eggs are designed like Russian dolls. But we’re buggered if we can work out what the significance of it all is. I guess you’re supposed to just gobble up all the eggs and ride a sugar high until an inevitable and sudden crash.