Category: Brexit

BREAKING : News from the front lines of the English Civil War says that Brexit has retreated to Rochester Castle in Kent and is preparing to hold out against a summer long siege, laid by Remainers.

“I don’t really like the word besieged,” Corporal Francois shouted over the castle walls to our front line reporter, “sounds suspiciously French. Just like my name. Just like Farage. AT WHAT POINT CAN WE START DRINKING EACH OTHER’S WEE?”

Wait until the siege has exhausted your drinking water Corporal Francois.

While Corporal Francois, accompanied by Privates Bridgen and Dorries, were the first to enter the castle, the forces of Brexit are still strung out in disarray across the countryside of Southeast England, struggling to reach the temporary sanctuary.

“Reports are coming in of desertions along the way,” our embedded reporter reports, “Captain Oborne is said to have deserted even before the pivotal battle overnight at Brussels, having read the lay of the land and desperately attempting to still appear as a thoughtful political intellectual,

“So too Lieutenant Ferrari, although Lance Corporal Fraser is believed to have assumed command of both diminished battalions and is doggedly leading them on towards Rochester Castle, suffering fire from sharpshooters as they race between thickets. It’s not certain they are carrying enough slogans to see off the harassing outriders of the Remainers.”

But all is not lost for the weary troops of Brexit as it seems Field marshall May arrived ahead of the lot and has secured herself inside the castle’s keep in order to plan the defence of the stronghold.

“Field marshall May has apparently secured relief supplies of cans to kick within the castle perimeter for some time yet, while she waits to see if her ceasefire with Sargent Corbyn yields any tangible benefits.”

The actions of the privately trained and allegedly Sovietly funded, sorry! We mean £3 a pop funded militia, under the command of Sargent Corbyn (who refuses to accept a higher rank out of solidarity with the rank and file), may well be key to deciding the outcome of the siege, with some reports suggesting he will break the siege and free May’s forces to once again harry the manufacturing and service economy across the English landscape.

“I wouldn’t be holding out for Corbyn’s militia to save the day,” our reporter shrugs, “those forces specialise in sitting on fence posts firing in all directions, but never taking a decisive move on the field of battle.”

Whatever happens next, one thing is certain, unless May raises the white flag of surrender, the green fields surrounding Rochester Castle will be littered with the corpses of simple slogans flung over the walls in kamikaze acts of self sacrifice in the months ahead.

“If there’s no snack bar I’m out,” Corporal Francois shouts out definitely from the walls, “send Mars Bars! Send Snickers! Send small shot in the form of Maltesers!”

It’s going to be a long, hot, attritional summer as Brexit is besieged and ground out.

Great news for people who like traditional neurological surgery today with the announcement that Kate Hoey MP (UKIP) is to begin selling “Do-it-yourself lobotomy” kits for use in the home.

LCD Views’ Conscience correspondent went along to one of the rare surgeries held by Kate in her (former) Vauxhall constituency office to learn more.

INT.          HOEY’S SURGERY           NIGHT, ALWAYS NIGHT

A middle aged woman in a ragged coat hunches in the middle of a black tiled floor.

Burning torches flutter in the corners, driven hither and thither by an unseen wind, but the light rarely penetrates the darkness.

A woman, known as KATE to mortals, holds a lit candle and is drawing a magic circle in the centre of the floor.

Another woman enters, young, go-getting reporter ROSIE SEARCHLIGHT.

ROSIE holds a silver cross in front of herself.

From the lump under her tight fitting, black leather jacket, it would be easy to believe she has a pistol on her hip. It would be easy to believe this show is on ITV.

KATE ignores ROSIE.

KATE waves the candle back and forth. She mutters in the ancient, unintelligible language of the ERG, incanting as she draws her circle.

ROSIE SEARCHLIGHT

“Ms Hoey? Labour, I mean UKIP, representative for Vauxhall?”

KATE glances rapidly over her shoulder.

KATE

“Are you the gate keeper? Nigel has summoned the gate keeper. Are you the gate keeper? Answer me.”

ROSIE SEARCHLIGHT

What gate needs keeping?

KATE

“Nigel, my master, he is the key master. He must have the gate or he can not de-stablise the peace.”

ROSIE SEARCHLIGHT

“I’m here to learn about your do-it-yourself lobotomy kits? We’re featuring them in the afternoon edition of LCD Views? Home Medicine. It’s a new weekly feature.”

KATE begins to levitate above the tiles. She flies at ROSIE, but recoils from the cross.

KATE

“Hiss! Hiss! Take a lobotomy pack and get out! Go home child of man and carve out your temples.”

ROSIE SEARCHLIGHT advances towards KATE.

She holds the cross in front of her. Her other hand on the lump on her hip.

ROSIE SEARCHLIGHT

“Not until you tell me the recommended retail price for the lobotomy kits.”

ROSIE crosses through the circle on the floor.

She continues towards KATE, who is desperately trying not to singe her hair on a torch in the corner.

KATE

“Back away! I’ve just had my hair done to go boating with the dark lord Furherage!”

ROSIE is undaunted.

She steps in closer.

She doesn’t see that behind her, out of the circle she has just left, a dark shadow is gathering with a pint in its hand and a cigarette in its mouth. The shadow has wings and they are spreading.

END SCENE

Theresa May is clinging to power by the skin of her teeth. Getting into bed with the enemy, Jeremy Corbyn, is a last desperate stunt before reality finally closes in.

Corbyn is involved because Brexit is a cross-party policy, and the Conservative Party is very cross indeed.

The Tory party’s normal negotiating technique, which is to make a catastrophic decision, profit from the chaos, and bugger off (see every privatisation, ever) has not worked this time. The EU has failed to roll over and allow the UK to behave like a spoilt child. Hence the need to involve Labour to increase May’s leverage.

May’s statement, as usual, contained a good deal of ambiguity. In order to muddy the waters even further, May made a statement from her boudoir.

“I’ve pulled a lot of Leavers in my time,” claimed May in her coquettish way, from the sofa, which looked easily big enough to shag on. “I pull them on to the team, and then I pull them off again.”

Principal among the Leavers May has pulled is Boris Johnson. May pulled him from the team long ago. Boris took one for the team, but the sofa allegedly still bears the stains.

Pulling Corbyn is a transparent attempt to pull the wool over Labour”s eyes. Have her way, call a general election, resign, and leave Jeremy holding the baby. Pull a fast one.

But all this Leaver pulling has not impressed the EU. “A lever normally makes a hard job easier,” commented EU spokeswonk Di Namix. “British Leavers have, instead, thrown spanners into the works. Jacob Rees-Mogg is a typical British lever: long, thin, rigid, but screws everything up, because the EU machinery is metric and Mogg is Imperial.”

Reality, meanwhile, is waiting in the wings alongside a fat lady vocalist. They are unable to take centre stage yet because the elephant in the room has grown to an enormous size.

 

Prominent Leave supporters who have made a habit of trashing anyone questioning cute, bubbly baby Brexit as remoaners for years are now experiencing sudden changes of heart.

Taking to twitter several have even expressed the staggering opinion that the Brexit being delivered is actually somewhat shit.

This is a deep surprise. The changes of heart, not the fact that the Brexit being delivered is a bit shit.

Brexit it seems could still be a wonderful thing, just reality would need to be changed to make it work.

Prominent pro-EU politicians and commentators are now falling over themselves to congratulate any erstwhile Brexiter suddenly finding themselves on the road to Damascus with the sword of Damocles hanging over their heads, with the further shocking realisation that the road is actually located in the belly of an ocean leviathan that has swallowed the lot. And, for good measure, the leviathan is actually a prodigal son making its way home after one almighty land based bender.

The prominent politicians have to extend the open hand of friendship and help the tired kippers back onto the life raft of sanity. Clearly. It would serve no public good for them to do otherwise.

We are also pleased that the red mist of rage at lost imperial might is finally clearing and leading to a curing of nostalgia and delusion based blindness.

But, just for a moment, we’re going to be unhelpful and vent a little frustration, because of the deep harm the Brexit lie has caused to the country and people we love.

And just make it aware that we didn’t fall for the Brexiter’s lies, even though we were more focused on solely domestic issues prior to the EU ref. And because thirty fucking seconds on Google was all it took to realise each and every claim for Brexit was complete and utter bullshit and only tax dodging disaster capitalists and racists were going to be well served. The disaster socialists also seeing their opportunity in Brexit was a surprise though, and one that came in the later months of 2016.

Now, that vented, let’s get back to being magnanimous…welcome back to the fold of the sane, you’ve been missed, genuinely.

https://www.opendemocracy.net/en/opendemocracyuk/i-was-strong-brexiteer-now-we-must-swallow-our-pride-and-think-again/

BREAKING : Fresh stools left overnight on the doorstep of 10 Downing Street have been collected and analysed in a hurry to discover their chemical composition, thus discovering where the UK is with Brexit.

“It’s no longer taking hits from the bong with the EU,” our political scientist reveals from the lab,

“it’s stopped all that in order to intensify getting high with itself. Although various meth head Tory ministers have been briefed to insult France in the hope of enraging Macron so much he vetoes any further extension to Article 50.”

Not a bad policy.

“Yes. Dose Fox or Hunt up on uncut Brexit and let them rip, stream of consciousness style. Shame Boris sacked off. He could be exceptionally useful right now if he was still a Minister of State.”

But the UK’s sessions with the UK, which have been run in parallel to negotiations with the EU27 are achieving even less it seems. No matter how much Brexit is ingested, inhaled or injected by the main party leaders. Should they perhaps not be using their own product so much?

“It’s a problem. Unlike most mind crushing compounds, in order to produce Brexit you have to use Brexit. But the more you use Brexit the less likely you are to be capable of making Brexit,

“Both May and Corbyn want to make a lot of Brexit, that’s bloody obvious, they’ve been telling us constantly for nearly three years as they fiddle and fumble about in the lab. Yes, It was the Tories who started the lab, but Labour have refused to politically weaponise Brexit, at a leadership level, all the criminality and lies that go hand in hand with making Brexit could be used to drag the Tories out of office. It’s baffling really.”

Any theories?

“The more they use it the less clear their thinking. A standard side effect of Brexit use, even small amounts are like a lobotomy. Oh, and delivering a Brexit payload of any size destroys both their parties, but not making Brexit only destroys the Tories. So we can only conclude the Labour leadership are talking with the Tories about how to produce more tonnes of Brexit out of a hope they can rip off the entire load at the last minute and convert it chemically into Lexit.”

That’s a much safer substance.

“Not at all. In order to make it you need to end Freedom of Movement, so the cooks tell us. So…maybe best to just say no to that too.”

Old soggy Moggy, ERG leader, has reportedly been shopping for yet another pair of flip flops today.

“He’s getting through them faster than his dummies,” a woman claiming to be the man child’s nanny told LCD Views, “and those he’s going through fast enough as it is! Keeps spitting the darn things out, and do you think I can find them?”

The latest flip to become a flop concerns the purportedly binding nature of word’s uttered by former prime minister David ‘trotters’ Cameron.

“Well, when it suited little Jacob what Cameron said was law,” the nanny explained, “but that was because little Moggy thought he’d get the Brexit he wanted. But now that it looks like he’s in danger of getting the Brexit Theresa May wants, or no Brexit at all, so it’s a different story altogether.”

This seems to be because there’s a danger that any Brexit delivered by May won’t be a big enough disaster?

“I think so. I really just wipe his nose and bottom and make sure he’s dressed properly with his monocle. You’ll have to go to the horse’s mouth to find out for yourself.”

LCD Views thinks the latest change in position is a testament to the fine private education sector in the country.

While Mr Rees-mogg initially misunderstood the nature of how our parliamentary democracy functions, wherein any leader or parliament can not bind a future one, it seems he’s now realised his error.

This of course shows the error of agreeing anything with the current government which as stable and trustworthy as a grown man who still has a nanny. And that is neither strong, nor stable.

“It’s a shame you can’t bind the hands of future governments,” the nanny sighed, “little Jacob is constantly going on about it. If it wasn’t the case we wouldn’t have universal suffrage, which apparently would have been better for everyone.”

Clarity at last for Britons anxious that important ministries should have frequently updated, accurate names, with the announcement that DExEU is to be renamed DExExEU (Dept for Extending the Exit from the European Union).

”It’s great! I’ve got a job at a ministry,” James Cleverly cleverly told us, “they gave me a box to move my things over to DExExEU even! They said I could get an Uber! You have to be sharp to work there. Think of who went before me? Davis, Raab, Barclay, it’s like a roll call of genius.”

It’s believed the first duty of James, before he gets down to overseeing the stockpiling of localised famines (in a really smart way), will be to tell the other people at DExExEU that they need to change the official office paper to reflect the changed name.

”Extending is bigger,” James knows, we’re not sure if Dominic knew though, “it’s bigger than not extending. That’s what we’ll be doing now. We’ll be extending our exit from the EU!”

James replaced another genius, Chris Heating-Hams, who resigned from the ministry for a reason everyone has already forgotten, so we can’t tell you why.

”It’s going to be really busy now we’re extending our exit as part of the exit process. I suspect the new longer broom I’m bringing in will see people work for the first time. I’m actually quietly hopeful Barclay will get himself trapped in a revolving door and I can get the top job and be an actual Secretary of State, even though my short hand isn’t that great.”

So what will he do after he tells his new colleagues of the ministry’s name change?

”I think mostly they just go to the pub? The office culture was set by David Davis, you know him, there’s a statue of him as an SAS soldier in his garden. I’m going to enjoy just going to the pub. I hope the extensions are extended! Imagine that? I reckon this ministry is going to be here for a while yet. Well, before it’s called DreEU.”

What’s that?

”The Department for Remaining in the European Union, of course.”

The Head Mistress Theresa May (cartoon villain Victorian style teacher – runs a lavishly funded state school in Westminster) has surprised everyone this week by setting the head boy ‘Jezza’ (mature student, yet to graduate, multi-millionaire with an interest in politics) a snap IQ test.

It’s believed the boy has been studying for an IQ test of some variety since first being elected ‘absolute’ head boy back in 2015, but as yet he’s been left to his own devices to mutter and mumble over multiple choice practice questions such as:

Q. What form of Brexit best protects worker’s rights, collectively and individually?

a. None. All Brexits damage worker’s rights.

b. A jobs first Brexit.

c. The Brexit I attempted to sponsor in 2011, when Allotment House members John, Kate, Gisela and I voted with Tory Rugger Team players David Davis, Steve Baker, Andrew Bridgen, Nadine Dorries and others at the school council meeting for an IN/OUT EU ref, but failed at that time. We would succeed later.

https://www.theguardian.com/politics/2011/oct/24/eu-referendum-commons-vote-live-coverage

What questions will be on the IQ test for real have not been openly disclosed, although the Head Mistress hinted heavily at them. This has led some to suggest she’s secretly colluding with the head boy in the hope of helping him pass.

But an insider in the Head Mistress’s office has leaked a couple to us:

Q. What should be done about the proven illegality in the 2016 EU ref campaign by pro Leave campaigns?

a. Nothing. I want Brexit and I’m prepared to overlook the criminality.

b. A public inquiry must be held as soon as possible as without rule of law a democracy falls. And proven criminality invalidates the result of a poll.

if b. then,

ai. Would it be sensible for a leader of an official opposition that claims to want to be in government to use the proven illegality of senior members of a governing party politically in an attempt to bring about a general election?

Yes or No?

Another leaked question appears to have a creative writing focus.

Q. What is a jobs first Brexit? Describe using your imagination in 500 words or less, but being certain to include whether or not jobs lost prior to a Brexit, but resulting from the decision to Brexit, count as jobs lost in a jobs first Brexit?

And this one,

Q. What was the Labour Conference motion relating to a further referendum on EU membership, decided at conference in 2018?

Finally,

Q. If you discovered the Head Teacher of your school was possibly guilty of gross misconduct in office, would you,

a. Help her try and get away with it.

b. Tell her to get to f*ck and let her and her admin staff first stew, then rot in it as they’re dragged from office and held to account in the court of public opinion and potentially others.

While there are certain to be many questions on the IQ test, it’s believed that last one makes up the majority of the available points.

Strong and stable Theresa May has, once again, dragged the Downing Street podium into the spotlight in an attempt to appear less wooden. This time, she has made a barefaced plea for Jeremy Corbyn to join her in a coalition of chaos.

This follows an all-day Cabinet meeting, in which the executive was locked in a fortified dungeon until they agreed to support May’s dead duck of a deal. To disguise her intention to put it before Parliament yet again, she insisted that Corbyn was brought on board. This transparent attempt at consensus, she informed them, would allow MV4 to sneak under Bercow’s radar.

In the end, the cabinet folded. Not because they agreed with May, but it was the only way she would let them out to go to the toilet.

“I have today extended the hand of cooperation to Jeremy Corbyn,” May grated. “This is an effort to break the impasse that my pigheaded insistence on illogical red lines has created. It will be chaotic, but that’s because I don’t have much wriggle room left before the EU imposes a democratic election upon us. And that must never be allowed to happen!”

Corbyn allegedly heard the announcement while telling his home-grown spuds that they will soon be Free English Potatoes. But enough about John McDonnell and Keir Starmer.

Corbyn looked the gift horse in the mouth, and decided that it might not have been completely flogged to death after all. He failed to smell a rat (coz it’s a horse, innit), or to attach strings to it as a condition of his cooperation.

May, who had been sweating on Corbyn’s capitulation like only an android can, was relieved. “Finally, we have found the way forward,” she informed the bored press in a long-deserted barn somewhere in northern England. “With Labour on board, I can finally resign, and fuck off into the sunset, leaving Jeremy carrying the can. Brexit? Who gives a toss, I’m loaded!”

With that, she gave the can one last kick for luck and buggered off, leaving both the can and the keys to Number Ten in Corbyn’s bewildered hands.

It will be a truly Socialist Brexit. Await the Red Dawn.

The latest round of indicative votes reveals that Parliament is mightily sick of the whole Brexit charade. It has voted, decisively, for the Cabinet to re-enact the famous closing scene of The Young Ones.

The scene will be updated, naturally. A contemporary luxury coach, emblazoned with misleading slogans and base lies, will be used instead of an old Routemaster. The entire useless cabinet will be substituted for the four useless students. But Cliff Richard will still accompany them on their journey into the abyss.

This, members hope, will create a constitutional crisis, meaning that Brexit will have to be postponed – maybe indefinitely. After all, having voted to annihilate the executive, the parliamentarians are hardly likely to follow them over the cliff edge.

We’re all going on a summer holiday. “It will be easy to persuade them onto the bus,” said conspirator Elle Eventhour. “They didn’t vote, so they spent the evening getting pissed. We have put a crate of Champagne in the Brexit Bus, and put Elgar on the stereo. It will be almost embarrassingly easy.”

No more working for a week or two. “Or ever again, if our plan works,” adds Eventhour. “It’s the ideal way out of trouble. We can go back to the EU and plead special circumstances. Call it a Brexit dividend.”

Fun and laughter on a summer holiday. “Yes, I know it’s only spring, but so what?” argues Eventhour. “They will enjoy their short drive off a high cliff. I bet they will bray with insane laughter as they fall. Everybody’s happy.”

No more worries for me or you. “It will all be over,” sighed Eventhour. “Then we can all relax. We have programmed the playlist on the coach, so that the bus will go over the edge as the final verse of Summer Holiday plays out.”

For a week or two. “Yes, I suppose someone else will have to take over,” admitted Eventhour. “But first we all need a clean break!”

We’re going where the sun shines brightly. Sunlit uplands? Unlikely, but right now we would settle for Bognor Regis.