Category: Brexit

YOU GOT TO HAVE FAITH : THE HOME OFFICE has confirmed that the 2020 census will contain numerous new questions for the great British public to box tick, and one or two significant changes.

“Brexit has been added to the religions,” a Home Office minister, Mr B Affled (Tory MP for Anywhere) told LCD Views, “which is just reflecting the status it now has. You either believe in it or you’re a fifth columnist traitor who doesn’t respect the sacrifices of…I mean, you either believe in it or you’re scum. Jesus wept. It’s so hard to follow the new public discourse guidelines!”

And to make it easier for Brexit to get the ticks it deserves on the national data gathering exercise it will be top of the list of religions.

“It will also be next to all the others. So if you want to register as a Christian you’ll see a box “Christian and Brexiter”. You tick that box. You want to register as a Jedi you’ll see “Jedi and Brexiter” and so on. This will make it easier for the government to accurately report the overwhelming desire of the British people to get Brexit done. After we get it done we can worship it. Preferably through great blazing pyres of slaughtered farm animals that we can no longer export. Oh, and also human sacrifices, but, and this is important, only for the purposes of cannibalism.”

Other new questions will be added to the giant questionnaire to make sure all Global Britons have their particulars recorded. Thus ensuring an accurate snap shot of life in 2020 Brexitannia.

“The big questions will be, is parliament full of representatives chosen by the people, or is it a nest of snakes seeking to undermine the will of the people? What people’s opinions are now is what the facts are. That’s how we live in Brexitannia. That’s what matters. Oh, and by the way, climate change is a hoax. Buy gas.”

KNEEL WITH HANDS CLASPED AND MOUTH OPEN : A consortium of disaster capitalists pushing for Hard Brexit have moved today to dispel concerns about the impact on less wealthy people.

“Some would say if you were genetically daft and didn’t inherit vast wealth to store offshore that is your problem,” Mr Crisply Odious said, “but I say that’s giving a bad impression of people who simply wish to make a profit, with no physical production, at a lot of other people’s expense. It doesn’t do to tell the general public what we really think. It’s better to talk about sovereignty and immigration.”

Mr Odious paused a moment to dismantle a key public service, before continuing.

“The profits I make from urging elected representatives to take political decisions that allow me to better invest in Britain will be fairly distributed. Mostly by stabilising the assets I wish to purchase at an artificially deflated price, through political decisions. Then I buy and sell either intact or in pieces, thus redistributing the gains back offshore to whatever currency pleases. Or I just bet against the pound for an easy kill of course.”

But naturally there will be some shared about in the process?

“Of course. Who do you think is going to polish my Lamborghini? It won’t do it itself, yet. So a minimum wage worker will see the benefit. Clearly they may now have to pay to see a doctor, soon after a No Deal Brexit, but the free market created in healthcare will make sure it’s a better doctor than the one no longer available, free at the point of use, to the public.”

And of course you’ll be paying your fair share of tax on your profits.

“I wouldn’t be employing some exceptionally expensive accountants and lawyers to negotiate on my behalf with the taxman if I didn’t intend to pay what I consider fair.”

So all the talk of chaos as a result of a No Deal, or Hard Brexit, that’s just project fear?

“It’s project anticipation. Can you imagine what will happen while the state is focused on food distribution? How many swindles will go unnoticed? And just think about the inflow of offshore capital once the last remaining shreds of public services are put up for auction?”

So from all this there will be a trickle down of wealth creation to the average person?

“Isn’t that the way it’s supposed to work. People must pay their taxes. Not unless it’s company taxes of course. Those will of necessity have to be lowered to encourage even greater investment. And so too the regulations covering the jobs market. Cut the red tape! Cut it all away.”

I’m not really seeing how the massive generation of profit for a tiny percent from a sudden economic crash is going to trickle down?

“Then you’re not watching the champagne cascade down the glasses.”

JUST A MATTER OF TIME NOW : Boris Johnson is on the receiving end of some unexpected fire today as criticism of his core integrity began to land from previously supportive quarters.

“He doesn’t really believe in Brexit,” a prominent Brexit supporter damned the beleaguered caretaker PM, “When I voted for him to become PM, along with 0.13% of the proper British population, I expected a strongman who would stubbornly do what was required. A guy who’d rather be dead in a ditch than fail the currency speculators. Now? It’s clear his heart isn’t in it,

“at least you knew May was driven by xenophobia, and so long as she saw the chance to increase hostility in the environment, via Brexit, she would try and get it done. Who knows what’s driving Boris? Other than an unrelenting lust for blondes.”

And just how committed Mr Johnson is to delivering Brexit will be increasingly the question as the personal cost of the project begins to come in.

How much is he willing to pay personally for the project?

It will take a mighty personal sacrifice. Is he the man? Or is he all just talk and obsessed solely with self aggrandisement?

“Brexit shouldn’t be hard. It should already have happened. Who was it? There was one political leader who called for the immediate triggering of Article 50 the morning after the referendum? I can’t quite recall who it was now. Probably one of the Tory MPs who voted with certain Labour MPs back in 2011 for a referendum then?”

“Bet they would have done it. Being faced with knowledge you’d be the last PM of the UK would not have phased them,”

“Instant trigger of Article 50 wouldn’t have allowed the Bank of England any time to put in place stabilising measures. The world would have seen on the 24th June 2016 that the UK had suddenly gone completely insane, money would have flown away in a torrent and the entire show crashed. That would have gotten it done. Whoever that was, that’s someone who believes in the project. Stands to reason they have since the 70’s. Why aren’t they in Downing Street?”

And it’s likely the criticisms of Mr Johnson’s approach to the easiest deal in history will now be subject to increasing scrutiny by true believers.

“It’s not that Brexit is at core a completely flawed idea, only in place to serve toxic nationalists and disaster capitalists,” the critic continued, “or indeed far left revolutionaries of course, they’d love it too. It could create exactly the necessary degree of middle class terror and impoverishment to cause a proper revolutionary change in society. Brexit is a great idea. It’s just we need someone at the top who believes in it to deliver it.”

YUMMY IN MY TUMMY : THE BREXIT MONSTER has taken a moment out from devouring Tory prime ministers to update its fans across social media.

“Mostly I want to talk about taste,” the multi-fanged, thousand eyed, mutli-swivel headed creature that eats all who are stupid enough to come close, posted, “the taste of Boris Johnson in particular. At first I thought he looked a little fatty. I do like to watch my figure. And I worry about my liver. But as soon as I held him in my many hands I just knew I was going to enjoy devouring him too. So much mendacity. It’s actually pleasingly salty. And the taste of endless lies? Mmm. Like a peppercorn and cream sauce.”

And devouring Boris Johnson Brexit most certainly is. Just like it gobbled down Theresa May, David Cameron and John Major.

“May was all bones really. I made a soup out of her. Bugger all taste to it though. No marrow in the those bones. Which wasn’t exactly a surprise. Not an ounce of warm blood coursing through the veins. Still, the dish tasted a little like jerky. Strung out and dried by xenophobia. I’ve still got a few of her ribs. I don’t know if I’ll ever get around to grinding them up to make my bread. Not now I’m eating Boris. Mmm. Tasty.”

And how long does Brexit think it will take to finish off Mr Johnson?

“I’m speeding up. He was always just going to repeat May’s nonsense premiership on fast forward. I’m into his midriff now. He’s flapping about outside of my lips like a seal in a shark’s jaws. So much squealing! It does add to the ambiance of dining. I won’t be long. I’ll be looking for the next dish. Now if you don’t mind, I’m getting back to it. I want to sauté his heart. If I can find it!”

Excellent. But before you go, what did David Cameron taste like?

“Why pork of course.”

MAKE IT LAST FOREVER : LABOUR CONFERENCE voted to pass a motion yesterday, because everyone needs one every day, and with a democratic show of hands voted for whatever it was the leadership had decided the result would be.

“It was most democratic way to go about deciding our latest positioning on Brexit,” a Labour source told LCD Views, “the will of the party is now set on Tantric Brexit. Why not have a neutral position on the most divisive political issue facing the country? Let everyone fill the vacuum you’ve become themselves. That’s leadership right there. Makes you wonder how we’d run the country.”

Maybe, just maybe because the longer Brexit drags out the worse the risk to the peace in Northern Ireland? And Revoke Article 50, investigate all the criminality and explain to the voters who support Brexit exactly how they’ve been lied to and manipulated, and what you intend to do about that, is a more responsible policy?

“No. We have the moral high ground, because we claim to be peacemakers and pacifists. A Labour Brexit will naturally be calming for society. Next?”

Maybe because Brexit is causing serious trauma to millions of people who settled in the UK legally, feeling they were welcome to become part of the UK’s family, even starting families with Brits many of them, and are now faced with a retrospective immigration law change throwing their lives into turmoil?

And they weren’t even allowed a vote in the referendum that caused this?

And they expected the major left wing party to fight for their rights against the hard right disaster capitalists, tax dodgers and fascists who drive Brexit? Not keep the door open for their potential success.

“No. We have the moral high ground. We are all about protecting people’s rights. We have to leave the Single Market in order to do that. Next?”

Maybe because holding another referendum, before anything has been done to actually prevent all the criminality, foreign interference and voter manipulation that rigged the first one isn’t a wise policy, democratically?

“No. We are the most democratic of parties. Just look at how we decided our Brexit policy yesterday. A show of hands. A call of the vote. Over ruled by the chair. A denial of a card ballot and a song in praise of Jeremy Corbyn. What could be more democratic than that? Next.”

Maybe because it’s just a bloody fantasy to expect to gain power with a neutral policy on the matter that’s tearing the UK apart, and then expect to re-negotiate Brexit in a few months? Clearly an unrealistic timeframe that just sets your supporters up for disappointment and sows seeds of further division?

“You Tory shill. I’ve seen your timeline. 99% attacking the Tories and Brexit. It’s bloody clear who you work for. Next?”

Maybe, finally, because it’s obviously a catastrophic policy if you hope to win a general election and you’ll shed votes to the left and right like nobody’s business and be in no position to kick the Tories out?

At best we’ll get a hung parliament and you’ll have to go into coalition or obscurity, at worst you’ve opened the way for a Tory majority.

“Now you’ve hit the nail on the head. Our policy is designed to give the Tories enough rope to hang themselves. This will only occur once the middle classes are eating out of bins. Then the people will rise and sweep Labour to power with revolutionary fervour.”

So that’s why it’s a tantric policy?

“Yes. Boris Johnson and chums need time to stoke the fires of revolution. They’ve made some great strides, but they aren’t there yet. We need to keep out of the way and let them break the eggs for our omelette. We’ve kept out of the way of policy making for nearly 40 years, some of us, while becoming multi-millionaires through our obscure political careers. We’re for the many, not the few. Excuse me. I have to clear my throat.”

That makes sense, if you’re led by unreformed, wannabe communist revolutionaries who formed their worldview in the 70’s.

Clever thinking.

This way you’ll get to crow triumphantly when Corbyn sees off Johnson and the Tory PM to follow him from the safety of the opposition benches. No risk of taking any responsibility.

“Yes. Tantric opposition without ever finishing. It’s a very satisfying policy.”

CRASHING AND BURNING FOR BREXIT : 10 Downing Street is popping the champagne today after the announcement by Thomas Cook that they had become martyrs for Brexit.

“To have an ancient and famous British brand hurl itself into the flames of devalued Sterling in order to make a success of Brexit? That’s a gesture of belief that will take some serious act of government failure to better,” a Downing Street source told LCD Views, “not to mention the 22,000 employees? All the associated supply chains? It’s a staggering sacrifice. We’re going to need to make medals for the heroes of Brexit.”

And the patriotic end of the 178 year old brand has prompted Downing Street to update its advice to business.

“We’re going to be spending an additional £200m on a new wave of ‘Get Ready for Brexit’ posters. Thomas Cook being the shining example of what business needs to do before, or some may say preferably after, we’ve delivered Brexit, do or die.”

Of course not everyone is celebrating as they should be. The BBC is coming in for particular fire from its friends in government for not mentioning the impact of the serious devaluation of Sterling on global supply chain business models.

“It’s a bit baffling. Clearly we all know diesel was a driver in the failure. So too a lack of belief in powered flight on behalf of the executives. But why fail to mention the weakened purchasing power of the UK’s currency? Total head scratcher.”

We did ask Boris Johnson for comment, but he wasn’t available, busy flying over to New York to make Britain proud at the UN.

But we reckon we can guess his comment, based on past utterances.

“F U C K Thomas Cook.”

Thank you Boris and all who are working to make a success of Brexit by seeing ancient British businesses die.

THE OLD ROMAN ROAD : The United Kingdom’s stock of people who’ve once passed a celebrity on the street looks in serious danger today as the southwest London suburb of Streatham became the scene of almost total devastation.

Early this morning reports began to filter out via a local mum’s group on social media that an outbreak of Black Death had begun. It’s believed to have been caused by the high anti-Brexit vote in the area in 2016.

“It was only a matter of time,” a Home Office source told LCD Views, “before the almost celebrity studded streets of Streatham, which are cheek by jowl with the suppurating Brixton slums (which coddle the plague bacteria by also being pro-EU), got hit. We are deeply concerned as this is a clear danger to the precious lives of people who have occasionally appeared on ITV4.”

But even as the bodies pile up out front of the Odeon cinema no action is being taken.

“To fight the outbreak of plague would weaken our negotiating hand with the EU,” the Home Office source confirmed, “if we aren’t prepared to let our own voters perish, what does that say to Junker?”

And with no government help forthcoming the local residents are having to organise and defend themselves.

“There’s a plague of hipster barbers along the long high road,” a correspondent reports from the scene, “these are now being overwhelmed by desperate local residents with bulging groin and armpit ulcers, demanding the barbers act like the surgeons of old. But as yet, the young barbers have only responded by offering a two for one on beard shampooing.”

It’s also believed the outbreak of new vaping shops are being hit by the yersini pestis smash and grab.

“A mob has formed outside several of the new shops. The demands seem to be that the entire stock of vaping liquid be vaped at once in a mass public ceremony in the hope of purifying the air and ridding SW16 of plague.”

The lack of official response has caused grave concern in areas north and south of SW16, as the long road that cuts through Lambeth and on to the coast will surely spread the plague in a swathe through south London.

“Ignore the hype over the fatality rate,” the Home Office source added, “each burning pyre of bodies brings the EU’s removal of the Irish Backstop from any Brexit Deal that much closer.”

THERE IS SOMETHING FISHY GOING ON : Chris Grayling is reported back in cabinet today with the announcement the government is to spend £100m on submersible posters so British fish know what to expect.

“It was his brainchild,” a cabinet spokesman said, “at least that’s what I was told. Which was nice, since Short Cummings assumed total dominion over the United Kingdom, I’m used to being told nothing. Mostly it’s just threats of physical violence, getting flecked by spit and having my phone smashed. We never used to have our phones smashed under May.”

But while the decision to spaff money into the sea will reassure the general public that patriotic fish will also be cared for as a new world smashes open across our faces like rotten eggs, some have queried the timing.

“It’s a dead cat to distract from the Supreme Court decision about how much Boris and Jacob lied to the Queen,” a stern government critic weighed in, “this is needless expense. We all know DExEU trained dolphins to spread the word about No Deal Brexit back in David Davis’ time.”

At least the critics aren’t concerned that all these endless money tree billions should have been spent on teachers, doctors, nurses, coppers, firefighters, and community groups to help create an atmosphere conducive to less young offending.

Let’s spend it on posters to throw in the sea instead. Very Brexit.

Are you ready for Brexit? You don’t need to be. And how could you be? No one knows what it’ll be. But don’t let that stop you being ready all the same. The street parties, when it’s finally dead and buried, will be frenetic, and you’ll need to be well supplied.

NATURE ABHORS A VACUUM : Downing Street has been the focus for some unusual criticism this week after it sent so called “non-papers” on Brexit to the EU.

“It’s all rot,” Stephen ‘the Barsarker’ Barclay admitted privately to a packed news conference, “the non-papers were papers, just they were blank papers, as we were hoping the EU would do the working out for us. Paper of this quality isn’t cheap. You think they’d be more grateful. This just underlined why we have to crash out of the EU, about the one thing we can do successfully. The crashing bit that is.”

But nonetheless it’s not just the EU that were left underwhelmed. Much of the UK is too.

“Just because it’s only weeks until we’re due to leave, do or die, and we’re spending endless millions that could have funded public services on pro-Brexit propaganda, some people expect us to actually have a coherent plan. To come up with constructive and feasible alternatives to the things we don’t like? It’s just not fair. We’re not miracle workers you know.”

Which is a shame really. Miracle workers are needed to make a success of Brexit.

“It wasn’t supposed to be this way anyway. Boris was supposed to get a GE by now. Meddling MPs have spoiled the plan. Now what have we got left? The blame game. That’s what. And we’re going to make a success of it.”

About all you can expect from a non-government whose entire focus seems to be producing a daily barrage of campaign videos for Boris Johnson. No actual sign of any governance.

And you have to wonder, at what point does the UK convulse and throw off all this incompetence? And that includes throwing off Brexit, the very wellspring of it.

IF THE LIE FITS SAY IT : Global Britons are feeling positive and upbeat about the future, near and far, today as Boris Johnson continues to set the campaign trail ablaze.

“It’s a damn good thing he got that five week prorogation of Parliament through,” a Downing Street source told LCD Views, “that has given him four weeks, six and a half days to campaign in without parliamentary scrutiny, before a general election spending cap comes into force, and leaves him a few hours to scribble down some nonsense for the Queen to say. This just before parliament is suspended again for a general election anyway.”

But while it is outlandish to suggest evasion of scrutiny was the reason for suspending parliament, with Mr Johnson, scrutiny is still having its way.

“We really must do better at predicting what danger is waiting just around the corner each day,” the source continued, “we do have our best brain working on it, but you could not have seen it coming. No one could have foreseen an upset and anxious parent confronting Mr Johnson about the state of the NHS when he dropped in to an NHS hospital out of legitimate concern for the service.”

It’s a good thing Mr Johnson is so intellectually nimble.

“Yes. He reacted like a seasoned fighter pilot faced with a sudden threat. Talk about evasive manoeuvres! Telling the man that there was no press present when they were both standing metres from the press? Brilliant. That’s a move straight out of fifty shades of multi-dimensional chess.”

And the fast footwork has at least reassured the country regarding Mr Johnson’s stated reason for being in office.

“The general public are cunning, unpredictable and vicious. Seasoned hands at taking down politicians when they are surprised by them. It’s basically the only thing random members of the public are ever prepared for. You just wait and see how minced is Brussel’s meat when it comes to the last seconds of No Deal Brexit chicken.”