Category: Brexit

HOME IS WHERE THE HEART WAS : HOME SECRETARY Priti Patel has moved today to quell concerns that any Brexit (YES THAT MEANS ANY LEXIT TOO) is only going to make life worse for people who aren’t wealthy.

“The British people need to stop immigration,” the former disgraced Secretary of State for International Development told an audience of rabidly xenophobic geriatrics, “and that means stopping British people moving homes too. Stopping them easily meeting people from other places. You can’t create a siege mentality regarding Europe if you let people easily move around it. We’re here to help with that.”

But just in case anyone was concerned this was a one size fits all policy, Ms Patel had reassurance.

“I wonder if anyone has done a study of the amount of Brexit supporting millionaires who’ve now purchased a burgundy passport from one of the EU’s smaller member states?” Ms Patel smiled warmly, the very essence of the milk of human kindness,

“indeed, given that the Lexit leaders are also multi-millionaires, have they ensured their freedom of movement too? Even as their political efforts will strip the jobs of an as yet uncounted number of the people they say they defend? All to satisfy a sense of grievance that Brexit will only exacerbate longer term. But you’ve taken back control from Westminster! Haven’t you left behind Britons! You’ve taken back control from those who couldn’t care less about you by doing exactly what they want. How does that feel? I have the control now. You won’t be getting away from the collectivised farm comrades by going to Germany for work this time!”

Here Ms Patel paused to stare into the middle distance and imagine everyone in Britain walled up in their own home. Now and then released to work in a zero hours, gig economy job, while the bank accounts of the bosses swell. Because they deserve it.

“We will take that freedom to move away from all 65m+ Britons, excepting the ones wealthy enough to continue to enjoy it,” she reiterated, “this is the will of the people. To stay home. To keep their children at home. To watch across the channel as an entire continent continues to enjoy it. But not Global Britons. Oh no. Not unless they can afford it.”

No one can have a problem with that. Not even someone seeking Lexit.

“Brexit will level the playing field. And then peasants, then you will till it. Well, not the people in this audience clearly. The poorer ones who just marginally voted for it in a criminally corrupted opinion poll held years ago now.”

What will you give up to make a success of Brexit? A lot more than anyone else on the continent of Europe, that’s for sure.

EASY TO READ FORMAT : Outgoing Prime Minister, and by all appearances, amateur gangster, Boris Johnson has bowed to pressure and released his detailed plan for Getting Brexit Gone, we mean done, to the public.

“Saves time,” a Downing Street source told LCD Views, “someone is only going to leak it anyway.”

The plan, in triplicate, covers every angle Mr Johnson has turned his powerful logistical mind to since becoming Prime Minister.

He hasn’t just been cooking up inflammatory tabloid headlines to gaslight and confuse the public. He hasn’t just allegedly been praying that even more young women don’t come forward to say he’s had his way with them.

Not that it matters anymore. When you really sit and consider his character and what is publicly known of his past deeds, you’re only left with wondering how the f#ck he got to become prime minister. And also what it says about our political class, and broader public culture, if he’s allowed to continue being prime minister.

Whose hands are on the levers of power?

“This release of the plan, in triplicate, will certainly help the Conservative Party conference get underway in an atmosphere of bonhomie and confidence,” the source continued, “it’ll save Mr Johnson time too. When overly sceptical party members ask him what the plan is, he can just say, haven’t you seen it? Swagger on and knob some random blonde.”

But critics have been quick to point out that although being released in triplicate, there is actually nothing to it.

“That’s because Brexit is outstandingly simple as a concept,” the source clarified, “smash everything and burn it. It’s really perplexing why people who profess to love democracy keep trying to undermine it.”

What will happen after Mr Johnson’s plan is actioned is less certain however. The plan doesn’t appear to cover the days after.

“Well it will depend on which currencies Sterling is fluctuating the most against. But I wouldn’t worry your little head about it.”

A further wheeze to read the plan out loud to the conference has been abandoned though, as mostly conference attendees will be too busy scribbling over their personal copies of the plan with crayons and clapping like seals on demand.

YOU GOT TO HAVE FAITH : THE HOME OFFICE has confirmed that the 2020 census will contain numerous new questions for the great British public to box tick, and one or two significant changes.

“Brexit has been added to the religions,” a Home Office minister, Mr B Affled (Tory MP for Anywhere) told LCD Views, “which is just reflecting the status it now has. You either believe in it or you’re a fifth columnist traitor who doesn’t respect the sacrifices of…I mean, you either believe in it or you’re scum. Jesus wept. It’s so hard to follow the new public discourse guidelines!”

And to make it easier for Brexit to get the ticks it deserves on the national data gathering exercise it will be top of the list of religions.

“It will also be next to all the others. So if you want to register as a Christian you’ll see a box “Christian and Brexiter”. You tick that box. You want to register as a Jedi you’ll see “Jedi and Brexiter” and so on. This will make it easier for the government to accurately report the overwhelming desire of the British people to get Brexit done. After we get it done we can worship it. Preferably through great blazing pyres of slaughtered farm animals that we can no longer export. Oh, and also human sacrifices, but, and this is important, only for the purposes of cannibalism.”

Other new questions will be added to the giant questionnaire to make sure all Global Britons have their particulars recorded. Thus ensuring an accurate snap shot of life in 2020 Brexitannia.

“The big questions will be, is parliament full of representatives chosen by the people, or is it a nest of snakes seeking to undermine the will of the people? What people’s opinions are now is what the facts are. That’s how we live in Brexitannia. That’s what matters. Oh, and by the way, climate change is a hoax. Buy gas.”

KNEEL WITH HANDS CLASPED AND MOUTH OPEN : A consortium of disaster capitalists pushing for Hard Brexit have moved today to dispel concerns about the impact on less wealthy people.

“Some would say if you were genetically daft and didn’t inherit vast wealth to store offshore that is your problem,” Mr Crisply Odious said, “but I say that’s giving a bad impression of people who simply wish to make a profit, with no physical production, at a lot of other people’s expense. It doesn’t do to tell the general public what we really think. It’s better to talk about sovereignty and immigration.”

Mr Odious paused a moment to dismantle a key public service, before continuing.

“The profits I make from urging elected representatives to take political decisions that allow me to better invest in Britain will be fairly distributed. Mostly by stabilising the assets I wish to purchase at an artificially deflated price, through political decisions. Then I buy and sell either intact or in pieces, thus redistributing the gains back offshore to whatever currency pleases. Or I just bet against the pound for an easy kill of course.”

But naturally there will be some shared about in the process?

“Of course. Who do you think is going to polish my Lamborghini? It won’t do it itself, yet. So a minimum wage worker will see the benefit. Clearly they may now have to pay to see a doctor, soon after a No Deal Brexit, but the free market created in healthcare will make sure it’s a better doctor than the one no longer available, free at the point of use, to the public.”

And of course you’ll be paying your fair share of tax on your profits.

“I wouldn’t be employing some exceptionally expensive accountants and lawyers to negotiate on my behalf with the taxman if I didn’t intend to pay what I consider fair.”

So all the talk of chaos as a result of a No Deal, or Hard Brexit, that’s just project fear?

“It’s project anticipation. Can you imagine what will happen while the state is focused on food distribution? How many swindles will go unnoticed? And just think about the inflow of offshore capital once the last remaining shreds of public services are put up for auction?”

So from all this there will be a trickle down of wealth creation to the average person?

“Isn’t that the way it’s supposed to work. People must pay their taxes. Not unless it’s company taxes of course. Those will of necessity have to be lowered to encourage even greater investment. And so too the regulations covering the jobs market. Cut the red tape! Cut it all away.”

I’m not really seeing how the massive generation of profit for a tiny percent from a sudden economic crash is going to trickle down?

“Then you’re not watching the champagne cascade down the glasses.”

JUST A MATTER OF TIME NOW : Boris Johnson is on the receiving end of some unexpected fire today as criticism of his core integrity began to land from previously supportive quarters.

“He doesn’t really believe in Brexit,” a prominent Brexit supporter damned the beleaguered caretaker PM, “When I voted for him to become PM, along with 0.13% of the proper British population, I expected a strongman who would stubbornly do what was required. A guy who’d rather be dead in a ditch than fail the currency speculators. Now? It’s clear his heart isn’t in it,

“at least you knew May was driven by xenophobia, and so long as she saw the chance to increase hostility in the environment, via Brexit, she would try and get it done. Who knows what’s driving Boris? Other than an unrelenting lust for blondes.”

And just how committed Mr Johnson is to delivering Brexit will be increasingly the question as the personal cost of the project begins to come in.

How much is he willing to pay personally for the project?

It will take a mighty personal sacrifice. Is he the man? Or is he all just talk and obsessed solely with self aggrandisement?

“Brexit shouldn’t be hard. It should already have happened. Who was it? There was one political leader who called for the immediate triggering of Article 50 the morning after the referendum? I can’t quite recall who it was now. Probably one of the Tory MPs who voted with certain Labour MPs back in 2011 for a referendum then?”

“Bet they would have done it. Being faced with knowledge you’d be the last PM of the UK would not have phased them,”

“Instant trigger of Article 50 wouldn’t have allowed the Bank of England any time to put in place stabilising measures. The world would have seen on the 24th June 2016 that the UK had suddenly gone completely insane, money would have flown away in a torrent and the entire show crashed. That would have gotten it done. Whoever that was, that’s someone who believes in the project. Stands to reason they have since the 70’s. Why aren’t they in Downing Street?”

And it’s likely the criticisms of Mr Johnson’s approach to the easiest deal in history will now be subject to increasing scrutiny by true believers.

“It’s not that Brexit is at core a completely flawed idea, only in place to serve toxic nationalists and disaster capitalists,” the critic continued, “or indeed far left revolutionaries of course, they’d love it too. It could create exactly the necessary degree of middle class terror and impoverishment to cause a proper revolutionary change in society. Brexit is a great idea. It’s just we need someone at the top who believes in it to deliver it.”

YUMMY IN MY TUMMY : THE BREXIT MONSTER has taken a moment out from devouring Tory prime ministers to update its fans across social media.

“Mostly I want to talk about taste,” the multi-fanged, thousand eyed, mutli-swivel headed creature that eats all who are stupid enough to come close, posted, “the taste of Boris Johnson in particular. At first I thought he looked a little fatty. I do like to watch my figure. And I worry about my liver. But as soon as I held him in my many hands I just knew I was going to enjoy devouring him too. So much mendacity. It’s actually pleasingly salty. And the taste of endless lies? Mmm. Like a peppercorn and cream sauce.”

And devouring Boris Johnson Brexit most certainly is. Just like it gobbled down Theresa May, David Cameron and John Major.

“May was all bones really. I made a soup out of her. Bugger all taste to it though. No marrow in the those bones. Which wasn’t exactly a surprise. Not an ounce of warm blood coursing through the veins. Still, the dish tasted a little like jerky. Strung out and dried by xenophobia. I’ve still got a few of her ribs. I don’t know if I’ll ever get around to grinding them up to make my bread. Not now I’m eating Boris. Mmm. Tasty.”

And how long does Brexit think it will take to finish off Mr Johnson?

“I’m speeding up. He was always just going to repeat May’s nonsense premiership on fast forward. I’m into his midriff now. He’s flapping about outside of my lips like a seal in a shark’s jaws. So much squealing! It does add to the ambiance of dining. I won’t be long. I’ll be looking for the next dish. Now if you don’t mind, I’m getting back to it. I want to sauté his heart. If I can find it!”

Excellent. But before you go, what did David Cameron taste like?

“Why pork of course.”

MAKE IT LAST FOREVER : LABOUR CONFERENCE voted to pass a motion yesterday, because everyone needs one every day, and with a democratic show of hands voted for whatever it was the leadership had decided the result would be.

“It was most democratic way to go about deciding our latest positioning on Brexit,” a Labour source told LCD Views, “the will of the party is now set on Tantric Brexit. Why not have a neutral position on the most divisive political issue facing the country? Let everyone fill the vacuum you’ve become themselves. That’s leadership right there. Makes you wonder how we’d run the country.”

Maybe, just maybe because the longer Brexit drags out the worse the risk to the peace in Northern Ireland? And Revoke Article 50, investigate all the criminality and explain to the voters who support Brexit exactly how they’ve been lied to and manipulated, and what you intend to do about that, is a more responsible policy?

“No. We have the moral high ground, because we claim to be peacemakers and pacifists. A Labour Brexit will naturally be calming for society. Next?”

Maybe because Brexit is causing serious trauma to millions of people who settled in the UK legally, feeling they were welcome to become part of the UK’s family, even starting families with Brits many of them, and are now faced with a retrospective immigration law change throwing their lives into turmoil?

And they weren’t even allowed a vote in the referendum that caused this?

And they expected the major left wing party to fight for their rights against the hard right disaster capitalists, tax dodgers and fascists who drive Brexit? Not keep the door open for their potential success.

“No. We have the moral high ground. We are all about protecting people’s rights. We have to leave the Single Market in order to do that. Next?”

Maybe because holding another referendum, before anything has been done to actually prevent all the criminality, foreign interference and voter manipulation that rigged the first one isn’t a wise policy, democratically?

“No. We are the most democratic of parties. Just look at how we decided our Brexit policy yesterday. A show of hands. A call of the vote. Over ruled by the chair. A denial of a card ballot and a song in praise of Jeremy Corbyn. What could be more democratic than that? Next.”

Maybe because it’s just a bloody fantasy to expect to gain power with a neutral policy on the matter that’s tearing the UK apart, and then expect to re-negotiate Brexit in a few months? Clearly an unrealistic timeframe that just sets your supporters up for disappointment and sows seeds of further division?

“You Tory shill. I’ve seen your timeline. 99% attacking the Tories and Brexit. It’s bloody clear who you work for. Next?”

Maybe, finally, because it’s obviously a catastrophic policy if you hope to win a general election and you’ll shed votes to the left and right like nobody’s business and be in no position to kick the Tories out?

At best we’ll get a hung parliament and you’ll have to go into coalition or obscurity, at worst you’ve opened the way for a Tory majority.

“Now you’ve hit the nail on the head. Our policy is designed to give the Tories enough rope to hang themselves. This will only occur once the middle classes are eating out of bins. Then the people will rise and sweep Labour to power with revolutionary fervour.”

So that’s why it’s a tantric policy?

“Yes. Boris Johnson and chums need time to stoke the fires of revolution. They’ve made some great strides, but they aren’t there yet. We need to keep out of the way and let them break the eggs for our omelette. We’ve kept out of the way of policy making for nearly 40 years, some of us, while becoming multi-millionaires through our obscure political careers. We’re for the many, not the few. Excuse me. I have to clear my throat.”

That makes sense, if you’re led by unreformed, wannabe communist revolutionaries who formed their worldview in the 70’s.

Clever thinking.

This way you’ll get to crow triumphantly when Corbyn sees off Johnson and the Tory PM to follow him from the safety of the opposition benches. No risk of taking any responsibility.

“Yes. Tantric opposition without ever finishing. It’s a very satisfying policy.”

CRASHING AND BURNING FOR BREXIT : 10 Downing Street is popping the champagne today after the announcement by Thomas Cook that they had become martyrs for Brexit.

“To have an ancient and famous British brand hurl itself into the flames of devalued Sterling in order to make a success of Brexit? That’s a gesture of belief that will take some serious act of government failure to better,” a Downing Street source told LCD Views, “not to mention the 22,000 employees? All the associated supply chains? It’s a staggering sacrifice. We’re going to need to make medals for the heroes of Brexit.”

And the patriotic end of the 178 year old brand has prompted Downing Street to update its advice to business.

“We’re going to be spending an additional £200m on a new wave of ‘Get Ready for Brexit’ posters. Thomas Cook being the shining example of what business needs to do before, or some may say preferably after, we’ve delivered Brexit, do or die.”

Of course not everyone is celebrating as they should be. The BBC is coming in for particular fire from its friends in government for not mentioning the impact of the serious devaluation of Sterling on global supply chain business models.

“It’s a bit baffling. Clearly we all know diesel was a driver in the failure. So too a lack of belief in powered flight on behalf of the executives. But why fail to mention the weakened purchasing power of the UK’s currency? Total head scratcher.”

We did ask Boris Johnson for comment, but he wasn’t available, busy flying over to New York to make Britain proud at the UN.

But we reckon we can guess his comment, based on past utterances.

“F U C K Thomas Cook.”

Thank you Boris and all who are working to make a success of Brexit by seeing ancient British businesses die.

THE OLD ROMAN ROAD : The United Kingdom’s stock of people who’ve once passed a celebrity on the street looks in serious danger today as the southwest London suburb of Streatham became the scene of almost total devastation.

Early this morning reports began to filter out via a local mum’s group on social media that an outbreak of Black Death had begun. It’s believed to have been caused by the high anti-Brexit vote in the area in 2016.

“It was only a matter of time,” a Home Office source told LCD Views, “before the almost celebrity studded streets of Streatham, which are cheek by jowl with the suppurating Brixton slums (which coddle the plague bacteria by also being pro-EU), got hit. We are deeply concerned as this is a clear danger to the precious lives of people who have occasionally appeared on ITV4.”

But even as the bodies pile up out front of the Odeon cinema no action is being taken.

“To fight the outbreak of plague would weaken our negotiating hand with the EU,” the Home Office source confirmed, “if we aren’t prepared to let our own voters perish, what does that say to Junker?”

And with no government help forthcoming the local residents are having to organise and defend themselves.

“There’s a plague of hipster barbers along the long high road,” a correspondent reports from the scene, “these are now being overwhelmed by desperate local residents with bulging groin and armpit ulcers, demanding the barbers act like the surgeons of old. But as yet, the young barbers have only responded by offering a two for one on beard shampooing.”

It’s also believed the outbreak of new vaping shops are being hit by the yersini pestis smash and grab.

“A mob has formed outside several of the new shops. The demands seem to be that the entire stock of vaping liquid be vaped at once in a mass public ceremony in the hope of purifying the air and ridding SW16 of plague.”

The lack of official response has caused grave concern in areas north and south of SW16, as the long road that cuts through Lambeth and on to the coast will surely spread the plague in a swathe through south London.

“Ignore the hype over the fatality rate,” the Home Office source added, “each burning pyre of bodies brings the EU’s removal of the Irish Backstop from any Brexit Deal that much closer.”

THERE IS SOMETHING FISHY GOING ON : Chris Grayling is reported back in cabinet today with the announcement the government is to spend £100m on submersible posters so British fish know what to expect.

“It was his brainchild,” a cabinet spokesman said, “at least that’s what I was told. Which was nice, since Short Cummings assumed total dominion over the United Kingdom, I’m used to being told nothing. Mostly it’s just threats of physical violence, getting flecked by spit and having my phone smashed. We never used to have our phones smashed under May.”

But while the decision to spaff money into the sea will reassure the general public that patriotic fish will also be cared for as a new world smashes open across our faces like rotten eggs, some have queried the timing.

“It’s a dead cat to distract from the Supreme Court decision about how much Boris and Jacob lied to the Queen,” a stern government critic weighed in, “this is needless expense. We all know DExEU trained dolphins to spread the word about No Deal Brexit back in David Davis’ time.”

At least the critics aren’t concerned that all these endless money tree billions should have been spent on teachers, doctors, nurses, coppers, firefighters, and community groups to help create an atmosphere conducive to less young offending.

Let’s spend it on posters to throw in the sea instead. Very Brexit.

Are you ready for Brexit? You don’t need to be. And how could you be? No one knows what it’ll be. But don’t let that stop you being ready all the same. The street parties, when it’s finally dead and buried, will be frenetic, and you’ll need to be well supplied.