YUMMY IN MY TUMMY : THE BREXIT MONSTER has taken a moment out from devouring Tory prime ministers to update its fans across social media.
“Mostly I want to talk about taste,” the multi-fanged, thousand eyed, mutli-swivel headed creature that eats all who are stupid enough to come close, posted, “the taste of Boris Johnson in particular. At first I thought he looked a little fatty. I do like to watch my figure. And I worry about my liver. But as soon as I held him in my many hands I just knew I was going to enjoy devouring him too. So much mendacity. It’s actually pleasingly salty. And the taste of endless lies? Mmm. Like a peppercorn and cream sauce.”
And devouring Boris Johnson Brexit most certainly is. Just like it gobbled down Theresa May, David Cameron and John Major.
“May was all bones really. I made a soup out of her. Bugger all taste to it though. No marrow in the those bones. Which wasn’t exactly a surprise. Not an ounce of warm blood coursing through the veins. Still, the dish tasted a little like jerky. Strung out and dried by xenophobia. I’ve still got a few of her ribs. I don’t know if I’ll ever get around to grinding them up to make my bread. Not now I’m eating Boris. Mmm. Tasty.”
And how long does Brexit think it will take to finish off Mr Johnson?
“I’m speeding up. He was always just going to repeat May’s nonsense premiership on fast forward. I’m into his midriff now. He’s flapping about outside of my lips like a seal in a shark’s jaws. So much squealing! It does add to the ambiance of dining. I won’t be long. I’ll be looking for the next dish. Now if you don’t mind, I’m getting back to it. I want to sauté his heart. If I can find it!”
Excellent. But before you go, what did David Cameron taste like?
“Why pork of course.”