LCD Views has exciting news for informed voters concerned about who will insult their intelligence after Brexit with the announcement that struggling, jobbing, multi-millionaire actor Michael Caine is to deliver the inaugural Brexit sermon, on the mount, dressed as Elizabeth 1st. This will help Britons HOLD FAST as we HUNGRILY CARVE A NEW AND EXCITING FUTURE OUT OF THE BALSA WOOD OF INTERNATIONAL RELATIONS.
“I’ve been preparing for this role since yesterday morning,” Mr Caine told an effervescent John Humphrys, during an interview on BBC R4 flag-up-pole, light entertainment programme ‘Today’,
“yeah, maybe it was the day before yesterday? When did I have that tomato soup? You know the one I had with white bread? Not the sourdough, ghastly foreign tasting stuff, can’t stand it myself,
“Anyway, long enough to know that it’s good to be poor. Virtuous you see. Alfie was virtuous like. A man’s man too. You know the kind. And Britons are naturally virtuous and ONCE WE’RE FREE OF THE TYRANNICAL GRIP OF BRUSSELS WE CAN HAVE ALL THE VIRTUE WE CAN EAT. IT’S BETTER TO DIE STARVING IN THE GUTTER HAVING WATCHED YOUR KIDS FUTURES TURN TO DUST THAN HAVE A VOTE IN BRUSSELS.”
THE LAPSE INTO FULL CAPS LOCK GAMMON BY MICKEY…sorry… our printing press caps lock was stuck…the solid support for the national project from one of the UK’s best loved old, white, male millionaires is timely as Brexit does look like it could do with a dose of viagra.
Mr Caine was good enough to give Mr Humphrys a few snippets of what his sermon will be like.
“Of course I’ll be dressed as Elizabeth 1st,” Mr Caine revealed, “on a horse. Tilbury speech to the cheesemakers. You know the one. When we saved cheddar from the French? Cracking victory. British exceptionalism at its exceptionalist.”
But what will the sermon be?
“I’ll be mixing in a bit of the old gospel. Blessed are the tax exiles, for their children shall dine on the meek. Blessed are they that mourn the brains rotting in old age of John Cleese, Roger Daltrey and that cheeky chap who played Alfie, for they have truly lost their stars. And once I’ve done that I’ll round it off with Elizabethan chatter,
“I know I have the bank account of a filthy rich old man, but I have the political views of complete fcuking gammon. That sort of stuff. It’ll show the cheese eating surrender monkeys what they’re up against. Just like in 1066.”