RAISE A GLASS OR TWO : UK MPS HAVE RESPONDED TO UNFOUNDED CRITICISMS THAT THEY DRINK TOO MUCH AT WORK.
The arrival of some new Green MP that major news outlets are reluctant to name has led to a furious debate inside the Westminster Village, and its local population of alcoholic reporters, over how much drinking at work is too much?
“It’s just voter envy,” one MP told LCD Views over a quiet pint inside one of the Palace of Westminsters forty seven publicly subsidised bars, “just because a doctor can’t drink while operating shouldn’t mean I can’t nip into the Wig and Scandal for a quick half of vodka before a vote on the entitlement culture of welfare recipients, or some other rubbish.”
A fair retort. I’ll have another thanks.
“I mean just because a bus driver can’t be smashed during some tedious trip from Westminster to Croydon I am supposed to wait until I get home in the evening to smash a bottle of Chardonnay into the side of my head? Come off it. What has this country come to? Did we conquer half the world sober? What do you think? Well? Hey? Are you peckish? I’m famished. Fancy the duck? With some horse tartar? Or the fish? Let’s have a 1984 Chateaux Blu Fortinbra while we’re at it. I don’t have to be in the lobby for another hour.”
When asked what the upcoming vote was on the MP was reluctant to name it, and not because he was too pissed to remember.
“The whips will ensure we get it right on the night,” he added. “Here they come now!”
“And anyway, I’ve been in parliament since 2007. Which is not a bad run. I aim to be Father of the House one day and I don’t bloody intend to get there sober! How do you think we survived the Johnson years? Or even bloody Cameron and Osborne? Two more entitlement idiots you’d have to go a very little distance to find. Or May. Sunak. Truss! You expect us to do that sober? You must be drunker than I am. How are you at the foxtrot?”
Well, anymore time spent reporting from Westminster, and maybe we’ll find out.
Cheers! Here’s to the sanctity, and endurance, of another great British institution!