WEANED ON THE MOTORWAYS : Little Bertie Barry is to return to the profession he loved so dearly in his last life this week after a UK Government psychic revealed he was a HGV driver in his last life.
What the parents of little Bertie think of the sudden change in his profession from “infant” to “Class 1 licence holder” is not yet clear as they’ve been hit with a gagging order by the Department for Transport.
“Being able to silence dissent is one of the tangible benefits of Brexit,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “Before we left the EU Bertie’s parents would have been able to protest his rendition and conscription into the Reserve Tanker Fleet, based on the reading of his aura. But today? Can you hear them complain? I can’t. So they must have given consent. Although under new laws introduced this week via Henry VIII powers we don’t need their assent anyway. Get Trucking Done! Bertie! Bertie! Look here! Beeeeertieeeeeeee! Get trucking done! He’s adorable.”
Critics though have pointed out that the conscription of one class one infant into the Reserve Tanker Fleet is hardly sufficient to make up the dramatic loss of drivers in 2021.
“There’s always unpatriotic types trying to talk Britain down,” the spokesman responded. “Bertie is just the first infant. There will be many more. To ensure sufficient conscription we are expanding the UK Government Psychic Fleet to several more. And it’s not just infants. We’ll be exhuming Georgian era coach drivers to man the Reserve Reserve Tanker Fleet. That’s horses. It will be quite a sight to see infants driving HGV’s competing with skeletons in charge of teams of horses racing each other on the motorways to get you your petrol!”
For his part, former Brexit Secretary and complete genius, David “DD” Davis gave his support to the conscription of babies and the raising of the dead.
“It just proves I was correct when I said Brexit wouldn’t turn the UK into a Mad Max style dystopia,” Mr Davis commented. “There’s no horses in the films.”