A STITCH IN TIME : PRIME MINISTER BORIS JOHNSON is to solve the fuel crisis afflicting Britain by employing one of his standard tactics.
It’s believed the plan involves messing up his hair and standing outside 10 Downing Street pretending he’s just walked Dylin.
“He regrets getting that hair cut,” a source inside 10 Downing Street tells LCD Views. “He could do with being able to produce a mess as big as the country at the moment. No one will think he’s capable of overseeing such a rapid deterioration in the UK’s standard of living so far if he’s got messy hair. I mean, he’s so harmless!
Other techniques will also be tried to stop the panic buying, which bafflingly to all seems to represent a loss of public trust in Boris Johnson’s government.
“He’s going to promise that everything will be better tomorrow, we just have to believe,” the source explains. “It’s classic Johnson. It’s always a lovely day tomorrow while today is always provably worse than yesterday. Tomorrow never comes, if you like. It works wonders.”
Government insiders are keen for the PM to “get a grip” on the senses of panic in the United Kingdom and “choose a fall guy” for the current calamity amongst ministers.
“We do need to get the fuel panic out of the way fast,” the source admits. “God only knows what problem Brexit will cause next week and there’s only so many times he can muss up his blonde locks before he needs a stiff drink and a good long rest.”