PRITI IS AS PRITI DOES : The UK’s world beating Home Secretary is said to be laughing like a drain today after she finally hit on a solution for what she perceives as the problem of humans in the English Channel.
It’s been well known for some time that Ms Patel is seeking a way to stop people coming to the UK by thinking “outside of the box”. Everything from dressing Border Force agents up as crocodiles to building a floating wall of inflatable Johnsons has been considered to stop people crossing the Channel. But now she’s nailed it.
“The arms industry is ecstatic,” a Home Office source told LCD Views. “So too fossil fuel lobbyists. Not to mention whatever remains of the UK’s service sector which assists foreign investors with their hard won money. Those three drivers of migration from foreign places would prefer no one talks about why people choose to undertake often fatal journeys in search of a new life. Ms Patel is their greatest asset.”
The solution to the refugee crisis is definitely unexpected too.
“She’s going to let them all land at Dover,” the source advises. “Which may seem counterintuitive but the devil is in the detail.”
And the detail will show the French who is boss of that strip of water.
“All the asylum seekers will be given safe passage to our shores and immediately given passports,” the source explains. “But the passports will be French. It’s genius. Then France will have to take them all back. It’s a wonder no one thought of this before. We couldn’t have done this if we hadn’t have done Brexit.”
The new scheme will come into force just as soon as a French company has been contracted to produce the passports.
“The alternative is to treat the people who make it across the Channel like humans, properly screen them, determine their skill sets and assist them in integrating into society, working and paying taxes. But that’s far too German for Boris Johnson’s government.”