TURKEYS GONNA TURKEY : In recent days it has appeared as if failed Health Secretary Matt Hancock was going to continue to fail to regain prominence, now that he’s sorted out his domestics. Happily his old friend the Prime Minister has found time in his holiday schedule to help.
“Something had to be done,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “Matt became a complete laughing stock again this week and looked like slinking back off into the shadows afterwards. Not while Boris Johnson has the power to stop it. He is still giggling to himself over the way Hancock assisted in ending his time as Health Secretary to make way for someone even worse. Why not get another laugh out of Hancock?”
The laugh appears to be in the form of a new ministry created just for Matt.
“The Ministry for Saving Christmas is going to be one of the largest in Whitehall,” the source explains. “Mr Hancock will be in the headlines daily leading up to the 25th of December. It’ll be all optimism and protective rings around presents, until the inevitable failure and deflection spectacle. Boris is going to be laughing all the way to the mince pies.”
The budget for the new department is not yet set, but it is believed that with Mr Hancock’s well developed ties to the business community he’ll be able to cut enough deals to make it self-funding.
“The only potential sticking point is whether or not Matt can get fat enough in time to dress up as Father Christmas and run around a turkey farm with an axe,” the source muses. “Although Boris is more than ready to get the prop beard splattered.”
Will Christmas be saved? Can Matt Hancock be the man to do it? Action Matt will give it his damnedest.
“Just remember as you see Matt on the television explaining how he won’t reveal the confidential details of a deal to supply tinsel by a bankrupt pizza box manufacturer that people actually voted for this. Hancock, the man who invoked the WW2 dead in his bid to become Tory leader and then doubled back on that. He did that and was returned to office.”
Saving Christmas? Can it be done?
“It has to be. It’s now the entire focus of the UK’s future economic and industrial strategy. Put your trust in Matt. If he’s got any brains the first thing and only thing he’ll do is commission a badge that says Christmas.”