FESTIVAL OF THE DAMNED : GREAT NEWS TODAY OUT OF 10 DOWNING STREET with the announcement that the day Home Office Secretary Priti Patel ENDED FREEDOM OF MOVEMENT FOR GOOD is to become a national holiday.
The new bank holiday has been nicknamed FUKTARD as that combines the elements of what the UK has done to itself and sounds a little bit like custard.
“The custard reference will bring to mind our world beating Prime Minister and the famous bin bag full of custard reference,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “And the FUK is pretty self evident. We think it’s a catchy name for what will be a vigorous annual festival of cannibalism, and if we’re lucky, a prelude to a full blown zombie apocalypse.”
It’s believed the timing of the announcement is a little suspicious though, coming as it does during the Labour Conference in Brighton.
“It’s not true that we’re trying to get Laura K’s attention back. She’s still doing her best work in Brighton,” the source dismissed. “Let us focus on the positives of Brexit. Namely being nasty to foreigners. This is why Freedom of Movement Ending is such a victory for the UK. And because they’re economically illiterate and think foreigners were to blame too, the Lexiters can help us celebrate. They must be worn out from all the years they spent demanding better pay and conditions for HGV drivers before Brexit. As it could have been done anytime during our membership. But all that is over now. So let’s burn some effigies of food with our last gallon of petrol and celebrate!”
To help people get in the mood for FUKTARD a warning klaxon will sound in the days leading up to it.
“Or that could just be Johnson simulating air raids as he’s run out of ideas to distract the public from his endless crisis in government,” the source explains. “We’re still nailing down the fine details of FUKTARD DAY, but you’re invited. Whether you like it or not. After all, the people have decided.”