CRISIS AVERTED : FANTASTIC NEWS for Great British motorists this morning after Prime Minister Boris Johnson personally intervened to solve the fuel crisis caused by Prime Minister Boris Johnson.
“He’s taking full control of the fuel crisis,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “When you’re in a crisis you need an expert.”
Under plans that are “still being finalised” the government will state its intention to build forty new petrol stations. The new petrol stations will be spread in a line between 10 Downing Street to Chequers to best amplify Mr Johnson’s “levelling up” agenda.
In the interim there will be short term measures to stop the “panic at the pumps”.
“Having TORY MPS TWEET IN CAPS THAT THERE IS NO CRISIS IS A GREAT FIRST MOVE. THAT’S EXCELLENT FIREFIGHTING RIGHT THERE,” the source comments. “But Mr Johnson will also personally intervene to state ‘Fuck petrol pumps’.”
Another step will be to sequester Health Secretary Sajid Javid to bring his magic into dampening down public expectations.
“He’s going to drive around declaring anywhere carrying a flammable liquid a petrol station. Every off licence that sells lighter fluid will suddenly find itself declared a fully functioning petrol station. He can easily fit this into his diary alongside declaring GP surgeries new hospitals.”
People are asked to do their part while the new petrol stations are being created.
“We will have to stop telling EU lorry drivers to piss off for a few days,” the source acknowledges. “Just while we get our contingency plans rolling. So we’re asking patriotic British voters to stop shouting speak English at forrins. Just until we’ve sorted out the problems created by the pingdemic for motorists. Once that’s sorted it’s back to xenophobic, delusional, self-sabotaging, toxic, fascist appeasing nonsense because it works for the Cons at the polls.”