The Great British Potato War – 1.1 In the Land of The Blind
“If an Englishman’s home is his castle, what then is an Englishman’s village?” – from “The Graffiti of Raylee Public Lavatories – Collector’s Edition”, page 34.
I know what an Englishman’s village is. It is impenetrable. Clearly. Castle after castle nestled together like an illustration from a chocolate box lid. But to be truly formidable a castle must have a defensive perimeter that is not just more castles. Stout and sturdy walls built of stone in the traditional English fashion of the late 11th century.
This is why I organised the construction of the defensive barricade around my village of Raylee, before I went to war. It was a simple enough task. The slogan wrote itself, “Get Barricades Done!”, and that’s 99% of any major infrastructure task completed.
To find the necessary materials I just had to go around the town and scavenge. The streets and pavements of Raylee were overflowing with lightwood pallets of the kind used to deliver building supplies for domestic construction. No one knew where all the builders went in 2021 or why, but the supplies they abandoned were put to good use. Mostly by creating new and patriotic recipes. This was an example of the unique ingenuity of the British. There weren’t any tradesmen left who knew what to do with the supplies, but there were plenty of hungry mouths to feed.
“What are you doing Mr French?” one of the local lads asked me.
“Why you carrying that pallet?”
It was Cyclops. He was always popping up when you least expected him. A scrawny pup who lost an eye as an infant.
“It’s well known your father voted against the people.” I didn’t want him hanging about. It was obvious the loss of an eye was God visiting the sins of the father upon the boy.
“He did not. He told me himself he took his own pen into the voting booth and made the best choice for Blighty.” The boy shoved his hands in his pockets and shuffled along beside me. “Do you know where he is Mr French?”
“Private French to you Cyclops.”
“But you’re not in the army.”
“Every able bodied man is in the patriot’s army. Except your dad.”
That shut him up. He trailed along, kicking stones stones over the road, hoping to be involved.
“Do you know where my dad is?” Always this. Always.
“In a labour camp I expect. Labouring for redemption under Cardinal Petal. Or perhaps he got lucky and was deported.”
“But he’s a son of Raylee, just like you.”
“Being born in a country doesn’t make you its son. You achieve citizenship by proving yourself mental” – I kicked a raised cobblestone at that point and cut myself short.
“Mental? We don’t use that term anymore Mr French.”
I glared at him for a few moments. The boy clearly had a dose of the woke. I waited for the pain in my foot to subside.
The choice of pallets for the barricade was symbolic. Who doesn’t recognise one and think of the vanished British tradition of house building?
“My mum burns these in our fireplace,” Cyclops said. He took a hold of the pallet so I set it down.
“Keep going,” I ordered.
“Is this a job?”
“Zero hours like all the rest. Carry it to the edge of town and don’t dawdle.”
He nodded and began dragging the pallet along the road, straining his skinny arms, but determined to prove himself to me.
Other residents merely stood and watched as Cyclops struggled to the outskirts of Raylee. I smiled at them and shouted “Get Barricades Done!”.
It took Cyclops many hours but eventually he had enough pallets for me to build the defensive fortification.
The gaps in the pallets made it easy to see through them, take aim and fire. Although this would not be tested in the heat of battle until I was far away, I proved the soundness of my design by organising a drill. This consisted of taking turns to both attack my own barricade and defend it against myself.
My wife came out to watch. She sat herself with her knitting in a fold-up camping chair. Click-clack went her knitting needles. I used that to good effect, imagining them as the sounds of a Lewis Gun.
“Knit faster!” I ordered when attacking myself. “I want the air full of lead!”
I was using a stick as a rifle. I made a show of affixing a make believe bayonet and reloading every so often. Everything had to appear realistic.
Unfortunately realism was all too close to hand when I was injured defending myself against myself. I was rolling over one of the pallets and a large wooden splinter lodged into my left buttock. I went with the pain, rolling off the pallet into the dirt and screaming.
“Medic!” I shouted. I was too immersed in my role play to stop. “Stretcher barriers!”
My wife, dependable soul that she is, rushed over to me.
“Oh dear Mark! You don’t half have a splinter in the buttocks. Lie still now. On your belly. Cut out the playacting. There’s a good fellow. Be still!”
She sat on the small of my back.
“I might need to get my shears and cut away your trousers so I can have a proper butcher’s. I’ve not seen a splinter this large in all my days. Can you walk?”
“No,” I whispered. “Leave me. Carry the fight to the enemy! Tell my wife I loved her.”
“It’s not yet time for all that you silly sausage,” she said. She tried to pull the splinter out but the pain was too much.
“What’s up Mrs French?” Cyclops again.
“Private French has gone and gotten himself a shrapnel wound in the backside,” she replied.
“He’ll be lucky to keep the leg,” Cyclops said, matter of factly, his hands in his patched pockets.
“What do you know about battlefield medicine?” I shot back.
“He almost threaded the eye of the needle!” my wife blurted out and they both laughed. She bounced up and down on top of me so hard I could barely breathe.
“Call a chopper!” I ordered. She bounced again and I farted so loudly it started a nearby cat.
“Grenade!” Cyclops shouted and made a show of ducking for cover.
“Oh Mark. That is atrocious!” my wife was having the time of her life.
“He’s delirious Mrs French. You best get him to the doctor.”
“Right enough Cyclops. Come on. You bring his rifle and I’ll be his crutches.”
“That stick there? Is that the rifle?”
“So it is.”
“It’s a good stick. I couldn’t have chosen better if I was playing army men.”
Suddenly another voice entered the fray.
“What’s up Mrs French?” It was Clarence, the butcher. A fat, red faced, bald man always with his bloody apron on. Behind him waited Ms Finch. As bird like as her name. Her lipstick was smeared across her cheeks. That caught Mrs French’s attention.
“Oi! Where did you get lippy from?”
“I make it myself from red dust and tallow,” Ms Finch replied. But she looked nervous. She wiped at her mouth with the back of her hands. I had to groan dramatically to get my so called medical team to focus.
“My Mark has gone and gotten himself a beastly splinter in his backside.” My wife pointed at the splinter. I” think I can see blood coming through his trousers. That’ll be a bugger to get out.”
“Oh dear. Shall I help you get him home?” Ms Finch asked.
“I think we best take him to the doctor. Maybe even Accident and Emergency.” Clarence, the genius.
“No good Clarence. Our A&E was closed to teach people to take personal responsibility for their health, remember? And we dare not try and take him to the nearest one over in Ballocks. The wait will be so long he’ll be healed before he’s seen by a doctor. Or the wound will fester. I’m not sure how they amputate a single buttock?”
Suddenly another rubbernecker weighed in. Mrs Formaldyhide, the pharmacist. I would bet my last penny she was showing off in her work clothes too. People with jobs still! Just can’t help themselves.
“What’s wrong with old Mark then?”
“He’s got a splinter in his backside!” My doting wife, Cyclops, Ms Finch and Clarence all said together like some bloody Greek chorus.
“Well. Let’s have him along to the new private infirmary. He can get a spare bed there and if he promises to let them use his story in their online ads. He’ll get a 10% discount and a lower interest rate on the loan repayments to pay for treatment.”
And off we went. The rest is a little blurred, being pain killing medication, some paperwork I had to sign, the bright lights of a surgery and then a painful recovery. I had to lie on my front for a full week. But I remained upbeat throughout my recovery and shook hands with everyone in the infirmary.