WHAT WILL IT TAKE : DOWNING STREET was said to be in a febrile state today after the SHOCK discovery that in spite of Brexit the EU has yet to collapse.
“The Prime Minister himself is said to have ordered an URGENT INQUIRY into why the EU still exists, even after Brexit,” our Westminster correspondent reports. “The prevailing belief that the rogue trading union of peaceful nations would immediately fall to quarrelling and disunity WITHOUT BRITISH LEADERSHIP at its core is said to be SUDDENLY in question.”
What more can be done to cause the EU to fail WITHOUT BRITAIN is said to be in the scope of the inquiry and ANSWERS are needed and FAST.
“It’s not cricket,” a Downing Street source tells LCD Views. “We’re doing everything we can to destroy ourselves, why are the stubborn Europeans not playing their part?”
It is further suggested that Mr Johnson will PERSONALLY begin drinking without cessation until the inquiry reports its findings. The understanding being you can’t do this sort of thing sober.
It’s believed no less famous a research institution than the ERG will be consulted, as they have spent years “apparently researching Europe at the taxpayers expense” and must know just lots of things.
“If the EU persist in still existing without us we will have to step up our self-destruction a few years,” the source adds. “We’ve pretty much done for manufacturing and export. Daffodil farmers and fishermen are stuffed. About the only thing left to trash is the Union Jack. But if we have to we will pull it into it’s component parts and see how the recalcitrant EU likes that!”
The findings of the inquiry are due by the weekend. The results will be written in large font on one side of A4 paper.
“The prime minister is expected to dress up as a builder when he’s handed the piece of paper. Following that he won’t be bothered to read it and will just sit there punching himself in the nuts.”