SEEING IS DECEIVING : World King Boris Johnson, and zero hours British Prime Minister, has taken a bold step today to securing British sovereignty against the unceasing attacks from Brussels.
He has ordered that the English Channel be dyed in the colours of the Union Jack, and all other British territorial waters to be similarly coloured.
The move is expected to make it clear to illegal fishing vessels operating out of lesser countries where they can and can not fish. It is also expected to ruin the retirement plans of Junker, who is said to be spending a lot of time fishing, which is another tangible benefit of Brexit.
“It will make it much easier to see which fish are traitors too,” a spokesman for the Ministry of Agriculture, Fisheries and Food told LCD Views, “it will make extraditing them from France much easier after Brexit. Now the intangible nature of Britishness enjoyed by ARE FISH will be stained into their very scales just by swimming in the pure waters of Britannia. Sovereignty is Fishy. That’s the slogan.”
The method chosen to dye the waters is also said to be very personal to the prime minister.
“We’ll be using his water paints,” the spokesman said, “it’s meant we’ve had to give a mate of Matt Hancock’s a contract to supply the PM with £252m worth of new water paints. It’s a good thing he texted.”
There will be a televised ceremony to mark the dying of British waters too.
“John Redwood and Nigel Farage will dress in sack cloths and sail out to the extent of British waters off Dover. There they will sing Elgar while Priti Patel paints the water personally. It’s going to bring the entire country back together.”
Questions over what will happen to the paint have not been addressed. Specifically, if it will just flow away on the waters like sovereignty after Brexit?
“This is Brexit. It’s the one thing about which we only do personal cost benefit analysis, dependent on our financial portfolios. Now run along and learn the songs for the big day or you’ll be last in the line for the food queues come January.”