CAPTAIN CALAMITY AWAY : A cabinet office leak to LCD Views means we can reveal the in depth and detailed planning going on in prime minister Boris Johnson’s office in the event of a No Deal Brexit.
‘Operation Oven Ready Holidays’ is the focus of the majority of preparatory work to ensure the prime minister can get away from the stress of overseeing super injunctions regarding his shambolic personal life. Oh, and the minor hiccups relating to Brexit.
The detail in the plan reveals a unrelenting series of week long escapades and mini-breaks are planned. So many in fact he’ll be hard pushed to fit in any work.
“That’s for the best,” our team of expert government analysts concludes, “he’s really like an old master who has the apprentices paint the masterpiece and he just puts his signature on the finished calamity.”
The U.K. will be the major focus of the prime minister’s jaunts as he struggles to hold a fragmenting country together.
“The intention appears to be to visit every constituency and spend time hiding in it,” our analysts continue, “that way people attempting to track him down will have fun following the trail of bread crumbs he leaves behind. Abandoned camp sites will feature prominently. If the coals are still warm, you’re hot on his trail. Perhaps a dropped nappy bag for comforter? That will be a sign you should stop and wait. He’ll be coming back that way in a panic any moment.”
The finishing touches to Operation Oven Ready Holidays are still being refined, but one thing is certain, just like a parliamentary recess faced with a long expected catastrophe, nothing will stand between your leader and his R&R.