Beware the Saga louts! Wetherspoons, the aggressively brexity discount cheap ‘n’ cheerless pub chain, has moved into booze cruises.
The target market is old, white, racist couples seething with latent anger. Gammon is most definitely on the menu.
“It’s a cruise to die on!” said Spoons-on-Sea spokesman India Pailayle. “I mean, die for, of course, silly me. Our customers can spend all day drinking watered down lager, eating chips and moaning about foreigners for under £10 a day!”
Customers will be vetted prior to boarding. They will be asked to read a copy of the Daily Mail. Anyone turning purple and experiencing a near-aneurysm will be accepted gladly.
Spoons has bought a number of derelict cruise ships and barely converted them. These floating locals will float local people to glamorous, far-flung locations such as Rockall and the Dogger Bank.
Typical of the sea-going Spoons is the aptly named HMS Chris Grayling. The entire interior has been refitted to create a bar the length of the ship, complete with sticky carpet and Brexit Party propaganda.
The interior is decorated with black and white wartime reproduction photographs. The big screens show WW2 films and documentaries, and Vera Lynn’s Greatest Hits plays continuously.
“Our slogan is, from here to infirmity!” claimed Pailayle. “I mean, from here to eternity, of course. You can waste away those empty hours while you complain about the iron-grey North Sea and the driving rain.”
Big-haired small-faced Wetherspoons owner Tim Martin’s bizarre Europhobia means that the cruises will remain in British waters at all times. Seasick OAPs will be instructed to heave up their dodgy guts on the European side of the ship.
Getting high on the high seas where there are no brown people is an attractive prospect for many an old leaver. Like rats leaving on a sinking ship as they sink their watery pints and reminisce about a fictional past. Whatever floats your boat!