INSANE IN THE MEMBRANE – Tory leadership contender Dominic Raab is reported to be in crisis talks this morning with his personal stylist after being presented with two different outfits to choose from as he bids to be the UK’s next absolute monarch, or religious extremist.
“Does he want to be Charles 1st or Guy Fawkes? Both have their appeal,” a fly on the wall told us, “does he want to shut parliament down because it’s getting in the way of his divine right to rule, or just blow the whole show to smithereens?”
The fly, first attracted to the Raab household by the overwhelming smell of horseshit, says that it’s a cascade of problems.
“The outfit choice is just the tip of a difficult iceberg,” it buzzes, “how to solve the wardrobe crisis? Do you flip a coin? Do you consult the knucklebones? Do you just take your shirt off and flex in front of a mirror shouting ‘hoograaaaaah’? These are the moments that reveal what sort of a leader of men a man is.”
While both styles have their advantages, it’s thought by outsiders that a mash up of the two maybe most appropriate.
“Stylistically they’re not too far apart anyway, being both of the first half of the 17th century. Why not just wear Fawke’s hat and Charles’ tights? Then he can both blow up parliament and shut it down. Two birds with one stone.”
LCD Views would like to wish Mr Raab the best of luck with his decision making process, as we appreciate it’s slow and laborious.
Take back control, of parliament, and then mothball it, or torch it, it’s good to know the real meaning behind the Brexit slogan at last. Democracy? Not if we can help it.