WHO COULD HAVE EXPECTED THIS : LCD VIEWS has received reports today that the monster created by Doctor Brexitstein (and numerous unscrupulous MPs) in a dark money funded, social media laboratory, has appeared on College Green and is demanding a wife.
The monster, which is called Brexit, is also known as ‘monster’, ‘wretch’, ‘daemon’, ‘fiend’, ‘it’ and ‘Lexit’. It is reported to have an old fashioned, conical loudspeaker strapped to its head and is writing down what it says, and what anyone says to it, on a piece of slate. This it holds up at random so everyone can see it.
“The monster appeared late yesterday afternoon and was obviously peeved,” our Westminster watcher reports, live from the imagined scene,
“it has been spotted at various places in the country for nearly three years. At first it attempted to befriend puzzled locals wherever it was, but after realising how hideous it was, it began smashing jobs and civil discourse into dust wherever it lingered. Now that it has appeared in Westminster to make demands, it is feared it has turned on its creators.”
But it does appear at least that Brexit has thought through what it wants its wife to be called.
“The Bride of Brexit is a handle already adopted by the media, but Brexit itself is insistent its wife be called WTO, or GATT24 or Mass Famine, any of the handles it says will satisfy it.”
Will its creators build it a wife?
“Well, they can only make one by replicating the pieces cobbled together to make Brexit. Namely sowing together the anger of communities disregarded by Westminster for decades, patching on energised ignorance, stapling in a big, meaty chunk of racism in the intestines and powering the whole load with the electricity of lies,” our reporter says, “so sure, they’re happy to have a go. There’s plenty of ready funding available from local and mysterious overseas sources.”
But not everyone is convinced they should build Brexit a wife?
“There is a concern that Brexit has done enough damage already and he won’t fulfil his promise to retire quietly into the countryside should he get to hold WTO. Actually that the pair of them will do even more damage.”
Maybe he should be captured and dismantled and laid to rest?
“It would be best,” our reporter agrees, “falsehoods have become truths in the wake of the creature’s creation and our entire democratic system is slowly turning into the image of Brexitstein’s monster itself. No one can be assured of certain happiness, not least the monster’s creators.”