THE EXPRESS BOOK OF BABY NAMES : THE CRAZED British tabloid, The Express, has acted fast to put the new royal baby under pressure by demanding he takes a truly globe spanning name.
In a Twitter spree following the announcement of the arrival of the long awaited seventh in line to the throne of England (by the time he comes of age, the way the UK is going), the newspaper did its best to not be a prat, but then failed.
“Geographical baby names aren’t a bad idea,” our nativity specialist mused (though), “numerous hippies named their kids India in the 60’s. Half of Australia was named after royals, Melbourne, Victoria, Bass Strait, so it can go the other way too. Which is a bit like an ocean, it goes both ways, so there’s a surprising logic here, which has never happened before with The Express.”
Whether or not Harry and Meghan will take heed of the paper’s urging and advise their bouncing baby boy to call himself Atlantic, or Atlantic Ocean, is not yet clear.
“Other things unite the US and UK currently,” our specialist went on, “such as an impending sense of doom, so Dystopia may not be a bad choice and one that The Express does its level best to encourage. But perhaps not that fair to the baby concerned. The only risk with Atlantic is that it risks the child becoming confused with the longstanding American journal of the same name, but that paper is nowhere in line to the throne, so the baby will win out just by accident of birth, should it come to a legal fight over domain names.”
We genuinely wish the new family all the best of luck. Theirs is not a path we’d like to tread, given how heavily it is plagued with tabloids.
Our only sour note was the discovery that the headline ‘Baby human born’ has already been used by other silly pages countless times.