The leader of Her Majesty’s Loyal Supportive Opposition, Jeremy Corbyn, has finally called for a parliamentary vote. The motion is an unusual one. It calls for “a” managed no confidence in the Prime Minister.
Corbyn himself explained his reasons for his actions. “I felt this twinge in my back,” he said. “At first I thought it was my conscience, so I ignored it as usual. Turns out it was my vestigial spine giving me gyp again, so I’m off to the doctor in the morning for more pills.”
So, what’s this all about? The terminology is nebulous even by today’s low standards.
Momentum staffer Tori Plant was on hand to demystify the situation. “Jeremy has thought this through quite carefully,” claims Plant. “This sort of motion has to be brought forward very carefully, you might even say ‘managed’. It can take months to get it right! Unusual circumstances call for unusual measures, so the bog-standard no confidence vote is no use. What we are using is so new that nobody, not even Jeremy, knows what it is. All we know, is that it is a no confidence vote of some description, and it is sure to be extremely effective in showing just how mildly annoyed Jeremy really is.”
Corbyn himself was pleased with the reaction to his symbolic gesture. “If successful, it will rank alongside my greatest achievements,” he boasted. “It will come vie for top spot with being voted Bearded Trot of the Year in 1983-7, and my aubergine that won second prize at the Islington Allotment Holders’ Fayre in 2017.”
If unsuccessful, Corbyn has vowed to bring “a” managed no confidence vote in the government itself. “This all takes time,” he remarked snoozily, as all around him parliamentarians yelled abuse at each other. “I should have something half-decent drafted before the summer recess. Now excuse me, I’m having “a” managed forty winks here!”
The brickbats pelted in from all sides, but Corbyn simply smiled and started to snore.