A shady character who sought asylum six years ago is going stir crazy. Tired of his luxurious imprisonment, he is now blaming his jailers for his suffering, and demanding a higher class of sparkling wine to lighten his torment.
Julian Assange – for it is he – has tired of being out-leaked by corrupt governments on both sides of the Atlantic, who no longer care what people think of them. In a desperate attempt to salvage column inches, he has blamed the Ecuadorians for his predicament. To soothe his savage breast, he has indicated that, henceforth, only the best Champagne will be acceptable to him.
Ecuador, which has accepted his citizenship and protected him from extradition, is naturally the enemy. Who else can Assange blame? Gaslighting is the order of the day.
LCD Views, concerned about Assange’s mental state, sought the opinion of brain doctor Maddus A. Laurie. “Julian is clearly going slowly insane,” opined Dr Laurie. “Stuck in a small apartment with only his own company. It’s known in the trade as Bunker Hunkering.”
Dr Laurie described the symptoms. “Being delusional, creating a fantasy world, tilting at windmills,” he said. “Sufferers become convinced that they are the only sane person in the world. Their ego inflates as their grasp on reality diminishes. Assange sees himself as a victim of ‘the system’, when in reality he is a sad little man avoiding the harsh realities of life.”
Most political leaders suffer from Bunker Hunkering, claims Dr Laurie. “They become more and more convinced that everyone is out to get them,” he claims. “Often correctly, of course. Their policies become increasingly extreme, in accordance with Thatcher’s Law, which states that a leader’s compassion is in inverse proportion to their self-importance.”
So a man whose existence has been reduced to enforced idleness, taking working holidays in the bedroom and refusing to empty the cat’s litter tray because it looked at him funny, is now down to his last few marbles.
The cat, incidentally, summed up the situation perfectly. “I don’t want to be here,” she mewed, “but I also don’t want to leave.”