LCD Views can report this morning that man of the people Nigel Farage has issued a statement denying ever having met President Donald Trump.
In the statement, written in Cyrillic and read out aloud via a translator on Mr Farage’s hourly BBC bulletin, the champion of British democracy attempted to squash suggestions he was personally known to the forty fifth president of the United States of America, who appears to be having some minor legal issues.
Why Mr Farage had someone else read out his statement and didn’t personally do it is not clear, but is presumed to be related to him frenetically packing a bag and trying to book a flight to anywhere.
We spoke to a world renowned psychologist who specialises in adult male relationships, coincidentally focused on organised crime and conspiracies in international statecraft, to learn more about the attempt to create distance.
”Nigel is working on the tried and tested formula of treat ‘em mean and keep ‘em keen,” Doctor Whatthefuckisthisdoyouhaveitinamedium? told us via a secure Skype connection,
“he believes that Mr Trump will be in need of friends right now. Nigel is also in need of friends. He’s hoping that by allegedly publicly lying about his alleged work as a go-between in an international kleptocratic, fascist conspiracy to turn the U.K. and USA into countries with feudal systems of government focused on money laundering and far right politics it will lead to Mr Trump reaching out to him to shore up his own position as the long arm of the law encircles Trump ever more tightly. Although it’s more likely Trump is just going to throw Mr Farage and anyone else he can think of under a bus as he spirals down insane into the pit he’s spent a lifetime digging.”
What you’ve said Doctor is mostly a jumble of nonsense except for the ending. Do you think it’s feasible that when the long arm of the law has finished encircling Trump and holding him tight the fingertips will brush Nigel’s shoulders?
”Highly probable the nails will dig right in actually,” the Doctor replied, “and grip and drag Nigel down wailing and screaming into a legal abyss focused on treason along with certain other prominent Brexiters.”
You can already see the mini-series on TV.
”Yes. Which is nice, because otherwise it would have been the face of Big Brother.”
We would like to personally wish Mr Farage luck and hope his butt checks aren’t currently clenched so tight as to cause him injury.