People who have plans involving food for 2019 are being advised to change them after recent government victories in the House of Commons.
”There’s no rush,” Doctor Starve, a senior fellow at the University of Paying Attention, told LCD Views.
We spoke to the Doctor while enjoying a smashed avocado breakfast served on sourdough bread baked early this morning, topped with triple poached eggs, slathered in bearnaise sauce and accompanied by a side of pulled grapefruit.
”People should not panic,” Starve went on, “unless they were planning traditional celebrations in 2019 such as birthday or dinner parties. Picnics. Oh, and breakfast, lunch and dinner.”
The Doctor went on to say that it’s advisable to start your panic buying early in 2019.
”Beat the rush,” he advises, “order your storage containers now but wait until late February to start stockpiling pasta, tinned meats and fruits. Oh and get a Parmesan wheel.”
Why a Parmesan wheel?
”If there are widespread fires following on fast, as the ration queues disintegrate into rioting and looting, and you feel the need to flee your home and take sanctuary with a distant relative in a sheltered rural area, you can bury the cheese.”
Ah, just like Pepys?
”Yes.”
But why issue the advice at all?
”The ERG now run the United Kingdom,” Doctor Starve shrugged, “zealots with religious fervour for Brexit who will see anything short of hard Brexit as failure of purity? Do you think they’re going to give a damn if you go hungry?”
They probably think it will build up people’s moral fibre, or some such lunacy.
”Quite. Oh, and they’ve all got second homes in the EU. So why you’re at home scrabbling with a ten year old over a bit of cat they’ll be merrily asset stripping the U.K. from a chateaux across the channel.”
But surely this is all a bit extreme? The government and official opposition could not be so incompetent as to actually allow the United Kingdom to crash out of the EU and disrupt our food supplies so seriously?
”I can tell you haven’t done a PHD in paying attention,” the Doctor smirked, “but then experts, who needs them? Shall we order more grapefruit?”
No. I’ve lost my appetite.
”Now that’s a phrase you won’t hear after we crash out of the EU next year.”