The Belgian capital, Brussels and most of the Belgian coast has been evacuated following warnings of a possible hurricane strength hissy fit by UK environment secretary and leading Brexit campaigner, Michael Gove.
Roads out of the EU administrative centre capital were gridlocked following reports that Gove had physically torn up a copy of the UK cabinet’s long awaited road map on how it plans to leave the EU without actually losing any of the benefits of being a member of the EU because his name wasn’t written “bigly enough, or in the right font” in the footnotes at the back.
“The aftershocks were felt as far south as the Pyrenees, and we have had to issue a warning of hurricane strength vitriol, hatred and mouth frothing insanity heading south from London,” explained Brussels fire chief Captain Guy De Haddock.
European meteorological chiefs have warned that this will inevitably lead to a tsunami of unwarranted claims, baseless objections, and untenable – not to say frankly absurd and self contradictory, arguments hitting the Belgian coastline within hours, he added,
“We’re receiving reports of uncontrollable fires raging on the moors north of Manchester after someone in the city dared to suggest to Gove that perhaps Brexit wasn’t all about him and maybe it could have some adverse affects on the UK economy,” he added pointing out that Boris Johnson’s feculent invitation to the EU negotiating team to “FUCK BUSINESS” was bad, but this anticipated “GOVENAMI” was in an entirely different league.
“Gove actually breathes fire and has been seen wearing a skirt…Frankly we’re terrified,” he added, explaining that most of the Belgian population was heading to the Alps, but he was fearful that even at 4,808.7 m Mont Blanc may not be high enough to afford sufficient protection.
Warnings of the imminent destruction of much of continental Europe, were echoed by members of Gove’s own conservative party.
“This is a man so utterly loathsome that his own parents put him up for adoption before he could speak,” said one senior party official speaking on condition of total anonymity in a central London jazz bar.
“…a man who, when campaigning for Brexit announced that “the British people have had enough of experts”, despite himself claiming to be an expert on absolutely everything, from European border law to the minutae of WTA trade legislation, and despite being continually proved wrong on absolutely everything,” he shuddered, throwing terrified glances at the door.
“Frankly, even telling you this is more than my life’s worth… Michael could literally thcream, and thcream, and thcream until all of us are thick,” he whispered, drawing heavily on a Capstan navy strength, between gulps of real ale and frenziedly denying that he was former conservative leadership candidate Kenneth Clarke.
UK Prime Minister Theresa May was unavailable for comment on the possible effect of the anticipated “Govenami”, having been last seen heading for the government’s nuclear bunker somewhere top secret under Whitehall.
“Fortunately she had a second copy of the roadmap, so Michael’s hissy fit won’t affect negotiations with Brussels in the slightest” explained an official.
“Not that it makes any sense anyway. They’ve produced the cartographic equivalent of a satnav system that endlessly and repeatedly directs you back up Michael Gove’s kilt,” he explained.
“Which is probably just what the attention seeking walloper wants – his bum’s been oot the feckin’ windae, fe years,” he added.