David Davis MP, leader of the United Kingdom’s Brexit negotiating team, stood up today in protest and led the UK team in a walk out protest out of negotiations and straight into a cupboard.
“He thought it was the door to the corridor that led to the in-house bar,” Mrs Oh-No, member of the team told us, “and he was planning to buy everyone in our team some tequila shots to celebrate stuffing Barnier. You should have seen the look on the unelected, eurocrats faces when Davis seized his chance during some endlessly, mind numbing chat about contingency planning relating to the UK’s food supplies and Dover should a hard Brexit occur!”
It seems tensions have been building for some weeks, during the largely amiable negotiations, because Mr Barnier and his team insist on talking about facts, rules, legal mumbo jumbo in a way that is just boring Mr Davis to tears.
“Mr Davis has become increasingly frustrated at Mr Barnier’s refusal to horse trade in the time honoured way. How is anything supposed to get done with such inflexibility on the European side? Rules are made to be broken. It’s a good thing we’re leaving. We can have no rules once we’re out.”
It’s believed the actual preparation on the European side is also a cause of contention.
“We turn up with empty hands,” Mrs Oh-No revealed, “it’s so we can keep them open in a posture of friendship. Or, of course, shake our fists to emphasis our displeasure at the EU’s wilful destruction of our industrial base by its pursuit of this bullying, hard Brexit policy.”
But how do the EU turn up?
“Oh my God. With these telephone book size documents. They are just a bunch of swats. Really nerdy. They’ll never get on out in the real world.”
At the time of publishing Mr Davis was apparently still inside the cupboard and was now insisting it contained a magical portal that once triggered would open the way to the UK getting everything it wanted from negotiations and being free to trade with the world once more.