Environment Secretary Michael Gove has come, blinking, out of the woodwork and into the sunshine. He has claimed that the fabulous sunny weather this Bank Holiday is a Brexit dividend.
“We Brits are used to cold, rainy Bank Holidays,” Gove drooled. “The excellent sunny weather this time coincides with our triumphant exit from the EU. Coincidence? I don’t believe in coincidences!”
Gove continued, after wiping the sweat from his pale, greasy brow. “We promised to Take Back Control!” he oozed. “We have taken back control of our weather. If the EU doesn’t like it, they can lump it. We have already got Proper Winters Like We Used To Have back too!”
Meteorological expert Stormy Daniels was not so sure. “We often have fine weather in May,” she remarked. “Although the snow in March was quite unusual. That was probably due to the climate changes which Mr Gove and his ilk strenuously deny.”
“Experts, pah!” slobbered Gove. “There is now a strong and stable high pressure area permanently above the British Isles. Brexit means eternal sunshine and spotless minds.”
Concerned for Gove’s mental state, LCD Views contacted government shrink Shay Zlong. Dr Zlong revealed that Gove had once had a close relationship with reality, but it had gone horribly wrong. He disclosed that Gove, traumatised and disillusioned, had undertaken a medical procedure to remove all memories of reality.
“Unfortunately, divorcing yourself from reality can mean that delusions take hold,” said Zlong sadly. “Fantasy takes over. Unicorns gallop over the rainbow and paradoxes vanish up their own backsides. This, alas, appears to be the case with Mr Gove.”
Is there anything that can be done for him?
“The real memories are still there,” said Zlong. “The procedure trains the brain to bypass them. In most cases the procedure is reversible. In the dungeons at Westminster there is a cell we call Room 101. An MP is locked in there and Michal Husain bombards them with facts and figures until they relent.”
MPs beware. Big Sister is watching you.