The United Kingdom was feeling warm, very warm and high temp cosy today secure in the knowledge that Theresa May is going to deal with Vladimir Putin and chemical attacks on British streets.
“She’s got Boris beside her,” Vicky Pollard, political obsessive, told LCD Views, “so what could possibly go wrong? I mean whenever I hear Boris mentioned I immediately think of killer whales and baby seals. Who is tossing who about here? Ask yourself that. Who is going to lose their nerve?”
Quite what Vladimir Putin will do faced with the collective force and intellectual might of the current piece of furniture Theresa May is in charge of is anyone’s guess.
“He must be well packing it,” Vicky opines, “he’s got elections coming up in Russia soon, so the last thing he needs is a country like the UK getting upset with him. That’s not how he governs. He tries awfully hard to convince Russians everyone is their friend, they are perfectly safe and they should feel more than happy to elect someone else, should they like to.”
Measures under consideration by Theresa May to slap Russia with, should Vladimir Putin not make a fulsome apology and promise never to mess us about again include,
“Wrist slapping. Pretending we don’t want Russian money in London anymore.
Maybe even pulling our football team out of the world cup over there. That’s the big stick. To think he maybe denied the pleasure of watching the English team stagger about and then crash out of the World Cup in his own back yard? You wouldn’t want to miss that!”
Theresa May has given Putin until midnight to make his apology. In the meantime she’s going to attempt once more to work out why her cabinet has so many screws loose.