Home Secretary Amber Rudd, MP for Bottled Up, has gotten out her big ministerial paddle and slapped the Football Association around the ears today while shouting “YOU ARE NOW THE SOCCER ASSOCIATION”, repeatedly.
”It’s just one of the many tangible benefits of Brexit,” Mr Adobe Onfire, junior minister at the Home Office, told LCD Views,
“as we prepare for a future in which we bend over backwards and forwards to ensure the success of our special friend Donald’s four-four-twenty-two MAGA regime, our national institutions need to evolve.
We expect everyone, most especially the Soccer Association, to give a minimum of 110% to the many changes coming down the line. And everyone is to damn well start thanking God after every conceivable setback.”
It’s believed that by eradicating the world “football” whenever we actually mean “soccer” in our national discourse, Brexitannia will be better placed to strike trade deals that are exceptionally lucrative for the US.
”These deals can be after Brexit, or maybe even before Brexit,” Adobe says, “depending on how many active brain cells Liam Fox has on the day he’s asked to opine on the progress his department is making.”
Changes will be made to the format of soccer games too.
”Cheerleaders. An absolute bucket of them. Dancing and twirling with those little skirts and probably some branded batons.
’Starspangled Spanner’ will be sung by a celebrity before the first pitch in a soccer game.
Goals are now home runs.
And injury time is to be replaced by a drone strike on a middle eastern country.
Penalty shoot outs replaced by multi-ball shoot out bonanzas with bonus points for injuries sustained.
And of course commentary will only be given by old men on toilets tweeting aggressively. It’s got to be max entertainment with super tasty, massive hormone pumped, fried chicken breasts to eat.”
Further exciting changes are expected in other iconic British sports.
”Cricket is going to be called Crickets and games only played in quarters and there must be a winner now.
Cups of tea will be replaced by mugs of coffee, regardless of the age of the drinker (sorry octogenarians) and pavements become sidewalks. It’ll all help show we mean to let Trump do his business on us.”
LCD Views commends the swift play by the Home Secretary in best preparing the United Kingdom for independence from the tyrannical group of parliamentary democracies who for too long have conceded to all our whimsical ways.
We will say it’s a bit curious, changing foot-ball to soccer though, as it’s one word that is already descriptive, in the American way, but we commend this statement to the house anyway. We look forward to the first multi-ball, powerplay madness in the premier league, sponsored by MaxMaxMax CheeseWarehouse – They’ve got the CheeseCheeseDistractingWarCheeseBurgle for You!